I was resent for supporting my husband at the beginning of the relationship..its almost destroyed my marriage...i went for a few sessions of counciling..which really didnt' help. In the end..i began to relaly keep separate finance with him. We always had separate but i would always fork more out... now i make sure we pay half and half on the bills...i took back all the cash i bailed him out before we married. And when it comes to any bills with his kids i leave it up to him...extras..he pays but he pays bit by bit to budget himself. Ex wife complains..but too bad. That is our budget..she's lucky she's evne getting any extra for the kids...becasue he is tight and i'm not a bank account. I felt so resentful for a while. To save myself and my marriage i spoke with him..and reminded him that before we got married that expenses...such as gas especially was his responsibility for his kids...( the cost is ALOT to pick them up...its a 3 hour drive...soo...hefty onthe gas) i stopped paying the gas ..that is his responsibility.. The only thing i still pay is xmas gifts....which i've cut down onthose as well...but one thing hit me this year...he bought nothing for his daughter...and i mena nothing....i paid for all her gifts..which next year this will have to change.. There are times i just feel like a mother...and not a wife..nto a partner.. Especially when it comes to birthdays..or xmas... i know why he is holding back on that...i understand. He feels used. Unappreciated. He gives , he gives, extra...and then they drop him on his weekends...they say its boring..etc...they skip out on father day gifts on year.. Last year they made up for it. But youknow..after a while...the scars are left and you just cannot forget..so as much as he loves his kids. He also resents them.The key is to not let it control you. Tell you husband...he wants to give extra?? not your money...tell him to go work more and give if he wants to do that. I make sure the bills in our household, food, rent is taken out first...anything else he will have to manage what is left... Its sad but that is reality. You must talk with your husband. Spell it out onpaper..ihave a book where i write all the bills coming in and how we split it inour household. He must pay his share....your not a bank account.Sure you support your husband....but not his exwife! NO WAY!... I made sure my finances would be separate...so no money goes to his ex or actually his kids. Unless i want it to. By my own accord..not be forced. This is why you feel resentful. Because he is taking your portion to cover his butt from ex and his kids. No way...i would never allow that. Dont care if the kids hate me.....woldnt' want anyone around me who hated me anyways...so no loss there....lol I'm lucky that my sk dont hate me..but i do wish were closer..but thanks for mom..that will never happen.

I am in the same situation. It’s New Years Day and I am lying here depressed. My adult son came to temporarily live with me and my new husband of 2 years about 7 months ago. He asked and my husband said yes. My husband decided not to charge him rent or anything, even told him he can eat what we eat, wash clothes, basically our home is his home. We have a written agreement which we all signed. My son takes out the garbage and cuts grass, clean his room & bathroom. He’s making plans to move back out as agreed. He has savings. Is my son perfect? No, but he is not disrespectful. Other than not walking around the house naked, nothing else has changed in our marital relationship. My husband took it upon himself to step in as a father to my son and even asked my son if that was ok. His biological father…didnt do his job and has no real relationship with him. My husband and son get along fine. However i know my husband is faking it. If my son makes one mistake or forget something, my husband is very critical and judgemental. He complains to me telling lies about my son and says hateful things about my son. i love my husband but this is unacceptable to me. i am beyond hurt and angry. My son doesnt even know how my husband really feels. What brought to this post…my husband thought my son had left and left the door unlocked at 2am. My son was actually outside. Anyway all i literally said was to tell him and immediately he accused me of coming to my son’s defense and starts going off. I am confused. If someone does something wrong or forgot something, isnt the natural thing to do is tell them? What did I say wrong? There is so much more I could say to paint the picture of everything that has gone on. I dont want a divorce but this is too crazy!

All of the posts on this thread made my head ache. I am a step mom. But before I was a step mom, I raised three children (as a single parent for many years) and I was in my ex's three children's life for seven years. (we never married but their mom saw them, maybe once a year) So, I can see both sides as a step mom AND bio mom. My son also had a step mom and I have a step mom as well. First, I would say that if dad doesn't spend much time with his first child when you were just dating, then it should have been a clue before you married him and then had another child with him. He does not sound like an interested parent at all, regardless of how involved he says he was the first time. His actions in your presence when he was BF speak volumes about his desire to parent. Second, you have a choice to build a relationship with his daughter or not. There's no need to resent HER. She didn't choose to be born, she didn't choose to have a disinterested father, she has NO choice in her living situation. I would also disagree that you should resent your DH because you KNEW he didn't spend time with her, yet you still married him. YOUR BAD!! Not his. Third, if she has a problem with you, it is most likely due to her dad (which I'm sure she wishes he paid more attention to her) paying more attention to YOU and now the new baby. It's normal in an intact family when a new baby comes along that the older child might feel jealous. Befriending her and letting her "help" with the baby might make her feel a part of the family. If she is following you, she sounds interested. One thing that I have not seen addressed here (and I'm fairly new to this forum) is feelings toward the child based on the other parent. My SD looks & acts like her mom, which kinda makes it a little harder to get along sometimes. That is something you have to acknowledge if it's a problem and then work on separating it mentally. I do realize it shouldn't have anything to do with it and I do remind myself all the time that she's not a mini version of her mom. She acts like her mom because children model after their parents. And I guess if you dislike the other parent and that child reminds you (or your spouse) of the other parent, it can cause problems. And lastly, we all think our new babies are "perfect" and in a way, they are. That is, until we screw them up with our baggage and issues. If your child grows up with a mom that can resent a five year old for existing, then that WILL affect him. That is his sister whether you like it or not. He will resent you if you damage that relationship. Your husband may or may not care about his relationship with his daughter but if he does care and you are the reason she gets out of his life, HE may resent you too.

No one here is being cruel or not thinking about the child. They are thinking about the realities of life in general and how this child has already been dealt a blow by his bio-parents. There is a saying among step-parents that you cannot care more than the bio parent does. This isn’t meant literally, because, sure bio-parents can be off-base with their own children, and a step-parent can literally care more about someone else’s child than that bio-parent cares about their own. However, speaking figuratively, if a step-parent cares more than the bio-parent, they will be accused by all—mom, dad, professional counselors, society—of mega-overstepping their bounds. Plus, legally they have no rights to this child whatsoever. And, in this case, neither HU-249048672 nor her husband have any legal rights regarding this child. Those rights, by law, only apply to bio-mom and bio-dad. The one exception would be if bio-dad gave up any rights to his son whatsoever and step-dad legally adopted him. Step situations can and usually are very complex. You have no legal rights as a SP. The court and society as a whole heavily, heavily favors the bio-parents, and especially BM, no matter what mud slinging or accusations are being made. Society tells SPs all the time we need to mind our own business; that is, until the bio-parents start messing up big time. THEN, all of a sudden, any and all burdens are placed on our shoulders and we are supposed to suck it up and take it for someone else’s child when the bio-parents aren’t even willing to put in much effort for their OWN child. You mention this particular child, that has two parents already, the bio-parents. You imply that ex- step-father may already be some sort of father-figure to this child, so, what does that imply? HU-249048672 is supposed to give up her life and her own children and toss that all aside to deal with a child who is rude, demanding and otherwise petty and with a BM who appears to be into Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) big-time! I don’t think so. Don’t judge. The bio-parents already messed up the kid. That is THEIR burden to carry. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix bio-mom or bio-dad or any of their children. It is not a step-parent’s responsibility to fix a family that has been broken for years. What? Bio-mom and bio-dad get to screw around, do whatever, shirk their responsibilities, and then the step-parent, who probably already has another family or two that they have to take care of, is supposed to step in and take all of the risk, including any of her own children's stability, to “save” this family too? And, then, you know what step-mom or step-dad’s Thank-you is going to be for all of that? To be told by everyone on this planet that they are intrusive and over-reaching and need to mind their place. SKs will think the same, even as adults, and want little to nothing to do with step-mom or step-dad. None of this, “It’s for the child’s sake.” The bio-parents already put a dagger into this kid’s heart, it sounds like. A step-parent cannot care more than the bio-parents. That is all there is to it. If the child was #1 in the bio-parents’ lives, they would have stayed married and sucked it up and took it for their OWN children vs. divorce, remarry, and then expect their spouse to suck it up and take it for someone else’s children.