Husband having problems with my kids after his 1st child is born

17 years ago

My husband of 18 months (lived together for 3 years) told me last night that he is having problems adjusting to my 13 and 12 year old sons. We have lived with him for 3 years and only had a few minor, expected bumps that were quickly resolved. Our first child together (and his first) was born in December. After she was born, his relationship took a different turn with the boys. He says things like the boys are costing him a fortune (which they aren't, I receive almost $1,000.00 a month in support from their Dad), and things like "if the boys weren't here, we'd have more space to have more children, now I can only have one child". I constantly point it out that my children are of no burden to him, I pay for all of the groceries, their clothings, activities, etc. They visit with their Dad 3 days a week, but no overnights. The only thing that he has to do is provide a roof over their heads, but would still have the same mortgage if we left tomorrow. I seriously am considering leaving my Husband if his attitude continues, because I know my children are feeling this, and they have been through enough with their bio. Dad. Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

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Comments (5)

motherlisa
17 years ago
I can't say I have had the same situation exactly. I have 2 step sons(11 and 13) and then I have a 10 month old son. While the 11 and especially the 13 greatly annoy me at times(in fact I just posted on this), I would never even consider compromising their well being for the little one! I do admit that the relationship with the 2 step sons is definitely not the same as the relationship I have with my biological son. I didn't have the 2 older boys as babies and never got to hold and cuddle them like I do my own. But for your husband to treat them as if they are now in the way or in anyway cramping his style is really just wrong anyway you look at it. Something I try to be mindful of and you might bring up to your husband is the relationship between your older 2 boys and the little one. If he has a strained and difficult relationship with your older boys, how is that going to affect how they feel about their little sister? If your husband has changed the way he treats the boys because of the new baby he could be causing more issues than just a strain in his relationship with them. Does he really want to cause the older boys to resent her because he treated her better than he treats them? I am having issues with my oldest just getting on my nerves, but I take the responsibility for trying to fix the situation. I don't see how the solution could ever be to get the older 2 out of the house!!!Hope I didn't ramble on too much!!! Good luck with your situation.
lovehadley
17 years ago
It sounds like your husband is experiencing what some SMs go through after having a bio-child of their own--kind of a biological urge to "protect your own."

I'm not excusing it or saying that it's okay and that it won't affect your sons---because it's not and it will.

Your baby was just born in December so I'm assuming that the last 4 months have been a transition time for all of you, as you adjust to having a new member of the family. I think change is easier for some people to swallow than others and with your DH, it sounds like it is stirring up all kinds of feelings.

I would strongly urge him to get into counseling so he can work through these issues.
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The Other Side...I think we agree on this topic slightly more than you give credit...what I said was: "There is healthy bonding with your child that is less "child centered" and establishes more independent children" I think from the sounds of it you have formed a relatively healthy attachment to your kids while fostering independence at the same time. My post was really more directed toward unhealthy "spouse replacement" type attachments with children. Your example of letting a 4 month old cry until they vomited is interesting and debateable of course. It is easy to judge without all the info. From your description it sounds on the outset horrible, as it conjurs images of a child left to cry for hours in abusive neglect, however, without the full story I reserve my judgement. Is it possible the parent not adequately burp the baby and the baby vomited after less than 15 min of crying? The parent did go in and change them. It is possible that it was not as abusive as it sounds, but rather a very normal process every parent must go through to allow their infant an opportunity to learn to "self-soothe" in order to develop good sleep habits that last a lifetime? It sounds as if you have the one child? Regarding the 16 year old world traveler. I can't say in this day and age I would send my child (16 is still a child) to travel alone in europe. I suspect it was with a school group (that is not alone)? Otherwise...I cannot give you the "way to go" you are looking for. I simply cannot agree that it is a "good" thing that your 16 year old "did" europe all alone. I am glad you and your ex Husband agreed...I presume a lack of closeness was not what broke up your marriage then? Regarding the pill swallowing...if you can swallow food...you can swallow a pill. Unless you take your sustainance via a straw...you can swallow something that big. Unless someone can show me in the DSM a diagnosable illness that precludes you from swallowing something smaller than stuff you put down your pie whole 3 times a day...I am not buying it! Your mother did you a disservice not teaching you that life skill earlier. I plan to ensure that every one of my children can swallow a pill. Sorry that hit a nerve...It is ridiculous!!!! Its a flippin pill! ok you can yell at me now. Ha ha
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Hi mom-of-all-trades, thank you for the well wishes regarding my husband. A few things however I believe you misunderstood about my position in all of this. He is free and clear to spend as much time with them as he wants to, they are the ones who cut contact with us when he told them to stop lying all the time and stealing from us. They blocked us on facebook and the youngest has moved away and never let us know her contact info. The oldest refuses to tell us when asked. Husband has already extended the olive branch as it were twice without success. The ball is in their court... The youngest never really wanted anything to do with her half siblings and is so far gone in her relationship with her father that he doubts she will ever make contact again. (long story). The oldest still lives with her mother and her mother decided that she doesn't like me because I helped my husband not be a doormat to her and the demands for money that she would have just pissed away for herself (he wasn't required to pay child support and they are both over 18) and guilt she still tried to lay upon him regarding his older children. His oldest seems to have learned how to behave from her mother regarding the stealing, lying and manipulating. I didn't really have a problem with her spending time with my daughter until I started noticing things missing from my house. She even stole a pair of my husband's shoes. New ones that he just bought. Stealing not just from him, but from me as well. When confronted about it, lying and acting outraged at even being accused even though some of the stuff later appeared in her house. This is not the type of person either me or my husband want in our house regardless if she is his daughter. If she ever realizes that she needs to clean up her act and be honest and not steal, then she will be welcome again. And she has been told this. She isn't only hurting us, she is hurting her half-siblings with every item she takes that we have to replace. I have made it clear that I value honesty highly and at this point it is too hard for her to accept. We will see what happens in the future but like I said, I have a strong gut feeling that it will not. Regards NadineV PS, there is a lot more information about what led to this situation in my two previous posts if anyone is interested.
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" What do I do?" Buy the kids hunting gear and have them packed and ready to head out at dawn? LOL No, seriously. This in not necessarily a Skid issue, it's a 'time to grow-up' issue with DH. You have one child together...even if the other two kids never came over, how much time does DH plan on spending with this child? How about family time and outings? The next time he looks at you angry and says 'you don't like my kids'...look him eye to eye and ask "Don't you"? DH is using this as a childish ploy to guilt you into playing babysitter for him while he runs off and plays 'single guy without responsibilities'. Not going to get better until you work out the REAL issue. DH wants to have his cake and eat it too so to say. Time to man up and accept he has three kids. Wonder what would happen if you decided to take off with buddies the next weekend and announce that DH is babysitting all the kids. I do not have stepkids in my home (grown up and moved away) but my DH and I have one last 10 yr old at home and he knows he has pretty much equal "Daddy Duty". I have no problems with him doing time with events such as hunting, but he is also very willing to tend kids when I go off somewhere. Evening homework duty, dinner duty blah blah blah...I did not have a child by myself and I am not raising one by myself...it's been our understanding since the beginning 30 some odd years ago. You either have to work out this issue with him, or not whine over it (not that you were whining). DH can only run over you if you let him. What's he gonna do if you take your child and yourself off for a long weekend to visit your parents? Hire a sitter?
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kkny
17 years ago
LH,

That is very kind and helpful advice. I think recognizing that urges to protect your own are the first step in dealing with the situation.
organic_maria
17 years ago
mominjersey, your husband is experiencing a transition zone of protectiveness of the newborn and obviously wants more kids of his own.
GIve it some time. My husband experienced this with his own two kids. I didn't....way too concentrated on the new bundle to be bothered with issues the sk had. And my sk do not live here..and their own father felt this. And he had it for some months.....
Give it some time and keep open communications.And dont divorce over this unless he becomes abusive to your kids ...some counciling can help too.
Do you want more kids with him or you just want this one?
Why do your sons have no overnight stays? Maybe it would be nice to change the schedual to give more space for a while. Can your sons sleep over friday to sunday at their dads every second weekend...???
weed30 St. Louis
17 years ago
I agree, counseling is in order for your husband alone, and the two of you together. I hope things work out for you.

On this:

"I seriously am considering leaving my Husband if his attitude continues, because I know my children are feeling this, and they have been through enough with their bio. Dad. "

As mentioned, I sincerely hope things work out, but BRAVO that you recognize the long term effects on your boys if your husband's attitude continues. Too many women sacrifice their children for "their man".

Husband having problems with my kids after his 1st child is born

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motherlisa

lovehadley

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