My husband hates my kids...should I leave him

uceve

My husband hates my kids, and they hate him back, which makes for a miserable home life. They do not speak to each other or have any interaction with each other. Because of the lack of communication in the home it is a very tense environment. A few years ago my husband called my daughter a very bad curse word (female dog), and she has never forgave him. Last year my oldest son graduated from high school, and was starting a community college in the fall, my husband wanted him out of the house immediately, without a care as to where he would live. As far as he was concerned he is grown and is it is time to go. My youngest son is very involved in sports and plays for an elite basketball team, which requires a lot of travel, time and money. Many games are held on Sundays and out of town. My husband has said that I must attend church on Sundays and that he will have to go with another parent or the coach. Because of all of the tension between my husband and children I am very unhappy. My children also tell my family what a horrible step father he is and so my family is mad at me and they say I am putting my husband before my children and that I should leave him. Please help, I am desperate for any advice on this mess.

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sweeby

You haven't given any information that supports staying, and haven't painted a pretty picture of your husband or your marriage.

Why should you stay?

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colleenoz

My thoughts entirely. Why are you staying with this controlling a-----e? No one is happy, and I suspect that if your children were all out of the picture things would only get worse as you would then no longer have ANY support in your own home.

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carol_in_california

Life is too short not to be happy.....even a little bit happy.
Sounds like something needs to change at your house.

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finedreams

this post doesn't sound for real to me. doesn't make any sense.

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mariealways

You shouldn't even need to ask. Parents, put your kids first. Please. It really is that simple.

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wrychoice1

My husband hates my kids...should I leave him?

In a word, yes.

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mom2emall

Well if you stay you will continue to be treated like sh** and controlled. You won't be allowed to see your son's sporting events. And you will have to watch each of your children being thrown out on their butts at 18. But up until they are thrown out they will be made miserable on a daily basis.

Sound fun? If so then by all means stay put!

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stargazzer

One question: How can you stay with him when you know he hates your kids? No make that 2 questions, why do you hesitate?

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kkny

Of course you should leave this guy. The good news is it sounds like you have family to help you transition. Yes leaving a marriage is scary, but one day at a time. This is worse than spousal abuse, this is abuse of children. And you know it.

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uceve

I would like to thank everyone for the feedback. kkny is absolutely correct, I am scared of starting over again, as this is my 2nd marriage. I did leave him for about 3 months last year, he promised he make some changes and that if I moved back home we would go to marriage counseling. He refused to go to counseling unless I came back home. And, at first it seemed to be getting better, but then things started to take a turn for the worst again. He started complaining that I am always running my kids around, going to ball games, and not paying him enough attention. The change that would be most significant to me is to interact with kids, like going to the ball games with me, asking them how they are doing in school, and just being a positive male figure in their lives. I know they are not his biological children so he may never have strong connection with them, but to just have love and compasssion for them as you would for any other human being. Because it is so ironic, how outgoing he is at church and his work. He calls the elderly to check on them, prays with the pastor, laughs and talks with other members. I see that side of him and I think that's a really nice guy. But when we get home, he sits in his recliner in the family room and never talks to anyone else in the house except for me. The church frowns on divorce. But, I see no other alternative out of this situation. I have made a final decision, I am leaving. Thanks everyone for your advice it was very helpful to get the input of others. Sometimes when you are in the middle of a mess you cannot see clearly. Thanks again.

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sylviatexas1

"He refused to go to counseling unless I came back home. And, at first it seemed to be getting better, but then things started to take a turn for the worst again."

That's the way these guys maintain control;;
once you've "come home", they don't *have* to do anything differnt, & every time you leave & come back, your support group, family, friends, etc, gets mroe discouraged & less apt to help you the next time it happens.

& they're Jekyll & Hydes;
the "outside" community, church, co-workers, neighbors, etc, always see them as charming, compassionate, etc, & their victims are the only ones who see the "Mr Hyde" personality.

They're so convincing that, if the victims complain or reach out for help, they often aren't believed.

Often they have trouble believing themselves, as you said when you wrote "I see that side of him and I think that's a really nice guy".

Keep it constantly in your mind that the "side" of him that's so appealing is *not real*.

It's a mask, a facade, a con.

It's the camouflage he uses to catch prey.

You're doing the exactly right thing.

Stay strong, stay firm in your resolution, protect yourself & take care of your kids, & if church members or anybody else try to take up for him, say, firmly, "He's a Jekyll & Hyde" & change the subject.

They can't believe you, & you'll weara yourself out trying to make them believe you.

I wish you the best.

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shadowintheeast

I'm in a similar situation here. I need help.

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colleenoz

If your situation is the same, the advice would be the same, hon. Make an exit plan, use it. Sooner rather than later. You won't look back and say, Gee, I wish I'd stayed and been miserable for longer.
Do you have family or friends you could go to as a temporary measure while you get resettled?


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Naike Lan

I'm in the same situation my son is now 14, my partner of 5 years used to love my son, playing with him and so on, but lately he is saying my son is spoiled (my fault) and my son is not listening to us and he can't live in the same house with him anymore, so he asked me to send my son to live with his father or he will leave us..

The situation in the house is unbearable, my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him.

I have no support my parents died years ago, I don't have a lot of friends either to ask for help..

I don't want to choose between him and my son, I love them both but it hurts me the way he treats my son, even if it is true my son in the last few years has become selfish and arrogant..

What shall I do? Help please

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colleenoz

Well if you agree that your son has become selfish and arrogant, you need to work on that. Loving a child doesn't mean letting them grow up to be jerks, it means teaching them to be successful adults, even if that means having to be the bad guy sometimes. You don't need to be your son's friend because he has plenty of those. But he only has one Mom; your job is to mentor him.


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sylviatexas2
'my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him.'

I never lived with teens as an adult, but from what I've read here, it ain't always pretty.

so my thought is that you can expect attitude & brattiness from a teen.

However, no reasonable person needs to take attitude & brattiness from a partner which is what
"my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him" is.

Another thing that adolescents & children do is issue ultimatums, which a sane adult person will do *only if he's very sure that the threat will work*.

"send my son to live with his father *or he will leave us.* emphasis mine.

In any situation in which any human on the planet is being vindictive, hateful, or mean to your child, or is bullying or threatening your child, it's up to you to protect your child;

If that means that you'll no longer have this gem of a guy in your household, so be it.

If you can't bear to part with him, by all means knuckle under & send your son to his father (assuming his father is a decent human being who will take care of his son & protect him).

Then your husband will know he's in complete control, & your son will know where he rates in your life & in your heart.

I wish you the best.
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colleenoz

Sylvia, I think you're wrong on this one. Naike Lan herself says " even if it is true my son in the last few years has become selfish and arrogant.." Perhaps the husband leaves the room as a way of avoiding open conflict. Men often prefer to avoid issues rather than deal with them. And it may be that he can't think of any way the issue will be resolved other than one or the other of himself and the son not be there. For all we know he may have asked Naike Lan to rein in her son's developing "selfish and arrogant" attitude with no result. So I think you are jumping the gun to rush in and demonise the stepdad: he may just be a good man who doesn't know how to deal with a bratty teen who isn't his to discipline and doesn't want to end up in a yelling match in his own home.


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sylviatexas2
He threatened to leave unless his wife sends her son away.
"Selfish & arrogant" sounds like more than one person in this family.
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colleenoz

As I said, he's a guy who can't think of any other solution than for either him or the son to be out of the situation. How do we know his words were along the lines of, "I can't take this any more. Either you will have to send Jimmy to live with his Dad or I will move out because I can't live in the same house with Jimmy. It's too hard to have to be continually biting my tongue to avoid having a big argument which has no result other than anger on both sides."

Face it, if it was a woman posting who said she was walking on eggshells to avoid a fight with her steps, you'd be telling her that the father of the children should be stepping up to tell them to behave, or she should leave.


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sylviatexas2
yes, I would.

but if a father posted as you said & described his wife's behavior as "she can't live in the same house with him anymore, so she asked me to send my son to live with his father or she will leave us" or "my partner goes out of the room as soon as my son comes in and refuses to talk to him",
I'd say let her go.

The wording doesn't sound like husband is walking on eggshells...

I do know you're right about spoiled teen boys, though.
I was married to one once, although he was in his twenties at the time, & he never did grow out of adolescence.
He was still a spoiled, entitled mama's boy when I finally threw in the towel 6 years later!

If I misread, I apologize.

OP, maybe the best thing to do would be to get an objective outside view from someone in real life, maybe even the dreaded word "counsellor".

Be careful who you pick;
there are some power-mad jerks & passive-aggressive creeps in the counselling world.

You need someone with successful experience with teens & blended families.

I wish you the best.
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Pam Hardin

GET OUT NOW.

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bethanylsorenson

My husband and daughter DO NOT get along. My boys adore him. I'm stuck in what I believe is an abusive relationship. I basically have a roommate. He's great with our sons and can be sweet but when he turns it's a screaming match from hell followed by acting like nothing happened. I have no family and no friends to help out even though I think leaving is the right thing to do, it also seems impossible. My mind was changed last year when our daughter almost died and she and I were airlifted six hours from home. Instead of him being right behind us in a vehicle, he went home and went to sleep. I can't get past this. I also can't wrap my head around destroying the boy's life by leaving. I have MAYBE $10 in my bank account and no place to go. I don't know how to figure this mess out and I'm a smart girl!! Help.

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Naomi G.

I have been with my husband for past 6 years. At that time my kids were all under the age of 18. Now two of them 19 and 23 and he wants them to move out. The housing market is ridiculous and refuse to throw them out on the streets. They both work full time and I can admit that they can help out a little more but he complains for just about anything in the house, from them not cleaning everyday, or being woken up (hes such a light sleeper). He grounds my 11 years old for anything he does wrong. but he doesn't try to bond with him as a step father should. He complains so much and now has threaten to move out. He says i choose my adult kids over my marriage which i dont feel is true. I love him and care very much but its now obvious that he hates them and he just wants them to go. Im basically in the middle and although now they help out more and even try to be gone, he will still complain about them. My eldest has been trying to find a place to live and she is aware that my marriage is getting worse so she feels bad. But now there is so much animosity in the home that I just dont know what to do now. We have had such a rocky marriage as he hates for me to see my friends, he is not family oriented and I am; and not to mention, he also cheated with someone else for a very long time. This was 2 years ago and as i regret, I took him back. We are both now in our 40s and not sure if starting over is the right thing to do.

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sylviatexas1

Bethany, not only are you in abusive relationship, but so are your children, all of them.

Get an attorney & find out what options you can exercise;

you may be entitled to spousal support, & you may be able to get help with support for the children, but you need to get your children away from that...person.

Naomi, just read your own words; the answer is right there.

Husband threatens, demands, punishes, accuses, hates your children, hates for you to see your friends, cheated on you.

Threats,, demands, punishment, accusations (putting you on the defensive), hating the people in your life, wanting you to have no one but him are all abuser behaviors, & abusers sometimes use cheating to make their victim feel inadequate ("it's all your fault-if you were a better wife, if you didn't drive me to do these things", etc).

You can start over or you can spend the rest of your life with this guy.

& it'll escalate.

What do you think your life will be like when your children aren't there to buffer his behavior & deflect his rage, & all your friends & family have been banished or have given up & moved on?

Forties isn't old at all; you still have time for a career before retirement age, even if you start from scratch.

See an attorney & take care of yourself.

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robin mottl

NaomiG,

I would do exactly what sylviatexas1 said. I too have been dealing with my husband on this issue for 17yrs., I'm now in my 50's but, I'm not afraid to end my marriage. This is my 3rd. My son is 29 went through cancer living on his own since 18. He has been with us 6 months. He is working pays his own health insurance. No, we do not ask him for any money. He does not make that much and he was not eating when he was on his own cause he could not afford rent utilities. He was basically wasting away. So, all his friends suggested he live with his family. Trust me, he did not want to burden us at all and give up his independence. He's a great cook and has cooked for us, does what ever we ask. But, somehow his stepfather has to find fault in what ever he does. We've been together 17 and married 6. I have been through the death of his son 10 yrs., ago. But, even before then he had issues with my children. I have a daughter as well. She graduated college but became pregnant her last semester. She and the father came to live with us so we could help financially and with the baby. It was very difficult for baby daddy cause he had been on his own since 17. He is 6 yrs., older as well. It was quite rocky going with the baby daddy. After a couple months it got better but, my husband started being an ass trying to control everything which I put a halt to. They ended up moving down to where my son lives to help him. I think my husband is so angry with death of his son, he hates any young man except his own family. He was always jealous of my son cause he did so well in school and had a lot of friends. Even now, my son has made a ton of new friends and I really feel my husband is jealous. He finds fault in every friend he has met and is so cold shouldered to my son and his friends. I told him we are done. See, you can do it. Your kids are much more important than he will EVER be. Yes, it may be a struggle but, you have a right to be happy. Good luck!

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sushipup1

Why exactly do you "love" this jerk? Leave him. Your friends and family have already told you that, how many more people do you need to say the same thing before you take action?

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Maria Isabel Barrera-Shorty

Iam going though the same thing. He complains about everything my daughters do. My 2 daughters 20 and 30 and my 7 Grandbaby. He does not talk to them for days. Every night when we go to bed he starts to bitch about them from they eat all the food, they r lazy and wht doesn’t my oldest get child support I tell him that is her business not ours. Well a couple week ago he told them to start paying rent 300.00 a each. They only make 9.00 my 20 pays To own car payment insurance and credit cards, my 30 old pays her bills and the day care bill of 400 a month. I told him they can’t afford that he don’t care and if they don’t like it they move out. He get mad if I buy anything for them. He says u always get defensive I tell I don’t I just don’t know why u treat them like that. They don’t disrespect you. In the other hand they stay in there rooms to not bother you. If they come to talk to me he starts asking wht do they want. He like making fun of my granddaughter( calling a cry baby) and my 20 (making fun of her weight)I tell him to stop and plays it off like I am kidding. Well two weeks ago my daughter told me she can afford the 300 she said I can afford 150. I thought buy telling her to go speak to her step dad he would listen and respect that she came to him and. It to me. I was listening to her explain the situation well he said that’s not my problem and just kept repeating it. Well she started crying and she told him. Why do u treat us like dirt. W you hve never like us and I hate the way u treat mom. Yes she did get load then I stepped in. He lost it and told to pack her stuff and get out. Then told me it’s them or me in front of her. She apologized to me saying she does not what to ruin my marriage. Well my girls r moving out at the end of the month but that is still not good enough. Now he is saying I don’t want them to come over. I was really. Now my son came to visit and he is telling me he is not staying here. I told him he is staying this week to help her sister with daycare. He was who gave him permission I was what. It turn into a huge fight. He said they do what ever they want to do. Mind me he has not spoken one work to him cause he is still mad at my youngest for the fight they had. He told if u don’t tell him to leave buy Sunday Iam going to. I was wtf. Those r my kids and this is my house. He said again Iam tried we should separate i was like look if that’s why u want go ahead. I know u hate my kids. He stayed quite and goes into the room and sulks. Iam i wrong for defending my kids. They have never disrespected him. Iam so over this fight with him.

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colleenoz

Your post is very hard to understand but it really sounds like you would be better off without this jerk. In fact, it sounds like you should have left him a long time ago. He won't get any better.

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Sundi Powell

Leave him, you will never get hose moments back with your children and he will never change

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jewelisfabulous

Sundi -- This thread is 11 years old. Whatever was going on in 2009 is very likely done with now.

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