lol - I love that you got all CSI on them!

It sounds to me like you're doing more or less what you "should" be - trying to explain why it's important to pick up after yourself, trying to hold them accountable for their own mistakes, etc, without seriously overstepping into doling out punishments. So that's good.
But I don't see in your post if you've tried to talk to your husband about it all. If you haven't, I'd say that's the first step. Explain that the rules need to be the same for all the kids and that your kids are slacking on their chores because his kids are, etc. I'd refrain though from telling him that you occasionally view them as squishy little globs of do-nothing - he won't likely take that too well.

You mentioned that they're a little behind developmentally... But kids grow up at different speeds and we just have to take that into account and be patient with it.
For example, my BF's son is nearly 9. He is totally capable of using the toaster, pouring his own milk, etc. But he's not mature enough to be in charge of his own breakfast. My niece just turned 4 and can determine proper serving sizes and choose a healthy breakfast, but is too small to lift the jug of milk or reach the toaster.
So, he's capable, but lacks the decision making skills to make his own breakfast. She has the decision making skills, but is too little to make her own breakfast. Just different kids at different stages.

If you ever figure out how to get your husband motivated, let me know. I'm in a similar situation with DH's son who is turning 13 this month and the boy has no idea of how to function unless someone is constantly doing everything for him. It's pathetic.

Oh, an afterthought about the snacking around mealtime...
Do they snack because DH is snacking? Or because they ask for a snack and he gives it to them?

On more than one occasion, my BF's son has wandered through the kitchen while I'm making supper with chips or gummy candies etc
"Hey A__, supper's almost ready! You shouldn't be eating chips right now!"
"But Dad's eating them in the living room"
"Well, Dad shouldn't be eating them either" (March to living room) "Hey J__, supper's almost ready! You shouldn't be eating chips right now!" (Seize chips and return to kitchen)
I can't really come down too hard on A__ for snacking before dinner when it's my BF who got the chips from the pantry :)

But when it comes to A__ horsing around at the table or refusing to eat what is served... and then complaining that he's hungry an hour later, my BF is very firm. "There was a perfectly good meal in front of you that you chose not to eat and you are NOT getting a snack now!" He'll still get a healthy later evening snack, but that's a 'regularly scheduled feeding', independent of if eats his supper.
Any chance of proposing something like that to your DH? That any kids who don't eat their proper meals go without snacks until the next 'regularly scheduled feeding'? Ask to apply it to ALL the kids ALL the time so it doesn't seem like you're picking on his kids.

great question...have I talked to my husband about it? Yes and as you can imagine it is delicate territory. We often come to a consensus that, yes, discipline is needed, and he totally sees the need for change and consistent rules. The problem comes when little does change, rules are broken and the "your going to lose priviledges (that never happen)" or "you will be in big trouble if...(also never happens)" somehow it all just falls flat. If I try to press it (in otherwords get him to enforce the punishment he promised), we fight because his instinct is to defend his kids. I totally dream of a day where I could talk openly about "our" kids areas for development and have it not be about yours or mine. I am mommy to his kids 4 days a week...they are my kids too as far as I am concerned...which makes it even harder to see them unable to perform simple tasks to care for themselves (brush hair/teeth without assistance) or develop a work ethic that would ensure success in school or life! I worry about them and their future. When your life is all about doing what is "fun" or "feels/tastes good" I see nothing but a future wrought with stress, teen pregnancies and drug use. It will all be my problem then I venture a guess.

The eleven year old can't brush her hair without help? Wow.

So, in principle he wants his kids to behave properly and be responsible? He just can't act on it? Can he act on other things he has to do in life but doesn't like to or is that mostly limited to his kids?
Would it work to lay out a specific set of consequences for the common "offenses" and post them on the fridge door?
1) Not finishing meals: No snacks or treats before the next meal.
2) Not picking up own messes: Clearing everyone else's plates from table at next meal
3) Not completing homework: No TV for 24 hours
etc
Would that help make it a nonnegotiable for him? Some people feel that things must be enforced if they are written down.
My mom did that at one point when we were kids because my one brother was complaining that his discipline was harsher than the others (I doubt it was - I think he was just misbehaved more often) and started just telling him to go to the list and look up his own punishment

Oh, and I know what you mean about the giggling and tickling for being in "big trouble"... My BF doesn't like for his son to stay mad at him, so he often has a tickle fight or wrestles with him after he's been sent to his room or had some privilege taken away (I prefer a quick hug and "it's OK, I accept your apology" and get back to what was going on before)... I understand why he wants to have fun with A__ after having to send him to his room and tell him he did something bad, but I've seen A__ manipulate this more than once.
"Dad, I want to wrestle with you"
"Not right now, later this afternoon"
So A__ will do something to get punished. A few weeks ago it was run around and knock over a chair, when this startled the cat and she ran away, he chased her, shouting and throwing cat food at her, through the house.
When my BF tells him to settle down, or cut that out, or leave the cat alone, A__ throws a fit "I hate you for always being mean to me!" and gets sent to his room for being rude and throwing a fit.
When he comes out to apologize, my BF accepts the apology gets in a wrestling or tickling match with him.... Exactly what he wanted in the first place that made him think up a scheme! Arrgh!

OMG...I think it is more frustrating that I see it and he doesn't. We just went to Disneyland. The 8 year old figured out that if she was "scared" of a ride, dad would sit with her while everyone else went on the ride and he would buy her treats no one else got. So pretty soon the 10 year old figured it out and was suddenly scared of every ride including the hotel elevator...even the ones they had already been on and said were awesome. I pointed out to him that if it did not equate to alone time with dad and they didn't get treats, I bet they would have a renewed interest in the rides. I sat out with them on the next two or three rides, and did not buy them anything, and did not take them on special rides...they just had to wait. After that, they went on every single ride including space and splash mountain without complaint.

Why can't they see it?...its pretty transparent. The bad thing was we made the trip to CA to see his oldest daughter who is 18 and we hadn't seen for a while, which because of the little "afraid of rides" game for the day she spent with us there, she got to see little of her dad as they would usually change their mind about going on the ride right as we were to get on it. Not good. She was really frustrated at how babyish they were also, as was my husbands mother. She mentioned that she saw a big change in them since I had been in their lives. That made me feel a little better and somewhat validated. I don't always see the progress...I am too close to it. They are starting to throw their garbage on the ground 30% less often...that is something I guess? They will only say they can't do something 3 times now before I make them try and they are 30% more successful at actually accomplishing or finishing it. Baby steps...frustrating...painful...babysteps.

IT sounds like he has the mindset that he wants his time with the girls to be fun and not full of punishment. I have that problem with my dd's father. When she gets in trouble at school I try to get him to present a united front with me of how wrong it is and he says he wants his time with her to be fun because he doesn't have her as much as I do! If phone or t.v. privilidges get taken away from my daughter she goes to her dads and he makes silly comments to her about it. He has even told me in front of her that I am being too hard on her at times!

Don't get me wrong he has good qualities as a father and he loves his daughter dearly, but I have just come to accept that he is a "disney dad". He is all about fun and is not going to participate in the parenting aspect.

Because he is my ex, I don't feel like it is worth my time or effort to argue and discuss anymore. But in your situation, where it goes on in your own home, it may be time to have a serious sit down with dh. Or maybe you and your children could go on strike! Do not cook, clean, or do anything around the house for a day or so and see how that works out for them. Let him deal with the whining, food cutting, shoe tying, and cleaning up after his princesses.

The good news is...I absolutely will not, have not, do not currently cut their food, tie their shoes, or clean up after them. The one time I cleaned their room was when I was having someone come look at the house so every room would be viewed including theirs. I gave them 3 weeks to clean it up. I warned them every weekend. I told them that if they chose not to clean it up by the end of the 3 weeks & I had to clean it for them, I was going to do it with about 6 garbage bags and a very bad attitude. Of course we know how that went. I cleaned it out 3 weeks later with 6 garbage bags and a very bad attitude. I left them with about 2 toys and 5 outfits each...which all ended up on the floor within 2 hours of them arriving home for the weekend. Then predictibly two weeks later I start getting asked by my husband about some of the really "special things" that got tossed...a toy, a blanket. I reminded him that #1 "really special" things arent tossed on the ground and #2 they both knew for 3 weeks that anything remaining on the floor was getting scooped and when I would tell them that, they would look around as I said it and shrugged like there was nothing worth the effort to pick up. He knew also and supported it (at the time) I think because he didn't want to clean it either. It took me over 6 hours and it was disgusting!! Next time I will just put up signs around the neigborhood with "free stuff" on it...and lead them right into the room. That would be a timesaver!

Your cleaning sounds like my cleaning last week. After Christmas I went through each kids room with them and cleaned it. I made each kid go through things that I had not seen them use in ages and throw it away. I got about a bag of stuff out of each kids room. I think the worst was my oldest sd. She is the pack rat. Had stuff crammed everywhere...between dresser and wall, under bed, in dresser drawers, in closet, in purses, etc. Me and her spent hours in there going through each crammed area and deciding what "she really needed". Funny thing is that she decided she was messy and now keeps saying how much she loves her "new room". Now that she has a fresh start she has been keeping up on cleaning her room daily, I almost fell over the first time I saw her make voluntarily make her bed and vaccuum her room without even being asked to! I will have to let you know in about a month if we are still looking at a clean room :)

My DH was the same way with his DD when we met. He would cut up her food, buckle her seatbelt, and I about fell over the first time she went into the bathroom while I was there and called him to wipe her butt. (she was 6).

The first time I took her in my car, she got in and sat there. I said "buckle up" and she said she can't. I told her to get the buckle, put it in the slot and she did. No problem. It wasn't until I told DH that my kids never needed help in the bathroom after they were 3 or 4, that he realized his DD was not doing things that she should for herself. She doesn't do that at her mom's house but at dad's, she had figured out that he would do it for her.

One of the repetitive lines in our house is..."in our house, we...." and follow it with whatever YOUR rules are.

The 'written rules list' sounds like a great idea for your household. It's a perfect way to avoid 'being the bad guy' for both of you -- him for 'finally' sticking to it, and you for enforcing the rules because they're known and posted. It's totally 'impartial' and brutally 'fair'.

As the mom of a child with special needs, I am very, very aware of how important it is to teach our children independence. It took almost two full years, but my son was able to tie his own shoes by kindergarten. By age 8, he could independently get himself ready for school in the morning and for bed at night, fix his own breakfast, lunch and snacks. At 10, he was allowed to use the microwave, toaster and make coffee (not drink it!). He's got my 'Mommy Speeches' down cold, and will recite them back to me when he realizes he's done something wrong. It's funny sometimes -- but more than anything else, my son is PROUD of all the things he can do by himself, especially when he realizes that some of his (non-disabled) friends can't do those things.

Come to think of it, perhaps that's another angle you could take? Lavishly praising your younger children when they do something their steps could do but aren't accustomed to... Maybe even a surprise reward? Just make it very public -- Do they do anything good you could 'catch' them doing to spark another round?

One other suggestion -- It sounds pitiful, but what about assigning each kid 15 minutes of chores per week. I know -- 15 minutes -- that's miniscule! But that's what makes it so beautiful. What kid could, with a straight face, whine or argue that 15 minutes is too much? And you can get A LOT done in 15 minutes. The catch is, the entire 15 minutes needs to be spent working -- not 'fixin' to', contemplating, moaning or procrastinating. And YOU get to choose what tasks fill those 15 minutes, and enforce with a stop & start stopwatch. So bringing laundry to the laundry room and starting a load of wash is 3 minutes, scrubbing a toilet is 4 minutes, mopping the kitchen floor is 8 minutes -- that's not so shabby anymore? (Scrubbing toilets might get pretty unappealing when they see your kids earning 30 seconds here and there for bussing their own dishes...)

Well - good luck to you. I still think your hubby may take some persuading, but I bet that if he can support it for three weeks, he'll be a much happier parent.

I'm impressed Sweeby. He can do more than my SD that's almost 9. (we're working on it though) I finally taught her to tie her shoes when she was in 2nd grade, but she now uses ones that slip on because she was always choosing to wear the laces untied (because it's how the teenagers wear them) and the laces were ragged. we let her pick out her clothes but she wants to dress like a teenager and have her belly show or wear shorts & skirts (during winter) because she thinks she'll look cool. (that's a totally different issue with her trying to go from 6-16).

I think the written rules is a great idea. I've done it with predetermined rewards and consequences.

We too have posted rules and consequences, and I think it is helpful for the kids to have something to refer to. It backs up what we always tell SD, and now DS as he is old enough to understand - punishment is avoidable. It's all on them - they are only punished when they do something to deserve it.

I completely agree with the posting of chores. We in fact, have a large white board in our hallway divided into sections by days of the week and kids in the house. Everyone has daily chores. The problem is that the two step kids don't do the chores, and have no consequences imposed for not doing them. Then the problem is compounded with my bio kids who never took issue with doing their chores until they saw the step kids not doing theirs. Unfortunately, they are also the messiest kids in the house, so my kids resent having to clean up after them while doing their chores. I can totally understand how they feel...I am still holding them to it however. I have talked with them about the reason for the chores, and how it builds a work ethic (example of oldest sibling being youngest person promoted to management within her company). They sort of understand that their payoff for worrying about themselves and not others will be clear later in life when they are independent, capable people, and step kids likely will not be. It is not acceptable for them to give up their important life lesson just out of spite or anger for the kids who are not contributing. Granted it is hard for them to see this when they are picking up garbage after someone who is too lazy to pick it up themselves. That is just frustrating.

Regarding husband. He supports chores conceptually and when they don't do them, he says they are too little to sweep, unload dishes, vacuum, etc. Then if I call BS on that, he will say that they shouldn't have to clean because they haven't been here all week...they are only here on the weekends. It goes on and on. Then if I really push it and say that chores are part of this family and they must contribute as part of the family...then when I get him to agree...he says to them if they don't do the chores...they will be in "big trouble"...which as we know is a mini time-out followed by hugs kisses and a tickle-fight. Um...not a big deterrent. Are you feelin my pain?

So I was thinking of a really funny story that goes along with this.

My dh has always been easiest on the youngest, always saying that we can't expect him to act the same way the older kids do because he is younger than them. Anyways, I would complain to my dh about about the youngest only acting up when my dh was around. When my dh was at work youngest helped around the house and could do everything for himself (get dressed, put on shoes/socks, zipper coat, etc.) When my dh was around ss could do nothing for himself and would constantly cry in stores and restaurants. Even the other three kids would tell their dad that the youngest did not act that way with me! I would get so annoyed and always end up stepping in, which would make my ss put on a bigger show. But it irritated me to watch dh play into this crap and give ss whatever he cried for.

Finally one day we were in a restaurant. My ss wanted chocolate chip pancakes, so we ordered them. He then refused to eat them when they came because he did not like how they looked. He refused to even try them! So again dh catered to this and ordered a side of plain pancakes. Those came and then my ss began crying that he was cold and wanted to leave restaurant. He was telling his dad that he wanted to leave now, and was almost screaming it. My dh told him to stop and my ss then stood up in the booth and began screaming (was almost 5 at this time). My dh had other kids move so he could sit next to ss. He tried to calm ss down and he continued his tantrum and pushed pancakes aside, almost knocking them off the table. By this time people were starting to stare. My ss had tears and his face was bright red from screaming and crying. My dh looked at me for help and I smiled and said "this is the monster I warned you that you were creating, but you made excuses and allowed this-now you deal with it". Me and the 3 other kids sat and watched my dh battle the monster. We ate our food and had our own normal conversation. My dh did not eat his food, he was too busy trying to calm ss down. I think that was his big wake-up call. We got home and my dh told my ss how upset he was. My ss had to spend the rest of his day in his room. Now my dh has become more of a disciplinarian with ss, instead of trying to cater to his whims. My ss is much better behaved when dh is around now because he knows that he can no longer get away with that behavior. (FINALLY)

Hopefully your dh will have the same eye opening experience. And them maybe he will realize what a fool he has been.

I can hardly wait. Until then we will still drop everything and drive all the way home to put her pills in a spoonful of jelly because she (the 8 year old) has a "fear" of swallowing pills...and my husband & I will not be able to sit next to each other on the couch without her wedging her way in between us or jumping on his lap and demanding his attention.

Something just occurred to me. I think that married couples who have children together don't have that issue...it is accepted that Mom & Dad's relationship comes first for the benefit of the kids. In step families, kids are used to having additional alone one on one time with dad and parents feel guilty for pulling it back once they are in a new marriage. The kids are used being the one on the parents lap or holding their hand and I think they resent the new spouse for the loss of that time. I have tried to be sensetive to that...but at some point it needs to shift back to normal husband/wife relationship. I don't always want to walk alone or sit by myself on the couch. What do you guys think?

"it is accepted that Mom & Dad's relationship comes first for the benefit of the kids" - uh, no.. The FAMILY comes first in most intact families - and that most often translates into the kids' needs being top priority. If the kids are in a play the night of your anniversary, would you really go to dinner instead? I think the difference is that normally, in an intact family, both mother and father agree that THEIR kids' needs come first, because the kids are both of theirs, and there is no "yours" and "mine."

In intact families that I know the parents make time for eachother. In the intact families that I know the kids are less clingy because they are used to the stability of mom and dad always being there. I think in situations where the mom and dad are remarried the kids tend to cling to their parent because they want to make sure they have their attention. My son still can get clingy at times with me if my dh and I are sitting on the couch watching a movie. He will be in his room playing and come see us cuddled up next to eachother on the couch and feel the need to sit on us! Usually I will tell him if he wants a hug I will be happy to give him a hug, but I am comfy right now and there is not enough room for him to sit with us. There are definately times when I cuddle up next to my son on the couch watching movies as well and it is just mommy and him time.

My oldest sd still has a thing with not being able to take pills. When she was about 9 I remember her getting some medicine that was in pill form and she was refusing to take it. I tried telling her to take a big mouthful of water and then to just drop the pill in. My dh offered to roll the pill up in some food. She cried and cried. If finally came to the point where she was crying so loudly about it the other 3 kids began crying because they felt bad for her! (and some people say children in blended families don't feel connected to eachother!)

TOS...I, as always appreciate all feedback. We differ in our opinions here, and I do hope you recognize that there is a very large following in the school of thought that a parents relationship is the foundation of the family. I have even heard it recommended by a very prominent author that a husband and wife sit together for 15 min upon arriving home and have mom and dad only time where they reconnect and talk about their days, etc. This is not a time where kids are allowed to interrupt. The author mentioned that this establishes to the kids the connectedness and importance of the parents relationship. I think that is great. If the parents are seen as a a rock like foundation for the family...how is that bad?

Many marriages fail when trying to put the relationship with the kids first. Parents arguing in front of kids prompted by kids...big no no. Can you see the value of a united front? I totally agree that if it is your anniversary and the kids are in a play...the play comes first. That goes without saying and is in no way what I am referring to here. Relationships and activities are not the same. I agree that it is always important to attend all kids activities.

The bible...which I am not a big quoter of but here goes...says something about leaving your parents and cleaving to your wife...not your kids. Something to that effect. Your spouse is your primary relationship is it not? Kids will always be important...they are in our care so yes, of course, their needs and activities are always super important.

I am sure I will hear much disagreement on this one...so go ahead...let me have it. Ha ha

Panacea, I agree with you.
My parents took "parents only" time (often over a cup of coffee before the kids got up in the morning) and thought the strength of their relationship was integral to our success as a family. I think I have a better outlook on relationships because of it.
I can't agree with neglecting the kids' emotional needs to focus all your love on the couple, but I think a little "mom and dad only" time is a good thing.
(Oh, and I like your example about the play)

TOS prefers a different parenting style (attachment parenting). After reading some attachment parenting websites, it's definitely not what I would choose... But it appears to have worked for her, and she seems happy with it, so that's good.
I like the attachment parenting idea that it's important for kids to feel that their parent will be there for them and be able to trust and rely on them to fulfill their needs. I think that's a great goal! But I think there's lots of strategies that will reach that goal.

"I can't agree with neglecting the kids' emotional needs to focus all your love on the couple, but I think a little "mom and dad only" time is a good thing"

was there a post that suggested this was happening???

Mom & Ceph...I agree with you both. I would never neglect the emotional needs of my kids and focus only on the "couple". I am not sure why one would ever have to exclude the other. I think that kids emotional needs are important as well but cannot replace or exclude the parental connection with each other. I think it is really weird when parents cling to their kids like they are their spouse...it is unnatural. There is healthy bonding with your child that is less "child centered" and establishes more independent children. I don't need to be "needed" as a parent to the detriment of my childs independence. Kids at age 8 don't need to still be suckling the teet of dependence...in my opinion.

There wasn't a post in this thread about that, but there was in another conversation about this... So I just wanted to be clear off the bat that I don't approve of taking "parents first" to that sort of extreme (like Maria kissing the floor when she sees Sister Berta coming "just to save time")

My experience with attachment parenting has been that the kids end up far more independent and secure than those whose parents raised them differently. When my kids were young, I met someone who actually let her baby of about 4 months cry until he vomited, and then she went in and changed him and let him cry some more!

Some of my kids were traveling in Europe alone or going to college hours away by the age of 16, and overnight camp has been a big hit with others. Independence has definitely not been a problem.

Both my exH and I were on the same page when it came to attachment parenting. I don't remember ever having a disagreement about that. There was still plenty of time to spend together alone, or alone except for whoever was an infant at the time.

As an aside - I can't swallow pills with water or even milk. I generally use applesauce or yogurt.

The Other Side...I think we agree on this topic slightly more than you give credit...what I said was:

"There is healthy bonding with your child that is less "child centered" and establishes more independent children"

I think from the sounds of it you have formed a relatively healthy attachment to your kids while fostering independence at the same time. My post was really more directed toward unhealthy "spouse replacement" type attachments with children.

Your example of letting a 4 month old cry until they vomited is interesting and debateable of course. It is easy to judge without all the info. From your description it sounds on the outset horrible, as it conjurs images of a child left to cry for hours in abusive neglect, however, without the full story I reserve my judgement. Is it possible the parent not adequately burp the baby and the baby vomited after less than 15 min of crying? The parent did go in and change them. It is possible that it was not as abusive as it sounds, but rather a very normal process every parent must go through to allow their infant an opportunity to learn to "self-soothe" in order to develop good sleep habits that last a lifetime? It sounds as if you have the one child?

Regarding the 16 year old world traveler. I can't say in this day and age I would send my child (16 is still a child) to travel alone in europe. I suspect it was with a school group (that is not alone)? Otherwise...I cannot give you the "way to go" you are looking for. I simply cannot agree that it is a "good" thing that your 16 year old "did" europe all alone.

I am glad you and your ex Husband agreed...I presume a lack of closeness was not what broke up your marriage then?

Regarding the pill swallowing...if you can swallow food...you can swallow a pill. Unless you take your sustainance via a straw...you can swallow something that big. Unless someone can show me in the DSM a diagnosable illness that precludes you from swallowing something smaller than stuff you put down your pie whole 3 times a day...I am not buying it! Your mother did you a disservice not teaching you that life skill earlier. I plan to ensure that every one of my children can swallow a pill. Sorry that hit a nerve...It is ridiculous!!!! Its a flippin pill!

ok you can yell at me now. Ha ha

No, I can't swallow pills, unless they are tiny. Nor can I swallow anything else that is hard and that big, like a piece of a nut - but with a nut, I would chew it up first, obviously. I can chew aspirin if necessary, but some pills taste pretty horrible, and you can't chew up a capsule if you want it to work properly. My mother could take pills, and my father, who had severe arthritis, could take six pills at once without water, so it is not like I "learned" this. I simply can't swallow them with water - but it is not a problem, since yogurt and pudding are readily available pretty much everywhere.

My daughter didn't travel all over Europe at that age - but she flew to Europe, and she traveled alone by train and bus to get to her destination, to meet a relative. That was before 9/11, but I don't think I would hesitate to send another child of similar maturity now - it is not like they are going to Iraq.

No, actually the baby cried for something like an hour. I have six children, four of whom are adults. My children did not have to "self-soothe." I nursed them all to sleep until they weaned, by which time they were not infants any longer, and were ready to go to sleep on their own. Not one of them has ever shown up in our/my bed in the middle of the night because he or she was frightened/lonely or whatever, like so many of my acquaintances have said their kids do. For the most part, my kids have always gone to bed without much trouble and slept like a rock.

I completelly agree with TOS on attachment parenting. I never practiced so called self-soothing with DD. It is cruel.

DD grew up very close to all family members, very affectionate and yet very independent in her thinking and everything else. BTW she also travelled all over very early and finds her way in any country she goes to.

I do not know how it is all connected but DD also is not jealous or possessive of her parents, I guess because she always felt secure and safe. Kids who do not get enough love and attachment as babies often grow up dependent, jealous and possessive of their parents. Many of these problematic adult stepkids that are described in this forum would turn out differently if parents would practice more attachment.

i can see it in SO's DDs. They openly say that they never got enough physical and emotional affection from their mother, who never treated her kids a s a priority. It makes them angry at mom and overly attached to dad in unhealthy manner.

BTW my grandmother could never swallow pills. She chocked every time she tried.