Pain in the ass step daughter

11 years ago

iv been married 2 years and we lived on the west coast together, we moved to his hometown on the east coast and have been here a year and now have a 6 month old together and he has a 6 year old from a previous relationship. I honestly believe I don't like her because she looks like her mother and even shares her mothers dramatic vein selfish attention seeking qualities. Yes she's only 6 but she is so needy and winey and a royal pain in my ass she's just mirroring the behavior of her mom. We have her Friday Saturday and Sunday but haven't got a couple weeks she been at her grandmas. I can't explain how perfect life is without her here. Even when my husband works on the weekend I'm expected to look after her and I just don't want to. It takes a lot of effort and I don't have the patience for it and a teething 6 month old. How do you deal with your step children that mirror their parent that you dislike so strongly.

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jewelisfabulous

11 years ago

You get yourself to a good therapist who is skilled at blended family issues before you ruin a little girl's life (and your marriage when her Daddy realizes that you're a serious threat to his daughter's emotional well being).

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Comments (12)

tfitz1006
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Of course she is needy! Did you not know this was part of the deal when you a) married this guy and b) moved near his daughter?? I have to say, the title of your post makes me lose hope...
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User
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Wow, Guess the vindictive and poisonous step mothers in Snow White and Cinderella were for real instead of imaginary roles in children's story books.

You need to see a psychologist, so does your husband. He needs to find out why he married such a cruel, immature, compassionless and malicious woman.
htwo82
11 years ago
Jesus Christ I'm so glad my step kids don't have an evil step mom in their lives like some of the posts I read on here. She's a child!!!! You're an adult and it's up to you to help raise her! Considering she's 6 and you've been married 2 years, I'll assume you knew you were going to have this role when you married your husband. Even as a step mom, children look to us for (and DESERVE) love, guidance and protection. After reading what you wrote, I can only imagine how poorly you treat this girl - and I seriously doubt she's receiving any sort of positive affirmations from you. I will mirror Jewel and say that you need therapy, in order to save this little girls entire childhood from being marred by your hatred for her and her mother.
wonderinginchicago
11 years ago
Wow these posts are ridiculous! A sociopath is formed at 6 people. Young children do kill and do awful things. This child sounds like she has attachment issues and the only person who can repair that is the bio mom and therapy will only make her worse. This is not the step mothers problem. At all. Refuse to care for her. It's not your job. If the husband is not going to be home, she doesn't come. Period. This is not your issue. The mother and father created this behavior problem and it is up to them to deal with it and fix it. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't. I had two step daughters like this and I understand completely. I stopped when they were 6 and 11 (they came into my life at 4 and 9). It was immediately apparent there was severe behavior problems but I was an idiot like these commenters. The were diagnosed with attachment disorders. At 22 and 17 they are complete train wrecks. We stepped away. I stepped away. The problem is with the parents, not the step mother. And this is a ridiculously impossible situation for the step mother. I will add I had three children of my own and they turned out fantastically. I could have turned out similar results in my step daughters if the mother was out of the picture because she was toxic, but she wasn't and she was their mother and her responsibility. Move on. Not your monkeys. Not your circus.
jewelisfabulous
11 years ago
Needy, whiney, and attention seeking do not = sociopathy. Based on the OP, the behaviors of reactive attachment disorder aren't present either. You're projecting onto a totally dissimilar situation.
imamommy
11 years ago
If he has to work when she's there, ask him to find child care. Forcing you to spend time with her will only make it get worse. I would recommend getting a therapist to talk to about the issues and your husband needs to be aware of your feelings. I was in the same situation and yes, 6 year old's can be very manipulative and of course, any child that has experienced a broken family at a young age is going to seek attention and can have attachment & trust issues. If you didn't have a child with him, I'd say get out. But you do and that is your child's sibling so you cannot shut her out, even if your marriage doesn't work, she will still always be connected to your child. The most important thing right now is communication with your husband and hopefully you have some willingness to establish a relationship with the child. Since you feel the way you do, it doesn't have to be a close relationship but it has to be one that works for your family. That may mean being cordial when you have to be around her but letting her spend time with her dad and sibling so they can have their relationship. I agree with the others that you knew she existed and that she was like her mom when you married him so you really have an obligation to accept her being a part of your husband's life. It's not very realistic to wish for her to go away or not be like her mom. That's her role model and girls model after their mom. Talk to your husband about what qualities she had that attracted him to her. He knows her and made a child with her so she had to have some good qualities and knowing them might help you find a common ground to establish at least a friendship with the child that is just like her. Or you can let it slowly kill your family. I married my husband when his daughter was 7. She was extremely manipulative, lied about me, pitted her mom and grandma against me, etc. I finally divorced her father when she turned 13 (we didn't have kids together) because he refused to acknowledge or deal with the problem. We've been divorced for 3 years & she is now a 16 year old that he can't control. His new girlfriend now gets to deal with it. (but that is because my ex husband didn't take the problem seriously and it's now affecting his current relationship too). The bottom line is to communicate & be a team. If he doesn't have your back (and his daughter's back), then it will only get worse. Good luck.
Southern Summer
11 years ago
Tiny, you do not have to parent your step daughter. You need to be a good wife to your husband and a good mother to your baby. Mom can bring her daughter to visit her dad when he is home, or dad can find a sitter. Forcing a relationship will only generate bad feelings.

There are certainly some malicious bio moms on this site. My husband's ex is malicious, too, but it is easier to avoid all of them now that her children are adults. What works best is compartmentalizing the relationships, and not forcing friendships where there are none. That will also help bio mom to keep from feeling like you are invading her turf, and it will keep you from feeling used.
patty_cakes42
11 years ago
You have what sounds like 'misplaced anger issues'. It's really not the little girl you have the problem with, but her mother. You can be a terrific role model if you make a conscious effort to steer her away from her 'bothersome behavior'. Can you not be somewhat compassionate and tell her you understand why she is upset when she wines and is needy? Were YOU a child of divorce? If not, take the time and try to understand the hurt she is feeling not having both parents together at the dinner table, kissing her goodnight, attending school functions, and maybe even daddy taking her to a movie occasionally.

If you have not experienced what this child has experienced at this young age, you can NOT identify or relate to why she acts the way she does, and you're only guessing she's 'mirroring her mother.' Act like the adult you *think* you are and quite possibly she may change the behavior you *think* is because of her mother.
mckenzieariete
11 years ago
I feel empathy for step mothers as it has been my experience that all the responsibility falls on the step mom but very little authority. My adult step daughter lived in the house with her own daughter and never did anything whatsoever to contribute to the household. I was expected to work full time, take care of the house work and provide financially for the family, yet when I dared to complain that I needed assistance, at least to general tidy up the home while I was at work and she in the house all day, I ended up being the monster. He dad sided with her at every turn until the straw broke the camels back and I moved out. Sadly, my husband and I were so wonderfully compatible that I'm certain we could have made our marriage work. All the other children (4) from both sides were affected, yet for this one adult daughter, who managed to manipulate her father very effectively, all of us were hurt. Unfortunately, unless the couple can stand united, and decide on the ground rules and then both adhere to them faithfully, it cannot work.
wonderinginchicago
11 years ago
You are correct. The step-mom can't discipline or re-parent a child that has been poorly raised or simply makes bad choices. And it should not be the step-mom suffering the consequences of everyone else's bad behavior.
wonderinginchicago
11 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
And btw, jewelisfabulous needy, whiny and attention seeking most certainly can = sociopathy. And all attachment disorders are not RAD. And this most certainly sounds like some very serious personality disordered stuff. I don't know who you are or what your experience is, but I can tell you have absolutely no personal experience or professional experience on this situation or personality disorders in general. Or maybe you're like this bio mom and have used your children as weapons and don't want to accept the consequences of your behavior. If you are sit your kids down right now tell them what you've done, that it was wrong, and work out a plan for reparation.

Pain in the ass step daughter

jewelisfabulous

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