Tammy's answer notwithstanding, it is true that once you have children, THEY are your primary responsibility and job for the next 18-20 year. Yes, some people do get remarried, and have successful blended families, BUT you've had ample warning that this woman is NOT going to be a good person to have you your son's orbit. As a responsible parent, you have NO busines, NO right exposing your precious child to someone who isn't going to be a positive influence on him. I'm sorry to say, for the next 2 decades, you are going to have to put HIS well-being ahead of your own interests. That's what good parents do--whether they're a solid married couple or single parents. Before you date, or bring someone into your life, you need to think long and hard about how they will impact upon your child. This relationship isn't one that's going to be healthy for your son--you have to end it for that reason. That's the bottom line. Know that's probably not what you wanted to hear, but it's what any truly good parent will tell you.

I don't think any person can be a complete person if they don't follow their dreams. Too often the presence of a child in one's life overshadows the adult to the point of loosing one's self. Follow your dreams. If you are smart and caring enough to be a police officer then you should be smart and caring enough to step your son through his fears. After all as a police officer you are going to be doing that for someone ele's six year olds who are dealing with irresponsible adults in their lives. My aunt has been a police officer on the night shift for over 20 years. She has two children (boy 18, and girl 14). My uncle(her husband) has been a plice officer for over 30 years on the day shift.

Jujube, you are absolutely right, you are entitled to your feelings. Criticizing you for them and telling you to feel different is no help at all. If you don't like being a parent to someone else's child, then you don't, and you are entitled to feel that way. It's certainly not for everyone. BUT. The child is also entitled to something. And that is to live with adults who will care for and protect him, and, if they can't quite love him, at least try to like the child the best they can, not see him as nothing more than a "burden." You wrote, "Choices were made either by ourselves or others that put us in this situation and I am aware that no one is completely blameless." If it's true of anyone that "choices were made" (and do note the passive voice) by others that affect them, it's certainly true of the children. They didn't choose to be born, they didn't choose for their parents to split up, they didn't choose for their parents to remarry. The adults in the story are the ones who have to make the adjustments and compromises, not just because they made the choices, but because they are the adults. Fair or not, that's it; children can't be expected to sacrifice their childhoods for a parent's or an unrelated adult's expectations of romance and marriage. And your husband is entitled to something, too. You may not have a mother's duty toward your son, but you have a wife's duty to your husband. His duty to his son is non-negotiable. How do you support him in fulfilling that duty and feeling good about it? I know it isn't easy. But look at it from his point of view. What is it like for him to feel like he is always trading off his wife's and his son's interests in a zero-sum game? You write that you love this "wonderfully amazing man." Try to let that love guide you in this situation and think of what he needs from you; don't make him choose between his son and his wife. Thus, the solution to the dilemma is NOT for the child to go away or be rejected or pushed away by his father. If you don't want to be involved with a man with children, then don't be; there is nothing wrong with that choice even though others choose differently. I won't blame you, the same as while I admire people who adopt children with serious handicaps, I don't blame those who decline to do so. But anyone who makes those difficult choices and accepts those challenges has to step up to the plate and do her best, not focus only or even primarily on her "entitlements." Good luck to you; I know it's really hard.

As harsh a reality as that is and it sometimes can be completely insane, Deborah is right about the "cub" thing. You better play it smart or else you will be kicked to the curb never the son. A son can be a spoilt, selfish, lazy and useless brat and the mother will still fend for the cub. He could even be a total pyscho and most mothers will fend very strongly. In this case he belongs to the former rather than the latter and this is the case most of the time. I have a step son who is 13 and I am sending him to live with his Grandparents. I had to play it very smart to get this to occur. The step son uses me and shows no respect he never has. The first time he ever met me when he was 10 years old he asked me for money. He hits his grandfather and shouts at him when his grandfather tries to assert himself. This boy has run the joint ever since he was born. If he did something wrong, grandma would give him some candy or some money. His mother is a single mother and the father abandoned her and the son and daughter who is a fantastic girl turning 14 this year. She works her ass off and I have nothing but respect for what she has done since I got involved in their lives. But the step-son is different and is actually undermining her development. This was especially so before I entered the picture when the daughter was a wreck always moaning and upset yet unable to verbalise her feelings. She was ignored while the step son who is useless in an economic sense continued to rule the roost. Despite these kind of factors mothers will do anything to fend for the cub. My way of getting him to the grandparents was to argue that they give him what he wants, and that the cost of me disciplining him at this late stage is just to great. The house would be a warzone, a pitched battle between me and the step son to get him to take responsibility and to demonstrate respect for the fact that I dragged him and his entire family out of borderline poverty. He does not give a shit that I did that because he is no longer in control. When his family was poor they still spoilt him. They are still poor now mind you but they will never fall below the poverty line; i am their security guarantee. A 13 year old boy is old enough to understand this in theory. Especially the MASSIVE change in living standards. They lived in a 'house' the size of a small bathroom with 6 people and rats running around it. I pulled them out and all i get is used by the step son who actually prefers the old life because he was the boss and did whatever he wants. When I tried to control him it became war and instead of continuing it I said to his mother, you know what, he now knows that he can not beat his elderly grandfather and shout at him (because I grabbed him by the throat when he did it). With that control mechanism in place, he knows that if he does it again I will take it further because that is just beyond the pale, beating or hitting and screaming at your grandfather who loves you and kept you alive slaving in a factory for 60 hours a week for a paltry 25 dollars for the entire week...So with that being said, I argued that he should go to the grandparents for now, they love him and will spoil him gladly and he will be very happy as he can do whatever he wants. Me on the other hand, I want to vomit when I see it and refuse to do it. The cost of trying to get him to play ball in society is not worth the result because he is not my son. But my argument to the mother was not that, because I would have triggered the 'cub defence mechanism' that is inbuilt in all mothers. My argument was simple: (1) he will be loved and there will be no real conflict (2) the grandparents love him to pieces and are happy to take him (3) he will be happy there and you (the mother) will not have to worry about me disciplining your son anymore (3) (i actually most left this part out though) her daughter can focus on her study without her brother and grandfather taking over the house with their bullshit (grandfather cooks fried pork fat hotdogs and fried chicken for step son every morning) the daughter eats it because it is what is there - that will change when the step son and grandfather go back to the grandmother's house. Moral of the story is if you want to get rid of a step son you have to make it benefit him 90% + with very little downside to him personally; in my case it helps that he never liked me despite what I did to get him out of poverty. So easier to get rid him. Also I pay the bills. Depending on what your situation is you have to tailor your reasons accordinly, but if you want to succeed you must make getting rid of him a plus for him personally and not for yourself. Otherwise you will trigger 'mother cub mechanism' and it is GAME OVER if you do that. Find a way to make getting rid of him a net benefit for him and make sure that he is in a safe loving environment. You won't succeed in having him go to a less safe environment because that will trigger the mother. BE VERY SMART and capitalise on ANY viable opening you might have.