I congratulate this step mother for holding her composure. If the parents of the brides pay for the wedding then why did just you and dad pay for it, obviously she has a mother. No step mother shouldn't be treated as mother of the brides but they should be treated with respect while attending. Some people's comments offended me and I'm the biological mom to four yet I'd be damned if my children treated their stepfather or their step mother this way. I was raised with both step parents with my parents but let me tell you this much my step father was to walk me down the aisle not my father. My father even agreed my step father should be the one to do it. All of you condemning this woman for just asking for respect especially while paying for it, i. Hope you never are a step parent because you wouldn't fill the mold. Also as far as her stating the father is retired and the daughter asking for money because he obviously has some, is ludicrous because with the way she acted I'm sure even if he was unemployed she'd still demand he contributed because the SM had money. Oh by the way young ladies it's time for the kids to be grown ups if they want their wedding to cost more then a used car. Set budgets for them if they want more then shh time for jobs. oh ya my SM was the other woman but guess what so what, she gave me a life with a mother and a SF who love each other unconditionally and let me see a version of happily ever after.

After reading all of this I need someone to set me straight on what I can expect. SD getting married next year and she has lived with her father and I in my home for 7 yrs. Her mom moved out of state when she was in high school(they did not speak for a few years) and I was the mother figure. I have 2 girls of my own but my SD was the neediest of them all and required a lot of attention. All the girls are close and they are in the wedding. I love my SD and we do have a very close relationship. I was there for dances, heart break, college, sickness and everything in between. I have met her mom a few times and she definitely likes to be the center of attention. I can feel myself getting anxious about the wedding. I don't want to add any stress to my SD but I also don't wan to be hurt. My SD had a baby 5 months ago and I was not asked to help with baby shower, just the "real moms" and her 1/2 sister. My SD asked me to help with wedding I jumped right in. I feel ashamed to say I am worried when her mom comes to town I will be forgotten about. I am just being honest so please don't be too harsh on me. I feel I need to maybe take a step back to protect myself. HELP!

KMF, you should hope for the best and brace for the worst. Do your best to help SD make everyone SM AND BIO MOM feel as included as possible. A wedding is not the time to act out family grudges, either against you or against Bio Mom, but for some reason it can happen that way and can lead to permanent consequences.

Were you you invited to the baby shower?

This is not a competition, and hopefully everyone will see it that way. Good luck.

I was invited to the baby shower it was just a shock not to be included in the planning since she has lived with me. I am over that and I did talk to my SD about it. I won't lie, I do feel used sometimes, I am the first person she calls when she has a problem because as she says her bio mom does not have time for her. I wouldn't do anything to ruin this time for her I just needed a safe place to get my thoughts out. My parents were divorced and I know how hard that can be so I wanted to be the SM I never had. I think I feel insecure for some silly reason. My husband appreciates everything I have done for her and he tells me often. I feel a bit selfish, I have to tell myself the more people that love her the better off her life will be.

kmf,

You are such a wonderful step mom and an awesome person with big heart, your husband and children (bio and step) are very lucky to have you.

Your post is a breeze of fresh air among step moms' postings, often they are filled with bitterness and resentments.

I believe handling any relationship ultimately is based on each person's value system, outlook and philosophy. We do what we feel right and what make others feel the best. Everything else is just noise.

Occasionally feeling insecure and needing to vent is human nature, as it could happen even between bio mom and daughter. Most of the time kids do not mean to be hurtful, they are just doing things according to their maturity and life experience, which usually are much less than that of parents.

azmom,

Thanks so much I will focus on what you said about "most of the time kids do not mean to be hurtful". Just dawned on me I may have accidentally hurt her, my youngest is coming home from college and I told SD I needed a little alone time with bio daughter because she and I are never alone. Husband and SD moved in and it was a hard adjustment for bio daughter since it was just her, another bio daughter and me. Since husband is going out of town for a week I told SD I needed time alone with bio for a few days since I don't see her as much as SD. SD is around a lot with baby and fiancé and my husband works from home so there is never any alone time for her and I. I think I will be sending text to my SD so there are no hard feelings. I am sure she understands but seeing as I myself get a bit insecure I want to make sure she knows it is nothing to with her as I am sure the is the same case with me and her mom. Geez....I feel better and like an actual grown up now!! LOL

Happy holidays everyone, especially to those following with bitterness and resentments and even to those who like to stereotype all step moms. Best wishes to you and yours.

What a load of baloney, Kim Aves.

Totally unlike yours, for instance.

I think that your step daughter might have been trying to let you off the hook, kmf, in not asking you for help with the baby shower. And yes, you do sound like a great step mum.

KMF...you sound like a great step-mother. I would just encourage you to keep in the back of your mind that you SD may do things that inadvertently hurt you to keep the peace with her biological mother. If her biological mother is a drama queen, your SD may not have the time or energy to deal with putting her in her place. So any treatment you may receive (however, right or wrong it may be) may not be a slight again you, instead it may be a way of managing her other parent.

Expect to be treated badly so that SD can "prove" her absolutely loyalty to bio mom. Simple truth. Now that Mama's back, expect everything to change. The hurtfulness is not inadvertent. It's safer to snub you than to have to deal with bio mom, and she knows you can't do anything about it.

DANG! Step daughter just got back from visiting bio mom with her fiancé and 6 month old baby. SD said" I want to tell you something but don't get upset cause I have your back, my mom said the 2 grandmas should walk the baby down the isle at the wedding, it would be so cute" The 2 grandmas would be finance's mom and her, my SD said she has 3 grandmas so that is not going to happen. SD said I would never hurt you like that and I want you to know that.

The wedding is a year away, LET THE FUN BEGIN!!

Wow. That's nice.

kmf,

Thank you for sharing this uplifting development with us. Your SD's reaction shows your love, care and good intention have been recognized. Sounds to me she is a very good SD too.

Keep up with good work - parenting indeed is hard work even for bio-parents. Going forward, if others want to play silly game, just remember you are too good to participate, take high road and be the wonderful woman who you always are.

My SD's (ages 24 and 22) are getting to the age where weddings will start soon, and I am already nervous. A little back story here : I married their father when they were both full grown. My husband and his ex have been divorced for almost 6 years now. My husband's ex (the BM) is...emotionally unstable to put it nicely. She has tried to start drama when we first started dating almost 4 years ago, when we got engaged, and when we got married (married now 3 years). My oldest SD has never had a very good relationship with me, and I think this is because of her BM trying to poison the well, so to speak. Take for example, when the oldest SD graduated college; she did everything in her power to try to keep me from going to graduation (I was engaged to her father at that point). I bought her flowers and a gift, both of which were thrown into the trunk o f her car without even a thank you. She made sure I was ignored by all invited, save for my then fiance. And you can be sure she made sure there were no photos with me in them. I am fearful this may happen with the wedding as well. I hope not, but...To say the least, I am not expecting much as far as the weddings go. However, I did have a conversation with my husband last night about respect towards both of us. At the minimum I would like a photo of me and her father and my SD and her new husband - but I'm not holding my breath. My main point here is that it will be explained to both SDs that her father and I will be sitting together at the ceremony and the reception. Period. End of story. As to the rest, I honestly don't care if I get flowers, or am on the invitations etc. Maybe I am putting the horse before the cart here, but I have been researching wedding etiquette for step-parents, and ugh! I can already tell that unless my oldest SD has matured significantly, there will be issues.

Expect issues. Consider a girlfriend beach weekend with people who love you.

Good manners are good manners. A marriage is an opportunity to create a generous rapport with another family. Maybe, you won't see them often, but it is kind for their Dad or Mom, depending on who is what step to be considered with respect. They are people, period. I was treated poorly, before the wedding and, during the wedding ("Would please come with me and sit here". It was eight rows back and behind a pillar). So many slights. No inclusions in any photos etc. I could go on and on. However, it was my husband's lack of sensitivity that allowed the bad manners to occurr. That and an dislike of conflict. Difficult ex-wife. Still a business partner. So, that was my mistake, marrying someone whose ex was still a partner. Regardless, if I didn't know him until they were divorced five years, she wanted them to be a couple at her convenience. Too much power for the ex, whether male or female. At my daughter's wedding my daughter showed such consideration for all even though her father and his wife were rude initially. I over heard her say, "A marriage is a blending of families. This is a, hopefully, a start for us all to be one, a family."

i was very proud. She was 35, which lends maturity to the marriage. Being older means, usually, there is accumulated wisdom. By the way, I left the gentleman who didn't stand by me. He was continuing to build with his ex-wife, excluding me, his wife. That was their deal, let them handle it. His parting words to me we're, "You'll be rich." Well, I am. Rich in family and friends.

I'm sorry, Kate. Some husbands have no backbone, and simply can't move on. It is easy to see the red flags in hindsight, but it's good that you set boundaries and moved forward. Your daughter is a very wise and considerate young woman. She is a credit to you, and I know you are proud.

Both of my step-daughters had weddings within 4 months of one another. Both knew that my husband and I had been struggling financially and had plans to move to an area with better opportunities. I was flabbergasted when both women provided lists of items that they expected us to pay for. Having worked in the stationery business previously, I offered to do their wedding invitations for them. I had to pick up a lot of extra work tutoring, but I got it done, doing all of the printing myself (including invitations, RSVPing, directions, postage AND thank-you cards, less than $2,000 for 800 invitations).

My husband and I were never invited to either wedding. His ex-wife happened to ask if we were staying in town for the weddings, which is how we found out a few days prior that we were expected. At both weddings, other guests were rude and dismissive, indicative of the low moral character of many attendees. His ex was never shy about bad-mouthing him to her friends and family, who were all gathered. We sat at the back for both weddings and receptions. The only acknowledgement we received at all was the aforementioned hostility.

My husband and I paid for our own wedding. His ex and her husband paid for their wedding. All of my friends paid for their weddings too. With the exception of one friend, who is from a wealthy family, my step-daughters are the only people I personally know who had the expectation that other people pay for their weddings. Our families are not traditional or religious and neither SDs were virgin brides. Far from it. The weddings were 2 years ago. Although I still feel anger about the assumptions my step daughters made about a lot of things, both were powerful learning experiences for my husband and me.

KWagon, I'm so sorry, and we know how you feel. You were generous to do what you did, and luckily, you didn't go into debt to pay for more. Now they have shown their colors, and despite the hurt and disappointment, you can move on. I'm so sorry they put you through this. It hurts so badly.

What an amazing group-am so glad that I found you.

To all those who have tried I salute you but I do agree that there comes a time when you must let it be. Love your partner and let him choose the way he wishes to handle his children. If he chooses to allow their bad behaviour and treatment of you - see it from whence it comes. He does it because he loves them too. . Remember he is in the middle-you can choose to get off the drama stage and just either sit in the last seat of the auditorium or leave the show and wait outside.Love him and your marriage enough to do that. If he asks your opinion give it carefully.

Dont worry about what people say - its your life and your marriage. Remember God Knows and thats all that matters.

I have felt so incredibly alone for the past 5 years. I thought I had been to hell but my father always said Hell is here on earth-sometimes we need to learn to let people have their journey and have our own.

If you have truly done your best then understand that unless there is INTENT on both sides nobody can do anything in a situation like this. Life is not a negotiation or a popularity contest......its a Choice.

To all the women contemplating marriage-put it on hold until you go for stepfamily counselling-its too late afterward.

PS I went for counselling for myself and it has helped me tremendously-I learnt to let go and let God.

Cyberhugs to all

luciacamara55, I agree with some of your advice, esp. about getting stepfamily counseling prior to marriage.

However, there are a couple of things I find a little off. You state if DH "chooses to allow their bad behavior and treatment of you - see it from whence it comes. He does it because he loves them too. " I'm sorry, but most SMs are fully aware that DH loves his children as well as his wife, and most SMs have no problem with that. What most SMs have a problem with is when DH treats his children more like a spouse and his spouse more like a child. Of course DH loves both his children and his wife, but they are different kinds of love, and no wife should be expected to put up with a child telling her where she needs to sit in her own home or what SM gets to cook for supper, for instance. In an initial family, roles are well defined, and they should be.

For some reason, it is only with step-families that suddenly everyone seems to think that SM and SKs are on some sort of level playing field, vying for dad's attention, and poor old dad is being put in the middle. No, dad doesn't get a pass or permission to be neither a good parent nor a good husband just because of the divorce or mom's passing. His kids don't get to control the household, and SM doesn't have to suck it up and take it. Love has nothing to do with a DH/ dad allowing that; rather, fear, guilt, or just plain laziness does.

I saw this link was recently posted on another topic:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stepmonster/201102/stepmothers-strike-how-can-doing-less-save-your-marriage

I agree with most of this. That is my opinion, and in some ways I do see we both agree on the point of "staying out of it," but I don't agree that expecting DH to act like a man/ dad/ husband and set and stick with boundaries is somehow putting him in the middle, and there is never an excuse for allowing bad behavior and treatment of anyone, much less a SM. That has absolutely nothing to do with love.

In hindsight, lucia. . sorry for being so hard on you. Most of what you wrote was very sweet.

I have been a stepmother for over 25 years. I was a stepdaughter for much longer than that. I have friends who were stepdaughters growing up, and I have known many stepmothers.

Here's what I think we all had in common: I don't think most kids want a stepmother. That part is understandable.

Here's what I don't think we had in common: Previous generations were taught to treat others with respect. Kids were expected to treat adults with at least a minimal amount of civility. Although most kids I knew growing up weren't crazy about having a stepmother, they weren't outright obnoxious to their stepparents.

Fast forward to today's thinking. Feel it, say it. You're not being true to yourself if you don't express yourself. You're entitled to speak what's on your mind, to whomever you want. Why? Because you're a special princess, who has suffered through the torturous divorce of you're parents, and hence the only way for you to feel whole is to get everything you stomp your feet for. Nobody likes having a stepmother, and nobody should have to pretend. Your father was yours first, and whomever he is with takes second place. Best to remind her of that fairly often, so she doesn't get too comfortable sitting in the "wife" seat. For those of you not comfortable with blatant confrontation, there are many more subtle tactics that will work. Shunning is a very useful tool, particularly at your weddings. It's a great time to use the full support of your entire family and friends, to pressure your dad into being included, while simultaneously excluding your stepmother. And if you can get your father (and his naïve wife) to pay for this charade, you can really stick it to her good. If your stepmother complains later and your father brings it up to you, it will be so easy to just pretend you don't know what he's talking about. His wife must be so overly-sensitive. That right there is a two-for-one, when you can humiliate his wife and then also make it appear to your father as if she's insecure and unstable. Lastly, nobody likes stepmothers. So while you may be expected to treat your boss, the cop who pulls you over, your roommate, your future in-laws, your neighbors with civility, nobody is ever going to really expect you to treat your stepmother the same. Feel free to act like a sand-pounding toddler with your father and his wife, free of consequence, because everybody knows you've got your daddy wrapped around your little finger.

I think this type of behavior is cyclical. For the same reason Facebook now has declining participants, people are tiring of the "look at me", endless selfies, "aren't I cute", me-centric, Kardashian inspired outrageous behavior. Nobody really likes bad behavior. It's tasteless, regardless of who it's aimed at. I think having class, showing grace in the face of adversity, learning true communication skills, and working to have at least pleasant relations with our step-relatives in order to enjoy relationships with our blood relatives, is going to have to prevail. Nobody really is a princess, worthy of adoration for classless behavior. Not anywhere, and not even on their big, special day.

In reference to this paragraph, "Fast forward to today's thinking. . . ." I so agree with you on that entire paragraph. Your comment should be posted everywhere.

I sure hope you are right about the 'look at me!' campaign being cyclical and that it is coming to an end. Can't stand it. Don't even know how it got going to begin with. All I can say is with these "aren't I cute" types, best thing to do is use the power of the word NO. Use it often and use it well.

If there was one thing I am thankful to my SD's for, it's for showing me exactly how I did not want my own kids to turn out. One of the best attributes my kids have, is knowing that it is not acceptable to deliberately treat anybody poorly. There is no excuse for it. Growing up, my oldest SD trained her siblings how to treat me. She would made them take pacts. Her influence, along with some others, really never went away until I disengaged. I have very little to do with them anymore. If they are nice when they see me, I'll be nice back. If they don't feel like conversing with me, I'll give the same. Treat me like crap, and I'll leave and stay gone for a very long time. Coincidentally, my husband doesn't like going places without me. So, how often they see him is influenced directly by how uncivilized they decide to be toward me. Reap what you sow.

The ability to disengage is paramount. Let them be..allow them their own journey....stay on your own....we all have our lessons to learn...maybe we are part of theirs...its ok...cos in the end its between you and God anyway. Just disengage.

Reap what you sow and no more dough! Cut the cash gravy train in any manner, shape or form that you can. That is a part of disengaging as well. It is letting sleeping dogs lie outside the tent while you are inside, nice and cozy with you and yours.

I think people who are raised to believe entitled, snotty behavior is acceptable, are the ones who participate in these public displays of low class the most. I was at a wedding as a guest, and had never met the family of the bride.

The disparaging chatter at my table was about the father and his wife. Typical smear campaign toward the SM. What I saw, was a snarling biomother. The father was smiling and his wife was too. Looked like a pleasant couple who were doing their best in a contentious situation.

While many stepmothers have felt humiliated at their stepchildren's weddings, and many more of us will encounter the same, I don't think we should assume that everyone at these events are naïve enough not to notice the aggressive behavior of the bride/her mother/other friends and relatives. Nasty games are never attractive.

People with class should know better than to display their family grievances in public. May feel like a short-lived win, but not everyone is going to leave the event cheering for the bullies.

I know this post is old, but I'm still curious how someone in their 20's blew through 2.5M+. Doesn't sound like she appreciates money. Sort of explains why she didn't appreciate the $28k for her wedding either. Makes me think of the word: Entitled

I grew up on a large farm with beef, grain and mostly chickens. My Grandfather had a saying, "keep your head above the chicken****". That was when there was gossip or strife going around. He refused to get down to any lower level. Good lesson....hard when you are the subject of rudeness but in the end it does make you feel good when you can pull it off.

We have lived an even worse situation.

My SD wedding almost killed my husband (her dad).

Everything was great. We helped my SD and her fiancé to buy a house. We were both in real estate business. They were building a brand new house with our help.

There was a party called social (common where we were living) done at one of my husband's nightclubs. We helped with prizes, etc... It's done to help the new couple to pay for expenses of the wedding.

Everything was going great. My husband was so emotional and looking forward to walk his only daughter down the isle.

We asked her many times what should we wear and about rehearsals and she simply said that she didn't want a traditional wedding and that she was going to walk down the isle with her fiancé.

As disappointed as my husband was, he accepted it. He said it's her day she can have whatever way she wants.

My husband owns many hotels with events center where many people get married but she chose to do her party at another venue. Even though we didn't understand why spend more money doing this at another facility, once again my husband accepted her wishes. He told her that in the end he would also help pay for the party.

The day of the wedding comes, my sweet husband was so excited, crying, emotions were flowing specially it was also his birthday.

We get ready and go to the hotel where the ceremony was going to happen. We get there and we don't see anyone from the wedding party (SD mother and her partner, my SS, grow's parents, etc) just the regular guests. I texted my SS (husband has 2 children from previous marriage) and he tells me to go seat on some reserved chairs on the 4th or 5th roll and says that they are taking pictures around the city with the bridesmaids etc...

So we seat there, wait.

When the ceremony started everything was traditional. Her mother walked down the isle with her Step father, bridesmaids, groomsmen, grooms parents... and then the bride escorted by her grandfather from her mom's side. We were the only ones not included. My husbands face just went from being excited to heart broken so did mine. We NEVER would expect such betrayal, such disrespect, on my husband's birthday. We were humiliated. Treated like nobody, except a bank account.

We set there like two idiots. Could see the entire family looking at us. Gossiping about us. It was the worst day of our lifes.

As the ceremony ended we waited for my SD to come out and my husband went to her and asked if she doesn't have a father. Her reaction was to play victim and cry so everyone would think he is the bad person.

We were ignored the entire time. There was pictures of everyone but us on the walls. We didn't take one photo with the wedding. My husband didn't dance with his only daughter. She treated us like shit. Didn't come to talk to us at all. She set us away from the main table. Her mother had a table right beside the bridal party and so did the grooms parents.

We stayed as long as we could for the sake of some family who flew in just for the wedding. We were disgusted. During the party there was more humiliation. Groom gets up and say: today's is also a special day as it is someone special day also. It's the birthday of.... Grooman... Not his father in law.... Grooman. I couldn't believe my ears. So I went to the washroom and I was furious. I made a comment to one of my husband's sisters about it just so some bridesmaids that were in the washroom could hear.... As I go back to the ballroom the groom gets up and say: we have to clean up a mess. We like to say that today is also the bride's father birthday. It was patetic.

I will spare you of all the other shame we lived that night.

After the wedding we confronted my SD why did she do this? We couldn't understand. We were friends. We talked to her often, we were helping them build a house, etc.... She just blamed the ceremonial people that were apparently according to her BS supposed to have us walk down the isle also. Pure lie.

As a result of this, my husband got so very depressed. He couldn't function properly for months. Sadness was all over us, all the time. Her lies trying to cover up the disrespect she did were too much to handle.

After the party she come to my husband asking him for $50,000 that he had promised to give her to help with wedding party and house purchase (on top of what he and I already did). He didn't give her. She played victim, wined, but he didn't give in. He told her to go ask all the other people who were actually presented to all her wedding guests as family, because he is not just an ATM.

A couple weeks later, he end up in the hospital, we were at home just watching TV and out of nowhere he clapsed on the floor. I thought he was having a heart attack. We spent all night and all day at the emergency room. We sent his kids a message with a picture of him in the hospital bed. Do you think either of them came to see him???? None. They simply didn't care.

My husband was so so sad. So I booked a trip, a week vacation. As we are vacationing we started to look at real estate. We came across a house we fell in love with and right there my husband dedided he was going to move away from the pain, from the toxic people that just caused us so much grief.

And so we did... Now we are far away from the lies and toxicity that comes from that little bitch.

We eventually forgave her. They have visited with us a few times, but there is always this uncomfortable situation, feeling.

I just want her and her BS to leave us be.... Because everytime she is around is drama. I'm so tired of it. So is my husband.

He has had way too much problems with his greedy family. She is the most selfish person I have ever met.

Hopefully she can be happy and have a happy life away from us.

People are so heartless.

Also karma has a funny way to get back to you. So will just let life continue...

Glad to see your husband did/ said this, but not so glad about the circumstances: "He told her to go ask all the other people who were actually presented to all her wedding guests as family, because he is not just an ATM."

SMs getting shat on at weddings is nothing new, and, yes, this can even occur after SM has contributed her own time, money and effort to the event. This shows the clear, unadulterated bias our society has towards SPs--the fact that every other seated person will be with or next to their spouse or SO. Heck, even SS's girlfriend of three months will be seated up front, next to him, in the family section for the big day. But, SM? Nope. No one seems to know what to do with dad's ho at these kinds of events, which is what SMs are mainly seen as by others, let's face it. The proof is in the pudding. Otherwise, why isn't SM auto. seated next to her husband, like every other couple? Why isn't SM allowed in pictures with her spouse, like any other couple? Just like any other discrimatory behavior, selecting out a minority group to be treated differently by others just on the basis of their label or religion or gender, etc., it is a issue that society as a whole needs to own up to and address. SM expects to be and should be treated like her husband's wife because she is her husband's wife. No one other than dad AND SM gets to decide if, where and when SM gets to truly-ooly act like her husband's spouse or not.

Actually, until society gets its act together on this, I'd recommend most SPs either go to these kinds of events owning it or avoiding it altogether. Best advice for SMs regarding weddings: Either go in a red dress, looking like Sophia Vergara, owning and enjoying your 2nd wife status to the max., or avoid the whole thing and spend a spa day with friends, people who actually care about you and who have no problem with you being married to the man you are.

Frustrated with myself for feeling so petty, but it sucks to have felt like no more than an invited guest at my husband's daughter's wedding, and he was writing a majority of the big checks...

That’s not petty at all

v. i am so glad you moved away from all that crap and karma has a way of coming back to bite her and i hope it does ..

I married him when she was 4 years old. Twenty years later she had her wedding. Her mother is mean and calls her fat. So I took my step daughter wedding dress shopping, so she would not get her feelings hurt and cry. I paid for the dress. I have done more for step daughter than her bio mother ever did. ( her mother is bipolar). At the wedding I was not mentioned as a mom. I was only asked to be in one wedding photo. (One of a big group). I was mad so it wasn't even a good picture. I really thought we had a close relationship before that. Now I see how she really thinks of me. Step moms NEVER get the credit they deserve.

Dixie, I’m so sorry. Sadly, we all know how you feel.

My first Gardenweb post was I think 12 years ago about my stepsons Wedding .. one of the worst experiences of my life. Treated like dirt by groom bride. Ignored no flowers Actually had a church elder grab me and husband to be shown the basement to wait for the ceremony to start. I left the reception before dinner was served after a few more episodes. Anyway. Fast forward. Stepson has 2 kids and is divorced now .. i did not speak to him for 10 years after. Stepkids mom passed away 2 years ago. whole new ballgame. Stepson came back into the fold. He wants a family now!!! Brings his kids for holidays. And younger stepson?? I would actually call us close. After his mom died he begged me to go to her funeral. I did go ( didn’t want to). after that when he leaves the house after a visit or hangs up the phone he says Love you. NEVER did I foresee any of this in my years of misery. Miracles happen....

Dotz, I’m happy for you, but I’m not as benevolent as you are. I’m not going to forgive and I’m not going to be as nice as you. I haven’t seen any of them since the last wedding 6 years ago. I don’t have any good will for any of them. I don’t see that changing.

Aw Southern. I do remember you and I thought of all posters we had the most in common...I also thought we were done ... The divorce wised this kid up. And after the mother was gone the influence she was wielding was gone. Usually I m unyielding and an unforgivi g person. But having been thru divorce I did have sympathy for the kid. Never saw this coming like I said. Husband is grateful I let them back into my life. Marriage better . Life stopped being stressful after she passed. Sounds awful but the interference stopped .... I wish everyone the best. You can’t see the future Good luck.!!!!!

Don't take this the wrong way, but if a SM's only hope is to wait for BM to pass so she can MAYBE get a "second chance," I'm pretty sure most SMs don't want to hold their breath on that one. Miracles can happen, but are far and few between. If anything, I think there is a lesson for SKs in there rather than SMs. But, a sincere thank you for the Good luck!

So true, Karen.

BM spent 15 years making us feel unwanted and unwelcome at every family event, so six years ago after the wedding fiasco, I ghosted. Last year, DH finally had his fill and ghosted, too. We live in a small town, so we have scores of mutual friends with SK and BM. BM has begun telling our friends that she is so sad that SKs don’t have a relationship with DH. Whaaaaa? This is what you wanted, guuuuuuuurrrrrrlllll. Or maybe she just enjoyed hurting us, but either way, we are done.

I really think why it worked for Dotz, above, is that her SS realized through his own divorce, how BM (his ex-) can so easily contaminate the well. It doesn't take much. Even a deep sigh from BM whenever dad's name or SM's name is mentioned, sends the signals to the kids that dad and SM make mom unhappy and threatened, so the kids feel threatened. Even as adults, very few SKs can remove the emotion from such and see it for what it is--mom being mom and her reaction is just that, her reaction and not necessarily the reality.

But, when SS lost his own BM and the divorce shoe was now on his foot, it made it, I'd imagine, easier for things to click. I'm happy for Dotz. I've heard this from a few SMs, where after 20 or such years of being somewhat the family punching bag, something clicked, and next thing you know, BM was off somewhere with her new man and adult kids were all okie-dokie with dad AND SM. Some people have the ability to just let it all go and get back in love with whomever. I'm not sure I would. Actually, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. It'd be very hard to let go of 20 years' memories of being the family scapegoat.

And that is why I feel the real lesson here is for SKs or adult SKs. If it takes too long to put 2 and 2 together re: who on purpose, accidentally, or accidentally on purpose contaminated the well, it may be too late. Then, you lose one of your parents and/ or get divorced, and you have no one to reach out to. Given DNA, bio-dad may be forgiving, but SM may not, and she does not have the DNA connection that is usually required for that much forgiveness. Dotz' SS got really, really lucky. I hope he realizes that!

Karen, I get all that. But in a nutshell, when Dotz stepson was back against the wall with no family and no one to turn to... he suddenly needed Family. That’s pretty lame. There was a time when I needed family, too.

Agree. I think it is nice that Dotz and some others gave their SKs second chances. But, they certainly didn't have to. Nor, should it have been expected of them. Dad may have an obligation to attempt to forgive once his son has apologized and seen the light, but SM doesn't. Everyone likes to think, "Oh, all SMs have to do it suck it up for 20+ years, and happy ending!," like the end somehow justifies the means. But, when you think about it, it is like expecting someone to just up and forgive someone who has abused them off and on for as long, and a non-relative too. No one really should have that expectation. That is why I said Dotz's SS got really, really lucky. She certainly didn't have to give him a 2nd chance.

I wrote a few comments. Seems they didn’t go thru. At Thanksgiving SS And his 7 year old were sitting next to me at the table and I heard the little boy say DAD (the exwives new husband) says we should... and SS says BOB (new husbands name. Apparently SS ex is forcing his son to call her husband DAD. And I m sure it pains him. So karma is coming around to bite him. Lol. I wasn’t expecting SMS to wait for a miracle. Just one SM story. I m no Mother Theresa I never saw my self forgiving him. I m not really sure I have ... I ve let him back into my home. Maybe not my heart. Yet. And I feel bad that my life got better because someone passed away. I hate that. I cringe when I hear a young girl saying she s marrying someone with kids and a crazy ex .. I still think those marriages aren’t going to work. Not wearing rose colored glasses. Not yet lol. We re coming up on 10 months of truce. Hope we can keep it up. Just feels better than being at war.

“Karma... and if you are really lucky, the universe will let you watch.”