15 year old Disrespectful Step daughter
jjw265
17 years ago
Featured Answer
Sort by:Oldest
Comments (18)
Vivian Kaufman
17 years agojjw265
17 years agoRelated Discussions
Dealing with boyfriend depressed 15 year old daughter
Comments (4)Hi Jenn, Wow! I almost could have written this about 4 years ago. Many details are the same: depressed 15/16 year old (that started out cutting herself), then a suicide attempt, and bipolar & borderline personality disorder ex-wife. Eek! You have my heartfelt sympathies so my first advice is DON'T FEEL ALONE! :) and you are not crazy for feeling the way you do. It's hard for the best dad in the world to make up for the possible inherited emotional makeup and the influences of a psycho ex-wife. I dated my boyfriend for 3 years before we got married; after each being divorced once and knowing how hard it is to make blended families work we wanted to be careful. He had custody for 9 months out of the year, the mother had the summers. Most of our problems came to light after we were married. After the suicide attempt the SD stayed 9 days in a psyche hospital for troubled teens. My husband and I were blamed by some of his family and the ex-wife for his daughters problems. Her caseworker at this hospital was horrible as the ex-wife had convinced her we were the root cause of it all and I left in tears one day. Had he not stood up for me to his family I very well may have taken my son and left. But, he did stand up for me and he is a good, good man so we are still together and are now empty nesters. My second piece of advice is counseling - for everyone that will go; you and your boyfriend and especially the SD. But be careful, we had some bad ones during our troubles so make sure you get a good one. Don't be afraid to try another if the first one doesn't work. I guess it boils down to you weighing out what your relationship with him means to you, keeping the welfare of your daughters in mind of course as it seems like they are still young. Sounds like you jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire, so to speak. Not fun. However, kids grow up and (hopefully) start their own lives, so are you better with him or without him? My last piece of advice is pray. Pray and pray some more! Ask other people to pray for you and her as well. And find someone to talk to - a counselor, minister or the like, not just a friend. There is hope. Now at 21 my SD is really growing up and maturing. She has gotten off her anti-depressants and is beating her depression. She has moved away which means she's also far away from her mother who tends to cause problems. We have been taking small steps in the last year to building a new relationship and we are making good progress. Good luck to you!...See Moreproblems with 15 yr old step daughter
Comments (9)Oh my...this is tough...I know what I am about to say may get me some negative comments but I am prepared for them so here goes. If Dad won't set her straight, YOU need to do it. For 4 years I have been a stepmom to 3 while being a bio mom to 2 and I have gone to my DH the entire time begging him to help me hold the stepchildren accountable. I finally accepted last month that it was not going to happen. He is NOT going to step up. He may try for a day but most of what he actually does do is threaten a consequence and will not follow through. Honestly, my DH drives me crazy with his repeat warnings. He asks nicely for a child to clean their room...a few hours later when it's still trashed it's like "clean your room now!" They don't...so he says "I told you to clean your room now and if you don't you are going to be grounded!" They of course do nothing. Three days later he realizes that they never cleaned their room...so he starts the whole process over. When I remind him that he just told them they were going to have a consequence 3 days ago if they didn't do it, he just looks at me perplexed and says "But I didn't tell them yet TODAY." SS11's room is so disgustingly nasty that I worried about him playing and sleeping in there...so I gave up on DH and I laid down the law. This is my house, too. I don't need their room to be spotless but rotting food and dirty underwear all over the place is where I draw the line. BM sees them 4 days a month. DH says them about 30 minutes a day. I am the only thing that is constant in their lives and I'm done with waiting on DH and BM to be parents. So I look like the bad guy. Big deal. I am very lucky that my kids do tend to listen after having to face consequences consistently...so eventually they will conform... Just a few weeks ago I was mega concerned with always looking like the bad guy and my house was thoroughly trashed constantly. I came to a point where I was prepared to leave my DH because he just was not going to change. And forget BM siding with me on the nasty messes they were leaving. She would probably give them a high five for making messes that I had to clean. The day I realized that I had nothing to lose, I wised up and started being a disciplinarian. Things have changed in so many ways. Yea, I'm a little upset with DH that I have had to take over this role but that's okay for now...All 5 of the kids in this house suddenly have a sense of pride in making ME proud of them. I have never heard "Come and see how clean my room is!" more than I have in the last month...and of course they get praise every single time...Because of a change in behavior and meeting responsibilities, I have reintroduced night time snacks (special treat that I used to provide each and every night) and I hosted a sleepover with 3 of the kids friends over...Yes, EIGHT kids. I had 8 kids in my van, driving to the local civic center and to the store for snacks afterwards and kids were sleeping EVERYWHERE but the kids had a GREAT time. After their company left today, they cleaned the house up in better condition than it was the day before... Your SD needs consequences, guidance and tough love combined with praise and rewards for a job well done. If no one else is able to provide this, jump right in and take over it yourself. Of course, get DH's complete backing before you make this change...I had DH"s full support...it was easy enough to get...it meant he didn't have to do it! For 4 years, my fear was that the stepchildren would 1) tell mom on me for being parental and 2) tell mom lies and exaggerations about what was going on. I had to a adapt a "Who gives a damn?" attitude. If BM calls me and says "I hear you went through my daughter's clothes and took away all of spaghetti strap tops" I would just say "Yep. She just turned 14, and can't seem to learn how to wear them appropriately. I got tired of her showing half of her stuff and bending over in public where everyone could see everything she has so I took them and put them away. I also took the jeans that are too tight on her and the ones with holes in the rear end. You have a problem with that?" I have nothing to lose. My option is to leave...or go crazy. The kids NEED guidance and apparently BM and DH are too concerned with being a the "most popular parent." I won't be a pawn in this game because they are only hurting the kids...sadly they don't see that......See Moredealing with mom of 17 year old step daughter
Comments (94)lafevem, I agree. That's why it angers me SO much that they joined a "support" group for step-families. They both use this forum as an excuse to take out their anger on any stepmother who posts questions (looking for support) because they mistakenly view her as the "other woman" in their lives. It's not only unsupportive, it's insulting. And I wish I could say that I respect their perspective, but I don't. I think they are both lonely, angry, bitter, first wives who are taking it out on us because we're just some women on the computer with no face or real name. There's no repercussions for insulting us like there might be if they took it out on the ones actually causing their anger. Don't insult me because you can't blow up your ex and his girlfriend, y'know what I mean? Take a kick-boxing class and imagine she's the bag. Take her picture to the local range and shoot at her for all I care, but stop treating me like I stole your husband and hate my SK. I also think they use the ole "I'm learning your perspective thing" as a cover to be here. If my son was gay and I was having a hard time "understanding" it and wanted to learn where he was coming from, I wouldn't go to a forum and tell all gays that they are wrong for being that way, that it simply isn't "natural", or that God is frowning on them. (Which I really don't feel - I'm just making an example because that's usually the opposing arguments!) I also wouldn't assume that all gay men are hairdressers who wear designer labels and talk with a lisp just because some of them do. I do not appreciate being grouped into some category of ignorant, horrible mothers simply because Cinderella had an evil stepmother. It's just wrong. We are all people with different situations who are hear seeking support and we all deserve that opportunity to be listened to instead of picked apart. Some of us are better parents than others, some of us are better people than others but it doesn't mean that everyone in here is guilty until proven innocent. "to stepping -- no I wouldnt like or defend anyone hurting a child" Kkny: I will take this as your way of saying that I am not like the "other" stepmothers you assume we all are and that deep down, you see and appreciate that I am more maternal than the BM in my SS(s) lives and understand that those boys now have a chance to have the mother they deserve and that they have a better life now because I'm in it. After all, I don't physically and emotionally abuse them (and I won't list everything I DO do for them!) So, thank you for acknowledging this (even if I had to say it for you.)...See Moredisrespectful step kids
Comments (3)same song indeed, jenn. This is intimidation, & you & hubs are enabling it; buying them soda & providing them with a roof is like paying a blackmailer. You *never* get them "paid off". They'll always be there, demanding more & more & more. & screaming is physical intimidation, which escalates to elder abuse. which supports one of my pet theories, that grown men who abuse their nearest & dearest often were overindulged brats who always got their own way, at first by tantrums, then by physical intimidation, then by hitting & punching & terrorizing. I channeled my father on jenn's thread; on this one, maybe y'all can imagine what your own fathers would have done with an adult son who lay around all day & lived off his dad & screamed when he was "asked" to "help....See Morenewbieroselover
17 years agobrass_tacks
17 years agonewbieroselover
17 years agobnicebkind
17 years agoorganic_maria
17 years agordhead1974_yahoo_com
17 years agocoryw31
11 years agoAmber3902
11 years agomaggieporter514
8 years agojediwise1
7 years agojmary54
7 years agoKim Aves
7 years agolast modified: 7 years agoPeter Marik
7 years agosylviatexas1
7 years agoHU-694448403
6 months ago
Related Stories
MOST POPULARHouzz Tour: A Playful Home Drawn Up by 8-Year-Old Twins
Plans for this innovative tower home in Melbourne were going nowhere — until the homeowners’ twins came to the rescue
Full StoryUNIVERSAL DESIGNMy Houzz: Universal Design Helps an 8-Year-Old Feel at Home
An innovative sensory room, wide doors and hallways, and other thoughtful design moves make this Canadian home work for the whole family
Full StoryKIDS’ SPACESThis Designer’s Client Was Her 10-Year-Old Son
What do you give a boy with a too-babyish bedroom when he’s approaching double digits? See for yourself
Full StoryKITCHEN DESIGNGet Ideas From This Year’s Top 20 Kitchen Tours
Smart storage, functionality for cooks and families, vintage touches and lots of personality mark your favorites of 2015
Full StoryHOLIDAYS15 Spectacular Christmas Palettes Beyond Red and Green
Instead of dragging out holiday decorations in the same old expected colors this year, dare to consider these gorgeous alternatives
Full StoryKITCHEN OF THE WEEKKitchen of the Week: 27 Years in the Making for New Everything
A smarter floor plan and updated finishes help create an efficient and stylish kitchen for a couple with grown children
Full StoryMOST POPULAR8 Life-Enhancing Home Resolutions for the New Year
You can take steps to make this the year your home truly becomes a place of comfort and joy
Full StoryDECLUTTERINGYour Clutter-Clearing Plan for the New Year
Tackle these tasks month by month for a decluttering strategy that will really pay off
Full StoryCOLORHow to Use Marsala, Pantone’s 2015 Color of the Year
Pantone digs deep and goes earthy with its selection. Here are ways to make it work in your home
Full StoryDECLUTTERINGClutter vs. Keepers: A Guide to New Year's Purging
Simple questions to get in touch with your clutter comfort level — and figure out what needs to go
Full StorySponsored
More Discussions
birdmom