Husband's cancer and I don't want his kids around my kids.

11 years ago

Hello everyone. I have posted here before about my husband's 2 adult stepdaughters and the huge drama that ensued regarding them.

A short recap, younger SD secretly dating a man 2x her age while underage living in our house and her nasty and vengeful treatment of me because I told her father to take a closer look after I "caught them in the act" and older SD who steals from us every chance she can get and nothing but lies come out of her mouth. A huge blowup over past issues and insults and the subsequent blocking of contact from them to us.

Now let's return to current events. Last December my Husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lymphoma. I was pregnant with my new son and we were trying to find a new place to live and weren't having much luck. So he feels like it's the "right thing to do" to contact his kids to tell them of his diagnosis. Since we do not have means to contact his youngest who is living with said boyfriend now, he calls his oldest to let her know and ask her to pass it along. She says that she refuses to tell other daughter and acts as if she doesn't care that her Father has advanced stage cancer. Now I really am not all that surprised but I know that hurt his feelings. He called her the day our new son was born and the same attitude was reflected. Again I am not surprised but it was another blow to his feelings. Husband has been going through Chemotherapy since March and is doing SPECTACULARLY by the way. Hardly any side effects and Cancer nearly in remission. All this time, no calls, no letters or cards. No contact at all from his daughters and frankly I am glad, he does NOT need their stress and negativity sabotaging his recovery. I know the only reason they will contact us now is if they want or need something and I will laugh in their faces at that point and so will my husband because he is just sick and tired of their behavior and attitude. He says they grew up to be their mother. (one
of the most nasty and selfish people I have ever met).

But anyway, life has evened out significantly since all of this. Wee man is almost 6 months old and Husband is back in college and is working weekends while I watch the kids. I however find myself occasionally brooding about the past in regards to them and worrying about the next time contact is made. I am terrible with confrontation and am afraid that I will lose control and make a fool out of myself not to mention the huge amount of stress that I and my husband will have to endure if that happens. I am working on getting with a counselor for my issues, which didn't start with them, to help me with other confrontational situations that life throws out but for now I have to deal.
Now here is the thing with my kids. When my oldest daughter who is now almost 3 was a baby, Husband's oldest daugher doted on her and loved to spend time and babysit her. Now nothing... now that we have another baby, nothing... and given how his daughters behave, I really don't want them as examples for my two kids to follow. I really don't know what I will do if one or both of husband's daughters show up in the future expecting to have a relationship with my kids but I have a strong gut feeling against it. I don't want them growing up thinking it's OK to lie casually about most everything, be manipulative and steal to get what they want. I really doubt they will ever change because that is how their mother is and she is 40 and acts the same way. The only bright spot is I know my husband will support me because he doesn't want these kids to turn out like his previous ones. He has said that maybe he can do it right this time. I really hope so.

Thank you for listening to the rant.
NadineV

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Comments (3)

Mom-of-all-trades
11 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
First, I am glad your husband is doing better.

I think you should just focus on your husband and small children. Your husband should reach out to his daughters as he feels necessary. They are all his children equally. If he wants them in his life then you will have to find a way to bear with it.

I would strongly advise against comparing your SDs to their mom. Your opinion may not be shared by others and it will not serve you well in the end.

You and your husband must be the example for your children. We all have people in our lives that do not set a good example for any one but our behavior around them can be a wonderful learning tool for little ones. Remember it is possible that the SDs will adore their little siblings but do not want to be around you. That does not mean they should have visitation without you or your husband.

Have your husband call his daughters. Do not stand over his shoulder while he does it. If any thing I think this is a lesson in life is too short.
NadineV
Original Author
11 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Hi mom-of-all-trades, thank you for the well wishes regarding my husband. A few things however I believe you misunderstood about my position in all of this. He is free and clear to spend as much time with them as he wants to, they are the ones who cut contact with us when he told them to stop lying all the time and stealing from us. They blocked us on facebook and the youngest has moved away and never let us know her contact info. The oldest refuses to tell us when asked. Husband has already extended the olive branch as it were twice without success. The ball is in their court...
The youngest never really wanted anything to do with her half siblings and is so far gone in her relationship with her father that he doubts she will ever make contact again. (long story).
The oldest still lives with her mother and her mother decided that she doesn't like me because I helped my husband not be a doormat to her and the demands for money that she would have just pissed away for herself (he wasn't required to pay child support and they are both over 18) and guilt she still tried to lay upon him regarding his older children. His oldest seems to have learned how to behave from her mother regarding the stealing, lying and manipulating.
I didn't really have a problem with her spending time with my daughter until I started noticing things missing from my house. She even stole a pair of my husband's shoes. New ones that he just bought. Stealing not just from him, but from me as well. When confronted about it, lying and acting outraged at even being accused even though some of the stuff later appeared in her house.
This is not the type of person either me or my husband want in our house regardless if she is his daughter. If she ever realizes that she needs to clean up her act and be honest and not steal, then she will be welcome again. And she has been told this. She isn't only hurting us, she is hurting her half-siblings with every item she takes that we have to replace.
I have made it clear that I value honesty highly and at this point it is too hard for her to accept. We will see what happens in the future but like I said, I have a strong gut feeling that it will not.

Regards
NadineV
PS, there is a lot more information about what led to this situation in my two previous posts if anyone is interested.
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emma
11 years ago
last modified: 10 years ago
Don't worry about not wanting his kids there. If he wants to see them that is different. My husband had surgery and he told me not to tell his kids. He did not want them there. They talk to each other and laugh which wakes him up and they are adults. By pass surgery is a serious thing and he didn't want them there so I keep them out. I told them of the restrictions in CICU and his daughter's friend has worked in the medical field and she got her in. Later the friend mention it and I said, "her dad did not want any of his kids here". I got an apology from the friend.

Husband's cancer and I don't want his kids around my kids.

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Mom-of-all-trades

NadineV
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Husband's cancer and I don't want his kids around my kids.

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Mom-of-all-trades

NadineVOriginal Author

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emma

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NadineV
Original Author