Holiday arrangements with adult step kids

19 years ago

Ok hear is my question. Is it unfair of me to insist to my husband that his two adult college step kids (SD & SS)do not stay alone at our home on Christmas eve night? We will be 3 hours away celebrating Christmas with my family.

I have offered that the step kids are more than welcome to come and celebrate with us and their step grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. The other option they have is to celebrate with DH parents(their grandparents) and their aunts/uncles on Christmas eve because they celebrate both Christmas day and eve.

SD has her own apartment to stay in and SS could stay with her their. Also, their mother lives nearby SD. They have hinted that they are celebrating with their mother on Christmas eve, but still make it sound like they (SS & SD) want to hang out at our house. They are not concrete on their plans and continue to be vague on what plans really are with bio mom.

My thoughts are that they want to stay at our home so their mother can come and see our new home. They can just celebrate at our home when we are away. I dont want bio mom here and I dont want her to see our house. She or the kids do not need to be in our home on Christmas eve when we are away. The two kids should not be sitting at our house alone on Christmas eve anyway, it is not right.

When I expressed this to husband he said I was evil for thinking it. Why are these things so clear to me? Does anyone agree this sounds fishy? I insisted no one will be staying at our house while we are away.

Please give me your opinions. Thanks

Featured Answer

brass_tacks

19 years ago

Go enjoy yourself and let your step kids enjoy themselves. Don't be checking on them. You get the point.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (19)

sunnygardenerme
Original Author
19 years ago
brass tacks, No I do not get your point. I willl enjoy myself and the adult step kids have plenty of other options to enjoy themselves. I have every right to determine who is in my home, that I have worked so hard for, when I am away. This is 1/2 my property and I can check on anyone who is in it.

brass tacks you do not know the history here with the adult step kids. They have never been respectful to me. When they did live with us they took my personal property all the time and when I needed something of mine it was gone. This did not happen once in awhile it was all the time. I am not rich and work very hard for all that I have. These are not my children. I married into this situation with the understanding that once these kids where adults they were on their own.
These kids do not work not at even part time jobs. They attempt to take the easy route and sponge off of anyone who allows it. They lie to their dad all the time. I see them as lazy, disrespectful, inconsiderate, dishonest, rude, feel entitled, self centered adults. I do not want them in my home when I am not there to monitor my property and I surely do not want bio mom in my home. Bio mom has all the same qualities as these adult step kids.

I do not see the point or need for them to have to stay at our home. There is no emergency need, safety need, health need, etc for them to have to be in our home when we are away. So whats your take on this?
Related Discussions
Adult step chilren
Q
Comments (10)
dunmoanin, I am so glad i have read your post. My situation is not what you have discribed but i see some similarities. I had a blow out with my husband last week. I understand that men from divorce are stuck between two families...but last week just took the straw for me. I'm lucky , very lucky in one sense because my sd does nto live with us. She comes EOW. BUT she manipulates and tries to hog alot of time from her father when it suites her. IE she is very jealous of her own brother when he spends time with his dad when they both come over. My dh puts her in her place but this jealousy has been there since i'm met her when she was 5 years old. She definitely was jealous when i came into her dads life and he again put her in her place. So in none sense , dad doesn't put his daughter all the time on a pedestal BUT he does favor her above both his sons...which i find disgusting. He does share way too much info...i mean, all daily activity with her on the phone when she phones. She use to phone all the time...but thankfully that has stopped because she is older, in her teens and fights with her dad because he now has opened his eyes. But what happened last week really stabbed me. I have been testing her by telling her about plans ahead of time...and she sabotages them. I only told my dh 2 days ago. I blew up...God help...i've never been so angry in my life and some of the things i said were so vile towards him and his daugther but i just erupted. i basically said that he should marry his daughter and go......i wont say it further...but you get the gist..... i told him she says jump andhe says how high...that he backstabbed me as a wife and friend. He knew we had plans but the dear daugther phones and he promised to take her to lunch and watch her game and dumps all the plans out the door for the entire family for her! Well i told him off , told him my feelings..and also told him to keep his plans wih his daugther and that i would make other arrangments. i slept separatly for 2 nights We spoke, mended...and low and behold she phones again..says someting to him that shocked him and he defended me..and told her to stay at home ... I'm drained....i'm unhappy...not at my husband...but at the events that unfolded. The stupid games...andi todl him last night that i'm starting to hate her, resent her and not care....its building. I wnat to let it go..but i do not trust her and she plays games.....Been taught by her mother , she's influenced by her mother....so there is nothing i can do about it....but i do notsee it gettign any better when she is older. I just see more games...i just pray that my husband keeps his eyes open. He does buckle from time to time. He said he wanted to give a diamond necklace for her sweet 16....keep in mind he doesn't havea penny to his name! He wont give jewellery to me but he wants to do it for his daughter!!!!????? I'm not jealous. Honestly i'm not. BUt i just do not think its normal for a man to share every detail moment of his life with his daugther....he's also pulled back from doing that now as well. But how long will this happen? After reading your story, i just cannot believe you stayed that long and took so much disrespect. I had one incident last week and i made sure he knew exactly how i felt adn i told him he goes down that path, i will be out the door...no lie there! I encourage him to see his kids and be with them....but not to leave me hanging because of sd manipulations. To make him choose between me and her..or now...her and my son. I hate it. I hate the games. Its disgusting me this week and i'm sooooooo upset about this. I really have no interest in seeing her next time. I need a break
...See More
Anyone with Grown Kids and Young Step Kids?
Q
Comments (5)
What kind of arrangements are usually made regarding visitation? If this is just one of those rare times you will be having the kids this much, it would be worth it to stick it out then look forward to less frequent visitation. I am not in your boat - the opposite, actually. My steps are 22,24,26 and my sons (with DH) are 3, almost 5, 7. My problems arise because DH cannot, and has never been able to say "no" to his now adult kids. He is more willing to have us in a state of financial ruin than refuse these skids anything - and I'm talking luxuries, not essentials. Besides, they are all adults now. I cried a river the other day - told him that I lived for our 10 y. anniversary when we'd finally be able to start worrying about ourselves as they'd be out of college, etc. We have footed every bill for them since day 1. But, our ten year anniversary was spent w/ us barely speaking. His grown DD has been living w/ us for 6 months (supposed to be 3-4, lied to me about discussing the temporary status of the arrangement, she has no boundaries, he won't set any, when I do I'm the wicked witch...etc.) She hasn't offered one cent towards anything - utilities, toiletries, her car payment and insurance, etc. I've had it. So, the biggest problem I've had is my DH and his inability to have his kids show respect to me, our marriage and our space. This SD living w/ us now knows no boundaries (see my other posts for more if you want) When the kids were younger, though VERY polite to the rest of the world, they weren't so great to me. It was largely issues w/ the BM who fed them a bunch of lies back then, years later told the truth, but the damage was done, etc. So, I think what's pertinent to you is asking yourself why the boy is acting out now. Is he jealous of you - suddenly? You said you got along well before. Is he missing his mom and extra clingy to his dad? If so, than this too shall pass. Is the BM "normal" in that she doesn't resent you/lie to the kids/try to poison them against you and your fiance,etc? Is he having some normal growing pains? Hormones? I don't like the cruelty to animals, however. What instances are you talking about? How does his dad view this? If he misbehaves, is his dad on your side or does he ask you to give the kid a break repeatedly? If he tries to discipline him, you've probably got a smoother road ahead of you than the one I had. This isn't much help or what you asked for from me, but I want you to think about the whole picture - the X, her attitude, the kids general behavior and how their dad handles them, etc, before I can tell you to run for the hills or march down the aisle. Life is an adjustment, a series of compromises. Just don't enter into marriage as I did, thinking us loving one another would make all the wrongs right. Take a good, hard, long look at the man and how he handles things and see if you can live w/ that. In the end, though we often spend more time w/ the steps, if we aren't the custodial household, we often go through DH to get things done. You have to see how he will deal w/ stuff and see if you can live w/ that. Also, iron out the kids' luxuries, too. We've had issues w/ cars, colleges (SS transferred to a private college after FR. year) and stuff and w/ his kids' ages, I never dreamed I'd be paying for 5 cars each month.... Good luck, Dana
...See More
dealing with adult children and step children
Q
Comments (9)
I wouldn't use the word "wrong", but I would call it perhaps short-sighted and lacking in awareness. You seem to have no idea HOW or WHY the problem between your children, your husband and yourself developed. Why is it that you don't have any insight into this? Have you ever tried counseling or even a good heart-to-heart with any of your kids? have you sat down and pondered what might be underlying their distance? (I'm not presuming you haven't, I am just asking.) The children you gave birth to are too important (and not just them themselves, but to YOU as their mother) to not probe this deeper. By insisting that you delve int the source of the problem, I am not necessarily assuming that your kids have a great reason for keeping their distance from you and your husband. Their reasons may range from completely valid to terribly selfish, or --if they're like most people--- some combination or somewhere in between. They would certainly not be the first children of divorce in blended families to have such mixed feelings, or to find it hard to connect with their role in the newly blended family. They also wouldn't be the first to have some unresolved anger, or an attitude about it, not necessarily because you or your husband have done anything so awful but simply because of the fact that their family is not what it once was. Often, unfortunately, this kind of deep-seated upset can manifest by the kids choosing ---consciously or unconsciously--- to keep their distance, knowing no other way to effectively deal with feelings they may not even fully recognize in themselves. You are asking for a reasonable amount of consideration from your kids, but I would ask on their behalf for a reasonable amount of consideration on your end as to what their underlying needs and feelings might be. I don't know your kids, but maybe you don't know them as well as you could, either. It's possible they truly are despicable oafs who are no longer worth your time or consideration. But wow, what a thing to say/feel about your own kids. Is that really how you want it? I doubt it, or you wouldn't be on here asking about it. I might also ask you at this point what sort of input your husband and stepchildren have on the matter of your kids. Do they encourage you to explore the issues or seek counseling or literature on the subject of blended families? Do they express any empathy for what it may feel like to have been in your kids' shoes, post-divorce? Are they welcoming when your kids are around? Basically: are they a force for trying to build bridges or do they encourage you to build walls? Again, I am not assuming they are or are not one way or the other... just that this can have a big impact on the cohesiveness of the blended family and either ease or exacerbate tensions and distance...
...See More
ideas to handling adult-step conflicts?
Q
Comments (19)
Eandhlnot in a way to necessarily draw meaningful conclusions A cousin has a child with her boyfriend who is black, but Dude and my aunt absolutely detest each other and always have for whatever reason I dont know, but Im quite sure hes never met my cousins boyfriend, highly doubt hes spent meaningful time around my cousin since she had the baby and if so not when I was around to witness and besides which any response would be affected by his feelings toward my aunt. But there is my SIL who to look at her is blue-eyed blond-haired fair-skinned white as can be white girl but had a grandmother who was native american. As I said, in the past there have been plenty of "discussions" you cant judge people by where they were born what language they speak what color their skin is etc, and, more than once in my presence (and Im not around a lot) SIL has pointed out to him that 1st of all it is becoming more rare for anyone to be "pure" white, more and more people are mixed heritage, in fact she herself is not all white but has mixed ancestry. My observation is that he has basically ignored her; no apologies, no recognition that he has insulted her, her heritage, (and oh btw if my sil, my niece and nephew also), and he has obviously not stopped nor has my mom said anything. SIL or brother never really pushed the issue, and he probably doesnt really take her seriously since she looks white, to him I think thats all she is, but he still doesnt care shes insulted, my best guess is he will not care if he is insulting bf either (although BF is 63" and an athlete, dude is not, is there some guy rule that you dont insult other men to their faces when they are bigger stronger younger faster than you?) Youngest brother said when he still lived at home he had a friend female, black, pregnant, he was really tempted to show up at home with her for the fun of letting dude draw obvious conclusions and watching his head explode. But never did. He thinks I am not properly appreciating the entertainment value inherent in the situation. (yes, but I might still want bf to like me after, there are easier and cheaper ways to break up with someone that dont involve plane tickets and vacation days) (I do know he is joking or I would have to swat his behind even if he does think he is a grown man not still my baby bro)
...See More
sweeby
19 years ago
"I do not want them in my home when I am not there to monitor my property and I surely do not want bio mom in my home. Bio mom has all the same qualities as these adult step kids."

And this attitude is coming through very clearly in your position. By not wanting them to stay in your home "unsupervised," you are communicating very clearly to them that you don't trust them, and that you suspect they will do something 'evil' if you give them the chance. Any reasonable person would find that highly offensive, and it will further strain relations with your SKids.

What do you really want from your relationship with them? From previous posts, it sounds like you want them to accept you and treat you with respect -- fair enough. Yet your attitude in this instance is certainly not accepting and respectful of them.

I understand there is history, and that you have your reasons. But a truce has to begin somewhere.
sunnygardenerme
Original Author
19 years ago
sweeby, You are correct, I do want a them to respect me. You have made a good point and I will definitely remember this one.
They are not aware that I do not want them staying here Christmas eve night. DH has just been encorageing them to stay with their bio mom. We live 1 1/2 hours from their bio mom and from SD.
I would be more than willing to let them stay here if they had no where else to spend the holiday. It is suppose to be the night they spend with their bio mom. I do not think on a special holiday, such as, Christmas eve they need to be sitting at our home, so called ALONE.

They will be spending Christmas day and the next day with us at our home. I have a wonderful meal planned with all their favorits foods, special gifts we picked out for them, entertainment of some fun card games, videos, etc. I have spend much time along with DH picking out all the things they like and to make their holiday time with us special. So I do try and do some wonderful things for them and hope they appreciate it.
I truely believe they plan on having bio mom come and stay. I think bio mom is curious how we are living. Maybe she will try and get some more support from us. We already give her $300.00 a month for nothing. She has a job, benefits, retirement, live in boyfriend with a job, stocks/bonds, car, house, etc. Why are we paying her a $300.00 a month?

These step kids should spend Christmas eve with their mother AT HER HOUSE. What are your views on that? All advise both negative and positive is welcome. Thanks
brass_tacks
19 years ago
sunnygardener,
I would have to agree with Sweeby. Or maybe the two just want to spend the evening alone. If you think that it isn't possible to go along with the steps being left alone, then explain how you feel to them. Of course, I don't know how you will be able to do that without saying some hurtful things--not exactly a good prelude to the next two days with them. Let them know that you thought they were going to spend the evening with their mom and that you had looked forward to coming home to a nice clean house that night -- that you had it all planned. If you can't be graceful about it, then I would stay home. Yes, if I were so worried about my things or that the mom would be at your place--that's what I would do.
bnicebkind
19 years ago
A friend was telling us that she had a similar situation, and she and her DH talked to a therapist about it because it was causing her alot of stress. She said that the therapist fully backed her on this, and explained to her DH that this was "their" home...not just his home, but hers to, and that many, many people have strong personal bounderies, and are very uncomfortable with others staying in their home...and sometimes they are most uncomfortable if it is family members, because of the complexities of some of these relationships.

She said that the therapist explained to her DH that "home" is a very personal space, and that she should not be forced, or belittled into having people ( even family...or for some, especially family members) feel entitled to use their home unless both felt comfortable with it. That it was wrong to allow even family to create problems in their marriage. That her feelings on this needed to be honored and respected. And that he should not bully or belittle her into doing something she was so uncomfortable with. But to bring healing to their marriage, he needed to respect and honor her, and care about how she felt. And she would respect him, and accept some of his weaknesses as well.

And so, I am passing this on for what ever it is worth.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
what bnice said.
sunnygardenerme
Original Author
19 years ago
bnicebkind, Well of course I like your response and thanks, however, I will keep in mind all these other opinions too.

I believe DH has agreed that the kids will not stay here Christmas Eve. I hope it stands because SS has frequently not listened to his dad and may, independently, without approval from dad just come and take over our house on Christmas eve. I hope and pray that does not happen.

I was glad to hear a therapist say my feelings and wants should be just as important as the adult step kids. Sometimes I feel like I have no say in anything, yet I work so hard for what I have.

I know we have a similiar conflict/disagreement in purchasing a boat. I have agreed to pay for half of the boat along with DH, but he feels SS and/or his family members should be able to come anytime and just take the boat out as he or they feel. I say SS/his family should have to ask us first if he/they can use our boat. I feel this way, because what if it is a evening I have invited friends or neighbors over for a boat ride and come home to find the boat gone. There goes my plans involving a piece of property I too own.

It just seems as if DH's adult step kids just run the show with everything DH and I own. Yet, they do not go out an earn any of these things for themselves.

Thanks to everyone for the advise. Keep the opinions coming I truely apprieciate all advise both positive and negative. I feel any and everything can only help me improve relationships with DH and his adult kids. Thanks again to all.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
"they took my personal property all the time"

Why would you knowingly let thieves into your home & leave them unattended?
& why would anybody, spouse or not, be offended if you didn't?

I would protect my privacy & my property if I had to hire a security guard for the evening.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
musta missed the last post, sounds like it's working out.
fleurs_gardener
19 years ago
sunnygardenerme,

I totally 100% agree with you. SD and SS can go somewhere else on Christmas eve. They have no darn business staying at your home when you or their father aren't there.

Who in the hell do they think they are! Please stick to your point and tell DH that he can stay there with them if wants them so badly to stay at your home on Christmas eve. You go and enjoy xmas with your family!

I have never accepted for the step wife to come into my home and god knows how often she tried! She had a home with her husband once; she has no business in the home you share with your husband today. How evil of the kids to even think that it would be an acceptable thing to allow their bio mom in your house. Makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it and just thinking how disrespectful they are towards you.

You have bought gifts for them, you will be preparing a beautiful meal for them. They can enjoy all of this when you are all there together!

I feel so much for you!
jerseystepmom
19 years ago
I absolutely agree that it is your house and you have the right to boundaries that are comfortable to you. Especially given the fact that they have proven that they should not be trusted. I am in the same situation -- we allowed my 19 y/o SD to live with us on her summer break and she took things from me and lied about it (clothes, shoes, jewelry, pictures...even toiletries!). So, I try to avoid getting into a situation of allowing her in our home when we are not there, but if being subtle doesn't work, I come out and say that I am not comfortable with her in our home alone -- and given our history, who can blame me?!

I understand we need to honor the bond with their father, etc. etc., but we ARE entitled to protect our own boundaries -- even if they seem insecure or "evil" to others. And there is nothing evil about thinking that someone who stole from you in the past will do it again -- it is just facing that fact that Daddy's little girl may not be the sweet little thing she was when she sat on his lap 15 years ago....and your husband needs to remember how his daughter violated your trust in the past, and respect your feelings (even if he doesn't agree with them).

And I don't agree that you should stay home -- you are entitled to celebrate the holidays as you wish...and you are entitled to have your personal space respected. Tell them to come over when you'll be home. And, it isn't like they "need" a local place to stay.....

jerseystepmom
bnicebkind
19 years ago
If you think that he may just come without either of your permission and use your house while you are out of town, you have a few options.

1. mention to a neighbor who is going to be home to call you on your cell if there are any cars at your house.

2. Have the locks changed. if you SS is then trying to reach your DH to find out why the key won't work, you will know that they were trying to use the house without your permission.

perhaps it will help you to relax and not worry about it while you are visiting your family.

It may help you to relax.
HU-99543935041
last year
last modified: last year
No. They should not be allowed free reign in remarried divorcees home.

Divorcees often have private information regarding adult children from prior marriage(s.) No step child should have free reign to remarried divorcees home.

Step siblings carry over frought, concealed animosities and as a adult should absolutely NEVER be allowed in their remarried parents home. Private Information from prior children/MARRIAGES within new home of step parents; is often unguarded and easily accessible by "honest" steps, still angry and DECEITFUL to either or both step parents and step siblings.

Especially ADULT CHILDREN COLLEGE AGE or ADULT CHILDREN who have been married themselves or kids of their own(grand kids) should EVER have a key, code, or free reign to access second/marriage grandparents house-home property.

The same does NOT HOLD TRUE TO FAMILIES WHO REMAIN IN THEIR FIRST MARRIAGE. ASSUMING THIER ARE NO ILLIGITMATE KIDS.

##

Having that said. Adult stepchildren ABSOLUTLEY HAVE the right to remove ALL their personal PRIVATE information from a parent's home who is in a marriage outside of there other parent.

##divorce and/or second weddings..down the road facts.Some Steps T- with licensed medical certs.

Name. Birthdate. SS#.Address.Accusation.StateOfficeOfVitalRecords cords

\P.D.✓
HU-99543935041
last year
last modified: last year
Adult Stepchildren should not celebrate on the day of or EVE. THIS TRADITION IS SACRED to first marriages, only. "Steps" give YOURSELF the BIGGEST hug and ditch the divorcees on major holidays 💝.

Jesus forgives ALL, right?! Just not prebruised, Adult-steps.

Jesus is Lord! 👑 of Kings.( & she held her tounge, with marathon of tears)
colleenoz
last year
Wow. What a lovely Christian attitude (said with tongue very firmly in cheek). Didn’t Jesus say that we should also forgive all? How is a divorce any fault of the steps? If you were truly Christian you would forgive, and embrace your adult stepchildren at Christmas or any time.

Celebrating Christmas or Christmas Eve together is not sacred to any particular demographic.

Nasty, bitter people should not embarrass themselves posting online while drunk.
HU-99543935041
last year
last modified: last year
Mm. No alcohol in this lady's home.

Tons of exp. & insight. Legally, regarding who celebrates Christmas when and where within 20+ year: first and only marriage Family, 25 years, precisely.

And yes, he forgives all. Just not grown/blossoming adult stepchildren/stepparents [from elder, wiser—parental benchmark perspective, tounge in cheek—definatley poinent]

Apples from the orchard anyone? Figgy served Outside-C.Limits@SSS, including boundary issuant.

#Youngest2OldestFirst:Period.
##Divorcees&++Marriages:Rearrange &CancelYourPlansOnHolidaysAccomdate#1First
###Reread:OrderOfOperations.Within OriginalF.Unit.

All past [qnty. 2,] current & future ENT calls from @@10-865 deferred by divorcees

tba: STEPdowns{✓}wood staircase{✓}Black carepting contiplated, & purchased.[✓] Falls Resulting Forgiven [tba, pocketbook: waiting room]

reminder bolo: Mrs.StepDivorcees fractured wine crystal awaited adult step, concealed beneath drained sink guard, alongside secondary reach: steeped vinegar inside blended-family coffee percolator, year 1 into Divorcee's Honeymooner Dreamland

[tba, pocketbook: waiting room, future 'shoves' by Adult Divorcees, $$ Repairs-LSCW, S.O., foot the bill]

Truth be told... Adult Step orchard no longer flowers, circa 2016. Subsequently, relo'd out-of-state, reestab. peace, and foothold property. Sans narcs, & nearby adjacent, inadmissible accusation/opinion suited as fact-apostille, streaming frames captured
colleenoz
last year
If not alcohol, what the hell are you on? You have some serious issues, lady.

And there is no legal requirement to celebrate Christmas with anyone, whether the children of a first marrage of whatever duration, or some random homeless people you ran into in the street. You are totally delusional and really need to seek professional help.
HU-99543935041
last year
last modified: last year
Nice vocab—wide reaching

condemnation

*-/\-*

cupable "negligence" [rival vs.] intentional

- Stepdown.ice,→Leer surveillance.alt+26

_______

=====

———

Shoulder *-/\-* Defend Undersigned,

J.Bullock

& with all my heart protect, uphold & respect Int'l law, myself, immediate family, country

~sincerely, with genuine kindness, educate with substance, humble spirit, & kick-rear attorney when I cannot~

———

=====

_______

😊 reading list 😊

SunnyGardenerMe

Holiday arrangements with adult step kids

brass_tacks

Comments (19)

sunnygardenerme
Original Author

Related Discussions

sweeby

sunnygardenerme
Original Author

brass_tacks

bnicebkind

sylviatexas1

sunnygardenerme
Original Author

sylviatexas1

sylviatexas1

fleurs_gardener

jerseystepmom

bnicebkind

HU-99543935041

HU-99543935041

colleenoz

HU-99543935041

colleenoz

HU-99543935041

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Holiday arrangements with adult step kids

Comments (19)

sunnygardenermeOriginal Author

Related Discussions

sunnygardenermeOriginal Author

sunnygardenermeOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

sunnygardenerme
Original Author

sunnygardenerme
Original Author

sunnygardenerme
Original Author