giglz,
This is what you do...take your right hand and point at this little boy. Now notice that three of your fingers are pointing at yourself.

You need to take a course or read some books on child development. Three year old kids are challenging, but manageable. However, you need a UNITED FRONT to manage them.

You AND your husband need some family counselling. He IS NOT HELPING THE CHILD by ignoring bad behavior. It may make him feel less guilty, but he's encouraging bad habits that will lead to school problems, and eventually the same sort of relationship problems he's having right now. He's creating a disrespectful, bored, tantrum-throwing brat ... it's easy to do. The kid needs a FATHER, not a buddy, and not someone who ignores him.

Plan the weekends ... don't give him the option of sitting the kid in front of the TV. Have him take the kid to the park, the zoo, or just play in the yard witgh him. A bored 3-year old is much less manageable than one who is busy doing interesting things.

What will cause a strong contempt between partners is when one or the other regularly ignores the intelligence or common sense of the other. Having different opinions is not the same. Couples need to be able to talk about their differences and when one or the other feels that they are not being understood or taken seriously enough--then that person needs to do some homework so that they can become more convincing.

That would be easy enough, but it sure doesn't work with so many people--it is just so common these days that so many people don't care about anything but their own selves--their set of rules, etc. You could know what you're talking about, or have great common sense, or a great intuition--but some people will not be swayed.

The other quality that causes contempt between partners is lazyness. It is so common. It's maddening. To get someone to get off square one, take a stand, improve an attitude, take action, etc. you think you have to light a bomb--when you do, your in trouble. It's maddening.

These folks are obstinate, resistant, and determined to exert their own will, won't go to counseling because they know they don't want to change--even if it would save their marriage or family life.

Hi - I know exactly how you feel. My fiance & I got into this relationship and things moved way too fast - he sold his brand new house & moved in within 6 monthes and as soon as he did, the trouble began. His son is 9 and I can't stand to see him coming. His schedule is really difficult to live with - he comes to us on Mon, Tues, goes to mom's Wed, Thurs, back to us on Fri, Sat, Sun, mom's on Mon, Tues, back to us on Wed, Thurs, and so on.

It is this way because the child wanted it - and he knows the right things to say to both mommy & daddy to get them to cave. He uses crying, guilt, whatever it takes and it works.

He's learned from his father that if I say no, he can ask daddy and not only will daddy say yes, he'll tell me it's not a big deal.

Both of his parents take every word he says as the truth and never call him on ANYTHING - anyone with paretning skills knows that sometimes you need to question what your kids tell you.

My own two children - (9 & 12) can't stand to have him around for the same reasons, he whines, cries, lies, cheats, whatever it takes and usually gets what he's after.

I am having serious second thoughts and the number one reason - HIS SON.

I just dread actually going through it - mainly because he will get so nasty about things.

I just don't know how else I can deal with this - I've tried counseling, reading, talking - none of it interests my fiance in the least. I've really tried to ask myself why is it that I can't stand this child?? And the only thing I come up with is resentment towards him for the way his father is with him.

I can say that it will only get worse as they get older and the demands get bigger and the stakes higher.

What to do when you find yourself in the dilemma of being a single parent. Make some quick moves and you can find yourself paying dearly--losing self-respect and children paying the price all their lives.

Become an expert on the subject of co-dependency. If this guy hasn't won your respect from the experiences you have had--question is, why is he still your fiance. I don't want to know, but you should wonder.

"It has gotten to the point where divorce seems like the only way out. I love my husband but I just cannot tolerate his son."

Package deal. Sounds like you didn't think things through before the marriage. People who marry people with children should ALWAYS be aware that there is a very significant possiblity that those children could actually LIVE with them someday--maybe not right away, but someday.

I wish I could sit down with EVERY single person who thinks that they want to become a stepparent and scare the living daylights out of them. The issues generally are NOT with the children--but with the spouse--just like yours. The person your anger needs to be directed at is your husband--who is doing his son a great disservice by allowing this behavior to continue. Read through this board. You're not alone, nor that much different than 90% of the questions that get posted here. This is COMMON and doesn't need to be. Parents need to parent--not be buddies.

Your husband is HURTING HIS SON by allowing this. HE is jeopardizing his marriage. HE is responsible.

Maybe you made a mistake--only you can be the judge of that. Perhaps your husband would benefit from parenting classes, family therapy. There are some options.

3 years old is a challenging age (aren't they all?), but tantrums and bed wetting aren't uncommon. It also means that there's a LOT of parenting ahead for you and your husband and you'd better get some help as to how to do it since neither of you have a very good idea. Call a counselor or a family therapist. Righting this ship can happen but the ADULTS have to have this common goal and be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES in order to make this work. Doing what is best for the boy should be an easy common goal to agree upon.

I have suggested going to therapy, I have suggested parenting classes. He thinks that I am the one who needs to plan everything and do everything, its not my darn kid. I would gladly go together, but I am not going alone. We saw the BM at the store today and she took him alone for a minute "to see his little brother" when we got my SS asked his dad if we hated his mom and her husband. BLAH thats how I feel about the situation, my hubby wants me to do all the planning to entertain his child on the weekends and its not happening sorry just frustrated, glad I have a place I can vent.

You sound very, very immature. Yes, I guess you DO need to be in your bedroom.

gigglz,
Stepparenting is the hardest job, period. I was with my husband for three years prior to marriage, and knew him for 11. It didn't make the adjustment any easier. It's a difficult and thankless job. That being said, the child is 3. Of course he is misbehaving, he's looking for attention from an uninvolved dad. Bad attention is better than no attention! And he is more than likely picking up on your negative vibes. Kids know when they're not wanted. I know it's not your kid, but he came with your husband and you chose to be with him. I am sure you've heard that a million times, so here is my suggestion. There are lots of free sites online that you can get some craft ideas, learning worksheets, coloring sheets, etc. You don't have to drag him around to different places, just do some things together. Print out 3 coloring sheets and tell your DH that you are all going to color, do a craft, etc. Think about it this way, it keeps the child focused, occupied, and getting some really positive attention. It could influence DH to spend some time with him as well. It's not overexerting so you can still relax on your weekend, but even better...he can take home whatever you make and tell his mom, "Look what SM and I made!" Won't you look like the bigger person!! Especially if you made something that had to do with his "other" family, a picture frame, a card for little brother, etc. I'll bet it would put you both in a different frame of mind! Good luck to you.

giglz
I understand completely where you are coming from. I to have a 3 yr old child who has learned how to be very manipulative and very nerve wracking. Her mother has left the job of raising this child to me since she couldn't use her to break me and my husband up. **Rewind** I also have a 3 yr old daughter who is with my parents. Her dad and I didn't work out and I wanted nothing more to do with him. Anyway, she stayed with them for awhile because it was a very miserable situation for me and my folks with me there as I am borderline and bipolar, and on SS disability for it. I needed to find a place suitable for me and my daughter, and the home I was making with my husband was working out and I had hoped to start bringing her here for over nights slowly as not to make the adjustment difficult on her. My SD has lived with us Sun, Mon, Th, Fri and she goes with her mother the rest of the time. Well she decided she was going to abandon her responsibilities to me. (all the while blaming me for trying to be SD mom-PLEASE, TAKE her for a DAY!) Now, I want to enjoy and love this little girl, I do, but she is hyperactive, and has so much nervous energy she could drive a normally adjusted person to madness, my psychiatrist has seen her and reassured me that it ISNT just me.I am aware that she doesn't deserve to be in this situation, I know its not her fault. I do feel bad. But I am not able to mentally deal with this child and mine on a constant 24/7 basis. My daughter continues to stay with my parents and I grieve over my loss of mothering the child I brought into this world because some girl doesn't care about her daughter. I just feel sad and angry. Thanks for listening.

mad mommy,
you are not in the same league as gigliz--you have a heart and while you are sad, you are forward thinking and trying to do something about yourself. Hang in there.

Just want to add...children know if you are interested in them. I think that's all they want...someone to be interested in them. But be firm about your boundaries, and the boundaries and standards you set for the children. They respond very well to consistancy and firmness. They may not like it--at least to begin with--but they will become happy & cooperative--you'll see.

First and foremost kids at that age wet their beds and have tantrums. That is normal. What is not normal is your husband not paying attention to his own son. And if he does not want counselling or therapy...i really think you should not have kids with this man and get out.
The problem is your husband. All the way!! He is hurting his son and his son is angry and is going to take it out on you if you keep trying to do things for him that his father should. Its bad enough the ex is not helping the situ. But this guy has to be a father and it sounds like he is not. He should shape up or you ship out. I feel sorry for his son.

My step-daughters are grown now and over 18-thank God! They are no longer allowed in my home and I will divorce my husband in an instant if they step foot over the threshold of my door. The girls were both sat down and warned ahead of time that they had one more chance to "act out". If they did, the ties would be cut forever from me and my children. My son was so confused that he looked at me with his little brown eyes one Christmas and said "Are we mad at Cheryl and Sara this year or happy with them?" That's when I decided that they would also need Psychiatric care like the step-daughters if this didn't stop. I wasn't going to let the hard work that I did raising my natural born children go to waste. These girls were going to "go first."

When my husband and I were engaged, the girls called him between 25-35 times per day (this is not an exageration). I was left in many resturants alone and his food was cold while he was outside solving fights b/w the girls and thier natural mother. They warned him that if he married me, they would "disown" him as their father. They informed him that they would stand outside the wedding gazebo and hall yelling obsenities to ruin our wedding. I asked my husband if he was sure that he wanted to go on with the wedding before I mailed out the invitations. He said, "yes.". I hired extra police protection in case they carried out their plan. We had business associates invited to the wedding and could not have this happen. Two days before the wedding he wanted to cancel the wedding because his daughters were upset. I told him that the invitations were sent out and he would not insult me. Get married-get divorced the next day. He agreed.

We were apart for one week without a honeymoon after the wedding and talked a few times. He then moved into my house with his daughter and her tattoo, pierced up, gothic boyfriend. I hid my jewelry. The boyfriend would try to "feel me" everytime he passed by me, whispered what he wanted to do to me in my ear and ask what I was wearing under my robe. I told my husband what was going on and he walked away from me. I caught him with my underwear several times.

I had two children --a girl(about 9-now in college with scholarships) and boy(3 now older with honor roll). They were from a previous marriage. Their lives were starting to turn upside down. They were brought up in a normal home with normal parents. My ex became depressed after his mother's death, refused help and I had too much pride to stop the divorce. The grass is always greener on the other side. I had St Augustine Grass and now I have dead weeds.

One & 1/2 month later we were called in Hawaii, his oldest daughter (20 years old) wanted us to leave Hawaii b/c the police was at her house due to her mother beating her. She wanted to move in with us. I told my husband to leave Hawaii alone, I wasn't going anywhere. My husband sent her to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother owned a rental home and offered her free rent to move in. THe grandmother caught them with their wipe rags all over the house. She threw them out. A week after we got home, she moved in. Then the mother was beating the younger sister and wrapping telephone cords around her neck. She moved in and they fought over the spare bedroom, b/c the boyfriend was there, too. My husband just allowed them to fight, hit and pull hair. My children were horrified. They had never seen anything like that. It was a mess. This went on for months. The younger daughter had to sleep in my son's room. She was not happy and made it known on a regular basis. She threw constant temper tantrums for this and anything that she wanted and couldn't have. She had to have a pair of $200 pair of pants or shoes if someone at school had them. She was just a BRAT!!! And my husband gave in.

Because the mother had no job or income, she begged the younger daughter to come home for child support money. The younger daughter moved back and then she just came in every other weekend.

My mother angrily confronted me regarding the fact that my natural born young daughter could hear the yelling and banging on the walls all night b/w his older daughter and her boyfriend. My natural born daughter was having trouble sleeping and it was affecting her at school. I told my husband and he told me to "shut up". THey were just "laying together-not doing anything else. His daughter would never!"

Her boyfriend would play with her and grap her in certain places while we were watching family TV. My husband would look away. Then they began using blankets in front of my small children to ----while my children and husband were in the room. He did nothing. Her boyfriend made up with his family and finally moved back home. I was very relieved b/c me and my children were scared of him. Later, I saw him schakled and handcuffed going to prison while paying my parking ticket. He stuck his tongue in my ear when he told the guard I was a relative and wanted to talk for a minute.

One day, I came home from work and his oldest daughter walked into the house behind me. She dangled a pair of keys in front of my face and said "My dad just bought me my 2nd brand new car behind your back". She laughed, walked upstairs and went into her room. I looked outside and there was a brand new $30,000 car parked in front of the house. The car that I was driving was used, scratched, needed a paint job, the ceiling felt was falling down, etc. I just cried and felt so betrayed. Most people would say that I deserve everything that I got and the sad part is---you are right. I deserve every bit of it. The signs were there, but love overlooked it. He told me "we have a pre-nup and it's none of your business."

Once the oldest daughter got a new car, she went home to her mother and would move back and forth when her mother beat her up and/or the police came to their home. The younger daughter continued to come every other weekend. Until one day, when we moved into a bigger house. She decided to move back with us. Her nervousness, manipulative behavior, ADHD, constant chattering and talking, attention seeking behavior, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder drove me crazy. I couldn't take it (her mother tried to get her psychiatric help like the rest of their family---but she ran away, so she was not medicated). The child refused in-patient treatment and of course, no parent made her get it. She roamed the house until 2Am and woke up b/w 4-6AM for school. She was so maniac that she hardly slept, ate or stopped moving around. I started to feel insane myself.

Don't ask why-But I decided that I wanted a baby. Just say it---"Are you stupid lady?" I always wanted a house full of normal kids since I was a young girl, probably has something to do with the whole nurse thing and working with kids. We announced that we had been going through fertility treatments for 2 years to our family and it wasn't working @ a BBQ. My oldest step-daughter was furious and walked out slamming the door behind her. She became pregnant 2 months later and didn't know who the daddy was. She blamed it on the "tatoo man", but had told me about her lesbianism, three and foursomes, married couples and picking up guys from the street that she didn't know. I was severly hurt and felt like she purposely got pregnant (since she took herself off of the pill). She knew I wanted a child and couldn't have one. Five months later, my MD told me to call it quits-no more fertility. I started a Chinese adoption and found that the MD's lab test was wrong!! I was actually pregnant and now have two 4 year olds-adopted and fertility. What a task!!! Yeah I have my house full now!

The younger, sixteen year old daughter was still living with me while I was pregnant. One day, I came home and heard her over the phone saying, "If you do what I want, then I'll come back. Are you going to keep your promise? You do what I want and I'll do what you want". When she saw me she hung up, but I already heard her conversation. I had filled out a credit application and was in the process of buying her a Mustang Convertible for Christmas. This way the girls had a way to school and activities. I wouldn't have to wake up so early and stay dressed late to drive them anymore. They would now have a ride everywhere! I also thought that it would bring them closer, but they were so different. One rebellious and sporty, while the other was quiet and girlie.

The next day, my husband was in the room with her and he walked out with tears in his eyes. He looked me and my daughter and cursed both of us out. I followed him upstairs and asked what was going on? He said that his daughter was moving out in 2 weeks b/c my daughter told his daughter that she shouldn't call her sister's child a "goober", because that meant stupid and it wasn't nice.
What??? That's the most stupid reason I have ever heard of for moving out of a house where you are treated as a queen with thousands of dollars in clothes and living in quite a mansion in a gated community to live in filth. She was not turned down for one thing the entire time she lived with us. My husband tried to hit me, started calling me and my daughter names. I informed my husband and his daughter that she would pack and move tomorrow, not in 2 weeks and I never wanted to see or hear from her again, b/c she lied and didn't tell her dad about the deal she made with her mom for a car for child support. She was jealous that my daughter was a great student, had constant compliments on her beauty (won over 30 beauty pageant titles), honor student, homecoming queen, cheerleading captain, dancing school, completed modeling school, etc. Her dad was proud to call his step daughter his daughter b/c he finally had the opportunity to show off as a "dad" with an exceptional daughter to "brag about." Something he never had before. He was closer to my daughter than his own. Sara saw it and had to stop it. She had to leave by ruining this family relationship, like the one she was going home to.

Her mother was psychotic (would attempt partial, somewhat kind of suicide attempts to get her stomach pumped in front of her daughters on the living room floor). She was receiving money from the state, but wanted child support money, too. She promised Sara a car if she came home. I cancelled the Mustang Convertible. Needless to say, her mother never bought the car or got her a driver's license as she promised. We would receive 50 phone calls per day due to their fighting over the car. At night, I would take my phone off of the hook so we could sleep and my husband left his cell phone in the car. She wanted to come back and I said absolutely not.

They were told to stay away from our newborn son and my other children. The oldest daughter came to work and cursed her father out in front of all of his employees. Enough was enough for me. I told my husband that I would leave if they returned or visited.

Their mother died. The girls sued him for money and he pays them monthly while they have guys and drugs in the house. Now, they have a furnished house that is paid for and more new cars. They can do whatever they want except, come to my house. My husband sees and calls them. And I would never stop him from seeing his children. We own our own businesses, so he has the opportunity to visit them in their filth on a regular basis.

One day, I found my body acting funny. I was pregnant. I carried the baby, made all my appts. One day, I went to one of my MD appts to find that the baby was dead. It was the first appt my husband had came to with me. A D&C was done. I begged and cried for the baby so that I could bury it. The medical staff said "sshh! no baby will be buried." My husband agreed. My husband never talked to me on the way home. I asked, " why couldn't I bury the baby?" He said,"get over it." I asked him why he was not as upset as I was and he told me that he had been through this with ex-wife twice. So, I guess I've only been through it once-not as important?

My doctor had never gave me an ultrasound picture-as an RN, I found that wierd. He always turned away the machine and told me he was running low on paper and would give me a picture next time. I was so hurt. Months later, I saw his partner that had delivered my other babies. I asked him what happened and found out that it was a boy with spina bifida and everyone was trying to hide it from me because he was deformed. They thought it was in my best interest with all I had been through. I asked for an ultrasound picture and he gave me one. I put it in me desk in a box and it's like his little place by his mom.

A few days later, a baby shower invitation for my husband's oldest daughter's 2nd prison father's child was mailed to my house. When she found out that I was pregnant, she was pregnant 2 months later (how convenient-but her baby lived). The entire time that we were married, they had never mailed a Christmas card, Father's day card, Birthday card, absolutely nothing to our house. No return address was put on the envelope and it was addressed with our last name only. THis was to make sure that I opened it. I was so hurt that I couldn't get out of bed. I cried so much. I wrote them back. Leave us alone. Do not call, mail or come to our house. Use your grandmother's address as a mailing address for your father. We do not want our other children to know that you exist. If you enter their lives, they will certainly need psychological help like you receive. My 2 older children hate you, as well. My oldest daughter has asked that you please stop telling people that you are related to her. She doesn't want anything to do with you. My youngest children do not know you exist and I hope that they never find out. Based on the fact that they are such horrible people, everyone agrees with our decision.

While I enjoy and love my other 4 children,our lives have never been the same. The two children from my first marriage are now mentally abused daily. They hate my 2nd husband now. I hate him, too. One of the little ones love him and the other tolerates him. We have seperate rooms since Sara moved out years ago over the "goober" incident. Luckily, the house is big enough that he lives downstairs and I live upstairs. One night he slept in my bed and my 4 yr old son asked "why?" This is when you have the step children from hell. Beat this story!

I have not gotten a divorce yet due to the stress of Hurricane Katrina. I wanted to get my oldest daughter settled in her college. I was looking for real estate. Now you don't know which houses flooded and which ones didn't. Seperating the assets will be a nightmare due to the pre-nup and owning 3 companies together. It will happen, but believe it or not, I'm actually too busy for a divorce right now. The house has to be fixed to be "sellable", the businesses need to be in better shape. If someone looked at our books, they would want the businesses for free. I just pretend that he's not here and tell the kids to stay out of the same room he is in. That's how we live----but don't ever criticize someone for calling anyone a "goober" it could ruin your life forever.

oh i know how u feel!!!!!!!! u just wanna scream!!!! i can't stand my stepdaugther...so annoying!! just wish they could just stay away and stay with their birthmother!!! for good!

mom11, you better think 3 times before you wish away your husband's child....

Just think how much fun he'd be to live with if that did indeed happen if you want to look at it from a purely selfish perspective.

Cant take any more
My stepson came to live with my husband and I last week he is 8yrs old his mother says she can not handle him any more I donÂt want to say he is bad but he is in trouble all the time at home at school any were he goes the kids donÂt want to play with him. Last weekend at a party (I have two boys from another man 12 & 13) he spit in both of my childrenÂs faces so my son spit on him and hit him I know it was not right for my son to hit or spit on him but he did spit on both of my boys. All my husband says oh heÂs just a boy their is always a reason for this kids behavior. He has been enrolled at a new school for 5days now the teacher has called us 2 xÂs removed him from the class. Last night he was throwing pool balls around because he was mad. The kid has been kicked out of after school programs for hitting, kicking, pushing other students and lying. They did not let him eat, play or sit with the other kids in class. I am really trying to be their but my husband feels his son can hit my kids and mine are not to put a hand on him because of the age group. So to avoid any problems I tell my kids not to play with him no kids in the neighborhood want to play with him. His father makes the kids play with him. I see him as being a very angry child. My husband blames his mother for how he acts. The boy is smart he plays his father against his mother. He tells his dad he hates his mom she does not love him she is lazy, she is mean and he allows him to talk about her that way. He can not go one day without getting into trouble hitting, kicking, pushing, and lying about anything small or big. My husband does not want to admit their is a problem with him. I think he feels if something is wrong he is a bad parent. How can I get him to get help before it breaks us up or this kid ends up really hurting someone or himself? Our house has turned into a battle field every night their is a 2-3 hour discussion over what he did wrong and my kids are being left out. I have to sit in or he will play his dad and get out of trouble by saying oh I'm just bad I canÂt do anything right and his dad feels bad so it goes from discipline to holding laughing playing. And poor me.. Someone please help... well things have not changed they only have gotten worse Nov. 13th he attacked 7 children on the school play ground and one school yard supervisor now he has only been in school 1wk also he was screaming at the princeable and his father in the middle of the office. My husband did nothing no punishment at allÂ. He was kicked out of the after school program again. Now he has been in school 4wks and on Nov. 22nd he attacked another student put this little boy in a head lock. Also again attacked the after school playground supervisor. It was so bad they could not control him they called the police and put him in hand cuffs and a crises counselor speak with him. And his father takes him to get a hair cut buys him some new clothing he went out to eat that night was sitting in his bead watching TV that night the next morning. Top it all off his dad allowed him to go to Mexico for the long weekend. He was suspended from school. But at home he can do no wrong. Remember this boy is only 8 yrs old and he is just an evil little kid. At first he would say oh their making fun of me he has openly told his father I just do it because I want to. At times I want my boys to beat the crap out of him just so he can see how it feels. Now that this kid lives with us his mother is still recieving child support every month she calls at least 7-8 xs a day.All of a sudden she cares she never told my husband anything. One wkend she was suppose to pick him up on Friday and keep him till monday and drop him off at shcool she comes on Saturday at about 6:00 pm to pick him up on Sunday we are watching T.V. and at about 11:30 she is at the door I cant handle him he is acting up you need to spank him. She drove a 20-30 min drive to bring to the house so my husband could disapline him I looked at my husband and said HELL no she is not going to just pop up here any time she feels like it. I see her more now that this kid lives with us then the whole 4 yrs we dated in the past 5wks this lady has been at my front door at least 15 times. has been on my phone I cant even count how many xs.

Perhaps before adults decide to remarry a person with children, they'd be better served by seeking counseling. Full disclosure of what's upcoming seems like the best preventive medicine in regards to blending broken families. Educate yourself on the ups and downs...and make your decision to marry armed with knowledge... It's unrealistic in this day and age to marry a person with children and expect the best will happen... Just read these message boards, they are filled with horror stories...hatred, loathing, contempt and unhappiness...

Maureen, you're absolutely right. I don't post here that often anymore just because it's too depressing for me personally just to read the various threads. The time to consider the ramifications of a stepfamily is before you marry, not after. I've even told my own stepkids that love is only ONE consideration when it comes to marriage. There are a zillion other things that go into making a marriage work and you should also look at other characteristics when choosing a partner. I hope they listen.

I wouldn't trade my stepkids for the world. And yes, we've had our difficulties, but that's just life. In the end, we all love each other. I've never had a day or a moment where I have hated anything about them. Perhaps we're the aberration. I don't know.

I don't think we should hate the children. When you think about it, we as adults are the ones who got ourselves into these messes. It isn't the kids faults. Yes, they can be annoying etc. typical kid behavior, but if we all think back to when we were kids and how we felt when our parents divorced, maybe our perspectives would change. Little children need as much love and guidance as we can give. We can only take responsibility for ourselves, not the husband, not the child's mother etc.
We are all like mirror's and what we send out to these children comes back to us ten fold. If we cringe everytime the child is in the room, of course they are going to feel it. We all have problems, but when it comes to kids, we have to find a way to form and shape them into good adults. I have been in a relationship with my husband for 6 years and I cannot stand his son because of all of my own problems that stem from childhood. I don't want to pass that down to him and I know that noone else does either. We just have to find a way to do the right things with these kids, somehow, someway. This is a good place to start. Also, focusing on ourselves like joining a class or fullfilling a dream.
If we can't care for the children of the world, especially the little ones, then where are we headed as a society? What if these kids coming into your home were from an agency and you were the foster parent, what things would you do differently when you have no emotions tied to the situation?
All questions that I seriously need to ponder myself. Thanks for listening.

3 year olds can be tough to deal with! This is typically one of the MOST bratty ages there is.(Also the cutest too,but if you arent the actual parent it can be hard for you to appreciate)

I dont think it's right how your husband kinda "slid" his kid into the picture when it wasnt that way when you first met. I can see how you would feel Deceived...
I also think maybe every single weekend is a bit much. I assume the biological mom works...so,she doesnt want anytime with her son on the weekends???

If i were you,I'd tell your husband that every weekend is simply too much,and not what you signed on for. Ask if every OTHER weekend would be an option.
For the weekends when the child comes over,make yourself scarce.Leave your husband there and you go out of the house so you dont lose your mind.If he drives you THAT crazy,then you shouldnt have to be there.
Otherwise,divorce is probably the best option if your husband refuses to see your needs.

Seems like alot of fathers just look for a "replacement" mom to care for their kids since they are no longer with the bio-moms. Doesnt seem like that great a father to me if he just sits in front of the TV while his son is there anyways.

stepmonster....you have got to be kidding me??? Either this post is a bunch of bull....or you need help!! Your fault for staying in this one!!!

I agree that is the craziest story I have yet to hear...and my own life is pretty crazy,but what a nightmare!
Your (ex) husband sounds like a real jerk.

When I first married my husband, my step-kids were 13 and 16. With their mother, they really put a strain on our marriage. Now, they are 23 and 26, and they are absolute angels. Really. I never thought we would be at this point. But we are happily married, and my step-kids are a joy to us. If you love your husband, don't give up. This is a tough time, but it will pass. It will be worth it.

gigglz, you can work with a 3 year old. He's 3 and you are X. Tantrums and bedwetting are normal especially with boys and are also something you can do something about. The next time he has a tantrum just ignore him and make your husband ignore him. Keep ignoring the tantrums and they will stop. Combine that with a time out. Bedwetting is also common at 3 years old, stop juice, milk, fluids 2 hours before bedtime and he must go potty before bed. Also, put him in some nighttime Pull-Ups and get a plastic sheet. Lavish him with praise when he goes through a dry night. Get him some kid underpants with Elmo or Thomas that he won't want to wet.

Sorry, put on your big girl panties and do something about the situation!! I agree, 3 year old wants attention more than TV. Take him out somewhere, the park, riding his trike it doesn't take much. Try jigsaw puzzles. Watch TV with him for a little while, he will love it! Make some playdates for him with your friends kids, this will be one big thing that will help a lot. I bet that he shapes up in no time. Read some parenting books. Your husband is lazy and this is mostly his fault but you are there and can do something. Or..

Tell your husband the kid is not welcome. Hiding in your room from a 3 year old is ridiculous.

I think you should get divorced.

giglz,

I have to agree with Iamom. Marrying someone who has rebellious teenage children can be impossible; by comparison, 3 year olds are easy. It sounds like you just haven't had much experience with children. I started babysitting at the age of 12, and by 14, spent my summers away from home working as a camp counselor, and I've got to tell you, ALL children "test their limits." You need to take the upper hand. Bedwetting at the age of 10 might indicate a problem. At the age of 3 though, an awful lot of children aren't even fully potty trained, he'd have to be pretty exceptional to be able to control his bladder at night. Why would he be "wetting the bed" though? Don't you put him in diapers at night? If not, well, there's the problem.

We have 3 toddler grandbabies who frequently spend the weekends with us, and if we kept them inside, by the time we sent them home there wouldn't be much left of our house. Toddlers have boundless energy that they NEED to release, and they also need to interact and socialize with other children. That's what parks, McDonald Playlands and Chuck E. Cheese's are for!

Does he have toys at your house that you can play with him? Do you read him bedtime stories? Can you sing the theme song to "Spongebob Squarepants?" You need to show your interest in things HE'S interested in. Little boys LOVE video games, and at 1 1/2 years old, I had my grandson sit on my lap and taught him how to play the computer games on the Sesame Street and Nickelodeum websites. They're free and he mastered them before the age of 2.

Do this with your SS and he will ADORE you and will do almost anything to get on the computer with you. These games are also learning games, which teach reading, puzzle solving, and basic math. As a direct result, our grandson skipped kindergarten because he was already reading at the 4th grade level.

After a hard week at work, you're probably tired and just want to relax on the weekend--which is exactly why mommy and daddy ship grandbabies off to OUR house, and they BEG to come because they know we LOVE having them. Children can sense when they're not wanted, and that's bound to make them resentful--and act out.

Of course, entertaining this child is really your HUSBAND'S responsibility, so here's my other suggestion. Have your husband buy his son a Nintendo DS--like the big boys play, along with some nice toddler games such as "Smart Kid's Playhouse", "Power Rangers" and "Spongebob Squarepants", and you'll probably never hear a single peep out of him again.

Best of luck!

has anyone noticed this post is 2 1/2 years old? The kid in this situation is now going on 6.

Nobody post on this anymore but i must say ain't no need putting all the blame on the husband, yes what he is done is wrong, but the woman who started this post ain't no better by acting like a bigger child then that 3 year old. If this person couldn't stand the way that kid was and actually hated the boy i hate to see what she does if she has her own kid will she hate the kid she gave birth to just because she doesn't like the way he or she acts? I agree what he said that his son comes first, because no matter if that marriage lasted or didn't that boy will always be his son. Hope this woman is now acting like an adult now as well as the other people that whined and complained about their step sons bad behavior.

I let my 20 something stepson fresh out of prison come live with us temporarily as he had a good attitude and showed alot of personal growth for 6 years. I supported him in everyway the entire time he was in prison. As soon as he started living with us it was like a slippery slope to hell and back. Suddenly the disrespect started, refusal to help out, horrendous messy room, drinking (against the rules), intimidating looks, taking things without asking, irratated over paying rent & the whole time his father would not address any issues or enforce any rules as he said it made his son feel like a child. So after an incodent occured over the no GF sex in the house rule (my rule & GF/SS agreed) I kicked him out after SS became scarily enraged at me. The SS is not allowed in the house until he gets the chip off his shoulder, apologizes and everyone can show respect. SS is an only child (spoiled & put on a pedestal) who comes from a very disfunctional past marriage. My husband & I have been going to therapy and working our issues out but its a very slow process. I keep reminding myself that the disfunction that has been in place for a very long time needs time to correct but first I had to tell myself that if you make him choose between his son & me, his son will win hands down as hes blood. You have to find a way to work it out or you need to walk away from the situation. You cant make people change if they dont want to because they have to want to change or it doesnt work.

I hate to do this but, I need advise from someone that is not biased. My stepson has recently moved in (10 months ago. His mother was never a good mother and eventually the child got to the point where she could not handle him anymore. So, my husband and I finally got him. He is almost 14 years old now. And there already existed a relationship between us because he has been coming over for weekends and hoildays, etc. When his mom asked if we would take him of course we responded yes. I knew he was always in trouble, home and school, and I just thought that if we had him that I could help by bringing him into a loving structured home. Well, I was wrong. And now that I have had the opportunity to live with him 24-7 I know realize that it is not working. He is in constant trouble in school and home, he starts physical fights, he is disrespectful, lies, steals, etc. But, just as many bad qualities as good. And thats what I ran with trying to show him how his behavior affects him and others and concentrating on the endless possiblities that could be in his path. But, to be honest, outside of a small improvement, I have had it. I am ashamed that I have had it. I wish it wasn't so, but, I no longer want to do this. I told my husband that I love him but, his son needs to go. If he chose to go to to try and raise this child then that would be fine but, I know longer wanted to deal with him and his constant issues (and I mean constant ... never any peace). Well, if their is any advise I am open to it. I would like to hear if anybody even agrees with me or not. I am just exhausted and have my own children to look after.

Children are a challenge at that age. It really makes things bad when you have a bitter & selfish ex to deal with. My husband has a son from a previous marriage and she is a snake. She has done everything under the sun to keep him from liking me. She told him he did not love her if he called me mom. I was nothing but the live in baby sitter. We have been together going on 8 yrs and we still have are challenges. She still tells him that we love his 3 siblings more than him and we had more kids to replace him. Any time he spends time with her he comes back with a bad attitude. We have come along way. When we first started dating he would not even speak to me or allow me to do things for him. I would ask if he was hungry and he would not answer. He would wait until his dad came in to ask for food or water.

Today we fight less and have some really great moments. He refuses to belive that his would ever lie to him because moms don't lie.

My best advice for you is to not give up. Raising someones kid who is being taught to hate you is a hard task. But if you love your husband, you have to work together to make it work. Take it in small strides. You have to show him everytime you are there and not going away. Never try to buy his love or affection. Be patient. It will not come over night or even in a month or two. You can not un-teach him the hate she will teach him or breed in him. But he will get older and he will be able to see what you do. You show him hate and you will get it in return. I wish you the best.

To the world I am his mommy and she is his mom. Just reassure him you are trying to take his moms place. Let him know that if he will let you, you just want to be his friend. Take baby steps.

look im going to just be honest here. your SS'S BM is a total b***h and you don't need her, so play her game , tell her son that her mother is a whore and she would spend more time with her son if she wasen't off bl*wing junkies.

secondly your husband is a real piece of s**t. if he says your come second to a kid he cant get off the couch for then you are right up there with a common field mouse in priorities. if i were you id tell him that either his son stays away much longer or its over. show that POS who is boss.

also your SS is probably a little jerk anyways. try finding your neighborhood pedophile and ask him/her to babysit a few nights a week. that ought to straighten the little s**t out.

if all else fails id try beating him into submission. he may hate you but he will be too scared to say it. or boarding/military school works too.

if all else fails , under cook everything till the little s**t dies of food poisoning then go and say it was red lobster and sue.

and live happily ever after lol.

To those judging for just telling it like it it: don't judge and be grateful you don't have to go through this. When I met my boyfriend, it was supposed to be a summer fling with no strings attached. It was only once madly in love, 4 months later, as we started a serious relationship that I found out about his 3 year old. We've been together for 5 years and lived together for 3. My boyfriend works overseas a lot so whenever he's home, BM sends him over for weeks, which is weird considering that she doesn't work and we pay her bills... She also did a great job teaching the boy to ignore me and pretend he can't hear me. He only talks to his dad. I work with kids and I'm used to being alert and finding the passion and smile behind every personality. But that one doesn't want me to look at him. His dad is great. We don't fight in front of the kid, we discuss rules, activities and everything but personnally, ever since I've accepted the rejection and just ignore the boy when he's home, I feel much better. I don't care for the boy and there's no point pretending. He's lazy, only cares for tv and playstation (which shows in his grades) As long as he doesn't disrespect me and respects the rules, I leave him alone. But I don't like him. And my boyfriend and I want a child of our own. I know it will show the difference then but than again, maybe it will make the boy wiser and he'll stop sabotaging the family with his mom's ideas... I think it is also important to admit that what we really hate about these kids is what they represent. They are a constant reminder that we didn't have the promised fairy tale. We might as well have pictures of the ex-wife or ex girlfriend tatooed all over their faces. It's all human. It is human to feel these emotions.

I have a similar situation. Right now we live separately, but we will live with kids again in some time. I know his 2 sons very well, they are annoying and mean to their father v.often. I hate that. They also have shown their good side, but I think that's not the point. Women try to figure out where the jeleousy/emotions/feelings of hate come from, whether it is childhood or sth and it has nth to do with it. The main reason is our nature! We are females, programmed to find a male who will take care of us (love, care etc.) and OUR kids. If there is anyone like another woman (ex) or kids on the way we want to desrtoy them and we don't care who they are. It stands on our way to be happy, so let's not kid ourselves that we can love each other and be a happy family. We can't, because kids will take the man away from us, ex will make him think about her and kids only and there is nobody who will stand on our side. In our minds he is supposed to take care of us and our kids, not some other woman's children, who also very often hate us, because we care about the man more then they do or ever did (I mean kids and ex hate us). Oh and the fathers always feel guilty of everything, mothers never do, so they all just use it against them. I can't see my relationship working out once we come back and live with his kids. I am 100% sure we will break up, even though he is the perfect man for me, we love each other like crazy and understand so well :(

With an attitude like that, Piggy, you chose your nick well.

I just have to say, children that are 3 years old are not manipulative. they are babies who are probably just a bit upset that mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore. and they know if you hate them.
toddlers are hard but they are also kids who don't know better, you adults should remember that. :)

I know I posted this is 2006 but for an update I did end up divorcing him, and it was the best thing I ever did. I never hated my step son, I hated his father! I left in 2008 and that was after he decided not to have his son anymore, we hasn't even seen him for a year.

I am not sure if anyone still reads these, I am just looking for a place to ask questions and vent, and sometimes I just need to hear the truth.

I am in a relationship with a man who has a son. The son calls me mom, and we all live together in a house I bought a year ago. I am having a hard time finding anything to connect with with my stepson.

He is 11, and ever since I've met him, he lies about everything. He lies to his father and I about silly things (what he ate or if he washed his hands) to not so silly (telling his real mom that he is made to do things he doesn't want to do).
I first brought up the lying to his father because lying is something that is not tolerated in my life or in our house. I do not deal with lying. I made that clear to him and stepson. I set an example by always being honest and never lying. I know telling the truth hurts, but it is the truth. Stepson lies all the time, and his father will not discipline him. All he says is "lie again and I will bust your butt." He has told SS this countless times and he doesn't do it.
Recently it got worse. He called one of his teachers at school a few choice bad words. We got a call from the school and we couldn't believe it. We knew he had outbursts like this at home, and dad never did anything about them (and I told him it was a matter of time before my SS would do it at school too), and now he is realizing that his idle threats aren't working. So his punishment for calling his teacher some bad words was... taking his Legos away! That is it! And I am an educator, and I find this very offensive, I would want my students to have more respect for me than my SS does for his teachers.

I am having trouble bonding with my SS. I always make sure he is taken care of by having food, clean clothes, and a home that is welcoming. But I am having a hard time being close to him because I feel betrayed by his lies. He is rude and always in grown up conversations, he is messy and leaves clothes lying everywhere. He doesn't have any chores, just pick up your things. He doesn't do much but get home and play outside and make a mess inside, and lie.

I know it is not his fault he is rude and disrespectful and lies all the time, but I am just having a hard time finding something to connect with him. I am an outgoing fun person and he is always a negative person who sees the worst in everything.

I am trying to be positive, but knowing that any moment he will lie about me and say things to people about me, keep me away from him. I have no interest in bonding, just letting him be and letting me be. It is very hard on his father because he doesn't like to see us torn in a difficult relationship (SS and I), but he doesn't do anything to discipline his son. If you want people to like your son, then you must teach him to be respectful of others. We model respect, his father and I, and are actually truly very happy. I am just afraid that SS and I are growing farther apart and that will hurt his dad.

I know that people will say "you knew he had a son before you lived together...." yes that is true but it is different when you see them everyday and have to live with their lies and meanness all the time. I don't have children of my own, just my SS, and I want to love him and like him, but it is just so difficult and draining on me.

You might want to re-post this on its own thread;
people will be more likely to read a 'new' thread.

I know it sounds like a broken record, but the problem is not the child, it's his father, & it sounds like it's a complex, long-standing problem that we can't solve on an internet forum.

Just as an example:
My ex had a gifted son who was a mess.
threw tantrums, did obnoxious things in public, argued with his dad about the obnoxious things...& his dad was happy because his 7-year-old was able to 'reason' out arguments!

(Actually, he wasn't old enough to construct arguments, he was parroting the kinds of interaction he witnessed between his parents & between his father & other people.)

When *I* finally said that this had to stop or dad had to go away, dad took child to a famous children's hospital for evaluation.

There were a few physiological things going on, but the main problem was...anger.

This boy was stewing in a constant brew of anger because of the kinds of interactions he had with his dad & the way his dad treated him.

The dad was consistent, I'll give him that;
he treated his ex the same way, & he treated me the same way, & eventually we split up, & I retired to lick my wounds & get my breath & recover my strength & self-respect.

Whatever you do, I wish you the very best.