I haven't read ALL the posts but did read the ones written by OP. So, here's my little opinion for what it's worth. You haven't been married long and want to enjoy weekends without kids... your DH left his kids to be with you... he thinks it's wise to punish the kids because they are testing him... I don't think that you and he have thought about what YOU TWO are doing that is making the situation worse. It's not that I think it's acceptable for a kid to say 'come get me' and then refuse to go when you arrive. Dad should have said, 'get in the car', end of story. But, I would assume the kids are testing dad to see how devoted he is and if his love is 'unconditional' and when he says "I'm not coming back to get you on Saturday", then it tells the kids 'it is conditional'. In a situation where the family is still intact, it would probably be different if dad makes arrangements for a kid and the kid changes his mind and dad says no to the next time. But, when you have kids that probably have some abandonment issues, you have to consider the motivation behind what they are saying and doing. The same thing comes to mind when he, at 13 wants to hold dad's hand at the mall... he's testing if dad loves him more than you. and really, dad should love his kids more than you... the kids are a lifelong commitment, marriage isn't always (at least 50-60% of the time). I also thought the same thing when he raves about his relationship with mom's BF. Maybe he feels that way or maybe he just wants his dad to 'think' he feels that way so dad might get jealous and be more involved. Kids that want their parents attention will spend more time trying to figure out how to get it... they will say what they think the parent will react to... they will test and try the parent. My SD is dealing with abandonment issues and it totally crushed her when her mom moved away to be with a guy. She has cried that mom's BF is taking her mom away from her. Mom spends too much time with BF's kids, etc. But, when she is upset with us, she will tell us how much she loves him and calls him dad, etc. I'm sure she likes him as he's a nice guy.. but she is jealous and isn't as crazy about him as she will lead us to believe at times. I've also seen her do the same thing with her mom... when she wants her mom's attention, she'll tell her mom about all the fun stuff I do with her to make her mom jealous. If that doesn't work or she wants a different reaction, she'll tell her mom how horrible we are to her so her mom will give her whatever we won't. (She knows how to play both sides) She does it much more with her mom because her mom ignores her and we don't. As for the hand holding... when we are out, I don't even bother trying to hold his hand because it's not worth upsetting the kids. My kids don't like it when we kiss in public (and I'm talking about a peck). We don't refrain just because the kids don't want us to do that, but what is it proving to do those things. We could say "we're the adults and you kids have no right to tell us what to do" and that would be true. But, then there's bad feelings from the kids to the new partners and hugs, kisses and hand holding are not so important that we will let it cause disharmony... blended families have enough struggles as it is. As for moving away, I don't think the number of miles matters when the kid feels 'my parent loves so and so more than staying here with me'. It is the parent's responsibility to keep up as much contact to make up for leaving as possible. and it's completely different thing when a parent moves for a job, than when a parent moves for a relationship. Kids can understand that dad needs to work to make money to take care of me... but it's harder to understand that dad loves his girlfriend enough to leave and spend less time with me so he can spend more time with her...and her kids... and if the move was made because it is less disruptive to the new girlfriends life (and HER kids) then the kids would probably resent it even more. The biggest beef I've had with SD's mom moving, was THE WAY SHE DID IT. She is an extreme case, no advanced notice... she let us know AFTER she was moved. She left for a guy.. not just any guy, a guy she only knew two or three weeks. and she tried to get SD excited about it, like it was a GREAT thing.... talking about their wonderful house... his dogs.. his kids... Yeah, SD acted excited on the phone with her mom but spent weeks in her room balling her eyes out. Then her mom would cancel weekends, or leave her at grandma's house at noon to go back to BF when she was supposed to keep her til 6... and so obviously, the level of contact went from 50/50 to a day and a half each week... which was shared with a new BF that BM wanted her to call dad (with his kids) & be one happy family. It would have been different if she had spent every minute possible with her kids and called her daughter every evening at bedtime and show SD that SD was a priority... but her moving away the way she did said it all to SD and her mom did nothing to make up for it. The parent that moves away HAS to do more to make up for it because kids are not always able to be forward and honest with the parent because they fear the parent will stop seeing them altogether and they already fear (with good reason as moving is proof to them) that they are less important and less loved than the person they moved for. That's just my nickel's worth of opinion.

wow some of this hit the nail on the head first on the adoptive children. I can see the difference and big difference lies in the fact you are the ONLY MOM. there is not another person raising this child and looking out for their best welfare. There isn't a biomom who is the picture making decisions, planning the child's future. There isn't someone else's feelings or toes that you step on. YOu are it. That to me is just as natural real as your own child. It is someone you care for , look after and that rely ON YOU and only YOU> They have noone else, I can see how that could seem soo natural and feel the same as a bio children except they are adopted. When you go into adopting a child it's because you soo badly desire that child, you look, wait and plan for that child. A Stepchild, lands on your lap at any given time unplanned. Yes you may have known this was the package deal, but you didn't build that person, you werent the sole caregiver for this child, you didn't think of what he was going to look like, what you had planned as a family etc. that to me is a big difference then planning for a child to come into your life. Same w/ a bio child. I am a mother of a 15 mth old son and SM to two biochildren. It is very difficult for me to have that "same" feeling I have w/ my son. EVen before my son I felt the same way. I do think that my DH is finally coming aruond to see this after having our son together that it IS very different to having your own child. I look forward everyday to seeing my child no matter how cranky he is.. with my Skids, I look forward to seeing them but honestly I look forward to having a break from them? why I can't pin it, maybe it's resentment on the mom's part as she is always blaming my DH for stuff or tells my DH he doesn't treat them fairly, he cares more about "our" family over there. Which is so untrue. MY DH is a great dad even prior to our child. If anything he favors his first born son.. and sometimes I tell him that. But he loves all his children equally it's just they don't live w/ us fulltime so it make it harder. I also understand the fairness issue. WE get that from her, if you go on vacation you need to take them. Well what if I want to take a vacation w/ my son and DH when the skids are w/ her? Can I not? Do i always have to fill her in on my life/ my choices.. That to me is what is challenging, as I don't naturally think of my skids feelings. I naturally think I want to take a vacation w/my son and my skids, BUT sometimes I think it'd be nice to just be the three of us w/ out them while they are w/ their mom doing fun things.. ? There are times the three of us are invited to parties/bbqs etc and the kids are on their mom's weekend.. how is that fair? how is it fair we go and don't take them but on weekend sthey are w/ their BMOM they get to go to disneyland and my son doesnt? to me life isn't fair. and that is what you need to teach the kids that are in a blended family. The BM job is to make them understand that this is what happens soemtimes and it's not intentional and that we also have to live our life just as they do. BUt BM stirs up the pot and adds her 2 cents in as she is jealous of our time. even though she is remarried and has her own DH she says this is hurting the kids. To me theo nly thing that hurts the kids is when she uses them as tools to get what SHE wants or tries to put guilt on my DH instead she should be teaching the kids that it's healthy and ok to feel hurt or left out but it's their life and how things are going to be sometimes. Just like my son doesn't get to do it all either will they? If life fair no and setting them up for disappointment will only help them in the long run instead of spoiling them and telling them that their situation is perfect as it isn't.. Anyways, what i am saying is, it is very difficult to be a stepmom.. Never would I have chosen this path if I hadn't met the man that I love.. It takes a very strong person to handle this and at times i don't always feel that strong NOR want to be.

Sweeby and the others said it very well. As a MOM, I completely understand that innate desire to protect your own. My DD7 came home from school last week all sad because her "best friend" wasn't her best friend anymore. She said her friend would not let her play with her and a group of other girls at recess. AUUGHHH. It broke my heart. :( Today, however, everything is all a-ok again. So--your situation is obviously more serious and your DS is dealing with some very real and serious issues; I'm not trying to compare what he's going through to playground spats. I just meant I understand that "mama bear" instinct. The first thought I had is that this has all been very fast for your son. You and dad have been divorced for less than a year? And dad is already remarried? That's a lot for anyone to handle, let alone a 7 yr old. Is he in any counseling? I think a sit-down with dad is definitely in order. Honestly, your son would be strange if he DIDN'T have any feelings/issues about all that's happened and all that's changed. But I would also urge you to take it slow and wait and see how things unfold. The version you are getting from your son may not be accurate. Sure, it may be how HE perceives things to be, but kids' perception is often skewed, particularly when they are working through emotional issues. My SS is 7 and my DD is also 7. We've been together since they were not even 2, and lived together since they were 4ish. But even NOW, after all this time, SS will go to his BM's house and say one thing. It's usually some unjust he feels---ie, Dad sent him to time-out and not DD, or DD didn't have to eat all her veggies, and he did. ETC. While there is usually a GRAIN of truth in what he says, he often, as kids do, will neglect to tell the whole story. DD didn't have to finish her carrots because she ate her whole first helping and asked for seconds. Dad told SS and DD to stop doing ________ and DD listened. SS continued to do whatever it was and THAT'S why he went to time-out. ETC. I would proceed slowly and speak with your DH about what your son's been saying. Always keep a CLEAR line of communication with your ex and make sure your son knows that you two will talk regularly and freely. The more open you are with each other, the less likely it is that your son will manipulate the situation. I'm not saying for sure that's what's going on here....but it could be.

(I posted this on another forum as well. So many have this issue!) Daddies instinctively protect daughters. Never make them choose between you and the daughters. The only way to, IMHO, to solve this is to convince the dad that forcing the daughter to be self-sufficient is BEST FOR HER, and this is easy to do if you read up on enabling behavior, teaching self-sufficiency, etc. Summary is that he is HARMING her by NOT teaching her budgeting, self-sufficiency, and the joy of building a comfortable life step by step. Children are raised in a family such that by the time they are 18 it is typically more safe and comfortable than if they go out on their own. They have to "step down" in living standards when they start out on their own, and build their own life in order to be comfortable. This natural way to build a life is stripped away by enabling parents who have seen to their children's needs and feel their children should continue at that lifestyle level instead of starting out on their own at a lower level. Remind Dad of his own struggle to become successfully/financially independent, and that he is robbing daughter of this same life journey and the character it builds. The daughter doesn't know anything different, this is what she has been made to expect, so this is, sadly, really ALL the Dad's fault. If the Dad isn't convinced this is the way things should evolve for daughter FOR HER OWN GOOD, then separate your finances, budget for your future including retirement, and require Dad pay his half of your joint expenses. If he can't pay it due to support for daughter, then he is bumming off of you, and you have some hard choices of your own enabling behaviour. Finally, I suggest strongly that the daughter is not just dumped. A timeline needs to be created, maybe 3 years, with firm milestones on becoming self-sufficient, including training for a career. The milestones need to be met every 6 months such as attending training classes, filling out job applications (if needed) x times PER DAY, with consequences spelled out in writing and carried through. Buy Quicken or similar product for daughter to learn about budgeting. I advise NOT being the career adviser, but pointing daughter to state/federal resources and career counselling to teach her how to get help on her own, although funding career counselling may be wise. Read up on tough love and remember that young people's expectations are set by the parent. They don't know any better than what they've been led to believe. Good luck. You only live once.