My adult step daughter

allenc_2010

16 years ago

I have a step daughter who is approaching 24 years of age. I met my wife when her daughter was already 20. I never even knew her mother when she was growing up. My step daughter was a fully grown adult in college (living on her own in another state.) She has never lived with us either. And now, she has graduated from college, her mother and I just got married last year, and I although I care for my wife's daughter a lot, the daughter has been putting unbelieveable pressures on not just her mother, but myself as well to continue paying for her needs and wants. She wrote a very upsetting e-mail yesterday to her mother that said among other things "When a man marries a woman, and that woman has a child, the man has responsibilities and obligations to that child to take care of his/her needs and wants. When we all try to tell her she's no longer a child, she's an adult who is responsible for herself, she gets furious! She insists that she is still a child and

that I am being immature by not taking care of her needs and wants, like vacations even! She has even threatened to notify my 75 year old father (who is ill) to talk trash about me! I find her behaviour unacceptable and feel that a college graduate in her mid-twenties has an obligation to herself to take care of her own self. I care about her and love her, but she is extremely demanding, and especially demanding when it comes to money, and expensive trips. Always trying to put guilt trips on us. My own father invited my wife and I on a Christmas cruise this year for example. My father is in his 70's and has a nice nestegg to live out the rest of his life. He is paying the $5,000 per person for my wife and I. We both have agreed to alternate between my family and my wifes during the holidays. We spent last year's Thanksgiving and Christmas with my wife's side. This year it is my family's turn and we intend to accept their invite on this cruise. Well, my step daughter is furious and demands that she be taken as well. (even though she has no money and no job) She has threatened to never speak to her mother again if we go. I have expressed that her mother and I cannot afford to take her and she cannot afford to take herself, so the answer is no. That's when she e-mailed us nasty messages about how we don't meet our "obligations" to her. Her mother paid for everything for her all her life, even the first 2 year's of college, and very expensive spring break trips for all 4 years of her college.When does the free ride end? In HER mind NEVER. Any suggestions on how to deal with someone like this???

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Comments (5)

justmetoo
16 years ago
Manipulative little brat. But it's your wife who must deal with this situation.

You father is totally off grounds and wife needs to tell her daughter so in no uncertain terms. If stepdaughter is unemployed right now and living in another state, who is paying her way through rent, meals, ect now? You and her mother?

Instead of worrying about going on vacations with her mom and you this girl needs to seriously start looking for employment, even if the position she temporarily gets is not up to what ever degree she has received in school. While she is and will always be her mother's daughter, this girl is no longer a child and for her to insist on being one and demanding mom (and you?) support her way through life is immature. No, I did not say, 'let the girl go hungry or homeless' but it is time this young lady stops expecting to be treated as a teen just out of highschool.

How does 'mom' feel about it all and have to say in all this? Is she agreeing with you or is she on daughter's side and wanting to continue to enable the girl?
thermometer
16 years ago
Because you came here looking for suggestions on dealing with this girl, I don't see her as being the problem. Her mother is the problem. Apparently, she raised a selfish daughter, who continues to be a brat with tantrums and all, and her mother still doesn't know how to deal with her. But I think you should back out of it except where she involves your father or your other family members. As far as her threat is concerned, I suggest you be extremely stern with her, so much so that she thinks you are mean and becomes frightened. I'd tell her in no uncertain terms that she will regret for the rest of her life if she calls/involves your sickly/elderly father. Just the idea that she threatened you with this is awful. Have your father change his phone number right away, and let him know it is for his own protection. Give the new number to other family members, but makes sure no one gives it to her.
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Thanks everyone, it is nice to see others see it as I do. That makes me feel so much better, lol. Yes, my husband has heard the remark regarding not being able to love other children as much as the first. And, he made sure to let our little know he loves her very much. He was more concerned being sure she knew he loved her than putting SD in her place. As for her comment about needing someone to pay her bills, my husband did tell her right then and there, everyone would be fine if that was the case. And, told her that isn't how life works. I feel for him because as he said as a parent he wants to be able to say it will be ok, and it will. And, it hurts him to hear her so sad. But, like I have reminded him, she made these choices, and she has to learn how to stand on her own, and own up to the choices she has made. I am holding my ground that she can't move in here, or move into the other house. I know we will never get her out if that happens. And, I refuse to allow her to use our GS any further as a weapon. I honestly feel that is why she had him. Her Dad was finally making strides in holding his ground with her. She wasn't getting her way, and having her son made it where he wouldn't allow his GS to go without. So in turn it was her new way in, using GS to get what she wanted. I do my best to keep our daughter away from her. I do not allow her to take her anywhere. I don't even like her alone in a room with her. I just wish I could figure out how to handle her need to make everyone unhappy. Because truly that is the only time she is happy. She plays this wounded little bird game, to get what she wants. She has been doing this since her parents divorced. And, after many years has almost perfected it, sorry to say. Her relationship with her BM is horrible. And, SD has made it that way to ensure she keeps daddy wrapped around her finger. Her BM may not be the best parent out there, but from what I have seen tries. She had SD (pregnant)and her then BF, (now husband) move in with them for a few months. She gave then downpayment on a house. Paid to have all kinds of work done to make it nicer before they moved on. And, what she got was a daughter that cut her off, wouldn't even phone her when her GS was born. We called her. Then she let her in to help out and buy things she wanted that we didn't get her. Then let the house get foreclosed on and cut her off from her GS. The relationship with her BM and SD's behavior there would turn your stomach. Honestly if I was this woman I would have nothing to do with her. The fact that she tries tells me she isn't that bad at all. Again Thanks! Knowing people that have no emotional investment in this and can give a clear opinion means a lot.
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If he has to work when she's there, ask him to find child care. Forcing you to spend time with her will only make it get worse. I would recommend getting a therapist to talk to about the issues and your husband needs to be aware of your feelings. I was in the same situation and yes, 6 year old's can be very manipulative and of course, any child that has experienced a broken family at a young age is going to seek attention and can have attachment & trust issues. If you didn't have a child with him, I'd say get out. But you do and that is your child's sibling so you cannot shut her out, even if your marriage doesn't work, she will still always be connected to your child. The most important thing right now is communication with your husband and hopefully you have some willingness to establish a relationship with the child. Since you feel the way you do, it doesn't have to be a close relationship but it has to be one that works for your family. That may mean being cordial when you have to be around her but letting her spend time with her dad and sibling so they can have their relationship. I agree with the others that you knew she existed and that she was like her mom when you married him so you really have an obligation to accept her being a part of your husband's life. It's not very realistic to wish for her to go away or not be like her mom. That's her role model and girls model after their mom. Talk to your husband about what qualities she had that attracted him to her. He knows her and made a child with her so she had to have some good qualities and knowing them might help you find a common ground to establish at least a friendship with the child that is just like her. Or you can let it slowly kill your family. I married my husband when his daughter was 7. She was extremely manipulative, lied about me, pitted her mom and grandma against me, etc. I finally divorced her father when she turned 13 (we didn't have kids together) because he refused to acknowledge or deal with the problem. We've been divorced for 3 years & she is now a 16 year old that he can't control. His new girlfriend now gets to deal with it. (but that is because my ex husband didn't take the problem seriously and it's now affecting his current relationship too). The bottom line is to communicate & be a team. If he doesn't have your back (and his daughter's back), then it will only get worse. Good luck.
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susie53_gw
16 years ago
Do not let this girl control you... She is trying to blackmail both of you. You can't let her get by with this.. Mom has to put it to her right to the point that she is on her own now.. I would warn family members that she may be contacting them. Explain to them she needs to learn how to do it on her own. She will never try if you don't force her.. Do not give in!!!!!!!!!! It is the time to show her what life is all about. She needs to earn your own way.. She will be mad but she will get over it. The time is now for both of you and especially her...
yabber
16 years ago
Do you think that the daughter's behavior comes from the way she was raised or does she have some personality disorder?

It's most important that your wife changes her own behavior towards the daughter.

There might be some good books on how to deal with people like this. I'd say /clear terms /strong boundaries /consequences etc, and following through with them are essential. Good luck.
lamom
16 years ago
HUH?! No one has the right to include themselves on a family vacation that the OTHER side of the family is putting together and paying for. Period. This is not even worth stressing about.

It sounds like you want your wife to be happy and this woman, (SD) is striving for her to be unhappy in order to still be financially supported. like justmetoo said, your father is completely off limits and hopefully knows nothing of this ugliness.

If you guys have $5000 to drop on her, then fine. If you don't then you don't and that's it. Plus, she doesn't sound like someone you want on vacation with you anyway. My own parents cut me loose for all intents and purposes when I turned 21 and graduated from college. If they took me somewhere it was clearly a gift and their largesse. I knew better than to expect them to take me along as though I was still a kid.

This girl still wants to be a kid, cossetted and paid for like a child. Hold firm and stop discussing with her to keep your blood pressure down!

My adult step daughter

Comments (5)

justmetoo

thermometer

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