All I can say is WOW!!! I don't know what issue is worse on that list. Though as a mom I think having my child forced to refer to me by my first name is pretty high on the list of NO NO's! Your ex sounds like a real jerk and I am assuming his wife feeds on this nonsense as well.

Just keep holding your head up high and being the better parent.

(((Myfampg)))

I don't know which on your list is the worst, but the one about your daughter getting grounded because you took the blue feather out of her hair just burns me up!
She should not be punished for something you did. GRRRRRR! I totally agree that a blue feather in her hair is not appropriate for school.

And not being able to call you mom at their house? Oh no. My BF's son asks me if he can call me mom. I tell him no, he has a mom. If nothing else she has earned that title by carrying him for nine long months of pregnancy and deserves that small bit of respect. How dare they!

You are being the better person, and one day it will come back to you, at least by knowing you don't stress your daughter out the way she probably gets stressed out at her dad's house.

I'm just going to throw out some advice, take the ones you like, leave the ones you don't.
I believe you said your daughter is ten years old? I know it sucks, but it sounds like you're going to have to pick up the slack for the nights that your daughter is at your ex�s. Make sure she has lunch money for the days she's at her dad's. Don't let her take library books over there so they won't get lost. Can you talk to her teacher, explain the situation and see if the teacher would be willing for your daughter to make up the reading homework on the nights you have her?

Some of the stuff try not to let it get to you - the list of questions at dinner time - okay, anal and annoying, but you can't control that and tell yourself that it isn't really hurting your daughter. Dropping her off at school in the morning 20 minutes early, yeah, scary, but tell yourself it's only 20 minutes.

What I'm trying to say is, try to fix the things you can, and the things you can't - try not to focus on the negative. I know, easier said than done. These are just some suggestions I have, you don't have to take them.

And vent away to your therapist! I'm sure she'll have some good advice to help you cope with this difficult situation. Hang in there.

I don't think it will be long before Little Myfam begins to compile her own list of things she'd like to address with her father...and it will be 'own up to it dad' time.

1. Dad, why did you not answer me when I called for your birthday? It really hurt my feelings that I reach out to you and you don't care.
2. Dad, because of you I can't be in band. Why did you remove the note? Do you get some warped giggle out of such actions?
3. Dad, why do you insist I call my mother by her first name? Does that mean you would prefer I also call you by your first name?
4. Dad, why do you punish me for Myfam's actions of removing an old time worn out feather from my hair? Instead of denying me being able to go outside for a month why don't you call and ask Myfam about it?
5. Dad do you realize once again that I will have another school year of very little activity while stepsister participates in things? Do you think I enjoy watching someone have a childhood but not myself?
6. Dad, did you know that most girls my age shower and wash their hair every evening? Why do you want me to smell or not look my best? You do realize, right, that I am a beautiful child, why don't you want me to be?
7. Dad, did you know that other students at my school have lunch provided for them every single day?
8. Dad, why don't you bother to want to see me on your days to have me? Why do you cancel all the time?
9. Dad, when you do want me to come you are never home and never spend time with me. Why can't I stay home on those weekends?
10. Dad, why is it ok with you to drop me off in a deserted public place way too early, but it's not ok for me to stay in my own home for an hour by myself?
11. Dad, why is it that nothing I do is ever ok in your eyes? In your eyes I seem to do everything wrong, I seem to say everything wrong?

And on and on the possible dinner table conversation topic could go. The list will grow as she gets older. One of these days when DD is not so young and vulnerable these are the exact same things she will be confronting her father over plus. And she'll make him own it. Since she now realizes that merely breathing seems to get her in trouble at her father's house, she has begun to know that there is really nothing 'wrong' with HER. None of it is her fault and never really was. Dad is a weak puppy lead around by a mean nasty sick woman. Dad's controling abusive ways and/or giving stepmother permission by him to be indictive and cruel to her are his problem, their problem, not anything she has done, said, not done, not said. She's Ok, always was, they are not, never were.

And the day will come Little Myfam is a young woman and DD no longer has to go there and smile, mind her manners and be tormented and foolishly punished for the slightest made-up nonsensical infraction of being a normal child...the choice to continue a relationship will be hers. Right now, things don't look to be weighing in this father's favor. If he loses the privilege of having his one and only daughter in his life, it will be no one's fault but his own and he will be missing out on knowing and being a part of a very special young lady's life.

Myfam, the girl is lucky she has a normal stable home that you and your DH provide. One full of love and laugher and a true basis to go on to be a functional healthy happy adult...you help her balance out the nuthouse she has to endure with her father. You keep her grounded and sound. She also has a little brother that will help teach her what real family bonds are about. She will be ok.

Incognito- thanks! It burns me up when she tells me this but I smile and say 'but you know who your momma is and that's what matters, names are just names'. Then she adds, oh they said calling you momma is too immature (but taking a bath every night is too mature?).

Amber-- thanks for the advice - I take it to heart honestly! I learned a long time ago that I can't control what they do at their house and honestly I don't even want to fight with him over all the little things. I guess they taught me that talking to a brick wall is not fun and the more I rant, the more they WIN!!
As far as being dropped off at the school early, no it probably won't hurt her but when the school says not to do this, then I think it's a problem. I have forWarded the schools letters stating this is a NoNo but he ignores it. Of course, he couldn't possibly let his boss know that one day a week he *might* be a little late. Afterall, I have to make changes at work and MY boss is expected to be ok with HIS cancellations that interfere with MY work schedule. But I do get what you are saying

JMT. You hit the nail on the head. I wrote a list like this to my own father just a little over a year ago. Of course my questions were never answered but his silence told me what I needed to know. Dd will surely have her long list when she is older, however I think she is already starting it. I didn't want that for my daughter. When she was born, I envisioned her having a life I didn't have. Both mom and dad ALL the time. Not having extended family and steps and missing seeing Dad's face in the crowd. I guess I wanted it so much for myself, I put my desires on my new baby. We can't all have the perfect little family ... But Dh and I are trying to be that support for her and be that stable home.

Today we went to a soccer game for DS. Dd tagged along and was really bored. I suspect this is how she is when tagging along with stepsister. She used to love that girl and I notice that even when she speaks her name, it's a different tone. She hates seeing her dad cheering on the sidelines for stepsister but hasnt been to a dance recital for Dd in 6 years. He has always received a formal invitation with directions. Has never attended. Has never been to a school play or program but his 'maybe I can come' has her scanning the audience in anticipation to see his face. On a personal, selfish note, I'm glad he doesn't come but now I'm to the point where I wish he would show up and I find myself scanning the audience as well...

Dd told me last night that I was the 'fun' parent. I said 'oh I don't know if I like that... I think I might have to sharpen my mean parent stick'.
She said no I just don't like how stepmom talks to me. She hates my clothes, she makes me eat all of her nasty food. I said oh well... You can't compare me to stepmom because I don't wear the same hat as her, just Dad. She said oh I don't know about Dad, I think he is scared not to eat her food too. He might have to Stand in the corner. I said 'Dd that's not funny (Dh spit some water) don't make fun of your dad and stepmom, I won't allow that kind of talk.' she said 'well if she would stop frowning she might not have that wrinkle down her face and I told her she is much prettier when she smiles'. I said OMG DD!! What? You said that to her??
Although inside I was slightly proud that Dd is FINALLY standing up for herself, I won't tolerate that AND I am actually concerned for her safety. Talking back to or ugly to SM might cause her to endure even more abuse. I don't want her thinking it's ok to disrespect an adult (even if said adult deserves it). Allowing it with one sends the message she can pick and choose who she respects. Which one day might be ME. So no. No way little Dd, can't talk like that.

She also brought home a little doll that bd gave her and she has not put it down. She slept with it, carried it with her today and is playing with it right now. It's something special from her Daddy and that made her feel like his little princess again. If he only *knew* what harm he was causing but I'm not sure he would notice or care.

Thanks for letting me vent! I really enjoyed your list JMT. I want to share it with my Dh. Lol he will get a kick out of it. He is so clingy to him today. He said he Loves the attention but it just concerns him ... She distances herself from him before going to her Dad's and then she comes home and hangs all over Dh. I just told him to enjoy it. A day will come where she will not want to be hugged and loved on because she is too old!

There is a saying "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned."

This is what you did when you said "you know who your momma is and that's what matters, names are just names'."
I bet when you said that to your daughter you probably felt good. I know I would have. You know your daughter knows who you are, and that's all that matters.

And what your daughter said about stepmom making daddy stand in the corner made me laugh. "she said 'well if she would stop frowning she might not have that wrinkle down her face and I told her she is much prettier when she smiles'." What a smart, funny and insightful girl! I think we know where she gets that from. *wink*

I can relate to your feelings about wanting a good dad for your daughter. We all know how important a father is in a girl's life and it pained me to see my daughter's father ignoring her. It has only been since we've been divorced that he has actually started spending time with her. He still isn't the best of fathers, but at least he is paying some attention to her now. I used to blame myself because I felt I had not picked a very good father, but then I realized my ex was the one who had failed our daughter, not me. I am also very grateful that my father is there as a good male role model to her. Sounds like your daughter has a good role model in your husband as well.

Feel free to vent, scream, yell. You deserve it.

I believe in my State after age 12 you do not have to force a child to visit NC parent if they do not want to go.

Amber had some good advice when she suggested you talk to the teacher. I'm a teacher. I have worked with parents and students in exactly that situation where work is not done in one home or the other. I have often emailed the custodial parent the homework for the week so it can be done at their home because it won't be supported or completed at the other home. I do allow double "reading log" time for the same reason. Speak to your daughter's teacher either by phone, email or a short meeting after school. Hopefully he/she will work it out with you.

As for her being dropped off too early, what kind of principal do you have? Maybe you can also explain the situation to them. The principal could make a phone call to bd saying that he has been observed dropping her off too early and if it continues they will call Division of Youth and Family Services (or whatever your state has). This way the principal could keep you out of it.

Good luck. From the other things you wrote, it does sound like your daughter is a pretty intelligent girl!

Eandhl-- I wish!! Here, although the law states an attorney ad lietum can be ordered to talk to the child for the judge, they will only take in to consideration what the child says. And most of the time, the visitation has to be enforced until 18 or graduation. I don't want to stop visits, I just want them to STOP being nuts!! all the time and be 'normal'. SM and I are just from two different worlds. She is almost 20 years older than me,11 years older than her husband (my ex/BD). I know that the day will come that my daughter is going to flat out refuse to go and that's when things are going to explode.

Carabubble: can I pick your brain? I have been very cautious in what I say to the teachers because I don't want it to appear I am bad mouthing dad. Her kindergarten teacher was straight out of school and got 'us' in her class... Lucky her. This was a very difficult year. It was a power struggle. (I've changed a lot in5 years) I was constantly fighting stepmom for my rights as mom. I don't *fight* it much now because the school know who I am at this point and knows pretty well the situation. If Sm wants to show herself or demand this or that, I stand in the background to appear to be the level headed of the three. My husband doesn't get involved so they deal with me, stepmom and occasionally dad. The school did tell stepmom on their own that they could not release info or allow her signature because she is not the custodial parent. I didn't even have to ask them to do anything, they just noticed that this child is getting duplicate signatures and duplicate responses and some times the answers were different and confusing to the school. So... What I am wanting to know is: what is the best way for me to approach this years teacher? This is her second year, she is young, Dd says she is super strict, I've emailed twice to let her know of pick up changes and I never got a response to those... So from the no response, I got the impression either she doesn't have time to reply or she didn't care. How would I go about letting her know please don't send home paperwork or homework home on this night and is it ok for us to work out a schedule so that she can not be marked against because it's not her fault? Without it seeming like 1. I'm asking for an exception to the rules 2. Without sounding like I'm pointing fingers, struggling over 'mom power' or alienating dad?

Thanks for your input! I really would rather the school to not be involved but I guess they need to know what is going on so that Dd isn't always in trouble.

just be honest. A simple our situation is difficult and because of reasons out of DDs control homework can not be sent home or done on this day. Clarify that the homework can be completed the day before or after. Point out that teacher saw evidence of the inability to do homework the last two weeks. something like "for reasons beyond my or my daughters control homework is not completed x day that she is not in my home. As you know we are in a joint custody situation and things are difficult. However, I do value her education and want to make sure everything is taken care of and completed if you could work with me and dd on x day during the week and not send the paper homework home. Make no mistake DD will complete the homework just either the day before or after which ever is best for you. I just dont want adult issues to affect her education or grades." I have had to have a few tough (delicate) conversations with teachers and all you do is emphasize what is in important to you and point out the evidence the teacher can already see and they can fill in the blanks. If she really doesnt want to work with you... I would go over her head. There is no reason why DDs grade should suffer for something that she can do nothing about.

I don't think it's bad mouthing dad if you just tell the truth and keep any emotion out of it.

If you've emailed the teacher twice and she hasn't responded, I'd schedule a meeting to discuss the situation to her and work out some sort of arrangement. And like momof4 says if you still don't get a response, I'd go over her head and meet with the principal. I've had to do that myself once when I wasn't getting anywhere with my daugther's teacher.

I know you don't want to cause problems, but you gotta do what you have to for your daughter's sake!

Good luck!

I also don't think you are bad mouthing BD by telling your daughters teacher that the night she is at dads they do not allow her time to do her home work/reading.You are just stating truth/facts. Its a shame this is the truth but the important issue here is your daughter and her education. Not worrying about stepping \on dads toes.
Refuse to give her lunch money nor make her lunch.You mean dad is aware of the fact that daughter goes with out food the day he sends her?? Wow Nice guy he should skip lunch and so should step mom that day also.. I know in reality you make sure she does have lunch money. Wonder if dad knows this so he doesn't bother to offer money for that day?
School does not ALLOW drop off before 7:20 and he drops here off at 7:00 then the school needs to be aware of this and tell dad no more 7:00 drop off. This is down right dangerous if she can not get inside the school for 20 minutes!
And she can not refer to her own MOM as MOM Just WOW Un real...Does she have to call step mom ,mom? I sure hope not.
You should go in person and deal with the school issues.

Yes she has to call stepmom Mom. She does it so she won't get into trouble. She doesn't like it because it's awkward to her. Dad and I divorced when she was 4. Dad met stepmom during seperation. Dd met stepmom right after divorce. Dd called stepmom by her first name for the next 4 years but then all of a sudden, she has to start calling her Mom just in the past 8 months. It's so weird.

Oh Dd asked me a weird question today. I had a lightbulb go off in my head and I wanted to tell y'all. She just out of the blue said, I think it's so weird that my dad has to pay you money but you have a car and he doesn't.
I just paused for a minute not sure how to answer because I have never told Dd about child support. So I asked her to explain her concern further because I wasn't understanding her point. She said you and Stepdad work, Dad works but he makes more money than both of you and you still have a nicer car than he does, he doesn't even have his own car.. So many thoughts went through my head and later, my Dh and I brought it up to each other and we laughed that both of us had the same thoughts... 'well if stepmom would get a job then maybe your daddy could buy himself a new car! AND SM drives a car that cost what mine and DHs cars combined cost... But alas that wasn't my response. I just told her yes Dad pays what is called child support and it's court ordered. You live more time with me and so the state says that both parents have to equally provide for their kids and that means he gives us money to help pay for your clothes, shoes, toothpaste, roofing, heat, water, etc. AND daddy doesn't have a car of his own because he has a vehicle that is provided for him by his boss and so he doesn't need one of his own, right? She said OH that would be so silly for him to have two cars. Every morning he would have to flip a coin to see which one to drive!

Why does this jerk think he has to share every detail with our daughter?? She does not need to know the ins and outs of family court... I do wish there was a way to prove all of this and put his butt back on supervised visits where he belongs!

Myfampg- Mom of 4 put it well. I would follow her advice, but if possible would try to do it in a quick meeting after school one day. That's been pretty much what parents have done/said to me. Just be prepared - the teacher will probably want the homework completed the day before. As for the teacher not answering the change of pickup, she probaby did not have the time. I know I don't get to the email much during the school day, especially with technology that's linked to my computer and being used with the students.

Thanks for the advice. I talked with her third grade teacher and I thought i was being delicate but then I felt like it made her feel uncomfortable and I don't want my daughter to suffer because we suck at co parenting. The teacher kind of disengaged from me and from Dd. And Dd adored her.

I just don't want them to see me coming and think OMG there she is! Lol

All I can add is that I would not include the missed visits on the list of gripes. I'd count it as a blessing, each & every time he isn't around that poor child. He's destroying his own relationship & the day of reckoning is coming. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

My goodness can I relate to your list. Some of the things sound exactly like my story. I have just had to come to terms that I am not the same kind of parent that BD is and I can only control what goes on in my house, not his.

And about BD & SM sharing too much info with the kids, mine does it too. Just recently future SM showed one of my DDs BDs paycheck stub and said - Look, this is how much your dad would bring home but he only gets this much because your mom takes all his money. I just couldn't believe that she had the nerve to share that kind of info with my kid. I would love to approach BD about this but DD says not to because she will get in trouble for talking about what goes on in his house. She has been told before by BD that she DOESN'T need to tell me everything that goes on in their house.

Wow that is messed up. I think most sane adults realize that finances are something you do not talk about with kids. My kids have no idea how much I make, or their mom. I have a friend who has a kid who is always asking my son how much I make...makes me think he knows how much his dad makes and wants to rub it in if its more than me....

When money comes up, I just try to get them (my kids) to appreciate what they have....tough these days with so many spoiled kids out there...ugh! Oh wait, my kids are spoiled too...maybe that's why it doesn't work...gee, thanks [insert ex-wife's name here]...LOL!

--" Just recently future SM showed one of my DDs BDs paycheck stub and said - Look, this is how much your dad would bring home but he only gets this much because your mom takes all his money."

I'm not sure which is most distrubing to me. That a future SM (has not even said "I do" yet) did this to your child, or that the future SM actually thinks this way. I think the latter. To me that seriously indicates that each and every time this lady has the slightest money trouble she will blame it entirely on the existance of her future husband's first child. That just p*sses me off. Then no doubt this future SM will think it's a great idea to reproduce even more little ones stretching out her to be husband's income even further and the first born child will become more and more a financial burden to 'her family'. How about instead Ms Future SM bring home more income herself and stop worrying about what little comes out of Daddy's paycheck to help assist in supporting...or find a different guy to marry without previous children. Men and woman need to seriously think about money and the will we have/won't we have 'enough' when starting a relationship with another person that has children from a previous relationship.

I highly doubt that if Ms Future Wife/SM has children with your daughter's father and then gets a divorce the lady would forego children support so not to burden the guy and any still future GFs/Spouses.

Why don't we all just hold up our own pay stubs and say 'see, this is what I would bring home if I did not have the responsibility of paying taxes, having insurance deducted, pension savings blah blah...now wouldn't that be just dandy'.

Well I also know that BD gives everyone his sob story that he's broke all the time so it's both of them. Also if he notices something new at our home he runs and tells people that his CS is paying for this or that. WHATEVER! I guess he fails to remember that DH & I go to work everyday and earn a paycheck too! He's upset that I provide a nice home for his children to live in (we have 3 together)?? Really? I guess he would feel better if we lived in the slums. BTW - He had a vasectomy done so he can't have anymore children...THANK GOD.

I did not get a chance to read this whole thread but wanted to say that what your ex and stepmom are doing is ABUSE. It's mental abuse. I know money is an issue and you have spent a fortune already but maybe the state could help you. I don't know anything
about how that stuff works. But something needs to be done to keep your dd from being treated like this. They must just be awful people. I admire you for trying so hard to make peace with them.

Read your post today, and I want to say THANK YOU! I appreciate you sharing. While I realize this was posted over two years ago, I am currently going through the same situation with my son, and ex-husband.

You are a wonderful Mom! I hope that by now the situation is much different and that all is well for you and your daughter. Namaste