I find it very hard to believe that a judge said that your kids are not allowed to call their sd "dad". They can call him whatever they want. Freedom of speech??????????

I always called my step-dad Dad and my real dad got the same when I met him, after I realized what he was like I usually call him Jim and he signs the odd card he sends the same. I had this problem though with my step-son. He used to call me mom when he was 5 and his dad allowed it, one day he did it infront of his real mom and put out his arms to me instead of her, she got mad and said I wasnt his mom, like a smart kid he said I know she isnt my real mom you are but she acts like one when I am there so I can have 2. Needless to say within a month he stopped out of the blue. I miss being called mom and now I am called by my first name which makes me feel like a second party in the house but thats life. I just got an idea, what about Pops, that is what we call my mother-in-laws boyfriend. He loves it, it is even kind of cute and it shows no disrespect to their deceased father.

My stepdaughter asked what to call me and I told her she could call me whatever she's comfortable with. She called me by my first name for about 2 months, and now calls me mom, all the time. I didn't ask it and I didn't force it. I'm sure if her mother knew, it might be different as it does say in the divorce papers that she should not call anyone else mom. I don't think that should be allowed in a divorce document. I do not believe that children should be forced to call a stepparent mom or dad, but if they choose to, why not?

I can't believe a court would allow it to be put in the divorce papers that the children can't call anyone else mom. That really makes me angry. They should be able to do what they are comfortable with, not what someone forced them to do.

What's wrong with calling someone by their name? One of my husband's kids calls his step-dad, "dad" and it is very hurtful to hear that, when he is a very supportive, and visible presence in his son's life. If it works for everybody, there's no problem with it, but I don't think a child should necessarily be encouraged to call someone "Dad" who is not their dad (especially when "DAD" is alive, well, and active in his children's lives).

Why don't you just have the kids make up a nickname and call him that. I got my step-mother when I was 28 so I never called her mom, but she does have a nickname. She has an unusual name so we countryfied it and added "May" so it sounds hillbilly. We introduce her to people as "Tilly May". She loves it.

You could have have your kids call your husband by initials like "D. B." short for "Daddy Bill." That would have significance to your kids and your husband, but wouldn't offend your ex-husband.

Also, we refer to my step-mother as "Grandma" for my son. She was there when he was born last year and as far as any one is concerned, she's the real deal.

What's wrong with his name? I know some people consider it disrespectful but I think it makes it clear how close the kids and the adult are. And it is more natural to just use a name rather than a bizarre title like "step-dad." Definitely you should think up an alternative to that, whether it's a nickname or whatever. Maybe his name is shortenable... we called my stepdad Stevie when we were little, certainly no one else called him that, his name is Steve and that's what we call him now.

I dont know thats a good question. I posted a posting similar to this months ago. I wish I could come up with something for myself for my two ss to call me. I cant believe a judge would put that in divorce papers about not calling a step parent mom or dad. That is crazy!!

My mother and stepfather have been married since I was like three. Obviously I really don't remember way back THIS far, but for as long as I can remember I have always called him by his first name. I have no idea how this was implemented into me. I would imagine that he was always referred to that way to me by whomever so it stayed with me. I don't have the greatest relationship with him. Eveverything has always been done for me in a conditional manner. But, back to the topic....I don't even call my real father dad. He was always in and out of my life when I was little so I never knew him as that, either. And people wonder why I come home to a cat now at 30! lollll

Well, the stepfather is NOT their father, so I have to agree with the bio dad. He is their father, not the man you remarried.

I heard this on tv a few days ago...How about Bonus dad??? I thought it was a great idea.

I think the orders from the judge sound bizarre. If the girls call him dad do they go to jail? How would you enforce such an order.

I think it simply is up to the girls. It should be the same for both. I reckon the older one is likely to be more sensitive, with the younger one more likely to just copy her sister.

It is important to recognise this man is a type of father to these girls. He will not be a housemate or a special friend or uncle. He will be a dad to these kids, and a word like Âdad is appropriate for young kids like these, IF they are comfortable with it.

The bio-father should put his ego to one side and realise that this man (the stepfather) has an important job ahead and he can either make that job easier for him (i.e. encouraging the girls to accept him as a father-figure) or he can obstruct and make the job harder. Somehow, I donÂt think the girls will benefit from having their step-fatherÂs job made more difficult.

In my case, my ss' bio-father was unhappy with me using the word 'dad', but I told him I am not an unpaid nanny. He can either allow me to be a dad, or he can pay me for my child-rearing services at my hourly rate. Or he can do the fathering himself, which would have ruined his career and social life. He never raised the subject again.

I don't know about court orders, but if people don't handle this stuff with tact, it can make biological parents feel like they don't count. My son just learned his 11 month old is calling someone else, da-da. The mom thinks it would be confusing to let the child know his real dad is da-da too. I think that the confusion has already begun, but the truth is the truth. His dad is his dad. It may be inadvertant, but she is pushing my son out of their child's life and that is hurtful.

My Skids have always called me by my first name. I would have LOVED it if they would have called me "mom!" I always referred to them as my kids, not as "my step-kids" or "my husband's children." I think it would have made us closer, instead of being a constant reminder that I'm just someone who married their father. But I let them decide, and that's what they felt comfortable with. Honestly, I don't think their mother would have allowed it if they had wanted to call me mom. She even walked up to me one day at a public pool and yanked her daughter's hand out of mine! Nasty, wicked woman....

My kids calltheir step-dad "Sir". This keeps it easy.

Sometimes we tend to make to much out of things. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet.
My husband and I each have children by a first marriage.
We always allowed the kids to call us what felt comfortable for them. For years I was called my first name by his child & mine called him by his first name.
Blending a family is hard enough work,don't sweat the small stuff.
Over the years the children have grown up. Guess what, both of us are called MOM & DAD by all of our children & the best part is they chose to call us that by themselves. :0)

I could NEVER call anyone that is married to one of my parents Mom or Dad. That is a name reserved for only one person in my life. To spread it around too thin is to take away its value.

What about "dad" in another language? Depending on your own heritage you could then find out, or you might already know it, and use that name. It might also help when having conversations with others to help them determine who you or the kids are talking about. I think it would beat bio-dad or stepdad any day. Just a thought. Laya

I have three kids by my ex who for the past 2 yrs has been in n out of their lifes..I met a wonderful man a yr ago.He has accepted my kids with no problem n my children him..My youngest daughter 9 asked last week may i call him Dad i said i was unsure because her bio dad might get upset but her bio dads never here he lives 24 hrs away..i'm very confused i want nobodys feelings hurt here..and now im 7 weeks pregnant with a new baby n my lil girl said why cant i call him daddy the baby gets too.i wish he was my real daddy please help me explain this to her..( my new husband is ok with her saying dad)

I can't believe the big debate over this. Let the kids call the stepdad Dad if they want to. The adults need to get over their own insecurities and let the children do whats comfortable to them. As they grow up they will learn who is a daddy to them and who isn't. Let's hope they end up with two.

Come on folks. As radical as it sounds, if you let the court decide, then it's one more bit of control they have in your personal life, pleeeze!

I am fortunate to have 2 dads. My BF is my Father, my SF is my dad. SF was the one who put all the effort, financial, and emotional support to raise 2 kids not his own. He stayed with us through thick and thin.

Did my BF have a problem with this? Yes. Did he make the effort to spend the summer with us? No Did he write us, or send mom the child support she needed to support ($75pm for 2) his children? NO. Did he he call us or spend quality time with us? NO.

When did my BF finally see the light? About 4 yrs ago (20+ yrs later). Is he any less important in our lives? No. But calling him Dad does not register. He is my father, not my dad.

Being a father and a dad are 2 different things in the eyes of a step-child. Father is the one who was part of the making. Dad is reserved for those special ones who make the difference in one's life.

Let the child decide. After all, they're the one's going through the emotional rollercoaster we adults have forgotten or never felt.

For those concerned about Bio-parents, remember it is their choice to be the Mom/Dad or Mother/Father. They have to earn the same respect of a child too. I would never contemplate call my Mom Mother (unless I'm mad w/her), she deserves soo much more. Same with my SF.

To tell the truth, I prefer being called by my name. I'm me, and my SS is himself, and we like each other without getting caught up in the ownership and semantic issues frought with 'father', 'dad', and 'daddy'. I'm an adult person who happens to have stewardship and responsibility over -- and am friends with -- a toddler person. All the hoohah over 'dad' seems to me to relate to insecurity over ownership and authority on the part of one or another of the adults. If you have the reality of the relationship, who cares what label you stick on it? I call my SS 'turkey' most of the time, and he doesn't seem to mind....

'Daddy' is a guy that calls twice a month. 'JoeTypist's on the other hand (for instance), makes cool things out of scrap cardboard to play with... As long as my SS has no behavior problems for somebody called 'JoeTypist', I'd rather be 'JoeTypist'. I have the job -- what use is the job title?

My sons named their stepfather "Pop". Now they are fathers themselves, and their children call him "Pop-Pop". I think it's a wonderful term of endearment.

My fiance' calls his step father Pap a lot of the time when talking to or about him. He was 4 when his mother married his SF and wanted to call him Dad but his mother said that wasn't fair to their real dad. It's always bothered my fiance' that he couldn't call his SF dad because he's the one who raised, clothed and fed him all his life while his father did nothing. But he said that he did what was right and didn't want to offend his father. His SD knows he's got that special place in my fiance's heart and I guess that's all that matters, not what you're called.

I believe that the children should decide, it should be whatever is comfortable for them. My 2 sons call their step=father, by his first name. Their father is very much in their life and this works for them.
My step-children call me by first name.
I do not like the term step-parent or step-children, it has such a negative sound. I wish there was a better term. My step children are very bonded to their mother even though they with us, but what makes me uncomfortable is when I take them somewhere and someone refers to me as their mother. The kids just look at me with a weird expression and I quickly explain that I am the "step-mother". It makes me feel like a second class citizen, but I don't want the children to feel as though I am trying to take their mother's place. It is very evident that they are uncomfortable with me being referred to as their mother.
At times, I just don't understand the world in which we live. There is too much importance placed on labels and it is just too easy to step on someones toes.
No child should be forced to call a step-parent anything that causes them discomfort, but in the same respect that same child should not be stopped from what makes them feel comfortable and secure.

I think each situation is unique. In ours, my step son calls his step-dad "Pappa". It makes his custodial step-dad feel like he is still the adult authority in his home and doesnt bother my DH at all. Especially since we know that eventually the child, who is 9, will get to the point that he wont feel comfortable call him that. After all, can you imagine a 14 yr old calling his step-dad "Pappa"? As for me, his bio mom wanted me to be called "Momma-Cher1" but I just think that is so not true. I am not his mom, I am his step-mom. Just another adult "authority" figure in his life. It doesnt bother me that he calls me "Cher1". I prefer it. I think we should always promote the bio-parent, eventually if that parent isnt worth anything the child will realize it.

They should be calling him "the devil". SDs are evil I tells ya.....EVIL!!!!!!!!!

Hi,
My boys call their bio father DAD and my husband who raised them from 6 mos and 2yrs "Papa" which means father in Italian. They have done that from day one and 9 years later they don't see any difference in the words and everyone is happy.

Unfortunately my son has lived with his mother, stepfather, and their three children(his half-brothers) since birth four years ago. He has spent periods of six months, three months, seven weeks, and four weeks with me, his bio father. In addition, I have made the 1500 mile trip each and every month for a 4-5 day visit. Recently, on a number of occasions, he's told me "You're not the real dad!"
I would welcome a court order... not as a matter of enforcement, but rather the wisdom of integrity.

I am irrate that a judge would sign his name to a document stating what a child can and con not call a step-parent!!! Why not just say that they are stupid and can not decide for themselves? Children should be allowed to call SP whatever they are comfortable with. If they call him Dad and are corrected, it WILL hurt their feelings making them feel as if SF doesn't love them enough to be their Dad. Bio-dad needs to grow up! It is ridiculous to be jealous of someone whou is HELPING your children... God forbid if anything happens to me, I pray that my husband will go on to find a woman that my children are comfortable enough to call mom....

I think it depends on the situation. My DH negotiated the same clause into his divorce settlement/child custody arrangement and has been supporting his DDs and has been involved in his DDs lives, to the extent BM lets him. SF was introduced to SDs as 'Papa' and BM insisted they called him that and used the new 'father' in their lives to push DH farther away from them. BM would die before allowing them to call me 'Mommy'. If BF is involved (or tries to be), he has the right to be the only 'Dad' -it's hard enough that he misses out on so much because BM has them the majority of the time. SF is just another adult that loves the kids and should be addressed as such, unless all parties are okay with it or the BF is absent.

I understand the importance of freedom of speech and choice for children, and I disagree with any child being threaten, compelled, or forced to call a step parent "dad/mom." But I believe that there comes a time when they have come to earn that right and privaledge, especially when they have taken the responsibility to love them and invest their life into "his/her" kids. Are we teaching our kids to honor those worthy of it? "Hello dad/mom" is an act of grateful-ness,respect, love, and honor. If they (step parents)are worth it... I say that a grateful biological parent should gracefuly move from encouraging to asking, and if it calls for it - make it a family rule or expectation. If the child refuses, then you have found a problem or questions that need to be dealt with IMMEDIATLY. If its placed in the backburner, then the house has spoken on how important/respected the step parent's role really is in that house. (Mind you: I'm reffering to ages 2-teens living with step parents for at least a year).

My Husband's name is Kevin, so I
was thinking maybe something like Poppy, Poppa "K" , or Pappy.....any suggestions????

I know this is an old post but hear me out. Coming from a teens view with non divorced parents however know one too many kids with the opposite I am quite interested in this post.

I think it is one thing to be a father. Another to be a dad.

To be a father you give life.

To be a dad you raise your child.

If your children's step-dad is a part of raising them I think Dad is acceptable. Same goes for their bio father.

If the bio father is not active or helpful in any way of raising the kids and being a part of their life then Dad is ok but I don't think he has earned the right to be offended by step-dad being just dad.

I as a child would not liked to be forced to call someone by something I feel uncomfortable with so let it just come naturally to them :)

As I said those kids are probably older than me now but this could help somebody else you never know ;)

xx

I hope the perspective of a child, coming form being the child an adopted family. I call my adopted parrents Mom and Dad. And my birth parent's Mum and Daddy. Today they are both active in my life. My adopted parents didn't ask me to call them Mom or Dad. I just do. To me they as much my parents as my birth parents and I know both sets love me very much in they way they know how.

This is ego driven and entitlement based. I have a little girl from my wife's previous marriage. She used to call me Mike but through love, caring, and being present she sometimes calls me Daddy. I am not entitled to this name but it was earned for me. I also have a son who I fathered and I am very much his Daddy as well. We went through this same issue when the lil' girl started calling my mom/ Mamaw...because her bio grandma was also called Mamaw. My mother has 6 grandchildren and you expect the lil' girl to call her Memaw instead of following suite with the other children is ego based. If a parent can love more than one child why can't a child love more than two parents. I am raising the child. I don't say "she's like or as my own" she has a good relationship with her father...we can both be dad. My biggest issue is when a parent is too shortsighted and starts coaching their child to say anything other than what is in that child's heart....if I earned the title daddy then so be it. You don't need to sit there and coach your child telling them all the things that I am not...just be happy that I love this baby too, that I'd never hit her or hurt her, that she is the apple of my eye and that my family openly embraced her and her mother without any stigma attached. Check you ego, bio parents. When you decide to divorce you need to understand that that means that things change. You are only going to get to enjoy 1/2 of the kids childhood if you are lucky. Instead of 18 years with them you will get a total of 9 years worth of days raising your baby. Get over titles, ranks, and labels and get along for the sake of the children and if that means letting them love and assign as they see fit then so be it.

I would like others thoughts on my situation. I am a step mother to two girls 15 and 18. I'm recently married but we have been together 11 years now so the girls were young when we met. I have a son 13 and we have a daughter together who is 8. Now that we are all living together (my husbands ex has been totally out of the picture for 12 years) I don't want the girls calling me by my first name. I don't think it is respectful. I feel the same way about my son calling my husband by his first name. It is different just seeing each other on weekends and then gong to 24/7/365. I feel strongly about this but my husband doesn't. I think I feel more strongly because I am the one picking up dishes, shoes etc from his girls. He doesn't pick up after my son. Has anyone had a situation like this?

In my opinion I would not tell the kids what they are to call their step parent. When I was younger I was told what I was supposed to call my step parent and it creates tension. I would let the children decide what they are comfortable with

I understand what you are saying but kids today unlike when we were kids aren't comfortable with respect for adults. I don't think you or I would have ever had the nerve to talk to and do the things to adults that kids today do. It's hard going from "friend" to child and now taking care of them and deserving respect. I'm not saying I should be called mom but I also don't think calling an adult by their first name is respectful. And I guess if the actions were there then the name wouldn't bother me. Even in my daughter's school they call the teachers Ms. Jen. I don't agree with it. I think it should be Ms. Smith because the Ms. often gets dropped. Today kids have less and less respect for adults but expect more and more from them. Its almost today like adults serve children and in return get less and less respect. I'm not talking about my situation I'm talking about what I see in society.

As a step child which is something I have no experience in, how would you like to be told to pick up after yourself and be respectful? By respectful I also mean not having to tell older children to do the same thing many many times. I am curious what you think a good way and a successful way to approach it might be. See I am way harder on my own children than on my step children. My son even gets mad at me - why do you yell at us but not them? What would have worked with you as a child?

I am only 23 and I have had many stepparents and I have called them all by their first name and they did not mind that at all. Parenting step children is difficult because they often don't want to listen because you are "not their parent" It is important for you and your spouse to be on the same page. You need to make sure the kids understand that although you are not a biological parent you are still an adult and a parent figure in their lives. Never bring up the fact that the girls mother is not in their life. My situation is very similar and when a step mother used that against me I never had any respect for her after that and never listened to anything she said. I had step-parents that told me it was ok to call them by their first name but if I ever wanted to call them something else that it was ok.