Very long story that I will try my best to condense...

My wife and I were both married previously: me, no children, her, two sons.

We were married in 1997 and in 1999 had a beautiful little girl -- who is now a wonderful 16 year old.

Her two sons, one is now 24 and the other, 21 years old, have been distant throughout our marriage owing to various things: problems with her ex-husband (and his very controlling and judgmental family), distance (we relocated many States away), etc. As time went by though things (visits, etc) were always good and bonds kept tied as well as possible given the circumstances. However my wife always felt guilty that things weren't closer or more to her ideal 'fantasy' relationship (whereby everything was just 'easy' as she puts it when the topic comes up between us).

Onto the problem...

Her youngest son has always been very odd (that's a nice way of putting it). As a toddler he was very difficult: picky eater, contrary, seemed to read any good & happy situation and then tried his level best to destroy it and turn it into a dramatic mess... by his teens he seemed to calm down a little but was very prone toward drama, monologuing blatant lies, etc. My wife and I always wrote it off as more or less standard teen stuff.

His dad paid for his college and it didn't go well... bad grades, poor attendance and then a year ago he decided he, "needed to gain everyone's respect" and "be a person worth knowing" (knowing him as we do, this seemed very melodramatic and made us wonder exactly what war movie he had seen or person had insulted him or what girl had dumped him) and quit college & signed onto the Navy.

Here's where it gets bad...

he made it through basic, then A-school and then asked to be assigned very close to where we live. Since arriving out here he's been visiting on a regular basis.

The visits aren't going too good.

The first visit took place before he was due at his base and lasted a half a month. It started weird & awkward and the fell off into just plain Bad.

The other visits have been shorter but just as bad or worse.

Okay, the list of behaviors:

1. While visiting he sits in our living room and puts on headphones and plays video games on his laptop. Shortest session, 4-5 hours, longest, 14 hours.

2. My daughter & I recently had the unpleasant discovery that he eavesdrops while doing this... we were a room away talking while he was supposedly playing a video game (and yes, his headphones were on), I told her a joke, and he laughed this very strange kind of 'haaa-haa' sound, it stopped my daughter and I in our tracks so I waited a few more minutes and told her another joke, he did the same.

He never asks any questions, not even in standard conversing--if you ask him something you either get short answers or if it's something he feels he can get away with it on (almost all his Navy stories fall into this category) he will monologue, completely BS us (latest, he told us how he broadened the horizons of his sub skipper during his first time out on a sub... now please understand, even I know an absolute rookie is NOT going to have access to or if so, be in a position to be shooting the crap with the head of a nuclear submarine let alone start educating him on deep philosophical topics--one of things my wife's son think he's a PhD on) he will stand up, even during meals, start pacing while talking, and most inappropriately, always begins itching his private parts (I wish I was making this crap up) while doing the endless monologuing.

He minces off to bed without ever saying goodnight even though we are big on everything from "Goodnight" to "Good Morning" to even small things like "be right back, have to use the bathroom". Nothing from him, if he's not planted in the living room with his video games you wouldn't have a clue where he's at.

We have a puppy, a very friendly mini-dachshund, and he tries to sort of pet him but it's so uncomfortable to watch that either me, our daughter, or wife will just pick up the puppy.

He eats every meal, if he eats at all--mostly he picks at stuff and throws it out, before we start when you can clearly see that we, we do it at every meal, always wait until everyone has their food before we start. He also chews with his mouth open (I sound petty but come on!!!).

When you do ask him something he can barely make eye contact--mostly when he monologues his BS he either stares away or down at the floor.

He never asks or engages us in anything--everything has to come from us to him.

And on this most recent visit he left to go back to base without saying goodbye... he left while we were still in bed and handwrote this absolutely tiny (as in the size of his printing) note on a sticky note that said, "Sorry I just realized I had things to do, can't wait to visit again." At his age, visiting my family, I would have had my butt kicked for leaving unannounced. He also left the spare room we set up for him a complete mess... nothing made, nothing folded, nothing put away.

3. We are a very open, gregarious, sharing family and he is not, fine, but his presence here stifles us into taking on his persona... we whisper, hardly laugh, walk around with kid gloves on, etc, and the stress and tension of this is destroying us--or at least my daughter & I (truthfully my wife admits he makes her tense too but she's also his mother and as such feels that bond not to mention guilt for not being around more in his earlier years--I understand this of course but... to what degree and to what effect??).

4. I have to repeatedly take my daughter aside and help her with her feelings of stress and tension when he's visiting... more or less talk her down, calm her, put things in perspective -- ie. 'the visit won't last forever' or 'maybe he feels uncomfortable too', etc but when my wife announced her son's next visit, this past weekend, via text to my daughter & me while we were at an obedience class for our puppy, my daughter started crying to the point she had to excuse herself and stay in the restroom for 20 minutes before she could reset. On our drive home she apologized and said it was because she's so nervous around him and to please make sure she doesn't get stuck in a room alone with him feeling like she has to generate conversation with him (something my wife keeps doing... she either sticks me or our daughter in a room and whispers to one or other of us, "Go entertain him").

By the way, none of us, but especially me and our daughter, have any problems whatsoever with my wife's other son... he's fun to be around, sees & conveys things, is a joy to converse with... and as a result of all this tension lately I've reached out to him to ask some questions about his little brother, the answers were very troubling. I discovered through conversations that he's tried to kill himself, he's been in therapy but stopped going, he's prone to violent outbursts. The older brother also said he thinks his little brother is asexual, expresses no interest in either gender, has no real friends except loosely through the older brother's friends and feels strongly he is deeply manic-depressive.

Moving on...

So after the first visit this year my wife pulled me aside and tearfully said, "I think he has Aspergers." She's an RN and unbeknownst to me, during that long stay here she had talked to various co-workers, including doctors, at the hospital where she works.

So I started looking up his characteristics on the Net too... wow, almost everything he does falls squarely under an Asperger's diagnosis.

I had a huge sigh of relief because it's not his fault, he's not electing to be this rude, this odd, this aloof, this inappropriate!

So then I go to my wife and tell her we should have a long sit down, heart to heart, with her son... maybe he knows, maybe he doesn't, in either event it will help everyone involved to have & gain a better understanding. Boy was I wrong...

my wife went ballistic at me.

"It's not our right," "he's a grownup," "it's not our place," "it might make him run from us," "it could endanger his career in the Navy," "you try to fix everything, it's not your right or business!" etc.

So I don't know what to do now... I am tense when he's to come visit, and while he visits, our daughter is a nervous mess because she hasn't a clue how to relate to him or what to do or say, he seems to love it here because he keeps visiting and since the most recent visit has already texted his mom about another one in two weeks, and basically last night my wife looked at me and our daughter and told us we were wrong, dead wrong, for feeling tense & nervous when he's here and we are the ones that need to change -not him. She also said she could care less if we have any problems because this is too important for her. It's like these visits have completely changed my wife and are now threatening our whole family.

What a mess this is becoming, thanks for reading.

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The Stepfamily