Anyone with Grown Kids and Young Step Kids?

19 years ago

Hello,

I found this forum today because I was looking for advice on stepfamilies. I'm not married yet. I wanted very babdly to until this week.

My fiancee has had the kids all week while the EXW is in Hawaii. They have been behaving extra badly this week. The youngest (boy 11) freaks out everytime we go lay on Dad's bed. I have never slept over (Except one night to take them all to the airport early the next morning)We always leave the door open when we go lay on the bed and talk. But the youngest will start a fight with his older brother (13) and scream at the top of his lungs. Or he will keep walking in and out of the bed room asking his Dad to read him a book or something very mundane. I got frustrated (with the entire week really) and left. He has also been hurting the dog.

Ugh...we are due to leave on an 11 day vacation next week to go see Fiancee's parents and family. I don't think I can stand 11 more days around that kid if he is going to keep acting that way.

Anyway, I do not live with them yet (will in September). But we always have them every other weekend and every Thursday and Friday. So I am very used to spending time with them. I usally adore them. But they are testing my nerves as most kids do.

My kids are grown so we don't really have to deal with them that much. I had them very young. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doining. If you have done this are you happy? Would you do it again? I am 39 and my Fiance is 49. We have been together 2 1/2 years.

I love him more than anything in the world and was willing to put up with a lot....the kids, the crazy ex.....but this site has scared me.

Advice anyone?

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Comments (5)

vistajpdf
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
What kind of arrangements are usually made regarding visitation? If this is just one of those rare times you will be having the kids this much, it would be worth it to stick it out then look forward to less frequent visitation.

I am not in your boat - the opposite, actually. My steps are 22,24,26 and my sons (with DH) are 3, almost 5, 7. My problems arise because DH cannot, and has never been able to say "no" to his now adult kids. He is more willing to have us in a state of financial ruin than refuse these skids anything - and I'm talking luxuries, not essentials. Besides, they are all adults now.

I cried a river the other day - told him that I lived for our 10 y. anniversary when we'd finally be able to start worrying about ourselves as they'd be out of college, etc. We have footed every bill for them since day 1. But, our ten year anniversary was spent w/ us barely speaking. His grown DD has been living w/ us for 6 months (supposed to be 3-4, lied to me about discussing the temporary status of the arrangement, she has no boundaries, he won't set any, when I do I'm the wicked witch...etc.) She hasn't offered one cent towards anything - utilities, toiletries, her car payment and insurance, etc. I've had it.

So, the biggest problem I've had is my DH and his inability to have his kids show respect to me, our marriage and our space. This SD living w/ us now knows no boundaries (see my other posts for more if you want) When the kids were younger, though VERY polite to the rest of the world, they weren't so great to me. It was largely issues w/ the BM who fed them a bunch of lies back then, years later told the truth, but the damage was done, etc.

So, I think what's pertinent to you is asking yourself why the boy is acting out now. Is he jealous of you - suddenly? You said you got along well before. Is he missing his mom and extra clingy to his dad? If so, than this too shall pass. Is the BM "normal" in that she doesn't resent you/lie to the kids/try to poison them against you and your fiance,etc? Is he having some normal growing pains? Hormones? I don't like the cruelty to animals, however. What instances are you talking about? How does his dad view this?

If he misbehaves, is his dad on your side or does he ask you to give the kid a break repeatedly? If he tries to discipline him, you've probably got a smoother road ahead of you than the one I had.

This isn't much help or what you asked for from me, but I want you to think about the whole picture - the X, her attitude, the kids general behavior and how their dad handles them, etc, before I can tell you to run for the hills or march down the aisle.

Life is an adjustment, a series of compromises. Just don't enter into marriage as I did, thinking us loving one another would make all the wrongs right. Take a good, hard, long look at the man and how he handles things and see if you can live w/ that. In the end, though we often spend more time w/ the steps, if we aren't the custodial household, we often go through DH to get things done. You have to see how he will deal w/ stuff and see if you can live w/ that.

Also, iron out the kids' luxuries, too. We've had issues w/ cars, colleges (SS transferred to a private college after FR. year) and stuff and w/ his kids' ages, I never dreamed I'd be paying for 5 cars each month....

Good luck,
Dana
census1
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
My advice to you is don't marry a man with young children. It has made me very resentful because of all the high child support that he has to pay for another eleven years. My daughter graduated from high school and she missed alot of scholorship opportunities because of my husbands 60,000 annual income. But he pays 20,000 in child support. After taxes and medical insurance for his kids he probably makes 7.00 an hour.
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cawfecup
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am a full time SM to 3 young children. And my sister always reminds me when I call complaining about the kids .... You raised yours already you don't have to do this again ... My only regret is ... I wish I had not been blinded by how useless their BM is ... I missed that memo.
dcubana
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Cawfecup-I can totally relate to having heard "you don't have to do this' from friends and family before.Every so often at a barbecue or other social gathering where we've just met someone for the first time. After we've chatted about the weather, the Met's latest game, our jobs, or current events, the conversation almost always gets around to children.
"So how many children do you have?"

We try to be as nonchalant as possible.

"five."

"Pardon me? I don't think I got that."

"I said five."

"You've got to be kidding!"

At this point in the conversation, we've experienced a number of interesting reactions. Some people slap their ear with the palm of their hand as if there must be something wrong with their hearing. Others have sprayed us with a mouthful of whatever they happened to be drinking at the moment. But most people just say something like: "Good heavens! Why?"

The best answer we can give is, This is what God wanted for us.

"You're jokingÂ right?"

Nope! Having five children is no laughing matter.

"Did you plan on having five kids?"

Of course not. Nobody would plan on having that many children!

"Are you two crazy?"

Crazy, no. Stressed and frazzled sometimes, you bet. Someone has said that having three or more children is like having a bowling alley in your brain. You can just imagine what things are like in our brains!

At this point, after our new acquaintance's initial shock has worn off, we're always asked, "What's it like?"

Well, it ain't the Brady Bunch!

It's wild, it's crazy, it's frenetic, it's a never-ending stream of PTA meetings, ballet lessons, family meetings, family therapy, basketball, church youth groups, homework, skinned knees, broken hearts, carpools, runny noses, trips to the dentist, doctor visits, braces, parent-teacher conferences, andÂ Well, you all know what i mean.

Still, having five kids around the house means that every day is a college-level course in parenting.With all of our kids growing rapidly, we have to shop for clothes about as often as most families shop for groceries. The things I've learned about parenting could fill a book! The Bible says in Psalm 127:3, "Behold, children are a gift of the LORD". And so they are, even though that may be hard to remember when the school principal calls you for the third time in two weeks and asks, "Can you come in for a conference? We need to talk-again! If there is one thing that stands out in what i have learned from my blended family, it is this:There are no simple answers.Just as no two snowflakes or sets of fingerprints are alike, no two children are alike. Just when you think you have heard, seen, and learned it all, something entirely new and unexpected happens-sometimes wonderful and sometimes awful.

I simply keep going, ask for God's guidance, and do my best every day.
sylviatexas1
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"The youngest (boy 11) freaks out everytime we go lay on Dad's bed."

Nobody wants to confront or acknowledge or know about their parents' sexuality.

Anyone with Grown Kids and Young Step Kids?

Comments (5)

vistajpdf

census1

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