I'm not sure from what little you posted exactly what the kids ar doing. I assume they are not telling you what to eat, wear, and what you can or can not on a daily basis.

Are they just there all the time? Balancing your checkbooks and telling you what you can spend money on? Borrowing money? Telling you where or when you can vacation? Yeah, I'm stretching here, but I'm trying to see what it is that you are resenting so much and what dad is allowing to to get away with. And you're right on that point, if dad is allowing/encouraging whatever it is, dad is the guilty party here.

excatly, agree with justmetoo, just be more specific, I had specific issue with SO when his DD28 insisted we spend every vacation with her, due to SO limited vacation days we ended up never ever having any vacation time unless his adult DD is with us. This was a specific issue that i asked help for. But you didn't say what is exact issue with SKs. We can't advice anything unelss we know what do they do?

OK. Here's the thing. We are in our 50's. He has 4 grown children, I have 2 grown children. He is in construction. He is the family guy to call when you have any type of Fix-it problem. This is fine but it has become an expectation and not appreciated. For instance last weekend we decided to go to a matinee movie. We shut our phones off because we were at a movie. We were available via cell on the way to and from the movie. However, for about 2hrs and 20 minutes we were enjoying a film. When we got home his 25 yr old son who lives with us and goes to college met us at the door. "Where have you been" he demanded. Then he went on to tell us his sister had bought a burglar alarm and was trying to reach us to get in installed and that we had better call her back. My husband who is passive aggressive said OK and proceded to not call her back because that is what he does when he doesn't want to do something. I disagree with this because I think he should just tell them if he doesn't feel comfortable doing something. Then on Sunday SS came in and wanted to know if we called SD. Dad said "no not yet". SS called SD and said very arrogantly "hey, did dad call you back?, well I have him here right now and he WILL talk to you" and handed the phone to his dad. I was very insulted by SS treating his dad like a child but bit my tongue as I was not directed at me. I found myself seathing over it the rest of the day. It makes me resent my husband because he does not draw lines with his kids. He should have called SD back and told her he didn't feel comfortable installing a burglar alarm in a rented house. He had good reasons, it requires a permit, landlord approval and an appropriate license. My husband only does work he is licensed to do or he could loose his license. It is understandable and he should have explained it to her. He also should have explained to his son that his arrogant and disrespectful tone is unbecoming and will not be tolerated. This is one example of many. I could go on but I think this gives you the picture. I spoke to SS 2 days later after I calmed down. I told him that his dad might not have a problem with that behavior but that I found it disrespectful to his dad and hurtful to me. I also told him that I would never allow my grown children to speak to his father or to me that way. Glad I got it off my chest but I still feel resentful to my husband that I always have to be the "hammer". I have tried over and over again to explain to my husband that he shouldn't be afraid to speak to his kids. That when he avoids telling them something they think of him as incompetent but if he would just speak directly to them they would understand his reasoning and if they didn't agree at least they would know why he wasn't doing something. I am constantly put in the position of explaining or denying and explaining things. This does not help my relationship with his kids as they see it as if I boss him around. I do not. I never tell him what to do. However, I can understand how it would look that way. I used to wonder why such a nice, caring, Christian, harworking man would have been divorced so many times. Now I know. I don't want to be the next marital casualty, men like this don't grow on trees. I have to change my tactic somehow. My husband gets defensive if I try to talk about it so disengaging and going to future movies with my mom instead of him is tempting; but I know it won't fix the problem.

I'm sorry I can't offer advice except to say I feel your pain. This is exaclty how SS30 talks and treats my DH & also about the same as he reacts. Only it goes so far as him defending him no matter how the behavior. It's awful , but according to him his kids are perfect. So much so that I was pushed out of our home since SS was so "uncomfortable" having me there.

Best of luck to you, I don't even know what to say except I'm sorry. I thought my situation was kind of extreme but I guess not.

~Cat

postergirl,

You have a DH problem and he has a child problem. You are not slaves to these kids, especially since they are adults.

Did they get in the habit of your DH being Johnny On the Spot when they were younger, the divorce was fresher, and he was playing Disneyland Dad (or in his case, Bob the Builder Dad) and now they still expect that?

My husband allowed a lot of disrespect to be aimed toward me by his adult kids for years because he didn't know how to be in the middle and was afraid to make them mad at him. I absolutely hated that phase and it made me dislike the skids. But, what I had then was a HUSBAND problem. Things have improved but only after a lot of drama and hurt feelings. Things still aren't really right, just better.

It's your DH that you need to talk to about this.

Oh, my. I'm rather surprised dad has not ran and hid from all of you. You all have having a power struggle over how and what dad should do and be.

I think you hit it yourself when your second post suggest you should disengage. You can't 'fix' it because it is not yours to 'fix', and what I see from your postings is you resent your husband because you can't respect him and you can't respect him because he is not respecting himself.

It's an issue that dad has to do for himself, but you can't make him, and no, you should not be the 'hammer'. You are double talking also and therefore my suggestion is to stand back, review, and yeah, change your tactic.

You're saying to us that you don't tell DH what to do and in the next breath tell us how you have told him and told how what to say, think, do, handle.

Dh has seem serious issues in dealing with his kids, but you can't do it for him nor badger him into doing it the way *you* want him too. The 25 year old was indeed wrong to do the phone business, the daughter was indeed wrong to expect dad to drop everything and come running at her beck and call, but dad has to be the one who is either pointing this out to them or ignoring them. Not you.

You know, DH is defensive when you try to "talk" to him about things and likly because you really are not discussing it with him, you are telling him how it should be, what he should do, say, blah blah.

You can't change what DH does not want changed. I will assume that dad and kids pretty much had this same relationship and the manner it is long before you came into the scene. What was it that drew you to this gentleman and his family that is different now than it was then? I bet DH was the same then as he is now only now it is intolerable to you because it didn't change after marriage or get 'fixed' just because you insisted it should.

Okay, best advice I can see is counseling for you, your husband, and the two of you together if your DH is willing.

Good luck to you, you're living waaaaayyy to stressfully, go see that movie with your mom and relax a bit, and think about what you can do to really help make the situation better. Lecturing the Dh, correcting the adult kids as if they were small children, none of this is working and it does not seem to be appreciated by any of them (DH/kids).

Unfortunately you can not make your husband stand up for himself. And when you do it then you become the bad guy to his kids. I know it is hard to watch, but maybe you should just leave it alone. If he wants to let his kids run him then you can not stop it. All you can do is watch the train wreck. If his kids demands interfere with your plans then stand up to him for yourself. Don't say things like "well because of your kids we can't go" etc. Word it more like "we had plans and I do not appreciate them being cancelled".

Good luck!

"It seems to me that adult children of divorced parents are mostly manipulative".

I know plenty of adults whose parents are divorced and they are not manipulative at all, in fact many members of this forum come from broken families yet they don't appear to be manipulative. it is stereotyping.

Would you still call it stereotyping if I rephrase the statement by adding the word "young."

"It seems to me that young adult children of divorced parents are mostly manipulative".

still stereotyping and generalization, I know plenty of young adults from divorced families and they are not manipulative. what you said is no different from: blacks are mostly xyz, Jews are mostly xyz, all men are xyz, all. it would be more reasonable to say: some young adults, or young adults that you happen to know are manipulative.

Here's the thing finedreams ... the words "It seems to me" declares this is my opinion. And it does seem to me that young adult children of divorced parents are manipulative.

As a matter of fact, you seem to have been manipulated by an adult child of divorced parents ...

" ...his DD28 insisted we spend every vacation with her, due to SO limited vacation days we ended up never ever having any vacation time unless his adult DD is with us."

Cut me some slack. ::GEESH::

of course there are adults young or not of divorced parents or in intact families who are manipulative, but those are specific adults that I know or you know, not in general. Like it would be wrong to say that SMs mostly hate their SKs just because some do.

finedreams:
It's wrong to take "postergirls" post and minimize her situation because you don't like my opinion and feel the need to correct me.

My words stand regardless ...
"It seems to me that young adult children of divorced parents are mostly manipulative".

well i have to say i have been looking on the internet for days trying to find someone with a story even close to mine... most of what i see is people writing giving the advice of how i should deal with the level of disrespect commming from an adult skid because of the delecate situation... i would like someone to help me figure out how to at least talk to her no matter the outcome. I really think that it can get worse but hopeing for a " meet in the middle" kind of ending..

She is 18 .. soon to be 19 and moved in with her father after living with mom in a diff state, after some very clever manuvers on her part , she came for a visit and then refused to get on a plane to go home by thowing a tantrum at 14 in the airport to the point they told her dad she can not fly in that state ... so she got to stay, got away from mom and rules , her stepdad who she said was so mean to her she couldent stand it... but according to her big sister they got along great... so anyway her ather and i have been dateing off and on for about 6 years now.. not your typical relationship, but everything was good.. with her i think the crap started when her older sister came to live there as well.. i also have 2 childern young, 6 and 11 now , she blames me for everything, her dad was looking so hard for a new start in life after his 2nd marriage ended, i have to say he made some horrible choices when it came to handling her living here, ne missed her growing up, got sooo used to her dad being the cool dad they visit, and miss when they were apart. now she is not only disrespectful twards her dad , but has started writing hate letters to us both because she cant talk to us... this has been going on for mo. He did not take me to Christmas dinner at his parents house because she said she wanted it to be just familey no otsiders, and she would walk out if a came... so he did not take me and she brought her boyfriend and then spoke no more then 5 words to him all night... now before you think i have made this happen... i did only what i had to to be there for her, him , her sister, my childern.. most of what she writes is about her dad , and his bad choices, he gave up everything in order to have her move up here, a job, dropped out of parimedic school , off the fire dept, and even turned down promotions in the military to keep her the the same school.... he told her he has created a busy life for himself because it was just him, but she insisted this is the life she wanted.. now claimes he was not there for her... was a bad role model, and now that she does not NEED us to do everything for her, she is being horrible to the both of us. The grandparents much rather sweep it all under the rug, cant believe there sweet little grandaughter is acting in this manner and want to know what it is her father did to upset her so much.. In my family we would sit around the table and have it out.. open conversation, be able to defend stories told by one another, let the truth come out... this is what i would like to do , i dont want to spend 5 more years with someone that is going to only resent our relationship further down the road because his daughter who has her own life is controling his, my kids rely on him , he is a good rolemodel for them, better then their own dad, who when he has time visits and pretends to give a hoot when it matters. I know this is a sap story, but im tired of being the excuss when she needs an outlit, someone needs to find out what is really going on whith her, and if im going to ruin our relationship being in his life then at least i want to be able to defend myself againt the things she says about me, my BF , my children, and if we get past all this I dont want to have to explain myself or for him to have to stick up for me against his family because of 1 persons misguided opion of her " horrible life" that has been in reality filled with love and a silver spoon and plater. so do i keep being a doorstop ?? or do i push for a sit down?? resolve ( at least try) or let it play out and let her disrespect her father and I. Children need to know that a parent is a parent, its just hard for him because he has made it ok for them to treat him anyway they plaese in fear of upseting them and worried about the relationship souring , but they are not childern anymore , and need to be talked to like an adult... i dont know .. im rambling... help!!!!

I feel for you for the situation you are in. Blended families are rarely easy (shucks, even biological families are complex). May I suggest that you try to take a step back, and assess the situation for what it is. What makes you happy in the relationship? What makes you unhappy? Are you and your partner willing to work through the issues (kids grow and leave). What do you really want....make sure your basic needs are being met. All relationships go through hard times, no pressure, no diamonds. I try to see the good...after all, its the good times that led you to where you are. If the situation seems unresolveable over the long-term, you have a decision to make. Only you have the key to that decision. We are on here to support you regardless!

Please note, I have been on here long enough to see a pattern of toxic users. Try not to take to heart what sylviatexas or EmmaR offer for advice. I believe they are genuine, but they appear to be man-haters that only see black and white. Take it at face value, they often have good points. Just know we all don't see things that way, there's a million shades of gray :)

Good luck, follow your heart.

:) Bess

Wow Bess, isn't it great you have a "one size fits all" answer that also includes a slam of other posters?

Butterfly, I think you need to have a discussion with your partner. He needs to know you are not faring well under the current system and you need to decide (and tell him) if a continuation of this will prompt you to break off the relationship. Certainly if no changes are made by either of you then things won't change.

Your partner needs to decide if he wants to stay with you in a happy relationship, and start calling his daughter on her poor behaviour, or if he wants to be a lonely doormat for her.

Whether he is a good role model for your children is immaterial, his daughter is not one (and they must surely see her mistreating her Dad and getting away with it) and living with a stressed, unhappy parent is also not good for them.

I feel your pain so much. My husband has 2 kids and I have 3 from previous marriages. I do not allow my kids , who are 22, 21, and 19 to disrespect my husband or myself in anyway. However his 22 yr old daughter is allowed to repeatedly disrespect me. I love him so much, but it gets to the point that you lose respect for them over it. I have a question on how do ya'll go about handling when your sd comes to your house with their boyfriend and takes showers with them? This bothers me very much and I have tried to talk to my husband about it, but he says its saving water and electricity. I find it very disrespectful. It is one thing for them to come and visit and sleep in the same bed. I feel like them taking a shower is just completely disrespectful. Any suggestions on how to handle this or am I fighting a losing battle.

You are fighting a losing battle, if your husband doesn't see a problem with it.

Assuming that your husband has at least part ownership of the house in which these showers are taking place, he appears to have the upper hand. His house - his daughter (who is an adult, after all).

To be honest, I don't see why it bothers you.

Omg! I have been looking for a page like this. My husband and I are going through it now with his 2 adult daughters( the Parent Trap). They are twins and they know how to manipulate him. I have 4 kids of my own. The twins have been in my life since they were 11 and now they are 21. My husband had custody of them before their mother passed away. I had to show them how to be clean young ladies.When I did for mine I did for his girls. Always doing family things always. Well they need an academy award because they played their roles. From day one it was disrespect. We had a family meeting and laid down the rules in the house. Things were good from time to time. The oldest at 15 asked her dad can she go to a beach party sleep over and boys would be there. We both agreed no. But the day of the party he let her go. Another time. 17 years old after prom she wanted to go to San Antonio with her boyfriend over the weekend. I definitely told him no and we were on the same page. Night of prom she rolled out for the whole weekend. they went to college and we decided on $450-$500 computers for them. Oh no they wanted 1100.. dollar apple lab top. Hell to the no. We don't have it like that people. Dell- Hp is just fine. I explained it to them no way. He got it for them and didn't tell one of the twins threw it in my face. I am beating a dead horse. Long story short I know we will never or never have been on the same page when it comes to his children. I never let my kids run over him, demand something we can't afford from him. I can go on and on about this weak man. Put your foot down, he doesn't know how to. These kids only call him when they need something. It makes my girls so angry at his kids because they take their dad granted but he allows it. It's hard when you have to deal with disrespectful step kids. I am ready to leave this marriage because nothing is going to change with this man. He can have his Parent traps, this is not worth my peace of mind. He can be a lonely man by himself.

I an having a problem with my bf’s adukt daughter and her 1 and 4 year old who live 2 hours away. She demands that her father who kives with me, my 16yo son, and 90 yo father take the kids for 4-7 days at a time so that she can party with her friends. This has been a disaster as her 1 yo cries nonstop for her which disrupts everyone else in the house. The other day i found out that my bf had agreed to take his grandkids for a week without even mentioning it to me. This time i spoke up as I am undergoing chemotherapy and don’t feel that I can physically deal with 2 young kids for so long. Also, my bf has not been adding much to the household financially and he would have to take a week off of work. I think this is asking too much of us. When I said so all heck broke loose. His daughter had a full blown fit in my house, cursing and calling me names, crying, and threatening to keep the grandkids from my bf who of course then started begging for her forgiveness. I want an apology from her for being so disrespectful of me but my bf just makes excuses for her. Am I wrong in any of this?

I am dealing with a 13 year old stepson that has pushed me to the point that I absolutely DESPISE HIM!!! I feel so guilty for feeling like this!!! He is spoiled and entitled and he goes out of his way to disrespect me and speaks to me like I am just a pest living in HIS house. He keeps arguments going constantly between his father and I. He comes in our bedroom and goes through my dresser drawers and takes my socks, clothes, anything that he feels like that he wants and he says that everything in this house belongs to him because it is HIS house. His dad told him that this is his house one day when he grows up. By him saying that at some point, the kid assumes that this is his house! Nevermind that I pay the Bill's and cook, clean, buy the food that he eats etc!! When I say anything to his dad about it, he defends the kid and says that I am always on the kid about something. In fact his father encourages and laughs about his son treating me like garbage. He says "hes just joking with you" and "that's just how he picks and plays". The kid knows what he is doing and he is so disrespectful and continues because he has no consequences for anything that he does wrong. He stole my bank card a few months ago and spent $140 on his xbox game. When I discovered it, I told his daddy. Within an hour the kid was playing on the xbox. His daddy said "it's ok, he will pay it back". No consequences!! The kid busts up in the bedroom when he feels like it when I am asleep. I swear I have said that I am gonna start sleeping naked, that will maybe teach him. He is always saying things about his mother and how his dad will never get over his mom and will always love her etc etc!!! He is always involving his daddy in his mother's business!!

I swear I have tried and tried and tried to have a positive relationship with this kid but it's impossible. It is making me despise him and his daddy for being so enabling and letting the kid treat me like he does and talk to me the way that he does!!! It is on the verge of my packing and leaving!! A person can't take but so much!!!

HU-494281645 (this would be so much easier if you would choose a posting name, it can be anything you like), if it's your house and your bf contributes little but chaos and disrespect due to his family, then you need to cut this bf loose. He is taking advantage of you and so is his daughter. Don't you deserve better than this, especially as you have some major health issues to deal with? Kick him to the curb and stay single until you find someone who really IS a keeper.

I have been waiting to see a post like this! I have been in your position since i met my husband. Im so fed up that I am resenting him more and more. It is totally his fault that his 2 now adult boys are the way they are. No rules for them and he wont say anything when they break my simple house rules. He sees them do it and then actually spins it around with a positive comment as to act like it was ok and clearly they both know that it is not! He bitches later to me but its just an act to appease me. He used to yell at my son for every little thing …. and when he was angry at one of his boys for something he would take it out on my son. Its like hes intimidaded by his own kids. I see all his actions towards them and its the biggest ass kissing ive ever seen in a parent . He is also hypocritcal with everyone elses children with his comments about them being spoiled etc. When they visit he has to mark the best spot on the driveway for them. Noone else counts! They come over and stay for days like its a bed and breakfast while my poor daughter is doing everything. They just get up from the table after a meal and sit on the sofa …. not even bringing their dish to the sink. My husband watches and is afraid to say a word! We talk about it when they leave and he says he will say something to them but its so subtle they dont take it seriously. I dont even want to have Christmas this year but its not fair to my kids. My husband and i are in our 60’s and its getting harder to do all this entertaining. This last visit I refused to do dishes every two hours .Needless to say my husband slaved over the stove and sink for the entire weekend. He makes sure his son has three meals each day his son or sons are here visiting. When my daughter and boyfriend are down he’s not so concerned about catering to them . I have to open my mouth and ask what we are doing for a certain meal. My daughter is the youngest and doesnt expect us to wait on her so most of the time she and her botfriend go out and get their meals. So i get what youre going through.

Why do you stay with this ass?

Is there hope in this type of marriage? I am going through a similar situation. Some of you wrote your stories 12 years ago, others last year… are you still married? I could use your experience. Thank you

Oh my Goodness, I see that you posted 12 years ago, but this is MY life!!! I can't tell you how much I feel for you. Husbands are supposed to support you and back you and be on the same page with you; at least that is what all the websites and therapists say. Sadly that is NOT what is going on. Not sure what it is -- maybe guilt -- but it's true that often blood is thicker than water, and I know I don't stand a chance against his bio-kids. Having said that, he doesn't react the same way with our own bio-kid that we share, so maybe it is a lot to do with guilt.

For those of you replying to this old post, I can recommend going to Steptalk forums to find a helpful current forum.