I am confused. Did the guy whose name was on the birth certificate pay support to you all those years?

And was there a case filed for support when your son was two, or was it just a case to establish paternity.

What state are you in ?

If there was a court order for support when your son was two, then you can claim back support, but , except in just a handful of states, if there was no order established, you cant go back 16 years to claim support. YOu can only get support from the time a request for an order for support was filed.

I think you know that your son is right.

The guy refused to acknowledge his son for 18 years, even refused to cooperate when it could have been literally the difference between life & death.

He couldn't have made his feelings more dramatically & absolutely clear if he'd taken out a front page ad in the paper that said,
"Die if that's what you have to do to get out of my life-once you're dead, you can't cost me any money".

The *only* reason he's buttering up your son now is to get your son to work on you to let him off the hook financially.

Once he's off the hook, he's outta there.

Neither you nor your son is going to get any love or respect from this guy;
all either one of you means to him is money out of his pocket.
If you can't get love or respect, you might as well get the money & go on with your lives.

about that wife & 3 children-
he knew he had a son before he started another family.

I'd tell my son to guard his heart & to not expect anything.
& I think, absent the advice of an attorney, I'd tell him he didn't have to talk to this guy if he didn't feel like it.

There was an order for support against the wrong guy. That's probably why he left the state. He's never paid it and when the default order was vacated, so was his arrears that he never paid. (He does still owe for a daughter that I was pregnant with when he left. He's never seen her either)

I'm in CA.

The case against the father filed when he was 2, sought to establish paternity and support (in the amount of $250 per month, so that's the most he would have to pay if the appellate court agrees) The trial court did say that it was the right thing to do, go back 16 years, because he had known about the child. If he hadn't known, then they would say it's too bad for me.

I am seeking the back support, and I expect to win a judgment but my issue here is more about his contact with my son now, and the feelings my son is having about it. I'm concerned that he's just using my son to get me to drop the case and in the end, he's just going to walk away again. My son is also worried about that but wants to give him the benefit of the doubt. Last night, he told me that part of him wants to hate his father. He's just so confused and his father is trying to convince him that it's my fault he didn't come around.

It sounds like although he knew that there is a son, he didn't know for sure it is his (or lies that he didn't), plus somebody else was on a birth certificate. I think he can argue that only now he knows for sure it is his son.

If he wants to be the father now it is never too late and he can certainly try. As about support, if you can prove that he knew that he is the real father he should pay support. But how are you going to prove it when DNA test took place only now, 18 years later? And if he never saw a kid, it is not like you can say: anybody can see that they look alike.

Good luck. Hope whatever happens is going to benefit your son, that's what matters.

He can't have it both ways;
he can't refuse, time after time, to acknowledge his fatherhood & still not be at fault for not having had a "relationship" with the boy.

An old boyfriend once told me,
"The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

I've never found it to be otherwise.

I wish you the best.

The court has already decided that he knew about his son. He didn't deny it, he just stated that a legal father had been established. He saw my son when he was 8 (they look almost identical, my son looks like a mini him) and after he walked away, I sent him pictures with a letter. I even tried to guilt him into seeing him. I told him in the letter that I can't do anything legally to make him see or support his son (because at that time, I couldn't) but if he wanted a DNA test after seeing pictures, I would pay for it. He never responded. He didn't deny all my attempts to get him to be involved in my son's life, he just kept hanging onto saying that there was another legal father and his name isn't on the birth certificate.

Since your son knows all this (he does know it, right?), he probably realizes that the athletic shoes, visits, & other things that never appeared until this man was afraid he'd have to shell out money are just bait.

I think I'd try to support him in not taking the bait.

& any time I felt my resolve weaken, I'd remember how scary it was to have a child with a tumor & have his 'father' refuse to get involved.

People are nicer to strangers.

What would happen if your son said, fine, dad, I'm all in favor of forgiveness & putting the past behind us;
let's just get the business part of it out of the way first;
you just pay mom what the court says you owe her & I'm your boy, okay?

Your situation reminds me of something my old roommate Laurie told me:

Her mom, Fran, divorced her dad & didn't take one cent in settlement;
Fran had been a homemaker her whole adult life;
she didn't have the funds to fight her ex in court, & she knew she couldn't help her daughters financially, so she agreed to waive her rights if Laurie's father would pay for college for both their daughters.

Laurie talked to her dad at least once a week, & he knew she was paying for her college with loans & grants, & he never offered to help.

There were weeks when she ate ramen noodles, & he never offered to help.

Laurie's younger sister was living with their mother, Fran, in their home country, where Fran had returned to take care of her mother & to get a job with a relative.

At that time, international phone bills were prohibitively expensive, so Laurie hardly ever got to talk to her mother.

When the younger sister graduated from high school, she came to Texas & got in touch with Laurie, & Laurie helped her get a scholarship.

About 6 months later, Fran came to Texas to visit her daughters;
when she found out that the girls had had *no* help whatsoever, she blew a gasket & called their father.

made no difference;
The father claimed that he would have helped the girls if they had *needed* it, but that they were doing fine on thier own.

so Fran got no settlement, her daughters got no help, & her ex kept all the money.

"What would happen if your son said, fine, dad, I'm all in favor of forgiveness & putting the past behind us;
let's just get the business part of it out of the way first;
you just pay mom what the court says you owe her & I'm your boy, okay? "

Agreed --
Your son can smell a skunk and so can you.
And while it's possible that Daddy may have grown a heart and conscience, it's certainly not likely.

don't let him off the hook. he can buy gifts and come see his son, it is great, but it doesn't mean he should not pay child support. he should be given another chance and taking his son to the mall is a good step, it is never too late, but...he still has to pay back child support. make sure he does.