Sorry to inform you, but stepparents are basically helpless in this situation. This stuff needs to come from mom and dad, and if they're not willing to do it, there's NOTHING you can do that going to improve the situation with her.

Isn't divorced parent guilt a wonderful thing? BLECH... I've seen enough of it to last me a lifetime and then some. I'd like to smack 'em all up side the head. They don't seem to realize just how much they're HURTING THEIR CHILDREN. I don't know that there is anything that you personally can do except suggest parenting classes or family therapy for mom, dad, and daughter.

So, if I am helpless how do I deal with my own well being. Do I just completely ignore her?

Boy, does your experience sound familiar~I'll bet your husband alternates between caving in to your SD and getting all upset and complaining to you about it. Here's a tactic that worked very well for me: I'd listen to his latest rant, and say, "I'm sure you'll decide whatever is best for handling this." Then I'd change the subject or serenely continue what I was doing; that way, you're not hooking yourself into the problem or the solution and you're forcing him to confront his own responsibility for handling the situation. If he insists that you tell him what he should do, just say, "I don't know." I would also never allow my SD to see how much she upset me; that would have given her bad behavior power. The absolute most helpful book I ever read for this was The Dance of Anger.

One other technique that worked for me: I told both step kids that if I got home from work, walked in the door, and found the house, especially the kitchen, a mess (their responsibility to clean up), I would turn around, drive off, and treat myself to a nice, relaxing dinner at a restaurant, instead of making dinner for the family. The key is to be absolutely calm and serious about what you tell them the consequences will be, and then to do it--no continued threats, no giving second chances, nothing. They actually started taking what I had to say more seriously than their dad.

Good luck.

birdmom,
If you have read this forum, you'll see that these dysfunctional people stay that way. If you can't get the family to family counseling, I would pack my bags and leave before I had any more invested. I'm not talking about a few weeks--more like a year or more.

birdmom, your SD's behavior is the result/consequence of the ineffective, or actively harmful, parenting she's getting from her biological parents. If you can't persuade them to change their own behaviors and their interactions with her, and the messages they're giving her about the divorce, remarriage, and your role in the new family, *nothing* will change her. Plus, lots of the nastiness is simply a girl in teenage years. Try to remember what it was like going from being an active subject of your own life, unconcerned with looks/popularity, into someone who's expected to turn herself into an object whose self-worth is defined by the herd opinions of other teenagers. It's terrible what our culture does to girls.

Having said that, I'd also say that you should not be expected to tolerate active disrespect. I'd have to agree with brass tacks, in the final analysis.

Birdmom...it sounds as though your step daughter saw that episode on the TV show Desperate Housewife's ...where the mom actually did drive her son who was behaving horribly, and left him in the middle of no where, to fend for himself.
It sounds as though she saw the show and is parroting that to relatives. I am sorry this is so hard for both of you. I wish better days ahead for you both.

There is nothing you can do unfortunately to remedy the situation. Its up to the bio parents. And is sounds like they are doing nothing! But for your sanity. I know this is hard...IGNORE HER COMPLETELY. Do nothing for her. Do not cook anything special for her. Focus on your marriage. do not clean her clothes. Put a clothes hamper in her room She wants to do things her way. Her room . her stuff. let her be responsible. If she goes to nightclubs all night. Dont rack your brain. She is not your responsibility.Period. My husband just saw your post. And he says at her age...dont give her money. Dont clean her room. NOTHING!!! And at 16 her father should tell her get a job. Or go live with her mother and get out of the house.
Here in canada, at age 16 a child can get a full time job and move out of the house. And at age 18 a parent has the right to throw them out. Its sounds ugly but when you have this bad of a situation...your kinda glad.
I'm sure she has other relatives to live with. You do not need this disrespect. My husbands son is 8 and didn't want to come with us one weekend. He said fine. I'm taking my daughter and you can stay home. Its your descision and your loss.
I dont know how strong your husband is because of his health. But he should be the one to tellher daughter things. Not you. And if she doesn't listen to him. I would ship her out to a relative.

I must say i totally feel all the pain I too have 2 almost 18 and 15yo step-sons. Their mother went out sleeping with other men and their father was a truck driver and home very little while she allowed them to do whatever passified them in order for her to sleep around. I believe in making a child accountable for their actions and when I do I am called a tyrant or diciplinarian by dad, who refuses to accept his kids are smoking pot huffing claiming to have started a gang...and all the other wonderful mischievious behavior. I am close to having a nervous breakdown and all i really do is cry anymore. I hate the fact these kids' parents are far too worried about being their buddies when the role they signed up for was being a parent...so if you do ever find the "cure" please share the wisdom........

Lol! I've been told by my 14 year old step daughter she can't wait until I'm gone permanently. I told her if its so miserable here then go find her real dad and Moloch off him. She asked me if i even pay rent in the house I co own with my wife; because my wife and i have two small children together. Short of sending other teens after her or kicking her ass myself, I just go about my day and I am trying to find counseling services. Her mother is an enabler too. Whatever the brat wants, mom gives it up and will defend her daughters ignorant behavior by trying yo turn things on me and make me out to be the bad Guy. I just laugh and tell her to get her facts together before she opens her mouth. I know my wife would like us all to get along; but so long as she treats her daughter like a princess nothing will change.

Coryw31 - the people that posted on this thread are long gone. Did you notice that the OP posted this in 2006, and the last reply was in 2007?

I'm going through the same thing.

Me too! It's so frustrating. Partners daughter is 18 doesn't like me and only puts up with me for her dad's sake! Well recently her mother kicked her out for calling her lazy and scruffy etc (which isn't far from the truth) I wasn't keen on the idea of her coming back (she lived with us until 16) ran off so she could drink with mum etc. Anyway, shes working earns about 900 pcm. So we asked for 30 pounds a week. (which secretly I were saving hoping to give it back as a good gesture when she'd found her own place) well eight weeks have past, never see her, her dad messages her but very really gets a reply. Today out of the blue she messaged him stating. Erm, what exactly am I paying bored for? Well as you can imagine it's caused a massive debate...

I also have a stepdaughter who is 15.. I absolutely hate her . She has been raised by her father to believe she has a crown on her head

You know, the more research and blogs I go on regarding the
topic of being a step-parent (to children of divorce), the more I think Dr.
Laura was right. Dr. Laura said that
divorced parents should not remarry (nor even really date) until their children
are out of the home.

Just seems to me that whomever the divorced parent remarries
or gets involved with, winds up paying a high price for someone else’s
divorce. When you marry someone, you are
to be connected at the hip, so to speak. Sometimes
this works where the step-children (adult or not) recognize dad or mom’s new
spouse. But, usually the step-mom, for
example, winds up a) having much responsibility for these children with no
recognized authority, and b) becoming the scapegoat simply because it is much easier to go
after step-mom, a non-relative than going after a relative, blood.

AND, I’ve come to understand that there are some with
children who even think that when they remarry, their spouse somehow magically
agreed to be put in that position! I can’t
tell you how many times I’ve read something like, “Oh, well you knew so and so
had children, so now that they are breaking your heart and trashing your home
and making your life a hell, you have to put up with it.” Sorry!
If anyone expected that when they married someone with children, then
there would be no remarriages period.

Which brings me back to my original thought. Maybe Dr. Laura was right. Divorced parents should not remarry (nor even
really date) until their children are out of the home. (Sure, there can be problems with adult
step-children too, but if one thing, disengagement is easier with adults.} Seems like two people can’t stand each other,
get divorced, and the ones to pay the heaviest prices are their children and
the people they go on to remarry. Very
selfish of these divorced parents, in some ways I think.

I got remarried early in 2015, to a lady who has a daughter. I have twin 9 year old boys from a previous marriage. Ever since the daughter got a phone, everything else in the world doesn't matter to her. She will only do something if there is some benefit to her. I am constantly hearing about her from my sons, who do help around the house and have nothing great to say about her anymore. My wife is more of a friend to her daughter....I can tell that because the daughter refers to her mother by the mom's first name many times. The mom has constantly treated me like I should be the one to respect the daughter. They moved into my house where the daughter doesn't help with anything, stays in her room the most part with her phone, yet feels she is entitled somehow to things. I am ready to kick both of them out.

I've had two experiences with people's personalities changing for the worse once they got their foot in the door. It doesn't get any better. Each time, I tried to reason, I tried to communicate, and I got no arguments, I just got no results at all. It was as though I was invisible. They were comfortable, they saw no reason to change, and that was that. By the time I finally booted them out, I had exhausted myself, emotionally, mentally, and sometimes financially . My new outlook is that, if something isn't working, it's better to put a stop to it sooner rather than later. I wish you the best

I hope you put your foot down and have the support of her dad now before she gets to old. Seriously, it only gets worse if its no corrected. i know, dealing with a 28/29 year old bow and she finally moved away but still tries to control her dad and spread leies and hates me and ive only tried ti help her.he just put his foot down with two of his kids and blocked them because of the disrespectful word and hate sent our way. even wished her dad was dead for the second time so she doesnt come to his funeral. i woulnt invite someone that would disrupt anyway. . they burnt those bridges, hopefully for good ir at least till he and i can make them sstop. we are so hurt from thw hate manipulation, stealing and lies they spread. i cant figure out how these people can be so hateful and yet my two kids love both of us and reapect us. and of coarse the toxic adult kids hate them too.good luck , hope life gets better and cuts out the narnarcissistic before she gets worse and grows up .