Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong. The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches. This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home. Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.

yarrow, the fact that you are persevering through a difficult situation, indicates that you are a woman worthy of respect. And your statements that you are struggling and feeling unworthy of the challenge, makes you human. I agree with the others that you (and your DH) desperately need a support group of others who are dealing with similar challenges. You can encourage one another, and just to have those people to be able to call when you desperately need a friend who understands (because they are walking in your shoes) is vital. On line help can be helpful, but it will never take the place of real people who can give you a shoulder to cry on, and a hug. 2. If it were me, I would also sit down with DH, and (quietly, without yelling) tell him that everything in me wants to give up and walk away from this situation, and yet, I would explain that I cared about him, and knew that it would be a tremendous struggle for him to go it alone. I would say that I had three conditions to staying and supporting him and helping him to raise his son. A. Could he talk privately to his mother, and explain that her critical spirit (comments) and attitude has created a situation where you simply want to give up, and walk away. He needs to explain to her that you need her unwaivering support, encouragement, and friendship. She needs to understand that if his marriage fails, that it will come down to he and his mother raising this boy with so many needs. He needs her to understand that he loves you, and he expects her to give you encouragement, kindness, and support so that he does not find himself struggling on his own to raise his son. He should also let her know that he appreciates her help and love for this child. So many grandparents today are doing their own thing, and not helping with their grandchildren, and she needs to hear that he is grateful for her help. Everyone needs to feel appreciated. B. Then you and your DH need to schedule a meeting with this boys doctor, and a counselor (even if by telephone if out of the area) who specializes in guiding parents through parenting issues that are unique to autistic families, such as disapline, setting routines, diet, etc. and come up with a very concrete parenting plan. For many of us, it does not seem right to spank a child who is fundamentally unable to understand, or control behavior. It seems cruel somehow. And I say this, not judging you, because I imagine that you are trying to parent as best you can in a difficult situation. And perhaps that is why your husband may tell you to do this, but may not be able to handle it because at some level he feels it is cruel too. And yet you have very frustrating problems to deal with, from the boys behavior, that would stretch many beyond their limits. So pay a counselor for an hour or two of their time, to help you understand how you should handle discipline with this child. You may also want to talk to a specialist(s) at your sons school to find how they discipline autistic students at school, and any others questions you and your husband have. Then the two of you should come up with a firm game plan, and sit down with his mom, and explain the game plan, the diet that will be followed "exactly" and why, and that you need her full commitment to following the plan, because it is necessary that you all do everything you can to help this child, and the plan is to try everything the specialists recommend to try and give this boy a better life, which will help each of you as well. Perhaps his mother should be included at the doctors visits so that she is very clear on why all of this is so important, and is in on the game plan. 3. And last, think about your other two children, and your marriage. The other two need "fun" time with just you at least once a week. It can be a simple as taking a walk, just the three of you and listening to them, without distractions. Reminding them of your love for them, and allowing them to talk about their feelings, and staying connected with them. And your marriage needs a date night at least twice a month, because it is so important. It sounds as though you love your man, and want to support him. I imagine that he too gets overwhelmed, and yet you are both doing your best, and you are both human. You both get tired, frustrated, and discouraged, and yet...together you have the ability to do this exceptional job of raising a boy whose needs are great. You have come this far! Pat each other on the back, and look at each other and tell one another how proud you are of the people you are, and are becoming. I believe that you must both be exceptional! Become each others best friend, and work together. P.S. Give yourself a break on those hard days, and remind yourself of all the good things about you, because you are one of those people who are willing to hang in there and persevere when the going gets tough! I respect that. Just get your support group together, even if you have to drive an hour to find them! They will become vital friends to have! We all wish you the best as you find your way. You will be awesome!

I am getting pi***ed off reading about your H (sorry-couldn't bring myself to refer to him with the D). You are not his wife. A wife is a partner that shares eveything. Decision making, financial responsibility, parental responsibility, work, FUN. The only thing you have is .. the housework. As for your SS that is upset about a sibling .... this is natural for all kids whether they are half siblings or full fledged clones. No one wants their space invaded. I came from a family of six and I never was thrilled at the thought of another addition, but I wouldn't trade a single one of them for Bill Gates' money. As for your desire to want a baby ... not all people want children. That's fine. Some people should definitely never be parents. However, for those of us that cherish the role.... I could never imagine not being able to have my children. It is the singularly most life and perception altering experience of my life. Meeting and marrying my husband was one of the best things that happened to me, but it didn't change me. My DH and I were just doing what felt natural and good back in 1971. We were much alike, same goals and though our marriage was a most wonderful blessing, it didn't change either of us. Our first child wasn't born until I was 32 (14 years later). Up until that time we had led a most self centered life. It was wonderful. We travelled, built several homes for ourselves in that time... drove sporty cars. We would fly to Manhattan to go shopping (from several states away). Spent our time purchasing heirloom quality furniture and all the acroutemants. When our first child was born, I couldn't believe that this little bundle needed me 24/7 ... that to shower, I had to put her in her carrier and park her outside the shower so that I could could keep an eye on her. DH and I spend all our $$ now on film and picture developing and wonderful toys and clothes for ... the baby. Then #2 was born. Our lives changed from very logical adult activities to the greatest most illogical time of our lives. We no longer sent $$ on flowers because we discovered the beauty of dandelion bouquets, the restaurants in which we ate did not require jacket and tie, but who had the best high chairs and children's menus, trips were to child oriented places. We learned the joy of fairy tales all over again, the joy of discovering the world around us again as if it was all new. Butterflies and crickets and baby pigs and cows were all a new thing. As they are now approaching a time when they will leave home, I know and appreciate in what wonderful ways they changed me, my husband and our relationship. I would not have given that up for anything in the world and I would have been so resentful if at my age now I didn't have these kids and with them, the prospect of their futures and maybe someday grandchildren. When you are my age, you realize that the most of life has passed. If lucky, I will have another 15 - 20 years. It is wonderful that I am no longer the center of my universe, that I have learned what is really important in life. It is not my happiness or well-being that's important ... or maybe put in another way - I get my happiness and well being from sharing everything I have with the family that two kids in love created over the past 30 years. I larned to relly give of myself being a mother and not just to my children - but to DH as well and even the world beyond our four walls. We're approaching a time in our lives when we've already lost many friends and I know that one day - one of us wil be left alone. It will be a comfort to know that I will leave them with each other. That Dad won't be alone and I have left a legacy of love and family traditions that will live on in our children's lives and that of their children long after anyone remembers what I even looked like. Having children does not take away from your life. It adds to it. If your DH fails to see what a child brings into your life even after he has had a son, I don't think he gets the point and probably never will. Maybe he shouldn't be a father again ... but why didn't he tell you that from the beginning so that you could have made a balanced decision? Is he self-centered in other ways? Does he always make the decisions of where to go even when SS is not around? Does he ever ask what movie you would like to see, etc etc I just know that if you feel the desire to have a baby now - it will only get deeper with time. The question now is - will you be able to handle the resentment, the loss of motherhood, etc when you are 45, 50, 65. I've led an enchanted life, but I would give it all up in a second every last bit of it .... except for my DH and children.

Me again. I'm sure this will be long. So, if anyone's up to reading and posting, I appreciate your input. Telling me if we're being stupid and there's a better way is appreciated. I think I was just tired last night and not posting this really well. But, I couldn't sleep cause I'm so upset about SS "calling Dad's bluff" about lying having consequences. We're not wanting to divide the kids against each other. This latest lying problem was several emails between Dad and SS teachers this week about school projects and normal homework. DH was being specific when on videoconference with SS 3 times this week asking if things were done or what was left to do, etc. SS kept insisting all parts of work were done AND work was turned in on time. Teacher was emailing DH meanwhile saying "NO the project was NOT turned in til 5 days later, and SS was giving her and DH doubletalk. And, she said the other social studies stuff was incomplete because according to SS he didn't have crayons, etc supplies. DH sent him stuff for school (crayons, etc.) and regardless, if he "ran out" of something he should have to DH "I can't, don't have crayons, calculator, etc." NOT "yeah, Dad everything's totally complete and ready to turn in Friday." As far a punishing the kids, here's why we're so upset. DH wants the consequence for lying to SS to be that we're not going to go out and do the extra stuff "besides xmas eve and day stuff" (ex. going to the movies once or twice this week, hanging out at the 4h center for the christmas lights, going out with friends and cousins to skate or chuck e. cheese type stuff, kids museum in town etc. (cause they're all off public school this week.) I agree because it's similar to what we give all the kids. But, this time it's going to be the worst timing we've had and it's the worst one I think for SS and the other kids cause it's basically all Christmas week and they're all looking forward to stuff. In the past, we've really kept cancelling stuff to an absolute minimum and some of our kids were so little that with naps and stuff we just generally didn't go out a lot of "all day" fun. Most activities were a couple hours here or there. Our youngest now is almost three and SS is the oldest 12, so more recently we've been able to do A LOT more stuff. EX. this summer we got a poolpass for the park and could go because enough of the kids could swim without help for me to handle alone when DH was at work. The money thing comes into play because we don't always have enough to go do stuff both when SS is here and not here. The kids all love doing stuff together. For example when they all want to see a movie together, our kids will wait to see it until he's here. He usually sees the movies already with BM, but it's fun to wait and see how much a kick they all get out of doing something together. So this past Thanksgiving when he was here, we all had a blast, because we had so much stuff they all wanted to do together and we'd saved the money for it. We did 2-3 special things together everyday. (ate at favorite restaurants, santa pictures, saw movies they all picked, went to circus, etc.). Right before he left, we got a big packet in the mail from his teachers. It was filled with copies of a bunch of failed tests and examples of incomplete school/homework that was contradicting SS saying he'd only failed one test and had kept up with all his assignments, etc. His Dad sat him down and had a big talk about honesty and asking if he needed more school supplies (said no, but we sent extras home anyway). And, we both had him explain to us "how" he was studying for all subjects, so we could make suggestions about other ways to study math, spelling, etc, that he could try to see if they helped him learn more. Then, he went home. For the last month, DH has made a point (more than before) of asking him about test scores, assgnments teacher tells us are coming up due, etc, to see where SS at with school. Last night, we got the last email, and the teacher was flaming mad at SS for the lack of effort and the double-talk lying he's now been caught in --again. She says it's all absolutely unacceptable and he's the only kid doing this and it's happening almost constantly in class and for homework. She says he not rude, he just doesn't care or try. So, DH says for now we're stuck because we can't force stuff like "from now on everyday after school do your homework right away, and show Dad all the papers each night and the tests you bring home, etc" because he doesn't live with us and we're in another state. Even his teachers are so fed up with him that they've said since they have so many students and SS won't try or be honest, they'll just "do what they can" to tell us assignments and test scores. (It means we been getting spotty info but not everyday updates and they're to busy to offer more.) So, DH says that at least he's going to show SS there's a consequence for lying to him. And, that's what not doing extra stuff this week is supposed to be about. The reason it's going to affect ALL the kids is because, I'm not going to leave SS alone at home to take the other kids out. They're going to have to miss some stuff (playdates) and do other stuff later (movies after SS goes), etc. And, I told DH that I can't just have SS sit in his room "grounded" all week. DH said fine, but we should take away TV and stuff, and that will affect all of us. And, the teacher told us SS needs to learn some specific math stuff and catch up on reading, so DH said to just keep homeschooling all of them so it's quiet. Can't send the others outside for hours a day in this weather, and our immediate family is two hours away, so the visits are all day events, I can't just drop off the others and go home with SS. So, the kids are not getting this week off school. DH said maybe we'll take next week off for them. Normally, our other kids don't feel slighted when one of them is busted and we lose TV or something for a few days. But, they're getting older now, and this is a special holiday week. And, in the past we've talked with them a lot to not "take it out on each other" if they get mad that family plans have changed because of a consequence. But, this time the older ones are more upset than before. DH and I said sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. And, our older kids said they'd feel more slighted if they saw we just did nothing about the lying than if they had to miss/delay stuff due to SS punishment, because they know they'd totally be busted if it were them. DH and I are so stressed about the mess SS is in at school, that we just didn't put a lot of effort into "smoothing things over between the kids". We figured that they're getting older now, so maybe we should be letting them tell SS his actions aren't fair for how they affect everyone else. Our kids already do that to each other. (Ex. if the kids make a huge mess right before we're going out to the drive-in, I've been known to cancel it, because the movies started before they were done helping clean it up. We let our kids tell each other they're disappointed with the kid that skipped picking up and made a bigger mess instead.) But, this is really the first time something big has happened with SS consequence affecting plans like this. Maybe seeing how lying doesn't accomplish fixing school problems because it messes up more than his relationship with his Dad will get through to him? I don't know. I was an only child so sometimes what's best with the sibling stuff is a mystery to me. But, DH and I are good about really working together for parenting. And, I do really feel lost about what are the long term consequences. Maybe this is a really bad idea, or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But, we really do want the kids to all grow up loving each other and not even feeling like half-siblings. I wrote on here last night, because DH and I are questioning where the line is in watching SS lie repeatedly about the self-destructive thing he has going on with his schoolwork especially now that he's about to go on to middle school. We want to do the best thing to help him succeed, and to keep the family happy, and to be a good-fair example for the younger kids (no double standard stuff if we can help it). But, that's a fine line for us always, because he has BM and his dad at different households, and they have very different parenting styles. They're two totally different people. And, I truly feel lost at this point. We've done a good job so far I think. They're ALL good kids, but we want to do our best to help them learn so they become good, happy adults. But, being the step-mom and an only child and knowing SS actions are now leading to more serious consequences for himself at school and that it's all rapidly erasing the trust he has from us, is why I posted to you all. I've got to go pick SS up now. I hope this makes sense to some of you, so you can tell me what you think. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was so wound up trying to think of what else we could do and hoping that SS and DH can actually have a really good talk and accomplish something this week and not just argue or have a big talk like the one at Thanksgiving produce ZERO better results. I'll check back here later. And, thanks you guys, even for the stuff you were critical of me for. I appreciate you being honest with me, cause I'd rather have another adult parent tell me there ideas or what they see, so I can see other perspectives than what's rattling around in my head. I'd rather do the best things for all the kids---even when I'm not clever enough to think fast and have all the answers about what will really help them all with family problems. Merry Christmas. PS. You guys are totally right that the money thing is an issue for us. But, it's because it really does affect for my SS his expectaions in life and his perspective on things. And, it's affected our ability for ten years to stop useless painful lawsuits involving him. It is what it is. We don't try and hold it again him. That's dumb. There's nothing wrong with them having more money than us, EXCEPT for the ways that we've seen it affect how he treats people. It's affected his friendships, etc. when other kids feel he's spoiled and he's needed help to learn how to get along with friends at different points in growing up when other kids have felt intimidated by not having "cool stuff" or declining to go places with him because their parents couldn't afford to participate. He's learned a lot from us not having a lot, because I can see how he's grown more sensitive to other kids and learned that he doesn't need to "go someplace" to impress or have friends. I think DH deseres a lot of credit for helping SS see that other kids will love hanging with him doing cheap free stuff, because SS is a blast to be with WITHOUT needing Disneylands, or the latest videogame machines and stuff. I truly think that's stuff he learned from us NOT his BM.