I have a very similar problem -- my son lives at home, sleeps much of the day away, and does very little to help around the home. Although, he is a sophomore in college and so far has maintained good grades despite what I think is excessive use of weed and not sure what other kinds of partying. He has minimal interest in me, his other family, or doing much except his studying and going out with friends. He is moody and very difficult to talk with about most anything. I am a single mom and I am supporting him through college except that he gets tuition paid because of his good grades so far. He did not live at home his freshman year, now he is home and I am saving money by not having to pay room and board. Yet, I see him in so much of what you all are saying. He contends that he cannot work part time because of his school load, but has made no effort to see if there is any work on campus or anyplace he could work. In the summer he found a short term job, yet put no effort into finding work after that. Many of the suggestions here are so helpful. I need to make it uncomfortable for him to live here unless he contributes. He seems to have minimal desire to change or make anything of his life. Getting through school seems to be his validation for doing little else. I do not like having to deal with the anger, name calling, put downs against me when I ask him to do chores and contribute to the home. It's difficult. Both my own guilt and he can be surly and very mean. Looking for more ideas and suggestions. My first attempt will be to require chores for spending money. It will likely not go well. There will be a barrage of insults hurled at me. Yet, I need to make a stand for us both. I have a brother who is still living off of our parents at 50 years old. I do not want this to happen. I want him to make something of his life. ellabright

Good afternoon everyone, thank you for the follow-ups. asolo, although that might be ideal, I'm not sure if I can legally do that right now? Our settlement states that sheÂs entitled to reasonable contact on whatever terms and conditions the two of us agree. mimi_boo and larke, I have an attorney since I've already gone through the divorce and parenting plan process. My attorney, based on information regarding a domestic violence incident in 2009 where she was put in jail overnight and ordered to take anger management class, said he didn't think it would be unreasonable for me to withhold my consent for out of state contact. That makes me feel alot better knowing I can prove that to the courts if she decides to fight for visitation in Ohio. She really can't do anything right now anyways since she doesn't have the money to hire an attorney. I will probably just wait it out and see if she backs down. She has been known to go on the path of promising but not delivering anyways. I'm just thankful that my son is with me right now, and he seems very happy and doing well in school. Thank you all again.

What would happen if your son said, fine, dad, I'm all in favor of forgiveness & putting the past behind us; let's just get the business part of it out of the way first; you just pay mom what the court says you owe her & I'm your boy, okay? Your situation reminds me of something my old roommate Laurie told me: Her mom, Fran, divorced her dad & didn't take one cent in settlement; Fran had been a homemaker her whole adult life; she didn't have the funds to fight her ex in court, & she knew she couldn't help her daughters financially, so she agreed to waive her rights if Laurie's father would pay for college for both their daughters. Laurie talked to her dad at least once a week, & he knew she was paying for her college with loans & grants, & he never offered to help. There were weeks when she ate ramen noodles, & he never offered to help. Laurie's younger sister was living with their mother, Fran, in their home country, where Fran had returned to take care of her mother & to get a job with a relative. At that time, international phone bills were prohibitively expensive, so Laurie hardly ever got to talk to her mother. When the younger sister graduated from high school, she came to Texas & got in touch with Laurie, & Laurie helped her get a scholarship. About 6 months later, Fran came to Texas to visit her daughters; when she found out that the girls had had *no* help whatsoever, she blew a gasket & called their father. made no difference; The father claimed that he would have helped the girls if they had *needed* it, but that they were doing fine on thier own. so Fran got no settlement, her daughters got no help, & her ex kept all the money.

Sweeby, I tend to agree with you. I truely believe my SS is a sociopath. I have researched it extensively and he is dead on. Even to the point that we got puppies for each of the kids last year and he would feed and water his, walk it when the others walked theirs but he never loved on it like the others did. Never smiled at it when it was happy to see him. He was detached. Honestly, that was when I first started to notice he was a little different. He can turn it on, when he knows others are watching, or even mimic others "normal" behavior, he is just different. His puppy didn't grow and learn like the others because he didn't take time with her. When he went to his mothers and said he wasn't coming back, I was at least relieved that I could find the puppy someone to love her. To this day he has never even asked where she is! Was my husband a great father? No. He thought he was, he tried so hard. He stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years convinced (by his wife and her family) that if he left he would never see his sons again. That is a ridiclous farce! But my husband, while the kindest soul I have ever know, isn't the most intellectual man. He was on his own at age 15 and all he wanted was a family. He endured SO MUCH to keep his family together and while he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, it was in the end, the absolute worst thing he could have done. Children who grow up in a battle zone, watching their mother belittle their father over and over, watching their mother lose her temper and hit herself in the head, having one affair after another, that is bound to produce some twisted individuals. My husband tried to keep them busy, Boy Scouts, football, basketball, bowling leagues, track...he was at every practice, every game, helped coach..anything he could to keep them busy and focused on something positive. Yes, he feels gulity. I don't bring it up anymore, he talks when he needs to talk and I listen. Last night for the first time, he said, "I should have taken my boys and left when they were little. They would be different now." I know that is true and I know that is why he puts up with so much, he is largely to blame. No, he wasn't a mean father, but he was an ignorant one, either way, his boys are damaged. I feel bad for my SSs and I am very maternal by nature, so I have tried so hard to take care of them. I wonder if maybe there isn't some jealousy there by the 18 year old because he didn't grow up with that kind of mother. His mother is SO selfish! I have never seen anything like it! Well, my SSs....I have loved on him, he and I had one on one "date nights" and days of shopping and lunches like I do with the others, talked about everything under the sun. I just think it is too late... When his behavior affects my children I have to say no more. Some have asked about my 20 year old SS that I have only met twice. Right in the middle of the split between his parents, he "came out". He was 17. He really , really needed understanding and nurturing. He didn't get it. His mother was vested in her new relationship and his father was licking his own wounds. Both adults were selfish and not there for their son in a very, very crucial time in his life. He is still angry and hurt. While my husband now sees his mistake and wants to be there for his son, he is now going to have to wait until his son is ready to forgive him. Which is why my husband calls him very Sunday and leaves him a message, without fail. He tried to live with his mother and her boyfriend and that didn't work out because the boyfriend was calling him a *ag every day! I wish he would give us a chance but he just isn't ready... I saw on FB recently that he was saying he needed money for groceries. I told my husband (who doesn't realy do the FB thing)and he sent him money for groceries. It's a start... Need to add, the SSs do NOT get along! It's just a big mess! : ( I have to leave it all to my husband. He created this situation, regardless of his intentions, it is time for him to step up and take care of his own. I am just going to take care of mine and see in time what develops.