Take a deep breath. You are not alone. I was once in your shoes and I was able to make a difference; a big difference.

I assume the 10 y.o. is the SS in question? I raised my three dear nephews from the 1, 2.5, and almost 5 yr. old ages. The oldest is autistic, the youngest is ADHD. Both were difficult at times, but because I was in there from the start, I learned as I went and was the only one thinking about these kids w/ a level head.

The autistic can be very loving, very rewarding to deal with. My DNeph was a minorly affected case, but he really progressed w/ a little TLC. He was not potty trained at 5, but I did make a lot of progress shortly thereafter though it wasn't easy.

The autistic need routines and order. Deviations in either can wreak havoc in their worlds.

I think the first step is an appt. w/ the pediatrician who treats him. You need suggestions and recommendations. Use the time while he's w/ g-ma to proof the house from him. Move things out of his reach or lock them in your room. He sounds like FAR more of a severe case than my dear nephew.

There is a diet (glutein-free) that is supposed to help w/ autism. It's very tough to adhere to, but I've heard a lot of good things from those successful w/ it. I never had custody of my DNs, so it wasn't an option. Mom's idea of lunch and dinner is what can be bought at the fast food drive-thru. I'm quite familiar w/ the limited food choices my DN will eat.

Diet can be a major player w/ the ADHD, too. This is a tough hand you've been dealt. Get information and formulate your plan. Give me more info: his school, his father's take on it, other influences like g-parents.

I wish you the best. Keep posting. No one should claim you are not a good stepmom. You came looking for help and support - that's a great first step, but I'd take it further and seek help from Dr/psych.

Dana

Ah, man, yarrow, you've had way too much dumped onto your plate, & I do mean dumped.

In a way, your situation is entirely different from most stepmothers, but when you get right down to the root, it's exactly the same:

Father doesn't want to deal with it & stepmom is dammed if she does & dammed if she doesn't.

& *mother-in-law* has an opinion???

One thing you can do right now is get rid of all the sugary foods in the house & tell hubs & his mother that from now on, one or the other of them will be dealing with smelly loose bowel movements caused by her giving him junk food & sugar.

& do it.

Boy visits grandmother & comes home hyped?
Take him right back to grandmother & tell her you'll come back for him in 12 hours when the sugar has had time to clear from his bloodstream & from his bowels.

What would hubs do if you weren't there?

He'd get help.

& he wouldn't tell the help to spank the boy & then yell if they did.

& he wouldn't expect the help to tend this child, keep house, & raise 2 other children as well.

& even live-in help has set hours & days off.

& his mother certainly wouldn't criticize the help for unmatched white socks & then feed the child stuff that makes him have stinky loose bowel movements & then hand him off to the help to be changed.

If either one of them treated an employee the way they treat you, the employee would quit.

Tell hubs you're turning in your notice;
he has 2 weeks to get someone else to do this job.

Let him know that on Monday, August 20, you will be leaving the house at 7 AM & you won't be back until 6 PM.

& do it.

Meanwhile, hubs needs to research programs for autistic children;
there must be therapeutic programs that would help teach or train him to have more bearable habits & that would teach families some coping mechanisms & training techniques.

You cannot spend every moment of the rest of your life tending to one child & shortchanging the other two.

Please stop trying to solve all this family's problems by yourself & in spite of them, & take care of yourself.

I once dated a guy whose son was ADHD.

Diet worked wonders;

He had a high-protein, low-carb, sugar-free diet, & the difference was night & day.

It takes the body longer to metabolize protein, while sugars & carbs are metabolized in a flash.

Give him a twinkie & his sugar levels would spike & he'd become impossible;
he could not control himself.

Then he'd crash & start searching for another sugar fix.

We went out for breakfast one Sunday morning & he took a handful of jelly packets & licked the jelly out of all of them.

& away he went on his own rollercoaster, dragging everybody else along with him...

One of the snacks on this diet was a cored apple with peanut butter smooshed into the middle.

fiber & protein.

He loved it.

This IS a tough situation --
(Just as a point of reference, my 11 y.o. son has an autistic spectrum disorder, plus ADHD and medical issues also.)

Usually I agree with Sylvia, but this time I mostly don't. Yeah - There are times when StepMom needs to disengage and turn the kid over to BioDad for handling, but sadly, I don't think this is one of them. (BioMom's not in the picture, so no issue of 'who's the mom' -- It's you.) If a gentler request for help doesn't work with Dad, then you might want to try a serious question along the lines of "Can you imagine how hard it would be if our marriage doesn't survive?" That should scare the daylights out of him and get him to rethink his level of involvement. You may need to negotiate with your DH for specific time-off each week, and co-ordinate with Grandma also.

My first suggestion is to find a support group for parents of autistic kids. They're out there in the real word, and in cyberspace, and these parents (80% Moms) will understand like no one else. They'll be able to offer specific concrete suggestions about diet, therapy, parenting techniques -- all sorts of things that will make your life less difficult. They'll also 'get it' when you need to vent, and I doubt anyone will consider you any less a 'Mom' for not being the Bio parent. In fact, you may find yourself nominated for sainthood just for staying...

I'm glad Dana mentioned the GFCF diet -- It could make a huge difference in his potty functions, not to mention his diet and nutrition. If you've never given this a 100% effort, pledge to give it a 3-week trial period. Again, lots of on-line support groups to walk you through it. It's NOT as impossible as it sounds, and if it works, you'll be very glad you did it. (If it doesn't work, if you gave it a real, total, committed 100% try for 3 weeks and saw no difference, then at least you'll know.) When you send DSS to Grandma, pack and send his special food with him and ask her to go along with the test for the 3 weeks. (We saw more language, better potty function, less stimming, fewer melt-downs and a complete elimination of ear infections that had plagued our son for years.)

How much help do you get from his school? Any home-aid assistance or in-home training? And how much private therapy does he get/has he had? Does he have an aggressive advocate pushing him? Or are you just trying to keep your head above water? Also - How good is your health insurance? And do you have the financial flexibility to try different things?

Hang in there Yarrow -- While it's a very hard road, it's also more rewarding than you can possibly imagine.

Hi again,

I was interrupted in my first post and had to end it abruptly. I am glad some other fine ladies have answered as well and I wanted to elaborate more on my situation.

My SIL, probably would be diagnosed w/ a borderline autism today had the diagnosis when she was a child been as prevalent. At the very least, she has to have some sort of social anxiety disorder. As sweeby mentioned, there are support groups. You are online, so you must be savvy to some degree on these machines; my SIL was not. However, she was separated in real life, too, from anyone else dealing w/ this type of thing (a new case is diagnosed every 20 min. in the US today) and her uneducated reflex was to consider institutionalizing my sweet nephew. As luck would have it, I was just coming back into town after my residency, and was not that busy in private practice, so I took over caring for the boys (3 of them, almost 5 and under) on a nightly basis. And, the first pediatrician was very nasty to me. OK, I wasn't a custodial parent, but I was a very interested party who was going to move heaven and earth to NOT put my nephew anywhere near an institution.

My brother and my SIL's father took her to some seminars and she did find others in her boat. My nephew attended a school in its infancy that dealt w/ this. My dnephew became fast friends w/ a famous quarterback's son - who today, you'd BARELY realize was at all autistic. He and his wife hired someone to accompany their son, once older, to regular classes. My dnephew was also mainstreamed and it did wonders for him vs. his original school which was for anyone who fell outside of the norm. So, there were kids w/ emotional and physical handicaps all around him and it was not conducive to his progress.

I'm getting at finding out his schooling, others in the class, and how knowledgeable the teacher is in dealing w/ autism. Is he clustered w/ other autistic children? Mainstreamed at all? How developed is his language? Is he closer to lower functioning than medium? Give us some more info and definitely get involved w/ learning as much as you can about this.

You are not horrible. I'm sure you have days where you wished you never met DH or had this situation fall into your lap. That's normal, so don't beat yourself up over it. I never had that w/ my DNeph. but it was different - he was under 5 and I'd loved him from the moment I'd known he was conceived. Had I walked into the situation when he was older, wasn't my flesh and blood, and if he had some rather repulsive habits, I'm sure I'd have been thinking, "I didn't sign up for THIS!"

Oprah had a special on this last Thursday. Many of the kids 'lost' speech when 2 - prior, had seemed quite normal. We felt that somewhat w/ my DN - a normal infancy, a little delayed w/ walking, but nothing too alarming. Normal speech seemed to begin, but I was still in school, so I can't say for sure. Regardless, we're all in the same boat now and it can be trying on the best of days. I think, after watching Oprah's show, that my DN was the best case scenario.

Get an agenda and start your plan. He needs you. It will be tough. But, you can make a difference. Give us some more info, please.

Blessings,
Dana

sorry, didn't mean to imply that she should abandon the boy;
it isn't his fault.

What I was getting at is that her husband & his mother are not doing the right thing;
she's doing a task that most people would find overwhelming, & they're making it a lot more difficult & more distasteful.

yarrow, the fact that you are persevering through a difficult situation, indicates that you are a woman worthy of respect. And your statements that you are struggling and feeling unworthy of the challenge, makes you human.

I agree with the others that you (and your DH) desperately need a support group of others who are dealing with similar challenges. You can encourage one another, and just to have those people to be able to call when you desperately need a friend who understands (because they are walking in your shoes) is vital. On line help can be helpful, but it will never take the place of real people who can give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug.

2. If it were me, I would also sit down with DH, and (quietly, without yelling) tell him that everything in me wants to give up and walk away from this situation, and yet, I would explain that I cared about him, and knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for him to go it alone. I would say that I had three conditions to staying and supporting him and helping him to raise his son.

A. Could he talk privately to his mother, and explain that her critical spirit (comments) and attitude has created a situation where you simply want to give up, and walk away. He needs to explain to her that you need her unwaivering support, encouragement, and friendship. She needs to understand that if his marriage fails, that it will come down to he and his mother raising this boy with so many needs. He needs her to understand that he loves you, and he expects her to give you encouragement, kindness, and support so that he does not find himself struggling on his own to raise his son. He should also let her know that he appreciates her help and love for this child. So many grandparents today are doing their own thing, and not helping with their grandchildren, and she needs to hear that he is grateful for her help. Everyone needs to feel appreciated.
B. Then you and your DH need to schedule a meeting with this boys doctor, and a counselor (even if by telephone if out of the area) who specializes in guiding parents through parenting issues that are unique to autistic families, such as disapline, setting routines, diet, etc. and come up with a very concrete parenting plan. For many of us, it does not seem right to spank a child who is fundamentally unable to understand, or control behavior. It seems cruel somehow. And I say this, not judging you, because I imagine that you are trying to parent as best you can in a difficult situation. And perhaps that is why your husband may tell you to do this, but may not be able to handle it because at some level he feels it is cruel too. And yet you have very frustrating problems to deal with, from the boys behavior, that would stretch many beyond their limits. So pay a counselor for an hour or two of their time, to help you understand how you should handle discipline with this child. You may also want to talk to a specialist(s) at your sons school to find how they discipline autistic students at school, and any others questions you and your husband have. Then the two of you should come up with a firm game plan, and sit down with his mom, and explain the game plan, the diet that will be followed "exactly" and why, and that you need her full commitment to following the plan, because it is necessary that you all do everything you can to help this child, and the plan is to try everything the specialists recommend to try and give this boy a better life, which will help each of you as well. Perhaps his mother should be included at the doctors visits so that she is very clear on why all of this is so important, and is in on the game plan.

3. And last, think about your other two children, and your marriage. The other two need "fun" time with just you at least once a week. It can be a simple as taking a walk, just the three of you and listening to them, without distractions. Reminding them of your love for them, and allowing them to talk about their feelings, and staying connected with them. And your marriage needs a date night at least twice a month, because it is so important. It sounds as though you love your man, and want to support him. I imagine that he too gets overwhelmed, and yet you are both doing your best, and you are both human. You both get tired, frustrated, and discouraged, and yet...together you have the ability to do this exceptional job of raising a boy whose needs are great. You have come this far! Pat each other on the back, and look at each other and tell one another how proud you are of the people you are, and are becoming. I believe that you must both be exceptional! Become each others best friend, and work together.

P.S. Give yourself a break on those hard days, and remind yourself of all the good things about you, because you are one of those people who are willing to hang in there and persevere when the going gets tough! I respect that.

Just get your support group together, even if you have to drive an hour to find them! They will become vital friends to have! We all wish you the best as you find your way. You will be awesome!

Great advice, bnicebkind. Great point about the others. On Oprah, they talked to the siblings. One, in particular, said that he wished his brother was normal, didn't want friends to view him as a freak, etc. But, he also said that his brother was SO consuming of his parent's time, that it was like there was no time for him.

My cousin has a son who is seriously ill. Another cousin told me that my cousin's first son is just a shadow of his former self - so lost in the commotion over his younger brother all the time, used to his mom having to always tend to his brother, etc. I saw how monopolizing my oldest DN's(the autistic one) therapy was. The middle one when quite young was always taken w/ his brother and mother to brother's therapy and asked, "When will I start therapy?" It was sad.

Good luck,
Dana, again - sorry for all the posts, but this is a tough topic and I feel compelled to offer what I can.

It's so wonderful to have some support without judgement and condemnation.
I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I do feel that I have been the one on top of first, getting him diagnosed (when we started dating, DSS had never spoken a word, walked late, and was delayed almost 2 years in development, yet dh and bm and grandparents either didnt know he was delayed or chose not to acknowledge) and for researching treatments and what is required of the state. After much research and help from friends, I came upon autism and everything fell into place, but it took threatening to leave then boyfriend to get him to have dss evaluated for autism, and then more time to get the diagnosis. He has had less than optimum services/community support from that time to now. He goes to a school in the county dh used to live in because services in our county are so deficient. dh drives quite some distance to get him to school (or his mom's during the summer) each morning. After school (and midday during summer) he has a community assistance worker who is little more than a babysitter. His school has 2 classrooms for autistic kids. he was supposed to go to the next class last year, but they moved him back because he couldnt do the work. They plan to put him back into the same class this year. They do no mainstreaming even though it's required if even 30 minutes a day. For discipline at school they take his magazines away, and we do the same at home. He wont let go of his magazines to do anything, like dressing himself, if we dont take them away. We use the magazines as a reward and taking them away as punishment at home. Which invariably brings on a tantrum of screaming and clawing at himself and sometimes ripping his clothing.
I'm ashamed to say this but dh has not accepted the diagnosis and tries to treat him as if he didnt have the issues he has, like trying to make him respond as other kids do. sometimes he gets in his face and yells if he doesnt answer or doesnt do as he's told. I try to never leave him or my 2 kids alone with him.

I found advocate services and when I couldnt get dh to pursue it, I called myself only to be told that since I'm not his parent, I cant do this. Maybe that will be different now that his mom has passed on.

I have thought, should I adopt dss so that I can have some rights as a parent, but I'm ashamed to admit, I dont know if I want to be his primary parent if something should happen to dh. Dh has looked into jobs where he'd have to leave home about 6am and get home about 7pm because of the distance, and I flat out told him no, I cannot get all 3 to school and get to work on time, and I cant do all of that with the 3 kids on my own.
We have looked into getting him into our own county so that there would be bus transportation (when he changes school next year) if the school is better than the elementary school. Mother in law says no way. She gives all sorts of excuses, but what it boils down to is her wanting to be involved in his school and on top of what's going on.
But we couldnt do it without her help, so I dont make waves about that.

I do however leave the house from 7 am to 6 pm for my job. Sometimes I am in the car for an hour and a half or more picking up the 3 kids from 3 different places because dh has something else to do. I have learned some boundaries and I do say no sometimes.
With my earlier research, we tried the gfcf diet about 6 years ago, for at least 6 months. we did see a little improvement, but with him not living with us, getting cooperation from bm, daycare, and grandma was not possible.
It's amazing how many people cant read a food label and figure out that pretzels have wheat gluten in them!

As much as MIL wants him to do as well as possible, she will still give him what he wants to eat because "You cant let a child go hungry". We had taken him to a GI doctor a couple years ago because we thought he might have a digestive disorder and that's when we were told not to give sugar or sugar substitute because it causes him the loose stools.

Beleive it or not, MIL has backed WAY off in her criticisms because of dh and me addressing this with her. But she still wants to see herself and dh as the primary parents, because they did live with her at one point when we were separated.

There are good points here about the stress this is putting on my 2 kids. They are accepting of dss and help with him as they can, but they do need alone time with me.

Has he been checked for Giardia? I have a friend with a child on the spectrum who had loose stools for a long period of time and was found to be infected with Giardia. I have seen references in the literature of a possible connection between Giardia and autism.

to answer more questions- he had an advocate that would show up for meetings if we called her, but we have not heard from her in a few years.

We do need support groups. dh and I went to marriage counseling for a year when we were separated and that was recommended, but dh leaves all that to me. that was addressed in counseling, but he just wont do things so either I do them or they go undone.
I guess I have become resigned that he wont do things and I have kind of given up on doing more than just getting by day to day. I just dont see a light at the end of the tunnel and everytime dss is pitching a fit I say to myself "I cant do this for the rest of my life".

"how knowledgeable the teacher is in dealing w/ autism. How developed is his language? Is he closer to lower functioning than medium?"

The teacher doesnt seem to know a lot about autism. MIL says they do a little coloring and then watch movies all day. Of course, I dont know how accurate that is. Dss language has developed a lot. He can let us know what he wants to eat, that he wants a particular movie, etc. All of his language is repeating what he has heard (echolalia)in mostly a way appropriate to the situation to get his desires across. I dont know if he is considered high or low functioning. MR is one of his diagnoses but I know that IQ cant be accuratley assessed in autistic people. His development continues to lag significantly. He ranges from 4-6 years old developmentally.
We are blessed in that he is a sweet child, only tantruming when he doesnt get his way, but otherwise a pleasant child who does receive and give affection sometimes.

As for spanking, I dont see it to be effective for dss anyway. He will giggle soon afterwards whereas time out or taking away the magazines he hates.

My oldest child is 13. His bedroom has been taken over by dss. He will stay in there all day if we dont make him come out, watching movies and looking at magazines, and bouncing around on the bed. they have a bunkbed and my son's bunk is the lower one, a double size. he doesnt want to sleep there anymore because dss is on it all the time and has had accidents on it. I tell dss not to get on it, but he still does.
We are going to enclose a large covered deck to give my older son a bedroom.

You sound like a really good mother Yarrow -- You're really trying and I commend you for it. Sadly, your DH's reaction isn't at all uncommon in men -- our support group calls it "Daddies in Denial".

I can understand your reluctance to adopt the boy -- There's a big gray area between martyrdom, sainthood and insanity, and only you can know what's best for you. But that said, would your DH agree to give you an educational, legal and medical power of attorney for the boy? I'm no attorney, but I do believe that's an option that will allow you to do what needs to be done without chaining yourself down for life. (It could be revocable in the event of divorce or DH feeling strongly that you're doing something wrong.)

Sadly, his school doesn't seem to be doing much for him -- With intensive therapy, so very much improvement is possible. And coloring in books all day in a room full of autistic children isn't doing much for him. Of course, mainstreaming into a regular classroom won't help him much either and will probably disrupt the other kids. Are there any really good resources for autism in your area? 2-3 years in a really good program can make a huge difference...

We had to put a special lock on our older son's room to keep our little one out of it -- Push button combination on the outside to open it - automatically opens from the inside for safety. It's worked like a charm --

Hi Yarrow,

I too am a fulltime sm, and while our situations are a little different, I think they are the same too. My SS doesn't have autism or adhd, but he is 13 and his biomom died about a year and half ago and it has really changed our lives. My ss has pics of mom in his room and I know that he misses her, but we struggle to help him grieve. I know too that sometimes I become angry and frustrated and I feel a little bit like "why me?" but after i am done being angry, I always know that I wouldn't leave him or my husband to deal with this alone. I love them both and for me, some days are easier than others. Is it like that for you? If it is, come here and vent or write a letter to BM or your DH or MIL or SS, whoever (but not one to give them actually.) Just tell them what you have to tell them and then destroy the letter. I did, and it made me feel so much better. You are a good person. God bless you and help you.