I haven't read ALL the posts but did read the ones written by OP. So, here's my little opinion for what it's worth. You haven't been married long and want to enjoy weekends without kids... your DH left his kids to be with you... he thinks it's wise to punish the kids because they are testing him... I don't think that you and he have thought about what YOU TWO are doing that is making the situation worse. It's not that I think it's acceptable for a kid to say 'come get me' and then refuse to go when you arrive. Dad should have said, 'get in the car', end of story. But, I would assume the kids are testing dad to see how devoted he is and if his love is 'unconditional' and when he says "I'm not coming back to get you on Saturday", then it tells the kids 'it is conditional'. In a situation where the family is still intact, it would probably be different if dad makes arrangements for a kid and the kid changes his mind and dad says no to the next time. But, when you have kids that probably have some abandonment issues, you have to consider the motivation behind what they are saying and doing. The same thing comes to mind when he, at 13 wants to hold dad's hand at the mall... he's testing if dad loves him more than you. and really, dad should love his kids more than you... the kids are a lifelong commitment, marriage isn't always (at least 50-60% of the time). I also thought the same thing when he raves about his relationship with mom's BF. Maybe he feels that way or maybe he just wants his dad to 'think' he feels that way so dad might get jealous and be more involved. Kids that want their parents attention will spend more time trying to figure out how to get it... they will say what they think the parent will react to... they will test and try the parent. My SD is dealing with abandonment issues and it totally crushed her when her mom moved away to be with a guy. She has cried that mom's BF is taking her mom away from her. Mom spends too much time with BF's kids, etc. But, when she is upset with us, she will tell us how much she loves him and calls him dad, etc. I'm sure she likes him as he's a nice guy.. but she is jealous and isn't as crazy about him as she will lead us to believe at times. I've also seen her do the same thing with her mom... when she wants her mom's attention, she'll tell her mom about all the fun stuff I do with her to make her mom jealous. If that doesn't work or she wants a different reaction, she'll tell her mom how horrible we are to her so her mom will give her whatever we won't. (She knows how to play both sides) She does it much more with her mom because her mom ignores her and we don't. As for the hand holding... when we are out, I don't even bother trying to hold his hand because it's not worth upsetting the kids. My kids don't like it when we kiss in public (and I'm talking about a peck). We don't refrain just because the kids don't want us to do that, but what is it proving to do those things. We could say "we're the adults and you kids have no right to tell us what to do" and that would be true. But, then there's bad feelings from the kids to the new partners and hugs, kisses and hand holding are not so important that we will let it cause disharmony... blended families have enough struggles as it is. As for moving away, I don't think the number of miles matters when the kid feels 'my parent loves so and so more than staying here with me'. It is the parent's responsibility to keep up as much contact to make up for leaving as possible. and it's completely different thing when a parent moves for a job, than when a parent moves for a relationship. Kids can understand that dad needs to work to make money to take care of me... but it's harder to understand that dad loves his girlfriend enough to leave and spend less time with me so he can spend more time with her...and her kids... and if the move was made because it is less disruptive to the new girlfriends life (and HER kids) then the kids would probably resent it even more. The biggest beef I've had with SD's mom moving, was THE WAY SHE DID IT. She is an extreme case, no advanced notice... she let us know AFTER she was moved. She left for a guy.. not just any guy, a guy she only knew two or three weeks. and she tried to get SD excited about it, like it was a GREAT thing.... talking about their wonderful house... his dogs.. his kids... Yeah, SD acted excited on the phone with her mom but spent weeks in her room balling her eyes out. Then her mom would cancel weekends, or leave her at grandma's house at noon to go back to BF when she was supposed to keep her til 6... and so obviously, the level of contact went from 50/50 to a day and a half each week... which was shared with a new BF that BM wanted her to call dad (with his kids) & be one happy family. It would have been different if she had spent every minute possible with her kids and called her daughter every evening at bedtime and show SD that SD was a priority... but her moving away the way she did said it all to SD and her mom did nothing to make up for it. The parent that moves away HAS to do more to make up for it because kids are not always able to be forward and honest with the parent because they fear the parent will stop seeing them altogether and they already fear (with good reason as moving is proof to them) that they are less important and less loved than the person they moved for. That's just my nickel's worth of opinion.

Bonnie, It only gets better when they get older if they are taught from the beginning HOW to behave properly. If they are allowed to treat people like crap, they won't wake up one morning & realize they shouldn't act that way. However if the parents are drilling into them to treat people nice, they may wake up one day & realize the parents were right. Usually it happens when they become parents themselves. (and maybe they appreciate or realize how hard it is to be a stepparent when they become one or see a situation that opens their eyes to it) As you can see in other threads, every kid & every situation is different. I read Pseudo's thread where her SD has an about face & now wants to be "friends" with Pseudo after years of animosity. My first inclination is that the SD is going to use her "friendliness" with SM as a weapon to hurt a mom she is angry at, rather than an epiphany that she now realizes how great SM is and loves her for it. I'm not saying she doesn't realize how great Pseudo is, because she does realize Pseudo doesn't treat her as bad as her own mom... but in my opinion, it's more likely a manipulation. My point is that kids do get older & figure things out, form their own opinions, and maybe even stick up for themselves.... but do you really want to go through what Pseudo is going through? Or JustNotMartha? Or me? or any of the other SM's that are in similar situations? We all had the best intentions, have given endlessly & ended up, in one way or another, stressed out & frustrated. and the stress takes it's toll... on our relationships, physical health, mental health, and quality of work. I'm envious of those that can toss back a few drinks, even though I abstain from alcohol because my mom is an alcoholic & I have health problems I don't want to make worse... but I've been on medication, take stress management, go to counseling, and have gained weight because I'm a stress eater. For me, it just keeps getting worse. My SD is 12 now. She knows her mom is full of BS. She knows all I've done for her. But, there are people in their 30's, 40's, and older that can STILL be manipulated. There is no magical age where that ends... it ends when a person decides they are being manipulated and no longer wants to allow someone else to manipulate them. My SD's grandma is in her 70's and still allows BM to tell her what to do. That is what dysfunction is all about. Perhaps there is something in your past that draws you into the situation because that is where you're comfortable?

(I posted this on another forum as well. So many have this issue!) Daddies instinctively protect daughters. Never make them choose between you and the daughters. The only way to, IMHO, to solve this is to convince the dad that forcing the daughter to be self-sufficient is BEST FOR HER, and this is easy to do if you read up on enabling behavior, teaching self-sufficiency, etc. Summary is that he is HARMING her by NOT teaching her budgeting, self-sufficiency, and the joy of building a comfortable life step by step. Children are raised in a family such that by the time they are 18 it is typically more safe and comfortable than if they go out on their own. They have to "step down" in living standards when they start out on their own, and build their own life in order to be comfortable. This natural way to build a life is stripped away by enabling parents who have seen to their children's needs and feel their children should continue at that lifestyle level instead of starting out on their own at a lower level. Remind Dad of his own struggle to become successfully/financially independent, and that he is robbing daughter of this same life journey and the character it builds. The daughter doesn't know anything different, this is what she has been made to expect, so this is, sadly, really ALL the Dad's fault. If the Dad isn't convinced this is the way things should evolve for daughter FOR HER OWN GOOD, then separate your finances, budget for your future including retirement, and require Dad pay his half of your joint expenses. If he can't pay it due to support for daughter, then he is bumming off of you, and you have some hard choices of your own enabling behaviour. Finally, I suggest strongly that the daughter is not just dumped. A timeline needs to be created, maybe 3 years, with firm milestones on becoming self-sufficient, including training for a career. The milestones need to be met every 6 months such as attending training classes, filling out job applications (if needed) x times PER DAY, with consequences spelled out in writing and carried through. Buy Quicken or similar product for daughter to learn about budgeting. I advise NOT being the career adviser, but pointing daughter to state/federal resources and career counselling to teach her how to get help on her own, although funding career counselling may be wise. Read up on tough love and remember that young people's expectations are set by the parent. They don't know any better than what they've been led to believe. Good luck. You only live once.

Chanop -- great pic! I was never really able to let my older son help when he was little because he has special needs. It's really only this year (he's 9) that he's able to do things even close to properly. If I'd given him a rolling pin before now, he would've swung it around until it broke a window or a nose, or bashed a knob off the range, etc. We could never predict what he was going to do. He also could not follow directions at all ("No" meant nothing to him until about a year ago). I guess that's really what stifled my desire to have my boys in the kitchen. Older son was just too difficult and unpredictable until now. And now, my younger son (6) is a speeding bullet! He vibrates and can't sit still or keep his arms in place. They're always waving around, knocking things over. But your post reminded me of something both my boys have been GREAT at for the past year: making homemade corn tortillas! I roll the balls, and they take turns using the tortilla press. Somehow, there's never been a struggle having them help with that. And...we do that at the island.