Consider divorce over step kids

dell123

Hello everyone. Not a great story teller. I will try to be brief.
I have been married 6 years to a widow with two boys11, 13 I had a daughter of myown 11 and now a son 5. Not even sure were to start. I think I need to leave.
My step sons are not terrible. Good grades and some what well behaved. I feel terrible about even speaking about this. But I have been unhappy for very long now.
Starts out. Ss's are spoiled. If they want something they get it regardless of behavior, not really consequences to any actions. I step in and lay some punishments and rules down to only be undermined by my wife. This happens so often it's sad. So. I gave up. I basically don't get involved unless my son is in bio son is involved. He's 5 so the only time he's involved is when he's being mistreated by his older siblings. ( he's not an angel either). But being hit by a 11 year old is a little much for me.
Now my daughter lives about 30 mins away and hasent stayed a weekend at my home since 3 years ago. Basically my wife who has a history of being phycho went nuts on my daughter once agian. Long story short, cops , court, child services lawyers involved. Nightmare! Out come. Visitation modified. Daughter can't stay for weekends unless she chooses to. And she hasent. So basically I see my daughter every other sat. Fml!
Lately I have just been thinking about how easy my life would be had i just never married my wife. I am walking around telling my self how I hate my life. I feel like I am trapped.
Oh btw. I live in my wife's home. She owned it before meeting me. I repectfully don't want any part of it( its not mine). But I say I I want my own home and she Dosent wanna get a new house. Reasons. Where will most of money come from. And if we did have a home together if I died she would have to leave part to my daughter which means my daughters mother would be involved. So basically I hate life right now. Except the other day I took out my daughter and my son together. I felt so in control and free. I thought I could get used to this.
Scraping surface here hope t not to long.

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Comments (9)
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colleenoz

Kind of curious as to why you married someone with a history of being psycho (enjoy living on the edge?) but it does sound like you are unhappy and the differences are unresolvable. If your wife won't come to the party of couples counselling, in your shoes I'd be having a darn good think about cutting my losses. Regain your daughter before it's too late.

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sylviatexas1

too much going on here & only one side of it heard, & everything is someone else's fault.

*Nobody* would want to sell separate property to buy community property.

*Nobody* would want a new spouse to "lay down some punishments" on his/her children.

It's easy to say someone has a history of being psycho, but the story is too general;
police, lawyers, CPS, amended visitation can happen because of any number of reasons.

Once CPS is invited "in", they can't be invited "out", & w've all heard of instances in which CPS is called out of spite.

Your title says the stepsons are the problem, but the post doesn't support that at all.

If you're unhappy, get the heck out.
If you want your own home, buy one.
If your wife really is a nut, file for custody of your son.

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Karen10125

Since you now have a son together, you need to carefully think this thru. I could be reading too much into this, but it almost sounds like you're not even in love with your wife anymore. If that's true, you should leave, it's not fair to anyone. Counseling is the first step here though if both of you are willing. I wish you the best.

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knoco_18

I'm in a similar situation except my husband and I have 2 children together and he has 2 children that he had in a previous relationship. I HATE coming home because I feel like I'm fighting a loosing battle in my own home. We never fight about our children but we constantly fight about his. I'm considering divorce also because I'm miserable. I love my husband but I really really don't care too much for my step kids. We've been married now for 9 years and the situation is getting even more out of hand.

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trentbeitz12

Hi

i have been married 14 yrs, when I first meet my wife she had 3 children . Daughter 7 and son 3

and a baby 6 months old. I choose to have a relationship and marry her as we had a lot in common. Since marrying , we have had 5 boys together , so big family, I worked hard and did everything to raise all the kids thinking I was simply showing my love, while she basically did her own thing, 14 yrs later and I'm a stay home day with the youngest who is 3, but my relation with her daughter and the 2 sons is simply killing the marriage, due to there continuous laziness and self-centredness. I basically have done everything to bring these kids up and am now taken for granted , my wife and I fight all the time over this, it's destroying our relationship. She has never disaplined them , and if I do , I simply cop it, she spoils them and ours, but there's a set of rules for those 3 and totally different set for the others. My first son is now 12 and he simply gets asked to do everything, she won't even bother asking the other 3, so it's a horrible situation

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HU-172008193

Im in a similar situation. I have been married 2yrs. I have a teenage son and my husband has a 7yr old and we have a 1 year old together.

I knew what I was getting into when I said I do. I knew his son had some issues and needed structure, guidance and shown a mother’s love, since his mom abused him.

I have been there since he was 4. He’s now 7 and I am considering divorce because I no longer can take the stress of him any longer. This child will curse you out, talk back to you with no remorse, he destroys everything**. Toys, walls, floors. He bullies kids at school. I have witnessed him hitting my 1 yr old with a switch, pinching him, pulling on his limbs, throwing hot wheels in his face, smacking his face with his bare hands etc. the amount of disrespect would amaze everyone.

He consistently lies about everything, even if it’s something as small as him brushing his teeth. He has stolen things from stores. He has stolen money out of relatives wallets.

Anytime he is asked\told to do anything such as: take a shower, brush his teeth, pick up his toys, clear his plate etc... he throws tantrums that makes toddler tantrums look like a piece of cake.

**Before I came into the picture, there wasn’t any form of discipline to correct his behaviors. He was free to do as he pleased because everyone felt bad for him due to what his mother did.**

I lay down rules. I discipline. I guide and give love. This child doesn’t NOT care. He has told me to my face that he misbehaves because he enjoys being “bad”.

I have dreaded life within the past year and a half. His behavior has worsened, no improvements whatsoever. (**we do have him full time**).

My husband use to tell me that I should just ignore his child and I shouldn’t allow him to get under my skin like that. So I started recording these fights his son picks with me and he realizes now why I am depressed and stressed. He has stepped up with disciplining and will not tolerate any form of disrespect towards me or any human.

No matter what form of discipline we choose, it has ZERO effect on his son. He has been kicked out of preschool 2x and is on the verge of being kicked out of 1st grade.

I dread being here and have thought that divorce is my only option because I no longer feel safe in my home and definitely don’t feel safe with him around my 1yr old.

(He has been seeing a psychiatrist since age 4).

So if divorce is what will make you happy, then do it but think it through because y’all do have a child together.



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colleenoz

You at the least need to live in a separate home with your 1yo. Keeping him in such an unsafe situation could be regarded as child abuse.

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Karen Peltier

A couple of things come up with this. . . First of all, your wife is the one with the problem, it appears, and not as much your step-kids. If step-kids are being lazy, disrespectful, and so on, it is usually because the SO or spouse laid the groundwork for that long ago. It may have even been before you entered the picture. Either your wife is just a lazy parent, or she "enjoys" having an us vs. them mentality in the household. The house may be hers, but the household should unquestionably be both of yours.

It is not easy to blend families in the least. What is central to all getting along is adults being treated like adults, children being treated like children, spouses being treated like spouses, exes being treated like exes, and so on. Unfortunately, what happens too often in step-situations is that these roles get somehow and horribly messed up. As I see in your situation, for example, a child may be treated more like an adult (your SSs), while the adult (you) may be treated more like a child.

This is the setup in your household, it appears. Your wife didn't compromise much when you married. She got to keep her house and got to keep her thumbs of control on the household and got to let her sons run around free, allowing them to do as they so saw fit. You, on the other hand, had to give up far more. You came into a strange house and you and your daughter were both treated like strangers (and still are) vs. your wife laying the groundwork with her own children to make sure that you were accepted and seen as her SO or spouse and not as simply mommy's main squeeze who came along with that pesky other child.

Your wife set this all up for you, and you allowed or are allowing it to continue. And, I actually don't think it is all that uncommon for one of the divorced partners to want to have their cake and eat it too, while the other is expected to give it all up for 'em, unfortunately. Very few understand that fallout from a divorce can continue for years and even a lifetime. Thus, when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship, you are unwittingly taking on all of that turmoil, past, present and future, that can come from someone else's divorce, in addition to your own (if you are divorced too).

I'd also suggest seeing a counselor, but if anything, start out seeing one for yourself. A counselor well-experienced in blended families can give you further insight into what is going on in the household. Maybe at some point, you'd bring you wife in or maybe at some point, you'd decide it is best to just leave. The fact that she refuses to sell her home and get a joint, assuming better suited one for both families, tells me she thinks her and her children's needs are above those of you and yours and any of your children, even the one you had together. But, a counselor can help you break that down further. Take care, and best of luck to you!

Remember, you are not alone by any means, and you were set up, intentionally or not, for this sort of dysfunction in the household long ago. Now you have to deal with the consequences.

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Sunny Daze

I agree with Sylviatexas1 ! BRAVO ! Make a decision & get out of “complaining mode”

I know that complaining about it can become a habit, I take my own advice all the time, chances are....your spouse is unhappy too....time for a marriage counselor & family meeting, time to make some changes or Prozac will become your best friend & no one wins.

If spouse will not listen or go to counseling...then you make the tough changes & make your own decisions. Get out from the grey cloud, there’s lots of sunshine out here ! Good luck !

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