Help_seeker, I am so sorry. To me it seems like parenting adult kids is particularly difficult when substance abuse or mental illness is involved. When your son finishes job corps, then it sounds like he will truly be on his own and responsible for finding a job and earning his own living. He may still change his mind and his direction in life. If I were in your shoes, knowing drugs are involved, I would try to attend a local NarAnon family group or something like that. They can probably give you some great tips. I might be tempted to keep paying for the cell phone, so my son would have a way to contact me and I would have a way to contact him. But you may be right that it would be better to stop paying for the cell phone. I know you are broken hearted at the direction your son has taken in life, and I would be, too. But he has some things going on in his favor. He was caught with pot, not heroin. Future employers will be a lot more understanding about an arrest for pot possession than something like meth. Second, he's an intelligent young man. When he finally gets his act together, he's a smart guy and he still go back to school if he chooses. Many young people struggle just to pass basic community college courses. When your son decides to get serious about his education he will be a bit rusty but he has the intelligence to do well once he makes that choice. Last, he has caring parents - both parents - who love him. It sounds like all you can do is step back and let him fall, and probably the sooner the better. Do you think it's possible that your son has a mental health issue like depression or anxiety? I've been told that there are some mental health issues that start showing symptoms early in college, and that self-medicating with alcohol or drugs sometimes goes hand in hand with mental health issues. I know people with mental health issues who have gotten treatment that works for them and are doing great - they went from falling apart to living healthy, happy, responsible lives. Hang in there. It sounds like your son has been given a loving family foundation. He may see the light sooner than you think.

Everything that everyone has said has gone through my mind when thinking about this issue. I had a similiar situation when I was 14 I had an 18 year old boyfriend. My parents had a fit! Of course I understand now as an adult but then I unleashed holy terror on them. I snuck out at night, skipped school, anything I could to see him. I got pregnant when I was 15 years old...resulting in the son that I am now seeking advice on. Lifes sweet revenge I suppose...LOL. I was with that boyfriend until I was 21 years old. It was a terrible relationship and unfortunately took me until that age to realize it. I really think I spent so many years so focused on making the relationship work to prove a point to my parents. I also wondered if it was handled different and they discussed birth control with me if things would have been different. I would have hickies on my neck but never once was birth control mentioned. I know, I know....I deserve everything I get. ;-) Anyway....at this point this is how I have chosen to handle this and will need to take this day by day. She lives in the same town as his dad lives in so it becomes more of an issue when he is at his house. The other night she came over to their house and they watched a movie together...in a public room. I told him that I would like to meet her as I am apprehensive about them spending time together unsupervised. He told her and she said she understands and she would want the same thing if she was a parent. We were watching sports yesterday and I asked if she likes sports, etc? Figured I'd ease him into openly talking about her w/ me without fear that I am going to go psycho. LOL. I don't want him with a 20 yr old. I also don't want him with some crazy 16 year old girl that smokes marijuana. I also don't want him with a 17 year old girl that has more piercings on her face than an entire rock band. Or an 18 yr old that gets drunk and sleeps with everyone. I pray daily that I am doing the right thing as a parent. Obviously some of you agree with me and some don't. I don't even agree with myself 1/2 of the day. Thanks for listening.

What would happen if your son said, fine, dad, I'm all in favor of forgiveness & putting the past behind us; let's just get the business part of it out of the way first; you just pay mom what the court says you owe her & I'm your boy, okay? Your situation reminds me of something my old roommate Laurie told me: Her mom, Fran, divorced her dad & didn't take one cent in settlement; Fran had been a homemaker her whole adult life; she didn't have the funds to fight her ex in court, & she knew she couldn't help her daughters financially, so she agreed to waive her rights if Laurie's father would pay for college for both their daughters. Laurie talked to her dad at least once a week, & he knew she was paying for her college with loans & grants, & he never offered to help. There were weeks when she ate ramen noodles, & he never offered to help. Laurie's younger sister was living with their mother, Fran, in their home country, where Fran had returned to take care of her mother & to get a job with a relative. At that time, international phone bills were prohibitively expensive, so Laurie hardly ever got to talk to her mother. When the younger sister graduated from high school, she came to Texas & got in touch with Laurie, & Laurie helped her get a scholarship. About 6 months later, Fran came to Texas to visit her daughters; when she found out that the girls had had *no* help whatsoever, she blew a gasket & called their father. made no difference; The father claimed that he would have helped the girls if they had *needed* it, but that they were doing fine on thier own. so Fran got no settlement, her daughters got no help, & her ex kept all the money.

Sweeby, I tend to agree with you. I truely believe my SS is a sociopath. I have researched it extensively and he is dead on. Even to the point that we got puppies for each of the kids last year and he would feed and water his, walk it when the others walked theirs but he never loved on it like the others did. Never smiled at it when it was happy to see him. He was detached. Honestly, that was when I first started to notice he was a little different. He can turn it on, when he knows others are watching, or even mimic others "normal" behavior, he is just different. His puppy didn't grow and learn like the others because he didn't take time with her. When he went to his mothers and said he wasn't coming back, I was at least relieved that I could find the puppy someone to love her. To this day he has never even asked where she is! Was my husband a great father? No. He thought he was, he tried so hard. He stayed in a loveless marriage for 20 years convinced (by his wife and her family) that if he left he would never see his sons again. That is a ridiclous farce! But my husband, while the kindest soul I have ever know, isn't the most intellectual man. He was on his own at age 15 and all he wanted was a family. He endured SO MUCH to keep his family together and while he THOUGHT he was doing the right thing, it was in the end, the absolute worst thing he could have done. Children who grow up in a battle zone, watching their mother belittle their father over and over, watching their mother lose her temper and hit herself in the head, having one affair after another, that is bound to produce some twisted individuals. My husband tried to keep them busy, Boy Scouts, football, basketball, bowling leagues, track...he was at every practice, every game, helped coach..anything he could to keep them busy and focused on something positive. Yes, he feels gulity. I don't bring it up anymore, he talks when he needs to talk and I listen. Last night for the first time, he said, "I should have taken my boys and left when they were little. They would be different now." I know that is true and I know that is why he puts up with so much, he is largely to blame. No, he wasn't a mean father, but he was an ignorant one, either way, his boys are damaged. I feel bad for my SSs and I am very maternal by nature, so I have tried so hard to take care of them. I wonder if maybe there isn't some jealousy there by the 18 year old because he didn't grow up with that kind of mother. His mother is SO selfish! I have never seen anything like it! Well, my SSs....I have loved on him, he and I had one on one "date nights" and days of shopping and lunches like I do with the others, talked about everything under the sun. I just think it is too late... When his behavior affects my children I have to say no more. Some have asked about my 20 year old SS that I have only met twice. Right in the middle of the split between his parents, he "came out". He was 17. He really , really needed understanding and nurturing. He didn't get it. His mother was vested in her new relationship and his father was licking his own wounds. Both adults were selfish and not there for their son in a very, very crucial time in his life. He is still angry and hurt. While my husband now sees his mistake and wants to be there for his son, he is now going to have to wait until his son is ready to forgive him. Which is why my husband calls him very Sunday and leaves him a message, without fail. He tried to live with his mother and her boyfriend and that didn't work out because the boyfriend was calling him a *ag every day! I wish he would give us a chance but he just isn't ready... I saw on FB recently that he was saying he needed money for groceries. I told my husband (who doesn't realy do the FB thing)and he sent him money for groceries. It's a start... Need to add, the SSs do NOT get along! It's just a big mess! : ( I have to leave it all to my husband. He created this situation, regardless of his intentions, it is time for him to step up and take care of his own. I am just going to take care of mine and see in time what develops.