emotional abuse by daughter

25 years ago

I am extremely distraught. My daughter, age 28, is living with a man who has slowly, but surely, been pulling both her and our 7-year-old grandson, away from the rest of the family. He seems to be jealous of the close grandparents relationship that I, my husband, and my ex-husband have enjoyed since the child's birth. The natural father(they were never married) is distant, and we grandparents have always been there. We were initally happy that she seemed to be in a healthy relationship, although with a man 13 years older than herself, who has never had children. However, problems soon surfaced. My daughter has never been emotionally stable, and has been through several unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationships. She loves her son very much, but has a tendency to put her lovers before her son, and gets verbally abusive toward her father, myself, and her sister when we confront her. When she is angry with one of us, she "blackmails" us by not allowing her son scheduled visits, will not discuss what the problem is, etc. We hesitate to confront her more and more, for fear of traumatizing the child, but her emotional abuse is becoming rampant. The latest incident involved me(grandma) confronting her and the live-in boyfriend over bite marks and bruises found on my grandson's arms. They claimed that these were from "playing" and roughhousing. The child seems terrified of "getting into trouble" with his mom and boyfriend. I did not make any accusations, simply informed the boyfriend that he was being too rough, that biting hurts, and that if a teacher or physician had observed the marks, he could be charged with child abuse. The following weekend, my daughter refused to let the child visit, stating that I was "filling his head" with garbage. Although the boyfriend seems to genuinely care for the child, he is domineering, and there have been other incidents of unexplained "accidents" and bruises that are always attributed to "playing around." I do not feel that my daughter is thinking of the child's best interests. I am considering hiring an attorney, but hesitate to take such a drastic step. I have always been her defender to other family members, even when she has been wrong, in order to keep the "family peace." I now find myself at a loss, and disbelieving that she would put a non-family member before her son and the rest of the family. Can anyone help or comment? Also, this man does not work; he collects disability for a knee injury, yet is able to climb the steep flight of stairs in their home, plus ride his bike for long distances. He also transports the child without a driver's license or insurance.

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Comments (18)

Delphinium
25 years ago
Call Child Protective Services without delay. Your grandchild is in danger from this man and your daughter.
Bengal Lily
25 years ago
I agree with that 100%
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Thanks for the suggestions and appreciated the input. Agreed that one should inform his family if it's emergency. Possibility he might be suffering from early stages of dementia and I have no idea if he is seeking medical profession for that. Why, he's got symptoms like short term memory loss (cannot remember recent events), anxiety, depression, changes in his behaviour and personality. He said he has been having a gradual short term memory loss over a number of years. I know of another elderly friend and this friend too is suffering from gradual short term memory loss and the effect is gradually debilitating. It's difficult to suggest to him to go check his short term memory loss out with a doctor, as he is not one that would take advise well. So all I can do is give him a phone number of helplines here and let him sort it out himself. I will add that he is finding it hard like confused and lost with even managing his own life. He also suffers from bowel issues and must go to the toilet straight away. It's not funny because wait till you and I reached an elderly age we too would suffer from incontinence and bowel problems, therefore have some compassion and empathy. Many years ago I know of a friend's Mum she suffered from dementia for many years and no one knew about it, not even my friend and my friend's Mum's relatives. It was only a year before she passed away something was done about it. My friend after living in another country for a decade, had to make decision to come back after making the decision to live in another country for good, then returned to sort the situation out. I can inform you that my friend's Mum's condition by the time it was sorted out it was very sad, because my friend's Mum did not seek medical profession to get assistance and help years before, therefore no one knew my friend's Mum was suffering from dementia to intervene earlier.
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You people are funny you know. Out of this whole conversations taken place for the past year nobody in this chat room has thought that maybe there’s two sides every story. I am this woman husband and name Chris. Let me tell something she hasn’t told you. First lets start with the begin of this relationship. I meant Dallas while she was going through her first divorce and she was in abuse relationship with her last husband James. I meant Dallas and she was stuck in a house the bought together. After 1 month of dating I felt bad I took her rent-free and helped get her back on her feet. We than feel in love with each other. During the first two years in our marriage Dallas accused me of cheating went through my phone and if I smelt funny or even if I had a whiff of perfume on she would accuse me of cheating. All because of the fact I was 3years younger than her. For two years I dealt with that. Never once accused her of cheating nor mistreated her. 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How do you work on a marriage when your not living with each other also where not supposes to see other people but like I said she I guess forgot that part. Did I mention that its either this or divorce, but she did come up with this she got from you people and her family witch is never around and does have real clue as to what’s going on. Just like you people. Of course I’m going to want to check on her. I’m not perfect by no means at all marriage takes work and it also takes two. This woman should have been talking to me instead of talking with you people. Half of what was said is either a lie or an exaggeration of the truth. What kind of woman leaves her husband at a bus stop. Or how about at the out back steak house. Let not even get into finances while I was working 16hr shifts with barely any sleep this woman was out shopping spending the money sometimes leaving us with barely enough money for food. I would begged her not go out or spend money. For Christmas if I don’t have money my family just gets cards or we tell each other not get gifts for us. Dallas spend almost are entire paycheck on Christmas for her family. Did she mention that I would work 100 hr of over time just to keep up with her spending and the debt from her last marriage and that I paid 6000 dollars off in year from her loan or the sacrifice that I would make for this woman. While she was getting her nails done and going out to eat well I was eating roman noodles. And for what so she can sit here and badmouth me with lies and fabrication. Who wouldn’t be tired after all that works. But you know what id get oh appreciate you and than she do it again and again. Over and over, but when I don’t think before when I speak during a argument or if something I did mean comes out of my mouth, and when I say sorry isn’t that the same thing. Shouldn’t we just both respect each other and not do it. But why is it that im taking all the blame and that I have accepted what ive done but yet she hasn’t. Also she spent two years going out with friends leaving me at home never bring them around even when I told her it bugged me. I never felt so alone in my life. It was like I thought she was embarrassed of me and she knows I have no friends what so ever but I guess that’s okay right. Dallas never would communicate to me at all she runs to everybody else when theres a problem. . This woman just want attention from every one probably because her whole family has practically a banded her while my family came in took her and made her one of our family members. When I met Dallas her whole life was drinking parting and sex. Her best friend Valerie is on drugs she has no positive reinforcement and you people are not helping at all. I could sit here and she did this and didn’t do that what’s the point. There only two people that truly no the truth and that me Chris her husband and my wife Dallas. What kind of abuse counselor can sit there not see any bruises or police reports and say ya you’re being abused really who does that. Every marriage has issues. I have forgave her for what she has done why cant she do the same for me. I want to save my marriage. I hope our marriage counselor will help because you people are not helping, and someone can get both sides of the story. Thank you let me know committers that have no life if want to know what’s going on let me know thank you
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I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my 3 hour post and also sending me some advice. Sometimes I just start to question myself and I do want to do what's right, so your advice really means a lot to me. Its kinda like like being able to take in a deep breath in and exhaling. I do have plenty of court documents and police reports and reports when he was ordered to visit ( when he actually did ) through family house (supervised visitation for drop offs and pick ups). My kids we/ are old enough to remember enough things to know that there was abuse. They remember some of what happened to them. My older son has unfortunately had to call the police before.I do feel in my son case its more of a control case. Like he's going to prove he's in control now. Their dad used to tell the kids it was always my fault he didn't visit. (Everything was my fault) so its kinda nice now sitting back and watching things play out as they are older and he's still not around. But it seems as though my son is trying to prove something to him. My son and I have talked and agreed that we don't speak of his dad ( unless its something he really needs to of course) but he's 29, plenty old enough to understand my feelings about him. I told him that I respect any relationship he has with his dad but that's HIS BUSINESS. So we never speak of him which is nice. But my son still has this need to run to his dad about my personal life, even some financial things. When I ask him why he tells his dad he says" well don't tell me anything anymore then". And I just think that's being very immature and disrespectful. He NEVER specks of his dads personal life, which is how it should be. So, throughout all these years I've learned that my ex husband is dedicated to hurting me but in actuality it was always the kids who suffered. Well now, its going to include the grandkids. But my two older kids are grown adults. I cannot control what they do or think. I know I raised them well, with a lot of love and with good hearts. I'm just stepping back and letting them sort out what ever it is they need to but I just know their dad is not going to be a part of my life what so ever. My goal in life is to find peace and happiness in my life. I know I'm in control of who/what is in my life to maintain that. I've worked so hard to become the stronger person than I am today than I was when I was married to that man. And I don't like going backwards. But its crazy how much it can mean to a person to get advice from a complete stranger. Because I know they are completely biased. You guys have given me a little more strength to get through my crazy life!!!!!!!! Thanks a Bunch!!!
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Val
25 years ago
AMEN to the above two posts!!!!
sherrie
25 years ago
Lynn, it is time to put aside your feelings for your daughter and think of your grandchild. Your daughter is an adult now, but who will be there to protect the child? I agree to the other posters - please act fast before something unspeakable happens to that poor little boy.
kara
25 years ago
I believe the other posts are correct. However, be careful.
My sister called last year because her grandson said his
mother (her daughter) "throws me around and pushed my head into the wall". CPS went thru the motions, went to the child's school and questioned him, told her daughter that it
was her mother who had called, interviewed other people and
then closed the file. Now my sister has no visitation, her
daughter will not speak to her and my sister's heart is broken. She doesn't know now how her grandson is and feels guilty that "she got him in more trouble by calling help"
She has filed a complaint with the service to no avail.
Lynn
Original Author
25 years ago
Thank you all for your messages; you will never know how much they have helped me emotionally. Currently, my daughter and I have not communicated. My ex-husband, the child's grandfather, is in touch with my daughter; he says the child is fine right now, but misses me. My daughter is stating that "I caused trouble" by telling the child that no adult, even kidding around, should bite him, and "making us look bad." I hesitate to call CPS for the reasons cited by Kara. The difficult part is that I don't think any of the injuries were done deliberately, just that this man has no common sense, does not know how to treat a child, and exhibits an extremely controlling manner over my daughter and the child. I also believe he has something to hide in his past, and this may be one of the reasons that he is slowly, but surely, attempting to pull my daughter and grandson away from the rest of the family. I am taking other steps now, and will keep you posted. Thank you again.
gayle
25 years ago
Lynn, I'm horrified---it takes some force to actually leave bite marks---that is not playing around! Somebody has to help the poor little kid...I hope it's you, and I'm just sick that you have to risk the confrontation with your daughter. Whew, sending a good thought...wishing you luck.
Alice Langer
25 years ago
You must act for the ultimae safty of tat poor child. Your dauhter's hostility, I' sure is manifested by her guilt. ultimately this crearure she is living with has got to go. In the end she may even be releaved of the pressure she is under a the preant time,
missy
25 years ago
I agree with calling children's services IMMEDIATELY! And when you see this again, take the child to the nearest emergency room, where there then will be a documented visit and insist that pictures be taken. Do all that you can do to protect your grandchild - the mother doesn't seem to be doing it.
Lynn
Original Author
25 years ago
Thank you all for your and support. I did file an "incident" report,but asked that no other action be taken at this time (see Kara's message). I am upset that I did not have the presence of mind to take pictures. However, my husband and the child's other grandpa also saw the marks. This past weekend, I was "allowed" to pick up my grandson after school, and keep him overnight, although my daughter, boyfriend, and I are not speaking. My ex-husband, (her father)and I are on excellent terms, and he arranged for the visit. He has made it quite clear to our daughter that he supports me, and that it is wrong for her to withhold the child. Our visit went well, and it was wonderful to see him as it had been about a month. Thanks again.
barbara
25 years ago
This is a serious situation. It's happening more and more these days. If you notice any kind of bruises or injuries, call law enforcement and have them bring in Protective Services. Mental abuse to children is rampant these days and the hardest to prove. Good Luck.....
lettie
25 years ago
Oh Lynn,
I just read your post and it seems like you were me writing the post.I too had an encounter with my daugter's new husband.On account of him hitting my grandchildren,he is the stepfather.And I too lost the close relation that I had with my daughter because I told him that he had no right to abuse the children.She took his side and told me that my granddaughter that is 12yrs.,old is just making things bigger then what it is.And I pointed out to my daughter that if she doesn't beleive her daughter now,what is going to happen if God forbid one day her daughter tells her that he abused her in any other way.That she is not going to come to her for help.And then is when he wanted to litterly kick me out of the house,that my husband and I had helped her buy when she was married to her first husband.
Let me tell you that it has now been six years and my daughter has not set foot in our home and we have seen our grandchildren only on occacion when her ex-husband allows us to see them.
I have tried many times to talk to her and to see the children but she tells me that they come as a package and that if I don't accept her new family I don't accept her and her children.I can't accept anybody that abuses the children and make beleive like if nothing is happening.
Lettie
yma
25 years ago
Dear Lynn, I also think that the child should be remove as soon as possible. Why would any adult man want to bite a child, even if it's playing??? But before going through that, maybe you should hire a private investigator to get more details, check the man's background and also to keep an eye on your grandson. If the man is the violent type, your daughter is not able to do anything even if she really wanted to. I'm probably wrong but it's also a small possibility that your daughter (and man) are using drugs (her emotional abuse is becoming rampant, verbally abusive)? Hope this helps a bit and hope this situation will turn out ok.
Colleen
24 years ago
Hi!! I really think you need to help your grandson in seeking custody, at least until your daughter seems to be more stable. I know you love your daughter, and she will be angry, but I feel if you raised her with family morals she will Thank You one day for taking a stand for her son. I will keep your family in my prayers. Best of luck and if you are still unsure, pray and ask God for his guidance.
downsouth
24 years ago
Lynn, how much do you know about this man she married? You said you thought he may be hiding something from the past. Wouldn't it be terrible if you found out he has a criminal record? Has he been a local resident for years or from another state? It would be good to find some "dirt" on him that would help you get your grandson out of their home. I know there are agencies that can run criminal records. You might want to check into this. I don't think it would be very expensive. Can you somehow get his SS number as you probably need it to get a report run. Please get those pictures taken. Have you asked him if they have ever thrown him or hurt him? Get a tape recorder and record what he tells you. This is a terrible situation this child is in. And in defense of your daughter, she is probably scared to death of him, and that's why she is on the defensive side. Maybe she too is being abused and doesn't know how to get out.

Take action but try to get some evidence. There are too many instances happening today where people say "if only I had".
danalynne
23 years ago
Please, please, get this poor child some help. It seems that there is abuse going on, and this child needs someone to protect him, and that seems to be you. I have to also commend you for being such a caring and loving grandmother. As for your daughter, she needs a reality check for sure, she has a good mother and she should be thankful for you caring! I hope this doesnt sound harsh, but you should speak with an attorney and if your health allows it, you should try and get custody. I know that in some states grandparents have rights. Sincerely, Dana :)
jak1
23 years ago
Get help, immediately! We are currently in the process of gaining custody of our 10 month old grandson,who lives with us full time, as does his 22 year old Daddy. Mom has severe problems, and has not been heard from for 5 months. Someone else called Children's services when child was 2 months and we and our son have had excellent support from them, from the police, from the legal profession and from our community. It is a privilege to save a child. In Canada, or in Ontario anyway, grandparents do have rights. We are young, retired, relatively healthy, and have almost enough money to manage this. Do it. The child comes first.
beulah
23 years ago
From what I have read, it seems to me that this is an abusive , controlling man. Men like him will try to keep his spouse or significant other away from family & friends to continue in the abuse. This seems to be a dangerous man, I suggest you hire a P.I. to gather whatever info you can about this man. Your grandchiid needs your help. I have prayed for the Lord to help you & your grandchild. I think that the advice you have been receiving on this forum is "on time"

emotional abuse by daughter

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