This is probably an unpopular opinion, but it is my experience with my situation and a couple other women I know. Whatever the situation is now it probably will never change. If a man can't say no to his children he probably never be able to, especially daughter's that cry because they can't pay the rent. I spent 33 years hoping my husband would change, but he could not say no. He would say, "I have to talk to my wife about this", which would made me the villain. The only hope you have of changing him is to leave. If he truly loves you, he will want you back and will change. that is the advice Alnon gave my sister who's husband was an alcoholic. I believe in helping your children when they leave home and need help adjusting to making ends meet, but ours were all approaching 50 years old....We loaned money to them until I caught him making plans to do it behind my back, he confessed, I put the money in my name making him the beneficiary of the account in case I died. Only then did the loan stopped.

Thanks Jonesy -- my problem is not so much him helping with money issues, in fact, the one thing I can say is that he has been burned by his daughters before and I believe he has learned a lesson. Still, he and his kids talk on the phone no less than three times a day, every day, he helps with college info, anything that needs to be taken care of. Their mother has about had it with them (she, of all people, can admit to how rude and disrespectful the girls are) and in fact, she and her somewhat new husband (who also gets no respect from these girls) finally told them to find their own place to live. Which is now, once again, why my husband comes running to the rescue more or less to listen and give advice. But my problem is, as I tell him, the more he continues to treat them like babies the longer it will take them to ever grow up. It's this kind of "nurturing" he thinks he is doing for them, all the while I sit in the background only being told certain events that are happening with them, etc. It is causing a major problem between us. By the way, his daughters moved to live with us and it lasted a month, due to the way they treated HIM. It was not even me they were disrespectful to, it was mostly towards him at the time. You would think he would learn his lesson, and I guess that's what bothers me so much.

Yes, we need more info -- Like do the girls feel they have a legitimate reason to resent you? (Were their parents still married when you came into the picture?) Have they ever lived with you and/or have there ever been any major altercations? Are they in school full-time? Or are they 'quasi-adults'? And is the BioMom a reasonably rational person or a psycho?

"enabler".......that is what he is. They need to learn a few life lessons and as their parent it is HIS job to show them that they cannot be disrespectful to people and then expect things from those same people. I have a similar situation, but my husband will not enable them......his ex does (my 20 y/o SD). There will be no change in their behavior as long as he allows it to continue and doesn't hold them accountable. It WILL ruin your marriage and unless that is what he wants, he better wake up. No matter what their current situation, bottom line is that in our society if you spend your life walking all over people you will not get very far. He is not teaching them this lesson and is doing more harm. He needs to step up and parent them.......and I agree with jonesy -- you need to get him to realize that he truly stands to lose you if it keeps up (AND he needs to realize that he is not being a good parent by bailing them out and accepting this kind of behavior....he owes it to them to get them on the right track and that track now sounds like it has to be one of tough love......)

Good luck. If my husband and I were not aligned on how to handle his daughter.....it definitely would have broken up our relationship. It is very serious and your husband needs to understand that.

Sorry if this is a little harsh, but you need to take care of yourself -- hopefully with the love and support of your husband, but if not.....

Welcome to the site gladtobehere,

As a stepmom for the last 18 years and having suffered because of the lack of respect from my oldest stepdaughter, i completed and truly understand how you feel.

After many arguments, fights, crying, etc, etc, my husband never, never agreed with me that his daughter was unrespectful towards me and that he treated her like a baby even at 27 years old and that explains alot why today she is divorcec with two children, why she doesn't have a job, why she never finished high school, etc. etc. I always told hubby if you were more honest with her, she probably would me a lot happier today, more respectful of others and thus have a lot more friends in life. Whenever, i told hubby how disrespectful his daughter was towards me, he would always, always find an excuse for her and I was always the one who didn't know what right from wrong. Oh well, one day i had ENOUGH, especially after 18 yrs of this crap and a 1001 fights with hubby because of this one girl!

From experience, this is the best piece of advice i can offer you as a steparent : DISENGAGE. Disengage from his children and from everything and anything that has to do with him and his daughters! Don't do it with hate and anger. Do it for yourself. It doesn't mean you have to detest or hate his daughters - but just don't get involved with them or him and them! After all, it is with their father that they have to maintain a relationship. Not with you. You will go nuts if you don't disengage.

This is what i have been doing with my oldest stepdaughter since Easter. I don't get involved in her life, i don't ask hubby about her, etc. etc.. Well guess what.

For the first time in 18 years, I got a call from this stepdaughter on Mother's Day wishing me a happy mother's day!!!!!!!!!!!!Can you believe it! I thought : miracles do happen. What helped me alot was reading the book entitled

Dance of Anger! It was suggested on this web site and i borrowed the book from the library and believe me it is a great book to read for people like us who have had their hearts broken by people we love!

Keep posting.

Be good to yourself.

First to Sweeby, thanks for your questions. My husband his his ex-wife were divorced for approximately 4 years prior to my husband and I even knowing each other. My husband lived in the State where his ex and kids lived, until he lost his job, moved out of State and we met. So I didn't have any involvement with his ex at all, in fact, I've never met her or even talked on the phone with her. The girls lived with their mother, and were supposed to move with us, but once they got here it only lasted ONE MONTH because of the disrespect they not only showed me, but it was actually more shown towards my husband and he had it with them. (which is why I can't believe how much support and help he still gives them -- advice wise, not money wise, thank God). The girls are 20 years old, in college and have part time jobs. But they have been poisoned by their mother towards their father, which I know has a lot to do with their behavior, but after they left our house after a month, it was such a huge blow up with their father that they didn't speak for over a year. Stupid me -- I was the one who initiated contact with them to get them to talk to their father again. (One thing I should have left alone). They spoke with me for a while, and then all of a sudden before Mother's Day I didn't hear from them anymore. Their biological mother, by the way, also re-married (they bad mouth their step-dad, their father, me and their mother), to anyone who will listen. Very immature girls. Their bio mother finally had it with them and told them to move out (good for her). However, my husband still babies them and I just don't know how to handle that.

To fleurs gardener: Thank you so much for your input. It sounds like we have a lot of the same situation going on. I finally (only going on two days now and already I don't think my husband knows what to do), have DISENGAGED myself from anything having to do with my husband's daughters. The only thing I have told HIM is that he knows how it hurts me, and if that's the way it is and his kids don't come around to me on their own (the way your's did to you), they are not welcome in our house. My husband can vacation alone with them (he just went for a visit a month ago), but if they are allowed to disrespect or ignore me, they are not staying at our house. He agreed, believe it or not, but I think it's only because he figures soon enough they will turn themselves around. In the meantime, it's been a horrendous experience and I often wonder what I got myself into. Every morning I have to wake up and tell myself, "don't ask anything about them", over and over again. (It's very hard for me because I am a very nosy person). Thanks for your input.

any more advice?

Hi Glad, and welcome!

So, I've read your postings, and it sounds to me like he's in contact with his daughters, and speaking with them, and giving them advice...basically being there for them emotionally.
Can you tell me what it is about that specifically that bothers you, and what you'd like to see happen?

They aren't living with you, and they aren't taking anything from you financially, and he's basically being a Dad, and communicating with his kids. Of course, it's not nice that they are disrespectful of you, but that seems to be a theme for them, and they are not actually singling you out. Not an excuse for it, but at least it's not a situation of them resenting you. It's more a problem they have with everyone.
I guess I'm not clear on why it's bothering you that he's in contact with his daughters. Disrespect aside, he's not giving them financial support for drug habits, or babying them, but emotionally supporting his young adult daughters. They're 20, so they are college age, and they are probably in need of some emotional guidance still. Maybe it will give him the opportunity to help them have more respect for their parents and step-parents.
Let me know what you think.

glad2behere,

I am so proud of you. You see, you are able to disengage. I know its hard cuz i am also a very ''nosy'' person, but is it really being nosy or is it just normal that we as ''a wife'', stepmom, or whatever, want to know what is happening in those children lives!.

With experience, i have come to realize that whatever i need to know, i will know. My stepdaughter just separated from her husband a few months ago. She told everybody and and there dog that is was doing this, but she never told me! Hubby started telling me a little bit about it until the day I told him i totally disagreed with his daughter's decision. He never wanted to hear my opinions about it, so we never talked about it again. Thank the Lord cuz i really want to know nothing about her cuz everything she does ...i disagree with. Of course, her father doesn't see it the same way as i and that's ok! Her grandmother however totally agrees with me! So you see. It seems like some father's just put up with stuff from their children out of '' guiltyness''. Well, i have come to the conclusion that that is my dear husband's (DH) problem!

I also have stopped going on holidays with this stepdaughter. She used to come to our cottage with her hubby and two kids and spend two weeks during the summer. At first I would stay with them and help hubby out! After two summers of this, I quit. I thought, why should i clean after her and her children and her husband and then they leave and they never say thank you to me! Never!

So about three years ago, i said, that's it! He can spend two weeks with them ALONE and pick up after them cuz she does not take care of her children. Whenever there is an adult around, this stepdaughter automatically thinks someone else is able to take care of her kids.

Well, I almost fell off my chair a couple of weeks ago when i heard the daughter say : oh by the way DAd, when are we going to the cottage for holidays this year?

He replied : Uh,,,,,i really don't know. I don't really have a lot of holidays this year and plus at work they will not let us take two weeks off in a row and if i take a week off this year.... i have a whole bunch of stuff i really, really have to take care of up at the lake!!!!

I thought this was a polite way of him to tell his daughter ...i don't think we'll be having holidays together this year!...( i know what he was telling his daughter was not completely, entirely true! There are things to do at the lake but really .......not that much! I think he just wants time alone to relax and not have to take care of her, her kids, the cottage, etc. etc.)!

I haven't had a holiday with hubby in years because of his daughter always wanting to be with him during his holidays.

This year, i think we will have a week togther. I am super looking forward to it, but first, i will make sure, he knows it don't want his daughter and her kids there while we are on holidays.

This stepdaughter does not work and spends all day watching tv or playing on the computer. Who do you think needs more of a holiday. Her father and i who work full time or her!

Keep posting good2behere and please try to get the book Dance of Anger.

Thanks to all -- I've had to change my subject posting because everytime I try to respond to anybody it take a good three or four times because my messages keep getting rejected. Do anybody know why? if this goes through I'll keep responding.

jessegirl,

thanks for your thoughts. I think I may just be the jealous, insecure wife type. I guess because I feel that I've done so much for them, getting them reunited with their dad, taking my time (not their dad's) to get them set up in school here (which didn't last anyway), etc., that they could at least extend some courtesy to me. Maybe that's just asking too much from two 20 year old step-daughters?? How long does it take 20 year olds to mature? I forget :) My 15 year old is more mature than these two. I guess I'm just feeling left out and sorry for myself, but I do agree with jerseystepmom above that he is definitely an "enabler."

Well, insecurities may be playing into this on some level, but I'm sure it's not all of it. I'm interested to know how he's enabling them. It sounds like you have given them the space with their Dad that they would need, so that's awesome. I just wonder how you would like to see things be? Then you can work on how to get it there. Also, if you think that you are having issues around insecurity, then you may have to ask yourself why? What is it that is making you feel that way?
Once you can identify that, it may help you feel better about things, or help you figure out what you want.

Welcome. Like you, I'm rather new here.

I think I know where you're coming from. I have issues w/ my husband and the way he completely babies his grown kids. The son finally has ticked him off beyond belief (a disappearing act for 2 years then a text message to Dad when we finally repo'd the car we pay for to ourselves!) but the girls are completely rather unable to make any normal decisions on their own, etc.

The older girl lives w/ us (lots of drama, see my April posts if you want to cry!) and hands over every bill to my husband, despite our recent financial woes. We are both dentists, but a fire and a crooked contractor have left us broke til ins. pays.

Anyway, I think you ought to drag your DH to counseling. My DH and I just had our 2nd session and while I'm annoyed that we're dishing out MORE money so he can hear that he needs to consult w/ me before lavishing the adult kids w/ cars, cell phones, and the like from someone besides me!

I am VERY close to my parents who are 10 years older than my husband (he's 19yr. older than me - kids are 22, 24, 26 and we have 3 sons: 3, almost 5, 7) and talk w/ my mother every day. It's just a little different w/ my steps and their dad. He does EVERYTHING for them. I've exploded telling him that he's setting them up for failure in life, future relationships, etc. I mean, no man is going to cater to these girls the way my husband does! And, they'll never establish credit since he foots the bills and it's all in his name, which is ironic, since his credit was supposedly so bad that our house, business, and cars are in MY name. Sounds great, but it's too much to shoulder for me and I feel so anxious and overextended. I asked him to NOT buy the kids' cars after his son's stunt, but he continues acting like a millionaire to them.

Anyway, be glad it isn't $, too, that's being forked over. On the one hand, it's nice that the girls are so close to their father, but it's a little bit of a shame that he's creating invalids out of perfectly able-bodied adults. He's doing them no service. If they figure out things for themselves, they'll be more confident adults.

As for the disrespect, I had that too. It's better now, though my SKids were selectively disrespectful in that they knew right from wrong (sounds like yours are just disrespectful in all ways) and could be very nice (manipulative) when they needed to be...

Disengage for the talks, take DH to a therapist who may be able to get through to him that he's enabling them, not helping by solving everything. Kids to gain life experiences. Unless it's something serious, he needs to cut the apron strings a bit...

Dana

Jessegirl,

I guess the way I would like things to be is one big happy family, and I have to get myself to realize that that is not going to happen in this (and probably 80% of step-family situations) family. I know that if I emailed each of the girls just to "chit chat", they would respond to me. But I'm tired of making the first effort all the time. I guess I'm torn between wanting to either be involved in their lives and accepting the fact that if that is the case, I will be the one doing most of the contacting, etc., or do I just pull away and "disengage" as I've been trying to do? I think my insecurities come from my first marriage, being cheated on constantly, and finally leaving after seven years of marriage with my seven month old daughter, and her dad has never been a part of her life (at least not enough to speak of). I'm grateful to my H that he does not give his children money, and I know deep down that I do not want to be responsible for him losing contact with his kids again because of me. So do I just suck it up, get involved where he wants me to and go ahead and make contact with them? Or do I just let things go, disengage and if they come around they come around and if not, that's the way it will be. The problem I'm having now is that by "disengaging" myself, I feel as if my husband and I are living separate lives almost because other than work, how was your day, etc., we can't talk about the kids because it only causes problems. Maybe I'm the one who needs to "mature" and grow up? I guess my insecurities from my prior marriage and being left raising a seven month old by myself is the basis for all of this. I guess I just expected what is not normal in a step-family, and that is to be happy and loving to everybody.

So you have a real lot going on. Not just in your family, but in your own personal life.
As far as making the first move with communication with your step daughters, that's not so uncommon. My father and brother had not spoken in a year. Not becuase of a fight, but because my father did not pick up the phone to call him. Now, my brother didn't either, but he's never been one to do that anyway. So, knowing that, I told my father that if he wanted a relationship, he'd have to make the effort. He's the father. I'm sure that from his point of view, my brother should have picked up the phone, and I understand that, but a year went by, and it didn't happen. My brother did email him, but his wife deleted the emails. Actually, my fathers wife actually fed this problem, but telling my father that he should be mad, that my brother should call him, etc. I spoke with them, and told that the phone works both ways. Sometimes as a parent, you have to be the bigger person. I know it's long winded, but you get what I'm saying. Like any other relationship, you may have to give to them (calling, emailing) more than you get. That would be a good first step.
Disengaging on certain things is fine, but overall, it can leave a hole in your relationship with your DH and his children. His children are a huge part of his life. To have that open hole will create issues.
To answer your question: So do I just suck it up, get involved where he wants me to and go ahead and make contact with them?
The answer is yes. (in my opinion) I think you have nothing to lose here. They are not drug abusers or addicts, they are just self centered children who have some growing up to do. If you play on their team, and with their Dad, you can have that family that you want. It will take some time, but since they are just really immature and sound as though they are rude, that can change over time.
You also wrote:
I guess my insecurities from my prior marriage and being left raising a seven month old by myself is the basis for all of this.

I'm not sure how it ties in. Are you afraid that you will lose your DH to his children? If you think that ties in, then I would suggest you keep that in the front of your mind when you are having a moment of insecurity. His daughters are not a threat to you at all. You are his wife, and they are his children. Keep reminding yourself of that. This is something that you will have to work on yourself. If you don't, his children will pick up on that, and resent you. It will become a tug of war between you and his girls, and that's not a fair fight. They need their Dad in their life, and over time, if you can foster that relationship, you will all be much happier.
I can tell you first hand that if you show hostility or insecurity toward his girls, they will feel it, and end up resenting you. I went through that with my own father and his wife. His wife just doesn't want any of his children around. It makes her feel threatened for some reason. In the end, it really hurt the relationship with my father and I, and caused a lot of pain. That is something that I'll never get back.
Have you ever heard the phrase "fake it til you make it"?
That's a good place to start.
If you can put it into words, I'd be curious to know what it is about his relationship with his daughters makes you feel insecure. I think that may be the key to you having more harmony in your life.

jessegirl,

Thanks for all the advice. It's nice talking to someone who was basically on the other end (you having a step-mom who probably acts like me!!) Anyway, I can't quite put a finger on what it is that makes me insecure about their relationship other than maybe it is that I will lose him to his kids. Or the other thing is that I'm afraid the one daughter who doesn't like my daughter and is very jealous and resentful towards her, will end up moving back in with us because she just doesn't have a goal right now. She wants to drop out of college, etc. She's the one who needs the most guidance yet she's the one I'm most resentful of for some reason. I feel like a horrible person, step-mother, wife, etc., and I'm really getting down on myself. My "disengaging" technique is definitely causing a hole in my marriage. I feel as if my husband and I are leading separate lives with nothing to talk about anymore except work (since his kids took up a huge amount of every-day discussions on how to handle what the problems are, etc.) I've made the first move so many times just to get hurt (and maybe I'm being overly dramatic) by them, I'm just not sure what to do.

You're welcome, and I don't want you to feel as though you are a bad person, becuase you are not. You are being so open and honest and I am very respectful of that. Also the fact that you are voicing your feelings and being so honest about it, shows that you want to move past this problem that you're having.
I have been on both ends with having a step mother, but I am also a step mother to 2 boys. They are both teenagers. I am very fortunate as they are both very good to me. On the rare occasion they act up, my DH is all over them. There is no room for disrespect in our home. So, I sympathize with you in that disrespect has been all over the place with your SD's. So, I can only imagine how hard that is.
My constant reminder is "How do I want to be treated by my fathers wife?"
Taking interest in his children will bring him closer to you, and keep communication open. His reltionship with you is separate from his relationship with his children, and it poses no threat to you.
I also understand your fears of his daughter moving in with you and upsetting the apple cart. That would be very hard I'm sure. You should discuss this with him, and understand his expectations, and voice your concerns.
Also, if his children are being disrespectful to you, it is his job to gain control of that. I'm not suggesting that you tell him to take a hike, but make it clear that expect that his children to speak to you and treat you with respect. Nothing less is acceptable, and that he needs to make that happen. Put it on him to have that conversation with his children. It's not your place to demand respect from them, it is his to ensure it.
I hope that it's somewhat helpful. :)