Mommy, my understanding is this is what you want help with: 1. Do you "parent" these children because BF wants you involved 2. Do you leave the "parenting" up to him I say, BF wants you involved, that's great. Hopefully you have a strong commitment to one another so that he doesn't bring too many people into the lives of these children and then give them authority over the kids. That would be harmful to the children, IMO. So, he wants you involved. What that means to me is he makes the rules, you both enforce them. HOUSE RULES say: 1. No hitting, pushing, spitting, abusing one another (etc) 2. Failure to abide by these HOUSE RULES will have these results ____________________ (to be determined by you and BF, or BF, and clearly outlined BY BF to the children and then ENFORCED) Stepping completely out of the parenting picture doesn't work because you a parent "in situ". Taking the lead in punishment doesn't work because he should be the primary authoritarian. Being a team, and not showing the whites of your eyes is the only solution, IMO. These kids need to know you will NOT leave them, even if they are at their worst behavior. They've already been left once. They want to know where they stand, and if they are safe. My hunch is that they don't dislike you, it's that they are mistrustful of adults and don't think you'll stick around/want to have you prove you love/care for them. Best wishes, Silver

"but verbally I am finding he can be mean and yells at them unnecessarily" Remember this. He can be mean, and he yells at people he loves. With you, he may still be on his 'good behavior' -- but you can be sure he will revert to THIS behavior with you if you stay with him long enough. "So my question is, would I be wrong in speaking to him about this?" Wrong? No - But I'd suspect it would be pretty pointless if affecting a change is what you're after, and you'd be likely to get a pretty nasty response for your trouble. Might be worth a try, just to see if he's capable of recognizing the error of his ways. "I am starting to lose respect for him the more I see him overreact and I would hate to walk away from a great relationship because of that. " The first part of this sentence is so clear -- but the second part sucks! If he's verbally mean, the relationship is unlikely to stay 'great'. He's showing you a very valid reason for walking away. "One more thought about BF... his childhood was kinda lousy, mom died young, has an unemotional father and had to grow up fast having a kid when he was 18 in high school (among many other things)." I get it -- It's not his fault... Actually, my Ex had an almost identical back-story, and I cut him a lot of slack for that reason. But at the end of the day, the *reasons* for Ex's jerk-hood don't matter -- it's the unchanging, continued existence of the abusive behavior that's the problem. My current (wonderful) husband didn't have a decent father either -- but instead of repeating his own father's bad behavior, he set a higher standard for himself -- an idealized one, but one he constantly strives for. You've seen a *very valuable* glimpse into your BF's character. Please DON'T rationalize it away or excuse it into insignificance. If your goal is to 'get This Guy to marry you' -- then fine -- leave it alone. (Repent at leisure...) But if your goal is to someday enjoy a happy and loving marriage to a wonderful guy, then *remember* what you've seen, make a mental note that This Guy has 'Strike One' against being that Mr Wonderful, suggest a need for a change, and watch carefully for signs of *real* change before moving forward with this relationship.

My Dad was an abusive alcoholic. Not to put too fine a point on it, it was a tremendous relief when my parents divorced when I was 13 and he left. I had no contact from him after that, not that I was bothered. Then, when I was 16, I had finished school and was spending a year travelling. Since I would be passing through the city in which my Dad and his new wife lived, my mother insisted I should at least visit him for an hour or two between landing on the plane from home and boarding the ship for overseas. I didn't particularly want to but my mother was a hard person to argue with. So, he and his new wife picked me up from the airport and took me to their apartment for afternoon tea. It was awkward. I was too young to really ask the right questions. Like, why did you hit me? That said, he was so locked into lying about everything I doubt I would have got a truthful answer. New wife had some adult children from a previous relationship who were older than me, who apparently would like to have met me but were unavailable. So I had to speak with them on the telephone, again an experience I wasn't all that keen to have. They chastised me for being an ungrateful daughter: according to my Dad he had been sending me birthday and Christmas cards and gifts, money, the whole works, and not once had ungrateful me replied or sent thanks. This was more fantasy on Dad's part: I never received anything and have no reason to think that my scrupulously honest mother would have prevented me receiving anything that had been sent. I disabused them of the fantasy. Eventually our awkward afternoon tea drew to a close and they took me to my ship and I left and never saw him again. When he died some years later I reacted to the news with total indifference- he was out of my system. I think this was due to my mother insisting on our final meeting, I got to see him with more mature eyes and process my feelings about him. So, I think you might consider at least one meeting with your father.Ask him any questions that have always niggled (and there are always niggly questions after the end of any relationship). If you suspect he is being fast and loose with the truth, let him know you're not interested in hearing BS. But I do think you'd benefit from hearing him out, even if you decide afterwards never to see him again. At least then you won't have any "what ifs" that can never be resolved after his death, wondering how things might have gone if......they are the hardest things to deal with after a person dies because then there is no hope of there ever being a resolution.

I'm with pllog. I may not have bad allergy attacks most of the time, but cats love me and make a beeline for me when I go into a house. As a real estate agent, I try to be very careful to not insult the homeowner, but if they touch any exposed skin of mine, I have an instant rash. I make a joke about not being able to touch the cat while talking to the cat and most h.o.s get the hint and pick them up and often move them elsewhere. If a house has multiple cats or is not very clean, I will sniffle all day and feel lousy. Most of the time, I am not there long enough to have a really bad reaction. I only had my throat start to close up twice in my life. Running outside and gulping air fixed it. I can care about a friend and not want allergy problems or, quite frankly, to care about their cat. You can love whomever you want, but sometimes it is not proper to foist them on others. I adore our sons but it is not always proper to mix them with company. The same is true of pets. A quick hello is plenty. If I had worse allergies, then that would even be too much. Having a non allergy aversion is also acceptable. It is nothing personal about your pet, but some people have a fear of dogs and that does not make them bad people. I was bit by a chihuahua years ago and am still leery around them despite not having much fear of larger more imposing dogs. I have some allergies with certain breeds of dogs, but will still choose to pet them and suffer a small reaction. The key is it is my choice as to which pet I will touch or not. My allergy to dogs is less than to cats, but I also like dogs more. Not liking cats is a personal choice and does not preclude me being a good friend or guest. If that means someone thinks I am not worthy because I don't like their "Fluffy", then it is their loss. The funny part is I am usually the most attractive human in the room to cats. I can walk in with several cat lovers and the cats want nothing to do with them, but love me. They must love "hard to get" people.