Why Men Really Do Need a Cave
Don't dismiss cars, bars and the kegerator — a man space of some kind is important for emotional well-being at home
Mitchell Parker
May 20, 2013
Houzz Editorial Staff. Home design journalist writing about cool spaces, innovative trends, breaking news, industry analysis and humor.
Houzz Editorial Staff. Home design journalist writing about cool spaces, innovative... More
Calm down, ladies. When a man wants his own space in the house — be it a cave, garage, bar, media room, billiards hall, woodshop or bowling alley — it’s not a red flag indicating that he's rebelling in your relationship, trying to avoid you or shirking social commitments. In fact, having one’s own personalized space is actually necessary and important psychologically for everyone.
“Space is very important for regulating emotions,” says Sam Gosling, a University of Texas at Austin psychology professor and author of Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You. Gosling studies how space is a powerful mechanism for evoking our emotions, and he’s seen firsthand how having your own space, decorated by you alone, can positively affect emotional well-being. “It’s incredibly important to be in one’s own space and resonate with who one is,” he says.
“Space is very important for regulating emotions,” says Sam Gosling, a University of Texas at Austin psychology professor and author of Snoop: What Your Stuff Says About You. Gosling studies how space is a powerful mechanism for evoking our emotions, and he’s seen firsthand how having your own space, decorated by you alone, can positively affect emotional well-being. “It’s incredibly important to be in one’s own space and resonate with who one is,” he says.
Enter man caves. Whether we're building a boat, playing computer games, reading car magazines, listening to loud music, working on a motorcycle, or watching action movies or five sports games at once, man caves serve a basic psychological function, even if the guy is aware of it or not. And it's especially vital if the guy's emotional needs aren’t being met in other spaces. (Sorry, honey, but that fake moss inside a cloche is doing nothing for me.)
“It’s a way of saying, ‘I love my family and flowers, but that’s not what I need to regulate my emotions,’” Gosling says. “Man caves are the architectural equivalent to hanging out with your mates."
So you see? We are fragile emotional beings. We just need a kegerator (a refrigerator for a keg of beer) and power tools to cope.
When it comes to designing and outfitting a man cave, Gosling says it's extremely important that there is no compromise. (Shall I repeat that, ladies? No compromise!)
That's because a space that properly satisfies and regulates emotional and psychological needs is much less likely to evolve if someone else influences the outcome.
“It’s a way of saying, ‘I love my family and flowers, but that’s not what I need to regulate my emotions,’” Gosling says. “Man caves are the architectural equivalent to hanging out with your mates."
So you see? We are fragile emotional beings. We just need a kegerator (a refrigerator for a keg of beer) and power tools to cope.
When it comes to designing and outfitting a man cave, Gosling says it's extremely important that there is no compromise. (Shall I repeat that, ladies? No compromise!)
That's because a space that properly satisfies and regulates emotional and psychological needs is much less likely to evolve if someone else influences the outcome.
Because women traditionally take charge of decorating a household, the main living spaces tend to regulate her emotions better than the man's. This can leave us guys feeling isolated, even if it's on a subconscious level.
“Many people are not sensitive to that,” Gosling says. “I don’t think people are thinking, ‘I need to regulate my emotions.’ They’re thinking, ‘I need somewhere to build my boat. While I’m there, I’m going to read the magazines I like. Listen to the music I like.’ So it organically evolves.”
“Many people are not sensitive to that,” Gosling says. “I don’t think people are thinking, ‘I need to regulate my emotions.’ They’re thinking, ‘I need somewhere to build my boat. While I’m there, I’m going to read the magazines I like. Listen to the music I like.’ So it organically evolves.”
"Even in situations where both couples have careers and the space is perceived as a compromise, it still may not be meeting the emotional needs for the individuals,” Gosling continues. “Personal space is still incredibly important.”
While men might be unaware of this need, it's definitely present. Kira Sterling, chief marketing officer for Toll Brothers custom home builders, says her company is seeing a dramatic uptick in the amount of requests for extra man space. “Men are carving out space with a lot of technology, surround sound, wet bars, exercise equipment, steam, saunas, wine bars and storage,” she says. "It's almost like tree houses from your childhood: no girls allowed."
Freelance motion designer Philippe Vendrolini, who works mainly from home, turned this $13,000 backyard studio space into a personalized man cave, with a small library, a sofa and space for jamming.
This homeowner, meanwhile, wanted to use his garage as an entertainment hub where he could watch TV, serve beer, smoke cigars and easily access the backyard pool and barbecue, but still be able to store things like bikes, strollers and toys. To make all this happen, designer Kate Cullen at California Closets Twin Cities created a kitchen area for a kegerator and overhead storage for his kids’ bikes and toys.
The owner even installed a one-way screen that comes down when the garage door is open so he can smoke cigars and people watch, but they can't see him.
The owner even installed a one-way screen that comes down when the garage door is open so he can smoke cigars and people watch, but they can't see him.
The cigar-smoking owner, a big fan of the Rat Pack, owns a graphics company that created all the artwork for the space. His employees had the Vegas-style neon light custom made as a gift.
The space is also heated and air conditioned for cold Minnesota winters and humid summers. The project cost between $15,000 and $17,000.
The space is also heated and air conditioned for cold Minnesota winters and humid summers. The project cost between $15,000 and $17,000.
“There’s an old saying that a man’s house is his castle" says Ginny Snook Scott, chief design officer of California Closets. "No. A woman’s house is the castle. The garage is the man’s castle.”
Scott has seen the man space evolve and gain popularity over nearly three decades. She’s seen a trend toward having kegerators, wine fridges and many other gizmos, gadgets and tools right at guys' fingertips.
Scott has seen the man space evolve and gain popularity over nearly three decades. She’s seen a trend toward having kegerators, wine fridges and many other gizmos, gadgets and tools right at guys' fingertips.
The Internet has helped shape this trend. Millions of photos and trends of unique spaces are exposing people to broad design thinking. So in a sense, designers and homeowners have gotten much smarter about personalizing their spaces.
Scott says that the custom design industry has allowed people to have more options and freedom to create exactly the kind of spaces they want, and they're willing to pay for them.
"Men are looking for amenities that give them a special sense of reward," Scott says. "They work hard; they want to play hard."
"Men are looking for amenities that give them a special sense of reward," Scott says. "They work hard; they want to play hard."
Karla Rodriguez, head of marketing at HartmanBaldwin, says the owner of this detached studio in Claremont, California, had spent his whole life living in a space designed by his wife, and he wanted his own space where he could reflect, read and write.
Naturally, there's also a kegerator and a full bathroom.
Naturally, there's also a kegerator and a full bathroom.
The owner of this Tudor-style house, also by HartmanBaldwin and in Claremont, California, built his fortune through manufacturing and had always wanted a place where he could tinker (he also earns a lot of patents) and restore classic cars.
Typical in most man cave situations, he told his wife she could have anything she wanted in the house (French country) and garden (English style), but "the garage and workshop are all me," he says.
Typical in most man cave situations, he told his wife she could have anything she wanted in the house (French country) and garden (English style), but "the garage and workshop are all me," he says.
The space includes a workshop, where he rebuilds engines, and an area for restoring old cars.
Rodriguez says a full bathroom with shower is almost always requested for a man cave. “I’m not sure if guys want it or it’s a compromise with their wives," she says. "Sort of a, 'You can have your man space, but you must be clean before you come in this house!'"
This homeowner converted the attic space into a model-car museum and model-car garage.
“Man caves are often portrayed as refusal to grow up. Or as a resistance to a relationship being integrated," Gosling says. "This is a perfectly legitimate need within the context of a relationship. People should take it seriously.”
So, come on. Give us just this one room. We might even invite you down for a beer every now and then.
Your turn: Show us your man cave! Please post a photo and tell us about it in the Comments below.
More: A Dad Turns a Greenhouse Into a Backyard Office
So, come on. Give us just this one room. We might even invite you down for a beer every now and then.
Your turn: Show us your man cave! Please post a photo and tell us about it in the Comments below.
More: A Dad Turns a Greenhouse Into a Backyard Office
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A rec room with a gym is the perfect option
Love this and I totally agree - men do need a space to retreat to. As the woman of the house, I have it well decorated and I've always tried to thread the needle of elegance and style without making it so feminine that my husband feels alienated. I decorate with neutrals and textures to assuage my own sensibilities but I've always owned the designs, including our landscape and outdoor spaces. Despite this and having the garage full of tools, a workbench and a small seating area (for whiskey and cigars) my husband does need a space completely all to himself. Unfortunately our current house is simply too small for this but when we move, we plan to ensure the new house has an extra room for his man cave. He will also own the design! Have I mentioned that I secretly like his man space? I like to hang out there myself when I want some alone time. 😂