Sorry you're feeling this way.I have a very similar situation. I know exactly what you mean about how being drama free is such a relief but then it's sad that he's just willing to accept being a doormat. I would put my foot down at this point and say no more Christmas gifts. That's what I did after we financed a good chunk of my SD's wedding and never even got a verbal thank you or the photos that we asked to see. It was the last straw for me. Christmas isn't supposed to be about $ and gifts anyway, it's about family and being good to each other. You can't change how they treat you, but you can change how you and your husband react to the bad treatment. And I think you and your husband need to be on the same page. It's easy to say let him handle his kids and you handle yours, but that's not very realistic. You're a team. Send them a nice Christmas card this year, no more no less.

Same deal here, Christmas gifts for unattentive SKs...Little petty me wishes they would get nothing for their bad behavior, but more adult rational me knows he loves his kids and I shouldn't influence what he wants to give or do for them...I wouldn't want him to do that to me....He s worked hard all his life for his money...So I try to keep my feelings to myself on this topic...Not easy to do...I have shopped for them in the past, but I see it as helping him out as he is not a shopper. Delivery is all on him tho...

There's a post on another thread that lays out a really good idea:

Make rules for everything you can think of (poster said to do it before your wedding, but better late than never).

Decide on how you're going to handle weddings, graduations, birth of grandchildren, helping with cars, houses, college, gifts, holidays, *everything* you can think of.

Put it in writing, & when the occasion arises & the kids whine, tell them "it's what we agreed on";
if your partner/spouse whines, refer to the written document.

This would be a good time of year to draw up such a document;
it's too late in the year to make changes before Christmas, but as a "New Year's Resolution", it has real potential.

Sylvia, my husband and I had a conversation about this last night. Truthfully, we have two kids in college, and hope to retire in a few years. His kids are in their thirties, both have spouses and jobs, and only surface when they expect money. Why are we even considering writing checks to these horrible people? We don't even have his daughter's address... some place in Virginia.
The rest of the adult relatives get a Christmas card and a ham. I'm tired of rewarding bad behavior. So hubby said he would cut the checks down to $200. As far as I'm concerned that's still too much.

I'm sorry.

When I was a small boomer, my father & his siblings & their spouses were, like the rest of the country, completely intoxicated with the post-war "good life".

Like so many others of that era, they were the first ones in their families to have "real" jobs, as opposed to working on the family farm, so they had disposable income for the first time.

We were the first generation to receive "store-bought" Christmas presents or to receive cash.

There were an even dozen siblings.
Add spouses & children, & Christmas became just hugely unmanageable, so the 12 of them (or 24, depending on who you count) decided to change how they "did" Christmas.

They all contributed to a gift for Mama & Papa (their parents/my grandparents);
the 2 things I remember were a television one year & a frostfree (woohoo!) fridge one year.

Then they put each grandchild's name in a hat & drew names.

They had some formula to determine how many names you drew;
maybe people with 4 kids drew 4 names, but then my Uncle John drew my name, & he didn't have a wife or child...

However they did it, every child got 1 present at Mama & Papa's Christmas party.

The siblings did not exchange presents, & Mama & Papa...
well, they gave their grandchildren something, but it was usually homemade & modest, & it didn't cost a dime, having been made with Papa's tools or with Mama's needle.

& *Mama & Papa didn't buy presents for their grown children*.

I don't know how my father & his 11 siblings, who very seldom agreed on anything, managed to plan, agree on, & implement this very reasonable sysem, but I still think, more than 50 years later, that it was a good plan.

The part that relates to your situation is that the grandparents didn't buy their children presents.

Wanting to retire within a few years isn't something disgraceful that you need to feel ashamed of, something that you should be embarrassed to tell your kids.

Tell them.

Tell them that you've reached the stage of your life in which you have *got* to budget your money to keep from going broke & having to move in with one of them.

(That oughtta give 'em a few days' worth of thought...)

& then tell them what your budget is for Christmas, & ask if they'd rather have a ham or $40.

The difference you have here may be your husband's reluctance to give up his "breadwinner" identity & embrace an "elder" of the family identity.

He isn't the head of a nuclear family any more;
his children are.

They're the ones who should be spending more on other people than other people are spending on them.

I don't understand giving gifts like that at all. There is nothing related to Christmas in doing that. It seems just to be a debt that you owe. I would stop completely and see if they ever visit or call again. If they don't what have you lost.

My husband and I had 5 children, me 2 and him 3. We finally quit giving them gifts, to hard to buy for and we got gifts we did not want or need. We told them one Christmas, "this is the last year we are going to give gifts." I think they appreciated it stopping as much as we did. When the children turned 18 we quit with them also.

Sylvia, your family is brilliant. I love the $40 v ham idea.
Emma, I agree with you completely.
My husband still acts as though he needs to pay a debt to them...
Believe me, he has paid and paid. We both have.

SS thank you for the comment. I really believe a lot parents are afraid they will lose their child's love and that is very sad.

I felt like a human ATM for many years at Christmas time (and the rest of the year too). I'm sorry now that I spent all that money, not so much because the money is gone, but because I have a lot of resentment that I can't let go of. If I had been firmer at the time, then I'd likely have less anger now.

I think that you need to tell your husband that the big cheques are no longer appropriate, or even tasteful, for relatives in their thirties, and that you'd like to find another solution that you are more comfortable with.

Another idea that you may want to consider is flowers. A woman in our community owns a flower shop and she designs centrepieces for Christmas. I have found that these are lovely gifts, and it is nice to support small businesses in the community.

i disengaged this past christmas..did not buy anything for his family..he never talked about what he wanted to get them for gifts and i did not ask..so she gave them money and gift cards..how depressing that he couldn't talk about the kids and mother an what to get them or MAKE for them..

yes SS here too he gave them 200 and 300 dollars, for christmas some live here rent free and one makes 30K all earn more than me!

I made my son a gift.a pillow and wreath and helped with his dental bill. no useless materialistic stuff from me ..

my husband will not make a house plan, a financial plan or set rules or when the kids lived here there was no discussion on weekly chores.i tried to make lists and assign duties but was looked at like i had 2 heads..

i was asked not to tell them what to do , go through him, he ail tell them..
..i am not their mom they are adults now so i let it go and i got trampled on!

he still will not talk money..i am good at planning and saving and he refuses and thus he has less for retirement..

we are not married..7 years now..time for me to go my own way unless i am respected and listened to..
he has no will, if something should happen i would be left with a house burden and no money.. i am disabled and live on SSâ¦so i applied for low income housing and she list is long but when my name comes up i most likely will move. i do not think he will ever plan for meâ¦he lives in lala land and his mother and kids come first.

we need to be respected and listened to..cared for and loved..time to let the kids fly on their own..

i came from a different place.. would never ask my parents for money,,if i got a loan from my mom for a car repair i paid her back.. i lived in a crappy apartment when young but i paid my own way..mom gave me kitchen things and i had 2nd hand furniture from family members..