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Older step children take advantage

16 years ago

I'm new here, and I've searched for a similar post and didn't find one, so forgive me if I'm repeating someone else's issue...

I am 38 (no children), and have been married to my 54 husband for two years. He has a daughter 21, and son 24. I get along good with his kids, even unexpectedly well with his daughter. But, it seems that they can do no wrong, and even if they do, it's never addressed by my husband. He hates confrontation, and puts off any kind of "grown up" conversations with his kids. I'll probably vent about his son some other day but today, I'm worried about my SD. She is very naive, and immature, even speaks in a baby voice (especially around "Daddy" which she still calls him). She is away at college, has never had any sort of job, her father puts money in her bank account for her, she drives his truck, and he pays her cell phone bill. He pays for her to fly home for every holiday and basically anything she wants. She was home for Thanksgiving and my husband made flight arrangements for her to come home for Christmas. She shared with me that she wanted to go out for New Year's with her friend at college, and wanted to ask him to change her flight back to school so she could go back earlier and out with her friends. This isn't the first time we've paid to have her flight changed for her. Well, my husband is totally against drinking (has never had a drop of alcohol in his life) and his daughter told me that she was worried he wouldn't change her flight just so she could go out partying. A week later, he tells me that he was changing her flight because she was moving into a different dorm at school. Did I mention that he's also extremely against lying?? Anyway, I was upset that she had lied to him, but chose not to tell him, I knew it would crush him that she lied. Well, she's not good at lying. He asked her the other day when she was moving dorms, and she said that she was already moved out. He then said "Then why did I change your flight?". She stumbled around that somehow and then said "well, it's still ok, because my friends and I are going to Dallas for New Years". He raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. She left pretty abruptly 10 minutes later. He then asked me if I knew what was going on, and I confessed what she had told me. He sent her an email telling her that he was disappointed, and they talked the next day. Then she sent me a sort of apology email, saying that she was sorry that it "seemed" like she was lying to us. And that it was all just an "accident", she thought she had told him. WHAT??? I wrote her back and told her that I didn't think it was an accident and that it would be much better to just admit that she didn't tell her dad the whole truth, own up to getting caught, apologize and move on. But, after that, she gave her dad this big, long explanation of how she thought she had told him, blah, blah. He believes her and has explained to her that I was raised differently. How my parents made me pay rent to live in out home once I turned 18. That I was expected to work and make my own way, and how I disagree with some of the decisions he makes regarding his kids. It's almost like he's apologizing to her for what I had said! Heaven forbid his daughter should be talked to, or treated like an adult! I agree that I was raised different, I did not get everything I wanted and nothing was handed to me. The bottom line is this: She will graduate college with at least 20k in school loans, have to get a job, pay her own bills (I wonder if he will continue paying the truck insurance and her cell phone), and is in no way prepared for it. I don't think she believes (and I probably don't either) when her father tells her that her loans are her responsibility (he has told her this on several occasions). Whenever a situation comes up where she needs money, he tells her that we're blessed enough to help her financially, but that she needs to figure out how to do things if we couldn't help her. When will she ever have to "figure it out"? He's never made her figure anything out for herself. I don't like that her answer to "figuring out" how to get something has now become lying to her father, with no real consequences. How will she be prepared to live as an adult if everyone still treats her as though she is 12, not 21? My husband and I are very happy and communicate well, with the exception of issues with his kids. I have disagreed with some of the things he does for his kids, and he's hesitant to talk with me about things that involve his kids. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just jealous...

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