DH & ex have been divorced over 40 yrs, ex entering back into his

Mary1956

11 years ago

Hi,

I'm have a little bit of a situation. My husband and his ex have been divorced for over 40 years. They were married 7 years and have 2 children together. My husband and I have been married 31 years with no children. Lately my younger step son who lives close to his mom has been inviting her to my husbands family gathering when we have not been able to attend. It even caused a problem last Christmas as husbands family wanted to invite her for Christmas even though we would be there and I had to contact them to let them know it was not a good idea as it would make my husband and I feel uncomfortable. I'm really not sure how to handle this. I feel that after 40 years she should have her own life and it really hurts that my stepson is bringing her back into the family. I feel it disrespects me and his Dad. Even if we are not going to be there I don't see the necessity of inviting her. She does nothing but bad mouth my husband for things that occurred when they were married. Part of which are untruths. I know his family has an attachment to her as she is the mother of his 2 children. And because we have none together I kinda of feel like I'm not important. When we visit our son his mom texts and calls him constantly the whole time we are there. I understand from his wife that she doesn't do this when we are not there. I just would truly like her out of my life and out of my business. Anyone have some words of wisdom?

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Comments (11)

Mom-of-all-trades
11 years ago
Number 1... Do not discuss with S daughter in law!

Mom has not left her son's life and never will. I would bet he was encouraged to invite her by your husbands family. They probably thought there was no foul since you would not be there any way. You said you had to contact them to let them know it was a bad idea. What did your husband think? Is it possible they contacted him first?

If mom talks bad about dad at his family's function then chances are it will be the last time she is invited.
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Mary1956
Original Author
11 years ago
Yes, I told my S daughter-in-law that I did not want to discuss DH's ex with her and pretty much wanted ex out of my life. I don't want her knowing my business. I feel bad for saying this as SDL has issues with her but I just don't want to hear about it. I suggested to speak to someone about her and I would talk to her about anything else just not my husbands ex.

My husband was on board with me contacting his family about ex coming to Christmas. One of his nieces had sent out an email to everyone so I responded to just her on behalf of my DH and myself. He didn't want her there. That's why he divorced her.... I guess I just don't understand people that are clueless to the feelings of others.

When the ex talks bad about things that happened over 40 years ago, I don't think it's to my husbands family. Just to their kids and SDL. I'm very close to my SDL and enjoy her company but at this point I'm feeling like I don't want to go and visit them once a month like we have been.

We just had our grandkids out (from DH's older son) for a week which we paid for. Somehow it got extended so they could go visit their uncle and my DH's ex and she stayed with husbands younger son and grandkids. They did all the family things with DH's family and my husband just said that's another group and I don't want to hear about it. So am I wrong in thinking that his ex is part of that group being my husbands Dad, Brother, nieces etc and I'm not? Because that's the way I'm feeling right now.
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Amber3902
11 years ago
Your husband needs to handle this. I realize that he gave the go ahead for you to contact his family about the ex coming to Christmas, but when the message comes from you it just looks like you're being insecure or jealous.

HE needs to contact his family and ask them not to invite his ex-wife. HE needs to tell his son to knock it off and stop inviting the ex-wife to family functions.

If she wants to hang out with her ex-husband's family on her own time you can't stop that, but your husband's family need to respect the relationship you and your husband have and not invite her to family functions when you are expected to be there.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Fri, Aug 2, 13 at 12:52
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amyfiddler
11 years ago
Why did your husband leave it to you to contact his family about this?

I bet if he were your champion you would not feel so unimportant. This sounds more like an issue that can be worked out between you and your husband. No one else "really" matters in the story.
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kkny
11 years ago
Your husbands family are adults. If they want to invite their grandchild or nephew/niece's mom, they can. It is then your decision if you want to attend. You can not tell other adults what to do.
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dotz_gw
11 years ago
I would tell all the relatives, if the Ex is invited, don't invite you and your DH...They can choose who they want to attend...Still go thru this , if I know she ll be there, I send a gift and regrets..Like you said, the clueless ones still do this, the ones that want to see us do not...
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Mary1956
Original Author
11 years ago
Thank you all for you input and advice. I agree with you in that my husband needs to handle his family and yes be my champion. Which over the years I can honestly say I haven't felt that he has been. But yes, letting him be accountable for his family, I agree is the best for all. Again, thank you.
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rrah
11 years ago
So you've been married for over 30 years and are still in a tit about the ex wife being invited to join her children and grandchildren at family gatherings? You have to be at least 60 years old yourself.

Something is wrong here, and it's not a family inviting an ex-wife to a gathering. It's not even a husband not sticking up for you.
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emma
11 years ago
Over the years I came to like my husband's ex better than him in a way. I could not discuss his children with him even if I bragged on them for being such good parents. He would just grunt. The ex invited me over for the holidays one time and I told her that would not be a good idea. When asked why I said I might say something about your kids you won't like. She laughed and said I am very disappointed in my children and you can say anything you like. I rented one of our rentals to her and she turned it into a home instead of a rental. We visited often while my husband was repairing something and did discuss her kids. I loved her laughter and fully understood why she left him and why she had tried to get him back. It was never serious always with a touch of humor.
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teachfamily
11 years ago
Mary 1956, whoever said that there is something wrong with you because it bothers you that your husband's ex-wife is included in his family in a way you aren't has obviously never experienced this kind of hurtful treatment. I have! I am not sure why people act as they do, but a friend of mine told me that many people just don't have the ability to think about other people's feelings like "we" do. I am not sure I agree, but I do see it on a daily basis.

Why your husband's ex-wife doesn't see how inappropriate her attendance at his family functions is eludes me. My guess is that she doesn't give a rat's a__ about your husband or you. She must not have any pride. Maybe she does it to hurt your husband and you. Even if your husband says something to his family, it may not help. I am in almost the identical situation, and although my husband and I haven't been married for as long as you, his ex-wife attends many of his families events. To make matters worse, she had an affair that ended their relationship about 15 years ago, and his family seems to not care. She has driven a wedge between him and his kids, and they don't seem to care about that either. And she has done everything she can to prevent me from having a relationship with his adult kids, and for some reason these kids just allow themselves to be manipulated.

I hate to say this, but there is probably not much you can do about the situation unless your husband can influence his family. In my mind, they shouldn't have to understand why it bother's you, they should just accept that it does, that YOU are part of the family, and that they should make things comfortable for YOU.

Good luck and let us know how things work out!
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Mary1956
Original Author
11 years ago
Teachfamily, Thank you for your response. Sounds like your in a tough situation as well. On my end it just seems strange that after such a long time my husbands family feels the need to include her. I'm really not sure what that is all about. But one thing I believe it is, is that she is the mother of his children and we never had any children. This is my first marriage and his second. I'm 57 and he is 12 years older. (to answer rrah's statement). But the good thing is I have a loving family who loves me and my husband and they would never have insulted him the way my husband family has me. And I would never let them get away with it if they did.

rrah, I'm interested to hear what you might mean.
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