Stepmom for 13 years...I'm tired

17 years ago

Is there anyone out there that is a step-mom that does not have any biological children of their own? I have been a step-mom to 4 kids for 13 years now and I'm just plain tired and resentful. I feel guilty for feeling this way and don't know if I have the right to feel angry. I married my DH when I was 24 and he was 31. He had just got out of his 12 year marriage to his first wife a year before we dated and she is the mother of all the kids. I am truly jealous of her to the point of obsession and always have been. I think its because she is "mom" even though I've helped raise them half time (we have joint custody) for all these years and I still don't get appreciated like her and loved like her. However, I do everything she does for them and more. My husband spoils the kids and feels that they are entitled to get whatever I get. If he buys me something, they too should get something. I disagree because I'm the parent, adult and I go to work every day to help provide for these kids. My paychecks go into the same pot to pay the mortgage for the big house they live in, the utilities they use, the clothes they wear, the food they eat, etc., yet I'm not thanked for all I do for them--only mom and dad are thanked and appreciated. My husband had a vasectomy after his divorce ,which is why we did not have a child. I am now 35. I have lots of resentment and anger and I don't know if I should call it quits or seek counseling or what? Any advice from anyone in a similar situation out there?

Kim

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Comments (12)

jillzy
17 years ago
Kim
First time reading this site, but had to respond. I can't have children of my own (fertility issue). My husband and I meet 8 years ago and have been married 6 years.We live in Calif and his son use to live with BM in New Mexico.He would come visit every other holiday and 8 weeks in summer. 2 years ago son came to us full time. Last 2 years have been difficult. I too feel resentment and anger. In our house I'm the disiplinary, and my husband is the ignore it man. SS has lied,stolen, and last year we had a pregnacy scare (AT 14). Thats when I "gave up". SS and I had gotten along until then, but now I just can't get over it. He lies to everyone about everything and that is my top rule in life. NO LIES !!! Over the last year about every month or 2 SS says he want to move back to BM in New Mexico, then 5 days later says "I not going back to that hell hole". He has been back in New Mexico for 8 weeks for the summer and called tonight saying he wants to move there. DH says no, but I say let him go back. DH really is only afraid of going back to paying child support and worried BM will want more than last time. BTW we have not collected a penny in 2 years from BM. We pay everything, but we pay everything (clothes, medical insurance, sports,ect) when he lives with BM and we pay child support. I say oh well, happiness is worth paying child support. I often feel that if I had my own children I would be more mothering, but it just doesn't come naturally for my step son. I just don't have that special bond. I really do try, but I guess thats why god decided I shouldn't have child of my own.
I don't want him back, but I don't know what else to do. I guess I just suck it up and do what is right for the child. We do provide better living conditions.
brass_tacks
17 years ago
Kimberly,
About your husband not giving you anything unless he gives his children something too. It might be that somewhere in the past your husband experienced jealousy and it made a big enough impression that he doesn't want his children to feel jealous if he should get you something and not include them. My dad was a little like that, but dad didn't have much money. So if he bought mom something nice, he might get us kids a candy bar or an ice cream cone--you get the idea.

Be a little more specific--are there financial restraints your husband is ignoring? Is your husband being overly generous because your income allows him that pleasure? Is it possibly that he wants to get his children something and knows that you would feel slighted if he didn't get you something too?

Are future events being saved for? Like education, start-ups in business, etc.?
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organic_maria
17 years ago
We are having a situation as well in my family. I didnt' think i could get pregnant but low and behold i did. Andi didn't want kids either. I was happy with my DH two kids. He doesn't have custody of them.
We are going to engage in a court battle soon to lower the amount of child support. Its actually a clean cut deal. It will be calculated according to salaries and liabilities from a government formula and the ex cannot dispute it. She is just sooooooo pist that any money will be cut off. Anyways...she is now manipulating her kids. Its not working on her daughter but her son is young and wet behind the ears. So now adays he is refusing to come over. My DH said..fine, i'll pick up my daughter and he can stay home with his mother. It stung on both ends. I could see the pain in him but he told me, he is not giong to force his son to come for the weekend and be miserable. He's sacrifice his happiness for his son. And i told him , dont think of it that way. Cause when both your kids get into their teens , they wont want to come around. Not that they dont love you but they want their friends.
For me, if he comes fine..if he doesn't..fine. But in your case kim...i think its best just let him go if he wants. Especially if he is lying and stealing.Mind you..i would let go that easy. How about the father disciplining his kid and teaching him about safe sex and not lying. Sounds to me you shouldn't let him go just to teach him some good for his life!!!
bnicebkind
17 years ago
Seek counceling as I think it will help you to become clearer about your future, and come to peace with the last 13 years. At the very least, counceling can be a healthy way to get the hurt and anger out, and gain perspective that can be enormously freeing to your spirit.
indigobirder
17 years ago
I think counceling would help too and maybey you want to look at adopting or foster parenting. I have been a stepmother for 9 years, I had a baby three years ago. There was a time my husband told me he didn't want more kids and that didn't bother me then but eventually as I got older it did. After some counceling together we decided to have another. We have physical custody of the kids. I think I have a great relationship with them but I do get jelouse of thier mother. I work so hard for them, and she shows up now and then and is the center of thier world. She would tell the kids they needed to respect me as an adult but only that, I was not a parent to them. I realized one day that I was letting this affect my relationship with my stepdaughters who loved me very much. It took me a long time to let it go but I did and now know that the kids really do appreciate everything I do for them and love me very much.
You need to have some good conversations with your husband, if it's too hard get some help opening those lines of communication, counceling for both of you if he will go or go alone if he won't. I am willing to bet after exploring these issues you will be able to find peace with your family. And don't forget your stepchildren are very likely to pick up on your feelings, they will return your love and respect just as they weill return your apprehension.
sweeby
17 years ago
"So now adays he is refusing to come over. My DH said..fine, i'll pick up my daughter and he can stay home with his mother."

Maria - PLEASE don't let your DH do that to his son. The boy is acting out because he is angry and immature, and feels he needs to display some loyalty to his mother. Your husband needs to be the adult here, and not allow the relationship to disintegrate. Because disintegrate it will if visitation is allowed to stop. Either ignore the outburst, or insist on proper respect and decent behavior -- but make the kid visit.

Kimberly - Please seek counseling on this, and get your DH to go with you. Your feelings are valid, and you have some legitimate grievances. Your DH probably just can't acknowledge them because he doesn't know how to fix the problems, and that kind of powerlessness is hard on a man.
organic_maria
17 years ago
Sweeby,

I know, but my husband is very stubborn and once he sets his mind to something...he does it. But he does it with some consideration. He let him do it 2 times now. my husband was very hurt but he doesnt want to force his son either. He wants him to come if he wants. Not cause he is beign forced. So...we didnt' see him for 3 weeks. The grandparents took them on vacation. when they came back he wanted to stay home for that weekend even though it was my HD's turn to have them. Then teh following week which is now, he is here. Happy, and keeps huggin his dad. So.....yes my hubby acts liek a kid sometimes but at times his kid needs to feel the sting to appreciate what he really has. And we always insist on respect. His father drills it. But its difficult cause when he leaves, he gets no discipline from mommy and then we get the bag again the following weekend.
sweeby
17 years ago
Thank goodnes he came this weekend!

My DH was in the exact same position, acted the exact same way, and ended up not seeing his children for almost 5 years. His ex continued to brainwash them against him, and they kept on not wanting to see him. They've repaired the relationship now, but his children still haven't gotten over 'feeling' abandoned. Even though they were old enough to remember that they were the ones who refused visits, they still blame DH for allowing the rift to happen.
organic_maria
17 years ago
Yah, i'm happy too. He's a good boy. Just being manipulated. But this mornign they both came to me and told me how verbally abusive their stepfather is to them. i was in total shock. He swears at them and completely treats them different from his son. My SS said he was lazy and didn't have a job. Does nothing around the house. He does this stufff behind their mothers back. And when they tell their mom they get punished for it!!! Can you believe it?????? I told their dad today , he is raving mad! He said if it continues he is going for custody.
Sorry Kim!!! this thread is taking a run in another direction. I apolize!
BTW, howis your situation coming along kim? How are you feeling?
As for feeling used because teh same cash goes to the pot..i did not allow this. I kept separate accounts because of his past life. I will not payinto childsupport and other things. That was not my past life. If i choose to purchase things, its because i have control to do so...not let my hubby use my cash for his stuff....sorry but that is my feelign on that. Too many couples fight over how things are spent. And frankly my spending habits are different from my hubbies so accoutns are separate.
hope all is well.
bananarama_1
17 years ago
I am a "bonus" mom of 3, for over 20 years, without my own bio children. I have always loved children and it never entered my mind that I wouldn't have any. But I met the man of my dreams and decided I couldn't live without him. Your story sounds quite a bit like mine, I was 24, he was 34 when we married. He was married for 8 years, we met 3 years later. He had a vasectomy and I married him knowing full well that he did not want any more children. I can't say I was jealous of his ex, but she was jealous of me, being 10 years younger, great career, living large. We only had the kids during vacations and summer, but we fought plenty over them being spoiled and him excusing their behavior because of the guilt he felt.
About 14 years ago, we explored the possiblilty of having a child together; my clock was ticking so loud, I couldn't hear myself think. Then his oldest came to live with us full time (the other 2 followed shortly after) and it was enough for me to change my mind.
Over the years I have learned to deal with the way my bonus kids treat me vs. their bio parents. They will always have a bond that can never be replaced, no matter how much they love me. But I look at the other side. Because of the way I have treated them (for the most part), being loving, consistant and fair, even when I didn't want to, I tend to receive more respect than their mom. They argue with her, scream at her and say things I sometimes can't believe. When they want to be babied (yes, even when the oldest is 33!!), they go to their mom. When they want honest advice about relationships, computers, or what appliances to buy, they come to me. We hang out with the kids, have parties, go to concerts, boating and beaching. Their bio mom will sometimes go, but most of the time is babysitting the grandkids.
That brings me to the next part....your stepkids will most likely start a family of their own. If you have a good relationship with them, you will have the opportunity to love your granchildren as if they were your own. They will not know the difference, they will not know your blood does not run through their veins. I have provided childcare for 2 of my three grandsons since they were born and they love me just as much as their other grandmothers. This has been the most rewarding part of all the years of step-parenting. And the best part is I can love them to pieces, take them places, do fun things, and then I give them back!
If you are truly in love with your husband and think you can live your life without a child of your own, then I would suggest you do anything you need to hold on to your marriage and make it work. Whether it's counseling, self-help books, or joining a support group...go for it! Life is too short and you're not getting any younger!
Good luck to you. I hope this helps!
brass_tacks
17 years ago
Kimberly,
Do you decide where your money goes?
tvtalk06
17 years ago
I saw all of your postings and I'm very interested in speaking with you. My name is Stacie, I'm with the Dr. Keith Ablow Show, a new daytime television show debuting in September. Dr. Ablow is a renowned psychiatrist who's goal is to advise, educate and inform, not to judge or sensationalize. The opposite of Dr.Phil's approach in every way. He's younger, approachable and genuinely interested in helping people strategize and take away tools for a healthier life. You may have seen Dr. Ablow on TV, he's a frequent guest on Oprah, Good Morning America, CNN, etc. as an expert. He was also a
practicing psychiatrist in Boston. To find out more about Dr. Keith please
visit www.keithablow.com
I am looking to speak with stepmoms and stepdads about what their lives are like. Blending families can be difficult and in doing my research, I've come across many different issues. I was hoping that you would be willing to share your personal stories with me. You are, of course, under no obligation to come to our show. My toll free number is 1-888-372-2569 ext 4347 or email me at tvtalk06@yahoo.com
I'm hoping to hear from you soon.

Stepmom for 13 years...I'm tired

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