@ mom 2_4- I am right there with you... my SD acts the same way, maybe a little more independent (in her defense). But the whiny, cutesy, babyish, mouth-breathing behavior and lack of common sense are the qualities she shares with your SD. I feel terrible for how I HONESTLY feel about my youngest SD (7). But I can't lie to myself and pretend everything is perfect when, in fact. it is the complete opposite. All she has to do is walk into the room and I'm instantly annoyed!!! It's not fair to my son or her older sister, who doesn't have that effect on me :( I know that has to sound terrible and selfish. I too clam up so I don't snap. Sometimes I just wish she lived with her mom instead of with us so I could have my sanity (secretly). But their girls would grow up to be just like their BM, which wouldn't be a good thing at all:( SD has the same effect on some of my other family members, where they can only handle her in small doses... that's about the only comfort I have at this point, knowing that others share that feeling... only they don't have to live with her 99.5% of the time like I do ARRRRRG :*( I feel like such a fake!!! I also have a deep-seated issue where I find myself fantasizing about enjoying my son's first accomplishments as if he were the only child in my life. I feel like because I married her father, I am obligated to LOVE her... pretty hard if I can't stand her :( I feel as a Christian, I have to love everyone despite whether I like them or not. My moral compass is stuck on a daily basis, as I struggle with those feelings from the time I get out of bed to the time I get back into bed... I wouldn't wish these feelings on anybody, except her once in a while... you know, "The Mother's Curse" ;) Somedays I feel like I'm going to snap!

I agree with brass tacks in what she asked about. Why your wife goes behind your back and goes against what both have you agreed on. In reality, besides the resentment that will grow in you, she is also making you seem like the 'bad' guy and her the good one on their sides and forming a stronger bond. An illusion for her because her kids are basically manipulating her. i think if you stay, you will have to talk about this. What i dont understand is why your wife doesn't want to talk about her daughters bad behaviour. THe way i see it, its seems to bother you more than her when it comes to belly piercings, late nights, etc..etc. These are not your kids to decipline. Even if she has let you, your setting yourself up. As a child growing up, i resented any discipline coming from my stepmother. And now as a stepmother of 2 kids, i have told my husband and his kids i will not discipline. I demand respect because i give respect to all of them but its not my job to ground them. That's up to their mother and father. This is what i mean about her letting you and making you the bad guy. Let her handle her kids cra*p! Its not your job. Concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Does she love you? ARe you losing your trust? Do you always let her go into your wallet? The kids hate you because you are discipling. Stop it! Let their mother do it. I know you are concerned about them and their well being. Yes they are a package. But there are instructions on special packages and this is what you have opened. The instructions are not being followed. Or they were not written properly between you and your wife. You need to sit down with your wife and discuss some rules and of course your feelings. How is your wife taking it when her kids are leaving the house and blaming you? Is she resentful or couldnt' care less? Very important, please dont take the blame. These are teenagers. Walking hormones with nasty temper tantrums...been there..done that!:) You are not the one splitting them apart. Your wifes decisions are. By going against what you both decided, she is underminding your cohesiveness as a united front. This is bad when it comes to dealing with kids. You must be united. If she cannot do this. Then its time to go. If she cannot correct this...then its time to go. If it doesn't bother her that her kids are leaving and couldnt care less if they like you or not...you can continue but i dont know how you would feel knowing she is like this.

I agree that disengaging is a great idea. The "stepkids" were adults when you became involved with their father so there truly is no reason for him to have any contact with his ex... I'd have to agree with the ex wife in that regard. Of course, there are going to be graduations, weddings & grandchildren so there is going to be times everyone is in the same room & yes, it would be best if everyone could behave like adults & not make those situations uncomfortable... but you cannot control what someone else does. But, on day to day or even holidays, there is nothing you can do about the kids not coming around and you should probably plan things to make your daughter's holidays special. An invitation was offered & leave it at that. As a child of divorce, when I was in my early 20's I had to choose mom or dad's house. Many times I chose the parent that I felt "needed" me more than where I would have the most fun or enjoyment, which was usually my mom. After all, dad had remarried & had his wife... mom was all alone. I wonder if that's typical for children of divorce? Today I am in my 40's and have a great relationship with my dad, but I might have been resentful if my stepmom had gotten involved in my relationship with my dad... I was an adult when they got together & she had nothing to do with my upbringing. As it turned out, she stayed out of things to do with me & dad, but she did make an effort to have her own relationship with me, she didn't pressure or push but she was there & listened when I needed to talk or ask advice. I didn't really learn to appreciate it completely until I was in my 30's. I agree with focus on your child & your husband. The kids, as they mature, should come around. If they don't, it's their loss. Let your husband forge his own relationship with his own kids. Sometimes kids (in their 20's) want to cut the apron strings & don't want to have as much involvement with their parents. I believe if the ex bad mouths you or your husband... the kids are old enough to figure out if there's validity to the ex's claims and if not, they will eventually hold that against their mother. My mom talked bad about dad after the divorce. For a while, I stood by mom out of loyalty but as I got older, my relationship with mom is not very close while my relationship with dad has grown much closer. I'd suggest to back off & not give them a reason to believe anything their mom might say is true.

Run. Seriously. Your GF's parenting style is too different from yours (and I'd say she's going to have some trouble with those children when they become teenagers) but if she wants to raise a pack of hoons you can't really stop her. If you try to it will only result in lots of arguments between the two of you, arguments you will always lose when she pulls out the "they're MY kids, not yours" card and throws it on the table. It won't get better and you will spend years feeling like a second class citizen in your own home. Then you will leave and wish you'd done it years earlier. So do it now.