You need to either discuss the whole situation (feeling like the live in maid, resenting unilateral decisions) with your husband and work on solutions to change the way you feel, or cut your losses and your husband's and leave now. No point in you being miserable and making your husband and step son miserable as well if you're not going to try to fix it, and just sit there with a goal in mind.

I totally understand your frustration with the dog situation. I would definately tell your hsuband that you are already overwhelmed with keeping the house clean with no help and that you can not take on the responsibility of the dog. Ask him who will feed and water and walk the dog. Ask where the dog will be kept when nobody is home or when everyone is sleeping.

As for 12 year old boys I do not think it is uncommon for them to look unkept at times. The boys that live next door to us are total outdoor kids. Always playing and getting dirty, but they have a great time. My girls play with them often building forts and running and playing sports. I could see how clothes could get ruined often, maybe that is the case with your stepson? My girls have ripped and stained many outfits out there.

As for hair I see so many boys growing their hair out nowadays and it does look unkept. But at 12 it really is on the boy to be brushing his hair, not his parents job.

As for child support when you think of it even if you don't see the money being spent on him some or most of it probably is. Just the home costs more if you have kids. If I had my dd only part time I could have a one bedroom apt. But me and dh have my dd and his sd full-time. So we needed AT LEAST 2 bedrooms in our home. If you have kids of different genders then you need more rooms. Food for kids that age can be expensive because they are so active and eat so much. You can't work all the time because you need to supervise your child and run them to activities. Sports and activities cost a lot. Field trips seem to be around every corner and can dollar you to death. School lunches and even school registration really get you! We paid $200 per child for public school registration this year! Lunches at school are $3.75 per day if we get them!! Then there are the notes that get sent home requesting extra supplies for school throughout the year. And then the money you spend on stuff for school projects all the time. And then there is the money for school spirit shirts or extra gym clothes. Then there are the school functions that cost money to get in. And then the kids need spending money for inside the event.

Then there is school clothes. I have had years where my girls got too tall for some of their clothes during the same season!! I swear my girls socks disappear and I spend endless amounts of money on socks. Then there is the water bill....kids at that age shower daily and probably take quite a while in the shower. Sometimes I think my girls fall asleep in there LOL.

So while it seems like you pay a lot and don't see the results they are probably there somewhere. Kids cost a lot!

Hi Denise,
I'm having a hard time with this because you used everyone's real name. I think you should ask GardenWeb to remove this post, and re-post using the acronyms frequently used on this forum, such as

DD - Daughter
SD - Step-daughter
DS - Son
SS - Step-son
DH - Husband
DW - Wife

I'd be happy to post a reply to your new message.
~Silver

Helpwiththis -- tell me about it, how much kids cost. At about that age, my D went through 2 shoes sized in 2 months. Any custodial parent can tell you -- AAAHH.

Yes kids are costly and at 12 and up...boys are walking stomachs!!!!! I cannot believe how much my ss ate this weekend in one day! He came back from mcdonalds with his dad. He ate an entire plate of spagetti i made with meat sauce. Plus the cookies and chips...Then 2 hours later ate 3 hotdogs and fries...supper time...3 pizza! This one only from 12 -6...can you imagine...
ANd yah, my son also goes through shoes like water! you can get a pair for 25 bucks...but after spending it 3 times in 2 months its crazy!
900 bucks though is alot of cahs for one child though. Yes money goes for sure...but when you do not see any new clothes on them , you wonder how she does spend. Maybe this woman doesn' t cook adn orders out and gets frozen dinners. That is not an effeciant way to spend that money. But its not your business. Remember that. What bm does with the money is her business.
And 12 year old boys tend to be untidy so i woudlnt be so quick to blame bm on that one.
All kids will manipulate a parent to get what they want. My toddler does it to me.
Denis it sounds to me you are just plain frustrated with your hubby and that he doesn't include you in. or discuss things.
He didn't discuss thedog issue. He just told you about it.
I suggest you sit yoru husband down and tell him his sons are barely there and that youwill not be responsible for the dog in any way shape or form. This si what you wanted to discuss with him that you have decided to have a no approach on the dog. He is to be fully responsible for the food, walks, vet bills and baby sitting for this dog. There will be a 3 month probation period. If the situation is not goign well the dog will be adopted by anotehr family. how about that for a discussion. You've decided this.
How will he feel eh?
I cannot stand men who are ina relationship and they come up to you to 'discuss' when they've already made the damn decision! There isnothing to discuss...you basically telling me the situation adn what will happen. I understand your frustration.
So another thing...it also sounds like there is more to this story. And if you are seriously fed up of being a stepmom and your husband is not on the same page as you and you are resenting him....then divorce him and be done with it. I agree with colleen on that point. Ifyou cannot rectify communication with hubby , cut your losses and stop getting angry.

I also understand your frustration at the dog situation. I would be aggrevated also! And I know how annoying it can be to feel like your the only one cleaning up the house. I sometimes feel like my hubby is the tazmanian devil...just whipping through the house like a tornado leaving a mess wherever he touches! LOL

My son is about the same age as your ss. I get about half the child support your husband pays and I have to say my child support barely scratches the surface as far as bills go!!

When I was working full-time I was paying almost my whole child support in before/after school care costs! My son has grown like crazy in the last year and the jeans that fit him when the school year started are now capris on him! He is on his second pair of gym shoes since spring break. His first part literally fell apart...and they were Nike's! He is just hard on his shoes. Jeans get holes in the knees pretty quick with him. Activities are expensive. My son did football, wrestling, band, dodgeball, and now swimming. Can't tell you how much we have spent! But he loves all the activities and I want to keep him as active and busy as possible! This summer he wants to do a 2 week football camp that is $300!!

And don't even get me started on food. My son eats like a horse since he is so active. And fruit and snacks really get expensive!

So I know that when you think of $900 you think of how much of your mortgage that covers...or how many hours were worked to get that money. And it seems like a lot. But when it comes to raising a pre-teen it really is not a crazy amount.

Oh and as for hair my son begged me to let him grow his hair out before. He would wake up looking awful!! Hair sticking up so badly that wetting it down did not work...he would have to shower before school. And still at times he would come back afterschool with his hair a mess. But at that age they need to have a bit of room for their own style.

Unless we are going somewhere nice or to a party or something I let my son pick out his own clothes. Sometimes they look great....other times he picks stuff that is real work or faded. And when he goes to his dads I pack older clothes because I know he will be outside playing and why ruin good clothes?? Maybe that is what your stepsons mom is thinking when she sends your stepson to your home?? Maybe she has nice school and event clothes at home.

I didn't read the responses but am curious to know why he is getting his son a dog? I mean, why are you allowing it? He said he wants to discuss it with you, and then proceeds to tell you that he is going to do it. When did the discussion happen? And why have you no say in your house? If you do not want a dog then don't allow the dog to be brought there. What are you complaining about or venting about? I guess a person would be tired of a marriage when she allows her husband to run over her. I don't understand this.

I have corrected the entire situation. The dog is not coming and I had a long talk with my SS and his BD. The BM I still hate with a passion. She wants to control her domain and the one me and my husband has just because my SS comes over every other weekend. She constantly say no matter what you may feel BD and BM will always have a their BS together so she is always going to be in the picture. When she say stuff like that it turns me off. I told her that we don't have anything in commend and our relationship consist of no conversation to one another. I told her I prefer to keep my distance with being any kind of friend of hers.

Well honestly, no one ever said u had to like one another! It's nice for the kids if all the adults in their lives had one flowing ball of communication, but lets be realistic! BM probably hates u cause ur sleeping w a man she has a child by. Its one of those bitter situations of :we didnt work, so why will u: and shes gonna hate u for it.
Ur SS resents u for along the same reasons, and wants to make his presence known. He wants a dog he goes to daddy and theirs nothing is stupid SM is gonna say about it, cause u are not HIS mother. Been there done that, trust me!

My stepchildren were HORRORS when my DH first got together. Mind u he had already been divorced for two years, with two children: daughter 10 and son 5. And the daughter was THE WORST. Not to mention when my DH first married :at that time the children were 12 and 7: and my SD LOST IT. She and her BM were on a personal vendetta to make my life a living hell. And then fast forward to a year later when my DH and I had a daughter of our own and thats when the u know what REALLY hit the fan!!

There were times then when I could say that I hated her, and she hated me I'm sure, but one day when she was at our house for the court mandated weekend, I caught her in the room w my DD. I was horrified at first, thinking, OMG is this kid gonna try and smother my child?! lol I caught her playing w the baby, and then she burst into tears. Sometimes when u hold malice towards someone u tend to get satisfaction out of their pain. Yeah, thats an ugly thing to say, but its true. However, when I saw SD crying I walked up to her and gave her a hug. I'm not saying it was like a lifetime movie after that and all, we still had our battles, and at times I had to try not to lose my mind and walk out, but here we are seven years later, two kids of my own, and two stepchildren, whom I love dearly and I know that sometimes, they love me too....lol

Just stand ur ground, and understand its hard for a kid who feels like he has to compete with the new woman for some love. Sit down with him and explain to him that ur not trying to come between them, and that u want to try and share. Theres enough love for the both of u.

As far as ur DH goes, though. U need to put ur foot down and let him know that u are not a chambermaid. Stop doing EVERYTHING around the house so hes stuck w chores. That'll really hit him where he lives!

Denise,

Glad you put your foot down. FYI, I agree with Silversword, you need an anonymous name and use the initials. You would be shocked by who reads these boards.

On housecleaning, don't do more than your share if they are not doing theirs. It's tough to walk around in a dirty house if you are neat (which is my situation) but I did boycott cleaning for a while to send the message home to dh.

On the dog, a dog is like another child. If you don't want one that should really be enough. Let SS get one and keep at mom's.

If your SS is really wearing on your relationship with your husband, that's the biggest deal. Somehow, diplomatically, look for ways to minimize the impact. It's really tough but lots of folks here have done it. Good luck.

How do I delete this posting as I used the family real names, or how do I edit this information. Please help ASAP!

Have you tried emailing managment of gardbenweb forum itself. I've seen them remove entire posts for sensitive issues and i'm sure they can remove it.
Press the 'contact us' on the banner of village garden web. Give them an email with exact details of your post and ask them to remove it.

I am so glad that you took a stand in this situation. I know EXACTLY how you feel as I went through this same thing when my SS was younger. He's 9 years old now.

My husband would make decisions and then he would expect me to be on board with his decision. I put up with a lot of his crap through the years. My stepson was a whiny little spoiled freaking brat.

Things are fine now because my SS and BM have moved 400 miles away AND I LOVE IT!! All I have to endure is about a month and a half of him. He is not as obnoxious as he used to be. He bugs me because he eats ALL THE DAMN TIME! But things are not as bad because I used to not say anything and let them SS, DH, and BM run all over me. Now I'm not taking no s*** from neither one of them.

Put your foot down girl!

This thread is still here? OMG, there are names and such but they haven't deleted? and all I did was invite private emails if anyone wants to discuss something privately? and *poof* it was gone!

C'mon GW, delete this thread... she doesn't want the actual names out there in cyberspace forever!!!

vulgar new forum contact me &^*(((^$#$@!@#$%^&*() to you tooo

denise if you read this again swear up a storm and call me horrible nasty names ...maybe then they will delete this whole post

name call directly
rude and nasty

think of someone you hate and say what you would say to them but put my name in there :)

Don't worry I can take it after all I am a SM :)

Nothing you could say to me my SC and their mother haven't already said or will say in the future.

pseudo, no offense but you have to insult a BM that's on here to get deleted... insulting SM's is apparently fair game!

heheheh lol... yah apparently..but i was pretty rude on the last blog of mine...but then again i didn't use full swear words. I think you need to fully spell it out wiht no stars or abbreviations... I think they allow a certain amount of colorful words if they are hidden in script..
I've read some posts that out right said for someone to be quiet but in a diff manner...and their post didn't get puffed.
Can't help being rude sometimes though...some posters have their heads where the sun don't shine. and i can't believe they actually function on a daily basis feeling so entitled....