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Abusive, manipulative Step Daughter

12 years ago

I have been with my husband for 11 years and we both have 2 grown children each.None of them living with us. Although my 2 daughters and his son are very respectful and want to be part of the blended family, my step daughter (23) has always been a problem. She had always had her own way and has grown into a very self centred and disrespectful young lady. She only ever visits/contacts her father when she wants something and if she doesn't get what she wants throws the most horrific tantrums where she abuses her father, me, my daughter, her grandmother and her aunt. She never takes responsibility for her own actions and can effortlessly turn a situation where she has been out of order into an all on attack, bending the facts and pressing all her fathers buttons until he caves and gives her what she wants. Recently she got a very good job with her fathers company graduate scheme (helped by him) and although she could get a ride to work with him insisted she had to have a car. Firstly she wanted a new car (Even we don't have one of those grrr)But discovered she was not able to raise the finance because she did not have a credit history. Against my better judgement and pressured by my husband we then lent her the money to buy a second hand one and also paid for the insurance up front. It was agreed she would repay this over 30 months but before the first payment was even due she had renegotiated the deal and postponed the first payment with her father. Then last week she got into an abusive emailing session with her Dad because he asked her to spend 40 pounds on him for Christmas. She had asked for a Sat Nav for 130 pounds from him and was buying a Sat nav for her mother too but wanted to buy him a book. When he tried to point out that this seemed a bit uneven she turned the whole thing into an argument and abused him, telling him he was a terrible father and was never there for her - she brought all the rest of us into it as well and completely omitted the fact that it was her behaviour which started the whole thing. Instead she kept insisting it was his not wanting her mother to have anything which was the problem. He was still reeling from this abuse when she crashed her car into a fence post. He then tried to help come up with a solution to have it fixed and we ended up arguing about giving her any more money. After all she had still not paid a penny towards the car and had not saved any money for road tax or repairs even though we had discussed her need to budget carefully before she picked the car up. We arranged for her to come to us to discuss a way forward and she was 1 hour 45 mins late. She walks in the door without even a sorry for being late and then tries to get her Dad on his own so she can extract some more cash. I heard him talking to her about living beyond her means and she gave him real attitude back. I am ashamed to say that I then lost it. I had had enough of her attitude and rudeness. So I told her if she couldn't afford the car she shouldn't have one. She told me to butt out and leave her to talk to her father, I said she only wanted to talk to him alone so she could manipulate him (History has proven that to be the case) she got nasty and my husband stepped in to quite us down. I then went to get the paper with our new financial proposal and she burst into tears and started to put her coat on to leave. I took the hint and left the room to leave them to it. She then tore strips off her father for not supporting her and started calling me abusive names. He said to stop it and calm down and she told him he should be ashamed of himself, stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind her. My Husband talked to his mother and sister to try and get some perspective on what had happened and they suggested he sit on his hands and not get the car repaired until she had saved the money. Then she got her brother involved (This has been used before and Husband starts to cave)The following day at work she sends him an email demanding an apology from both of us. He sends a polite one back saying that was not going to happen and we need to move on. The next day he arranged to meet up with her to try and talk things through but again she was aggressive and started in demanding an apology. When one was not forthcoming she launched into a tirade of abusive language and threats of physical violence, both to him and to me. He came home shell shocked at how she could speak to him - but still after all that bullying and abuse he is still looking at ways of getting her car fixed for her! I feel he needs to take a stand stop the cycle of abuse and let her become an adult.

She has had more than 9000 pounds pass through her fingers in the last 4 months and still has no savings or even enough cash to pay her bills! If this doesn't end here we could be looking down the barrel of her gun for the rest of our lives. What is going to happen when she gets into credit card debt and has over spent so much she cant pay it back. What if we lose our house trying to keep up with her demands. Any advice on how to move forward on this would be greatly appreciated.

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