Holiday arrangements with adult step kids

17 years ago

Ok hear is my question. Is it unfair of me to insist to my husband that his two adult college step kids (SD & SS)do not stay alone at our home on Christmas eve night? We will be 3 hours away celebrating Christmas with my family.

I have offered that the step kids are more than welcome to come and celebrate with us and their step grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The other option they have is to celebrate with DH parents(their grandparents) and their aunts/uncles on Christmas eve because they celebrate both Christmas day and eve.

SD has her own apartment to stay in and SS could stay with her their. Also, their mother lives nearby SD. They have hinted that they are celebrating with their mother on Christmas eve, but still make it sound like they (SS & SD) want to hang out at our house. They are not concrete on their plans and continue to be vague on what plans really are with bio mom.

My thoughts are that they want to stay at our home so their mother can come and see our new home. They can just celebrate at our home when we are away. I dont want bio mom here and I dont want her to see our house. She or the kids do not need to be in our home on Christmas eve when we are away. The two kids should not be sitting at our house alone on Christmas eve anyway, it is not right.

When I expressed this to husband he said I was evil for thinking it. Why are these things so clear to me? Does anyone agree this sounds fishy? I insisted no one will be staying at our house while we are away.

Please give me your opinions. Thanks

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Comments (13)

brass_tacks
17 years ago
Go enjoy yourself and let your step kids enjoy themselves. Don't be checking on them. You get the point.
sunnygardenerme
Original Author
17 years ago
brass tacks, No I do not get your point. I willl enjoy myself and the adult step kids have plenty of other options to enjoy themselves. I have every right to determine who is in my home, that I have worked so hard for, when I am away. This is 1/2 my property and I can check on anyone who is in it.

brass tacks you do not know the history here with the adult step kids. They have never been respectful to me. When they did live with us they took my personal property all the time and when I needed something of mine it was gone. This did not happen once in awhile it was all the time. I am not rich and work very hard for all that I have. These are not my children. I married into this situation with the understanding that once these kids where adults they were on their own.
These kids do not work not at even part time jobs. They attempt to take the easy route and sponge off of anyone who allows it. They lie to their dad all the time. I see them as lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate, dishonest, rude, feel entitled, self centered adults. I do not want them in my home when I am not there to monitor my property and I surely do not want bio mom in my home. Bio mom has all the same qualities as these adult step kids.

I do not see the point or need for them to have to stay at our home. There is no emergency need, safety need, health need, etc for them to have to be in our home when we are away. So whats your take on this?
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What kind of arrangements are usually made regarding visitation? If this is just one of those rare times you will be having the kids this much, it would be worth it to stick it out then look forward to less frequent visitation. I am not in your boat - the opposite, actually. My steps are 22,24,26 and my sons (with DH) are 3, almost 5, 7. My problems arise because DH cannot, and has never been able to say "no" to his now adult kids. He is more willing to have us in a state of financial ruin than refuse these skids anything - and I'm talking luxuries, not essentials. Besides, they are all adults now. I cried a river the other day - told him that I lived for our 10 y. anniversary when we'd finally be able to start worrying about ourselves as they'd be out of college, etc. We have footed every bill for them since day 1. But, our ten year anniversary was spent w/ us barely speaking. His grown DD has been living w/ us for 6 months (supposed to be 3-4, lied to me about discussing the temporary status of the arrangement, she has no boundaries, he won't set any, when I do I'm the wicked witch...etc.) She hasn't offered one cent towards anything - utilities, toiletries, her car payment and insurance, etc. I've had it. So, the biggest problem I've had is my DH and his inability to have his kids show respect to me, our marriage and our space. This SD living w/ us now knows no boundaries (see my other posts for more if you want) When the kids were younger, though VERY polite to the rest of the world, they weren't so great to me. It was largely issues w/ the BM who fed them a bunch of lies back then, years later told the truth, but the damage was done, etc. So, I think what's pertinent to you is asking yourself why the boy is acting out now. Is he jealous of you - suddenly? You said you got along well before. Is he missing his mom and extra clingy to his dad? If so, than this too shall pass. Is the BM "normal" in that she doesn't resent you/lie to the kids/try to poison them against you and your fiance,etc? Is he having some normal growing pains? Hormones? I don't like the cruelty to animals, however. What instances are you talking about? How does his dad view this? If he misbehaves, is his dad on your side or does he ask you to give the kid a break repeatedly? If he tries to discipline him, you've probably got a smoother road ahead of you than the one I had. This isn't much help or what you asked for from me, but I want you to think about the whole picture - the X, her attitude, the kids general behavior and how their dad handles them, etc, before I can tell you to run for the hills or march down the aisle. Life is an adjustment, a series of compromises. Just don't enter into marriage as I did, thinking us loving one another would make all the wrongs right. Take a good, hard, long look at the man and how he handles things and see if you can live w/ that. In the end, though we often spend more time w/ the steps, if we aren't the custodial household, we often go through DH to get things done. You have to see how he will deal w/ stuff and see if you can live w/ that. Also, iron out the kids' luxuries, too. We've had issues w/ cars, colleges (SS transferred to a private college after FR. year) and stuff and w/ his kids' ages, I never dreamed I'd be paying for 5 cars each month.... Good luck, Dana
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I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...
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sweeby
17 years ago
"I do not want them in my home when I am not there to monitor my property and I surely do not want bio mom in my home. Bio mom has all the same qualities as these adult step kids."

And this attitude is coming through very clearly in your position. By not wanting them to stay in your home "unsupervised," you are communicating very clearly to them that you don't trust them, and that you suspect they will do something 'evil' if you give them the chance. Any reasonable person would find that highly offensive, and it will further strain relations with your SKids.

What do you really want from your relationship with them? From previous posts, it sounds like you want them to accept you and treat you with respect -- fair enough. Yet your attitude in this instance is certainly not accepting and respectful of them.

I understand there is history, and that you have your reasons. But a truce has to begin somewhere.
sunnygardenerme
Original Author
17 years ago
sweeby, You are correct, I do want a them to respect me. You have made a good point and I will definitely remember this one.
They are not aware that I do not want them staying here Christmas eve night. DH has just been encorageing them to stay with their bio mom. We live 1 1/2 hours from their bio mom and from SD.
I would be more than willing to let them stay here if they had no where else to spend the holiday. It is suppose to be the night they spend with their bio mom. I do not think on a special holiday, such as, Christmas eve they need to be sitting at our home, so called ALONE.

They will be spending Christmas day and the next day with us at our home. I have a wonderful meal planned with all their favorits foods, special gifts we picked out for them, entertainment of some fun card games, videos, etc. I have spend much time along with DH picking out all the things they like and to make their holiday time with us special. So I do try and do some wonderful things for them and hope they appreciate it.
I truely believe they plan on having bio mom come and stay. I think bio mom is curious how we are living. Maybe she will try and get some more support from us. We already give her $300.00 a month for nothing. She has a job, benefits, retirement, live in boyfriend with a job, stocks/bonds, car, house, etc. Why are we paying her a $300.00 a month?

These step kids should spend Christmas eve with their mother AT HER HOUSE. What are your views on that? All advise both negative and positive is welcome. Thanks
brass_tacks
17 years ago
sunnygardener,
I would have to agree with Sweeby. Or maybe the two just want to spend the evening alone. If you think that it isn't possible to go along with the steps being left alone, then explain how you feel to them. Of course, I don't know how you will be able to do that without saying some hurtful things--not exactly a good prelude to the next two days with them. Let them know that you thought they were going to spend the evening with their mom and that you had looked forward to coming home to a nice clean house that night -- that you had it all planned. If you can't be graceful about it, then I would stay home. Yes, if I were so worried about my things or that the mom would be at your place--that's what I would do.
bnicebkind
17 years ago
A friend was telling us that she had a similar situation, and she and her DH talked to a therapist about it because it was causing her alot of stress. She said that the therapist fully backed her on this, and explained to her DH that this was "their" home...not just his home, but hers to, and that many, many people have strong personal bounderies, and are very uncomfortable with others staying in their home...and sometimes they are most uncomfortable if it is family members, because of the complexities of some of these relationships.

She said that the therapist explained to her DH that "home" is a very personal space, and that she should not be forced, or belittled into having people ( even family...or for some, especially family members) feel entitled to use their home unless both felt comfortable with it. That it was wrong to allow even family to create problems in their marriage. That her feelings on this needed to be honored and respected. And that he should not bully or belittle her into doing something she was so uncomfortable with. But to bring healing to their marriage, he needed to respect and honor her, and care about how she felt. And she would respect him, and accept some of his weaknesses as well.

And so, I am passing this on for what ever it is worth.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
what bnice said.
sunnygardenerme
Original Author
17 years ago
bnicebkind, Well of course I like your response and thanks, however, I will keep in mind all these other opinions too.

I believe DH has agreed that the kids will not stay here Christmas Eve. I hope it stands because SS has frequently not listened to his dad and may, independently, without approval from dad just come and take over our house on Christmas eve. I hope and pray that does not happen.

I was glad to hear a therapist say my feelings and wants should be just as important as the adult step kids. Sometimes I feel like I have no say in anything, yet I work so hard for what I have.

I know we have a similiar conflict/disagreement in purchasing a boat. I have agreed to pay for half of the boat along with DH, but he feels SS and/or his family members should be able to come anytime and just take the boat out as he or they feel. I say SS/his family should have to ask us first if he/they can use our boat. I feel this way, because what if it is a evening I have invited friends or neighbors over for a boat ride and come home to find the boat gone. There goes my plans involving a piece of property I too own.

It just seems as if DH's adult step kids just run the show with everything DH and I own. Yet, they do not go out an earn any of these things for themselves.

Thanks to everyone for the advise. Keep the opinions coming I truely apprieciate all advise both positive and negative. I feel any and everything can only help me improve relationships with DH and his adult kids. Thanks again to all.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
"they took my personal property all the time"

Why would you knowingly let thieves into your home & leave them unattended?
& why would anybody, spouse or not, be offended if you didn't?

I would protect my privacy & my property if I had to hire a security guard for the evening.
sylviatexas1
17 years ago
musta missed the last post, sounds like it's working out.
fleurs_gardener
17 years ago
sunnygardenerme,

I totally 100% agree with you. SD and SS can go somewhere else on Christmas eve. They have no darn business staying at your home when you or their father aren't there.

Who in the hell do they think they are! Please stick to your point and tell DH that he can stay there with them if wants them so badly to stay at your home on Christmas eve. You go and enjoy xmas with your family!

I have never accepted for the step wife to come into my home and god knows how often she tried! She had a home with her husband once; she has no business in the home you share with your husband today. How evil of the kids to even think that it would be an acceptable thing to allow their bio mom in your house. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it and just thinking how disrespectful they are towards you.

You have bought gifts for them, you will be preparing a beautiful meal for them. They can enjoy all of this when you are all there together!

I feel so much for you!
jerseystepmom
17 years ago
I absolutely agree that it is your house and you have the right to boundaries that are comfortable to you. Especially given the fact that they have proven that they should not be trusted. I am in the same situation -- we allowed my 19 y/o SD to live with us on her summer break and she took things from me and lied about it (clothes, shoes, jewelry, pictures...even toiletries!). So, I try to avoid getting into a situation of allowing her in our home when we are not there, but if being subtle doesn't work, I come out and say that I am not comfortable with her in our home alone -- and given our history, who can blame me?!

I understand we need to honor the bond with their father, etc. etc., but we ARE entitled to protect our own boundaries -- even if they seem insecure or "evil" to others. And there is nothing evil about thinking that someone who stole from you in the past will do it again -- it is just facing that fact that Daddy's little girl may not be the sweet little thing she was when she sat on his lap 15 years ago....and your husband needs to remember how his daughter violated your trust in the past, and respect your feelings (even if he doesn't agree with them).

And I don't agree that you should stay home -- you are entitled to celebrate the holidays as you wish...and you are entitled to have your personal space respected. Tell them to come over when you'll be home. And, it isn't like they "need" a local place to stay.....

jerseystepmom
bnicebkind
17 years ago
If you think that he may just come without either of your permission and use your house while you are out of town, you have a few options.

1. mention to a neighbor who is going to be home to call you on your cell if there are any cars at your house.

2. Have the locks changed. if you SS is then trying to reach your DH to find out why the key won't work, you will know that they were trying to use the house without your permission.

perhaps it will help you to relax and not worry about it while you are visiting your family.

It may help you to relax.

Holiday arrangements with adult step kids

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Holiday arrangements with adult step kids

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