Before you write the book and screen play, do learn what a paragraph is.

Between now and then, your husband needs to grow a backbone. From what you've described, this daughter needs to be cut off unless/until they learn how to be behave. What you've described is not to be allowed. There's no "moving forward" with the current dynamic.

Thanks Asolo, and sorry about my lack in paragraphing. This is my first time on here and I am feeling rather stressed at the moment.

I totally agree that this has to come from my husband. In fact if I didn't know better I would suspect he actually lacked any balls! lol
But time and time again we agree on a way forward and he goes in the opposite direction - I just don't know what to do. It is so frustrating. When he is in conflict with her he is moody and withdrawn and I suspect he would rather have a fight with me for going back on any agreement than stand up to her and get another mouth full of abuse. After these events she normally holds him to ransom for 6 months or so by not making or responding to any contact.(Other than his moods this is normally better for me)

He seems to be aware of how dysfunctional and destructive their relationship is but seems paralysed to do anything about it.
He is full of guilt about his marriage breaking up and she has capitalised on that for the last 14 years! (Encouraged by his ex)
Any thoughts about how I can encourage him to make a stand to change the dynamic of their relationship?

Basically, he is failing to acknowledge priorities, of which #1 should be you. From your description, it appears he's been voluntarily reduced to an enabler.

Step-parents are always the outsiders in these situations. The father/daughter thing is so very difficult for an "outsider" to influence.

IMHO, she should be cut loose. Love and affection for free but no more money. She should not be allowed to endanger your financial security. She'll be estranged for a while but she'll grow up eventually. The only question is whether or not your husband can bear it.

Is it something you can talk about with him rationally?

Thanks for responding. Sometimes I just feel so alone and undermined in this whole situation.
Yes, we have had many talks about a way forward but he just doesn't seem to be able to help himself when he is confronted by her demands. I end up feeling like I have no input or control over things that effect my life and that is very hard to deal with. It also makes me feel like he doesn't respect me or our relationship when he does these things. We have got better at talking it through but it seems futile with the current status.

Do you have any ideas on how I can empower him to take control of the situation and change the dynamics of his relationship with his daughter? Talking it through just doesn't seem to be working. I have tried the soft approach the hard approach and even his mother and sister have tried to make him see sense. But although he seems to agree at the time he then does a complete turn around and ends up rewarding her for her behaviour. I am desperate!

"...threats of physical violence,..."
"...tirade of abusive language...."
"...calling me abusive names."
"...bullying and abuse...."

If he hasn't gotten the message yet, he's not going to.

Do protect yourself. Emotionally....don't accept her attacks on you personally or your husband. Since your husband's a wimp, you're the one that will have to confront and control her....recognizing that you may have to deal with your husband afterwards. Physically....call the cops the next time she threatens any such thing. Financially....get your personal finances set up so that neither she nor your husband can get at your assets.

If you're lucky and you hubby does come to the party, there will likely be a long period of estrangement from the daughter. If he's not willing to accept it and endure it, the little termagant will hold you both hostage indefinitely.

Thanks asolo for your feedback. I have been told so many times that I have no right to get involved and as a result end up as the scapegoat for anything and everything and have not been able to protect myself against it. Everyone backs down and allows her to blame me because I should have no say. I feel like I am being smothered sometimes and am very unhappy about it. It is very refreshing to have someone say I should confront her!

My mother-in-law is going off this afternoon to meet up with sd on their own and I just can't put a name to the way I am feeling about this. On one side I feel she should not condone the daughters behaviour but on the other I know she still has the right to have a relationship with her. I suppose I am also concerned that if mil doesn't agree with sd that she will get abusive to her or that she will try and put all the blame on my husband and myself by distorting the truth. It will be interesting to see how my husband deals with this.

I no longer work due to chronic pain in my neck, so have not really got any income of my own to protect. But I do have a house which is rented and could be effected if she puts too much financial pressure on us. The pain is made much worse by stress and I actually think the amount of stress I have been forced to live with for the last 11 years played a big part in bringing this condition on in the first place - sigh!

Hope you and your family had a nice Christmas and thanks again for taking time out of your day to help me through this.

"...I should confront her!"

Well, not exactly. What I meant was that 1) you cannot control what other people do. However, 2) you cannot accept any persons attacks on yourself or your husband/marriage. When it occurs, you must stand and confront. If/when you are slandered, you must defend yourself.

It would be well if your husband would at least stand with you whether or not he decides to continue "helping" his daughter. However, you're in charge of you. If you're attacked, you must defend. If you don't, you'll be setting your own pattern that your attacker will notice....and therefore continue the attacks.

As I see it from your posts, your marriage is under attack. I advise taking a firm stand in opposition.

"Never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty and the pig likes it"

Sounds like your DH needs tools to help him deal with her. She sounds like she has mental/personality disorders - narcissistic, borderline personality, bipolar.

I'm sure there are tons of books out there if he will read them - 'Stop Walking on Eggshells' and its workbook are one set I can think of. Something that will help him find the right words to set healthy boundaries in ways in which he is comfortable.

"....set healthy boundaries in ways in which he is comfortable."

Which is -- and will be -- precisely the problem. It is not "comfortable" for anyone to do this. I have no doubt DH can acquire the skill. The question is, can he acquire the will? The father/daughter thing can be soooo strong. IMHO, the OP has described it thus.

Step-parents are always at a disadvantage. I continue to advise self-protection as the scenario unfolds.

Even if you are not currently employed, you do still have assets to protect (i.e. your house and the rental income) and perhaps some funds coming in from disability or other sources.

It would be wise to consult with a solicitor and/or financial advisor about the necessary steps to protect your assets and also to limit your liability should your step-daughter end up in greater financial difficulty.

If your husband assumes responsibility for debts or co-signs for his daughter's loans, you want to be sure whatever you have is insulated from obligation and that you are not legally responsible as his spouse.

Keep a record of all threats. Print out emails and maintain a dated journal of all hostile encounters. If the situation escalates you may need this information.

Marriage counseling is also in order; hopefully you and your husband can arrive at agreement on a strategy for dealing with his daughter's demands. If not, counseling may still be beneficial for yourself so that you have the tools you need.

Thanks everyone for all your input and words of advice. I know it is a difficult situation and that Step parents often get the worst sort of treatment. Especially when their bio parent is doing the whole guilt parenting thing - sigh!

My home is in my name so should be safe from creditors but as it is the only income I have for my retirement I really don't want to lose the house we live in either.

I am pleased to report that I was able to talk him into telling his son about how his daughter has been treating him. His son was really shocked and has advised him (as we all have said) to stand back from her and not give her any more money. So at the moment things are looking fairly positive.
Fingers crossed he is able to stand his ground.

Thanks again for all your comments and support. Happy New Year, we can only hope that better things are still to come.

"Step-parents are always at a disadvantage. I continue to advise self-protection as the scenario unfolds."

I'd be funneling money into an account that can't be touched by the stepdaughter or anyone else.

This young woman sounds scary. She also sounds mentally unbalanced. Try to remember that you had nothing to do with all this to begin with, and it's her father's job to man up and cut her off. Completely. He sounds like he'd rather keep living in the problem than in the solution. In fact, your husband is a MAJOR PART of the problem. It seems to be making you so miserable that you need to start asking yourself that old question, "Am I better off with him or without him?" If it were me? I'd be talking to a lawyer and filing for a legal separation. Do you really want you and your daughter put in harm's way by this lunatic when she shows up in one of her rages? I'd be looking for ways to remove myself from the situation.

I came across this thread during the most difficult phase of my marriage to date regarding my SD. I will try & make a VERY long story short as possible. I married my DH in 2004.. his relationship was barely existent with his daughter due to a very ugly divorce, a bitter, malicious & vindictive ex wife & obviously a very much brainwashed daughter. My husband & I now have our 2 sons. Over the course of the years I've been threatened physically... abused mentally & emotionally. I've tried sooo hard to be respectful, helpful, caring, & understanding to his daughters feelings.. hoping one day she would see that we wanted her to be a part of our lives, but under "normal" circumstances. When I was pregnant with my younger son his ex wife threatened to have her daughter "beat me up, & kick me in the stomach until I miscarried" at that time the daughter & ex would call us all hours of the night, leave vile messages & say such awful things about my hub. He always supported her financially, yet the mother kept that from the child, his daughter calls him names which I won't even repeat most of. #1 being a piece of sh*t deadbeat. He was in relationships prior to ours & his daughter always made him choose... he always picked her. Several months ago we were informed his daughter began abusing not only us, but drugs... of course we felt horrible. He contacted his ex & she denied it. Come to find out while the ex was denying it the daughter had overdosed & wound up in rehab... his ex lied & lied. He didn't want to fight with his ex... he wanted to be there for his daughter & attend family counseling. But he wasn't able to do that bcs the ex was denying it to be true. In the past his daughter has threatened to kill me, blow up our house, wished her father & my kids dead, & of course me. Once she got out of rehab she contacted him, as nervous as I was about her past behavior I always said I would support him him no matter what. (My older son is from a prior relationship & my husband adopted him) when he met with her after her leaving rehab she told him that if he wasn't gonna leave me then she wanted nothing to do with me or my "other" son (who is 12) bcs we are not her blood.
He told her, I love you, but I want u to be a part of our family... not make trouble for us. She got mad, went home & boom the mother calls here screaming.. his daughter is 23. They always wanted him to shell out more money but wouldn't invite him to bday parties, or anything he should've been attending. His ex bleed him dry of every cent he had.

Now the daughter is trying to get attention by doing some very serious things to me. (On April 1st my 32 yr old brother took a seizure in his sleep & died leaving behind a wife of 28 yrs old & 3 children.. the youngest 9 mos) during the days of our planning & arranging she harrassed us, left messages (which I saved) that it should've been me or her father that died but she feels good enough knowing we're hurting... the things she says are extremely unstable... however at that time it was the least of my concerns. I haven't even been able to mourn. My brother & I were 2 peas in a pod & she knew that & she started such trouble. The day after I burried him I was served with a restraining order! I was stunned... she claimed in her report that on April 8th I threatened to "put a gun in her mouth" I am a grown woman... I would NEVER say such a thing. So now I have to fight this in court bcs I do not trust them.. they lied & got the restraining order, who's to say they won't lie & say violated it. Meanwhile I was at a funeral at the day &time she claims I did this (I know the mother is behind this too) so I did something that I was hoping I wouldn't have to... I filed charges for harassment & terroristic threats. & the threats charge is indictable. I didn't want it to ever go this far. I only wanted her to be a part of our lives & wanted her to feel wanted since I knew she had trust & abandoment issues (although she shouldn't have... he was always there.. he would go get her on his weekends & the ex wouldn't answer the door & have the kid hide in the closet... he used to have to call the cops to get her on his court issued days.)

Her mother is saying she isn't on drugs... only drinking now.. (great!, I thought when u follow an NA or AA program you can't use any substance) But the mother doesn't care, as long as she has control. Now I am stuck paying for a lwyer for this "gun" comment that is something they would say... NOT me! Oh & best yet... police searched my home for firearms, of course they found nothing. This has gone too far... I've been in the hospital from my high blood pressure & anxiety... & he does or says nothing. I've supported him despite the craziness... & I love him very much, but he really needs to step up here. I have emails, texts, voice messages all saved of the threats. But I'm at my end of the rope... any advice on I can tell him I need himwithout fighting. When I take her to court I'm going to ask the judge for some kind of anger mgmt or drug & alcohol counseling. My goal isn't to this kid get in trouble... or I would've done this 4 yrs ago... please help.. I worry about my hub, my sons (who are very scared of her) & crazy as it sounds... I worry about her too.. the drugs could kill her. & erratic behavior & pathological lies are out of control. I can't take any more.

Hi just wondering how you are all doing since this all happened

I have been dealing with this for 33 years. I tried everything suggested here. My husband has two daughters. i have no children of my own. i had to have a hhysterectomy when I was 25. i married my husband when I was 36 and happly single. He was too, after being divorced five years from his high school sweetheart,. She immigrated from South America to his small Southern town, when she was a young teen,. She was exotic and alluring to a naive teen. She had horrific underlying issues that to date have not been dealt with. Her mother was married when she got pregnant by another man and had her, supposedly to get out of the marriage. She left her and her older sister from her marriage, with her parents and moved to the United States. They joined her years later in my husbans’s small town..

Seven or eight years ago, my husband’s ex wife learned via genetic testing she had a brother who had used the same DNA testing service. He was adopted I suppose as an infant. Who knows how many others there could be. this behavior reminds me of a species of bird, the cowbird. They do nor rear their young themselves. They lay their eggs in the nest of other species, usually smaller in size. From the time they are hatched they are larger and demand more food. Very often the legetimate siblings die from starvation or are crowded out of the nest before they can fly and care for themselves.

When both parents are not willing to work together post divorce about the children they created, put their needs and wants before that of their children, it is going to be a disaster in some way. Add to it someone with this background above, and a dupisaster is guaranteed. I am a young senior now. I was very idealistic when I married my husband. I also saw two teens neglected by a mother who was focused solely on her career.

My husband came from a home of very modest means but well educated. he has a PhD in Engineering. He is an only child but spent his first seven years in his grandmother’s home with his parents and an orphaned female cousin (Depression era). He was surrounded by a very close knit family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. They all went to the same school and church together, gathered together often, and lived by the Golden Rule. I was born and raised in the South too, in very much the same way. The difference being iI lived in a much larger city and I am the youngest of three siblings, We have lost our parents and both of my siblings. My mother and siblings died within the past three years.

There never was going to be a way for all of this to turn out well. . When the ex wife retired she had nothing left to do but focus on her children and our grandchildren. We do not understand her and never will. We should not have to. But we have been forced to live with the consequences of her behavior and the influence she has over her daughters and the grandchildren.

We have not heard from our children and grandchildren in five years. For many years, while the ex was emplyed, we were in contact continuously, very happily involved. We lived n the same town with the ex and one daughter and her family, the other an hour away up untl Christmas of 2019.. In the beginning I thought it would be good for my husband’s ex and I to have a courteous relationship in order to manage the girls activities and stop the obvious and normal game playing children of divorce do to get what they want. I found out quickly that was never going to happen. I love my step daughters and grandchildren. so I did the best I could. But no matter what I did, I stepped on the ex wife’s toes, Multiply thar by two girls who were starved for what their mother could or would not give them for most of their lives.

We got tired of being hurt by these two daughters and their mother. They abandoned us over a flurry of insane activy involving a divorced stepdaughter. She divorced her husband of 21 years in record time. They had accrued a lot of property, lived in a million dollare home. My stepdaughter drove a new Mercedes Benz. Six weeks after the divorce was finalized she got involved with a man who did not make enough money to pay his $350 rent and borrowed money from her. He lived in a hovel, with barely any decent furnishings, his clothing piled waist high in the corners of the room he slept in. He did not even empty his mailbox of junk mail. Instead he let it spill onto the ground and carved a niche out of what was packed into the box. He spent his days hanging out in a cafe, his nights in a bar, surrounded by women half his age. At nearly 50 years old he had nothing to show for his existence other than a short lived marriage that produced no children. He has a Bachelor’s degree in History.

When my stepdaughter brought him to meet us he was dirty, unshaven, disrespectful, and talked only about beer and his mutt dogs. All of our red flags went up and have stayed up since. He has never done anuthing to change the first impression we had of him. He has only made it worse. My stepdaughter moved him in on top of her children, devastated by a divorce they were too young to understand or see coming. At some point thay went to the courthouse and got married. We do not know when. They had a coming out party in my stepdaughter’s home, calling it a Christmas party. We were traveling and unable to attend. When we learned of the marriage we were shocked. My stepdaughter had never spoken well of this man to us. She swore to us she had no plans of getting married. But when we reacted the way we did she flew into a rage. This was the beginning of the end. She was estranged from her mother who had desperately been trying to win her daughter back. Suddenly the perfect opportunity arose. Her mother fully embraced this creature my stepdaughter married. Thus began the campaign against us. Cruelty began first, hen alienation. we were so very naive about what was going on. Mockery and amusement at our bewilderment was constant. Then alienation when I confronted my stepdaughters’ behavior.

All of this took too much out of us, We spent one last holiday season alone, surrounded by family, and two days later moved from our home of over 40 years. it is not easy beginning a new life at our ages but is so much better than how we were living. We love where we live no, which is on the opposite side of the continent from all of the pain and insanity. If the damage done does not cause us to lose our lives sooner than later then we have a chance at happiness again.