new to parenthood and being a step-mom

16 years ago

Hello Everyone. I am new to this forum and it is wonderful. I have learned so much from all you guys already. I am new to parenthood and have some questions to ask. My step-son is 10 and has lived with us for a year. My husband and I have been married for 2 years. We have a daughter 6 months old together. The first 3 months was very trying and he would push his limits all the time. He got his own way with his mom and would not listen to anyone. He his a very bright child and can be quite defiant and sneaky at times. He also lies a lot and has his father believing he is a innocent little boy. He is good now most days with his dad but I am a different story, which I expect. When he is upset or just for fun, he has admitted to me that he does the following: He would hurt the cat, play with matches, or pick on me. (he used to pick on the kids at school but he was getting to many displinary notes). The cat hisses when he comes near him and we have found burnt matches on a couple of occasions, even though he has been told by his father not to do it. We have also found small things that he has taken from other people houses. If I try to enforce the rules he starts to pick on me. He does this verbally and it drives me crazy. I have tried to ignore it and not show that it bothers me but it is so disrespectful that I usually can't. After a few days of this I tell my husband, because he usually doesn't do it when he is around and he talks with him. It gets better for 4-7days and then the cycle continues. He is very jealous of any one who spends time with dad. He sits on him and holds him and keeps staying over and over' my daddy'. He has also told me with no emotion the following: That he has thought of killing the cat so we can get a dog. I asked him if he thought of getting rid of myself and my daughter so that he could have his father to himself. He said he did in the beginning. I asked him how and he told me how he would get rid of my daughter but never answered how he would get rid of me. I told his dad and he also told his dad the same thing. Four weeks later I asked him at dinner, what would happen if we had another daughter ...he said he would kill her. He said this with a normal tone and wasn't angry at the time. His father asked him why. He said that the girls would out number the boys. Is this normal jealous behaviour. Do kids says things and not mean it? I also asked him when we get rid of the cat who is he going to pick on? He said my daughter. He used to say me. Any advice out there? I think he is a real threat to my child and I want him to go back to his moms. My husband agreed finally to getting him assessed and wants to wait and see what they say. I am tied between wanting to help him, but he can get the help with his mom and protecting my little one.

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Comments (15)

organic_maria
16 years ago
It is normal behaviour to be jealous and possessive when a newborn comes into the pic. BUT...what bothers me is the 'killing' aspect. My stepkids were jealous of the attention that was given but they would never hurt their little brother.
I personally , out of safety, i would drop him off to his mothers, get him assessed. This 'killing' is NOT NORMAL.
Now with all these pressures these kids have on their minds, i do not take this lightly.
Yes your stepson is important. BUt he has said calming' killing your daughter'. That is not normal. I would take serious action in protecting my child.
1. NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH YOUR BABY. AT ANY TIME.
2. GET HIM EVALUATED
3. GET HIS FATHER TO DESCIPLINE HIM IMMEDIATELY.. ...
I am getting the picture that his father only talks but doesnt punish. He should be punished for picking on the cat and you and tell him clearly your intentions if any harm comes to your baby.
Ie ..he's out of your life and his father's.
There was a case up here where a sd smothered her baby sister andthe grandparents revived the child. Needless to say the father didnt' want anythign to do with his child. She was sent to her mothers, plus had psychological help but was never allowed into the home again. He would go out to visit her only.
And this is what i would do as well.
The stepchild is important but the life a baby that has done nothing wrong outways in these situations. You didnt' carry this child for 9 1/2 months to have someone kill her or him out jealousy??? Send him to his moms! until his head is straight!
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
I'm assuming that this is a "real" post, that you really haven't read or heard that serial killers often start, as children, by torturing small animals & setting fires.

If this really is happening, that boy has more troubles than you can handle or solve.

Keep him away from anything you don't want killed.

I wish you the best.
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Harmar, here is ANOTHER opinion for you. As if parenting isn't hard enough when it's just the two of you, right? To then add a third voice chiming in without being present.... yes, these are the joys of step-families! I know what it's like. I am a big advocate of claiming OUR territory here at home if that makes any sense. We keep on having issues of the children's mother wanting to meddle in our home affairs. Sometimes, it does feel as if she tells my husband to jump and his reply will inevitably be, "how high?". I can't tell you the things we've had to do because of HER fears and all of her tears (which always seem to work on my husband; she cries? He gives in... you wonder where children learn that from). But back to the situation at hand; if it's a small thing, try not to sweat it, but if you have a third-party parenting in your house without being present, then forget about it, YOUR house is YOUR HOUSE. The children can trust you and their father enough to make judgment calls without living in fear of what their mother will say, right? They are probably old enough to get the fact that, if you guys really didn't have a clue to what is right and what is wrong, their mother wouldn't let them come over at all. It sounds like you are really operating in good faith and with the best of intentions. And if I can get that from just one post, your step-kids can trust that too, don't you think? I generally tend to agree with sweebyÃ¢ÂÂs advice, but I stray a little bit from her opinion this time. Just like two parents have different parenting styles and one may allow certain things while the other doesnÃ¢ÂÂt, same goes with two households. ItÃ¢ÂÂs as if the children are bi-cultural and in actuality thatÃ¢ÂÂs what theyÃ¢ÂÂre learning. I think itÃ¢ÂÂs impossible to have the same set of rules in two separate houses, especially when one of the parties will never be present. The big stuff certainly, but the rest, I am sure both households can Ã¢ÂÂlet it rollÃ¢ÂÂ. If I can offer you any advice, I think you and your husband should turn your energy away from the children's mother and keep it on the children (I am sure you are doing this already, I mean no offense; I just know that in my case, I had a woman living in my head whether she or I liked it or not!). We made a family statute (I remember reading about one somewhere and it worked wonders for us!) where we came up with rules together. One of the rules however was that Dad and I (or any adult in charge at home) have final say, not ANYBODY else. So if there are certain things like movies for example, where they donÃ¢ÂÂt feel comfortable, they can put that down as their rule. But that way, it becomes THEIR rule and not that of the parent that isnÃ¢ÂÂt there. Keep us posted (literally, ha ha)
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Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. 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(a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. 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justmeto ::: Im going to try and answer some of your comments...His son has gone through this many cars i wasnt trying to be nosey he brought it up so i asked. and the cars that i have seen and have seen his dad purchase are very nice cars..his son likes to blow engines or set them on fire witch he has now been caught or just totalls them.and now that i am married to my husband it is my bussiness. he has 1 adult daughter that works the other to do not.my husband asked me to make that trip because he couldnt and part of having a relationship is working together as a team.I was not trying to replace her mother my husband asked me to clean them rooms for her did i want to know but i did what he asked me to. I have never tryed to take there moms place ever nor will i all i wanted was for them to give me a chace to be the wife i am to my husband. yes i did put out flowers but i did it for the mom and for my husband out od RESPECT did you not read that and yes they should have said thank you but again i guess its all in how you are raised. if i cant make it to my mothers grave and a friend of mine does and she puts flowers on the grave i tell her thank you. its called being polite.i did not run into anything to fast i have a family and still do. but i can tell you if my adult kids ever treated my husband with that much disrespect they would not be allowed to be in my home tell they treated him with that respect. but i can say that my kids have always been very nice to my husband. maybe its because the way they were raised..the things i do for his kids are things he ask me to do if i had my way i wouldnt do a thing for them after the way they have treated me.. they have never even givin me a chance. i wonder why my husbands friends and my husbands decesed wife friends all tell me im the best thing thats happen to my husband since his wife has passed they have known them for over 20 years.. and they also tell me the ladys anyways there is no woman in this town that would put up with all you have.. they see it.. but i tell them i love my husband and want him to be happy.i beleive i did say i didnt have a problem with the photos being there but that it did kinda hurt my heart,, but they are still on the wall and yes he does see them as much as i do. there is also a photo of where she died at above the kitchen table so yes there are alot of her and his things still here i have never asked him to put away his memories nor will i.like i told amber this is my first time on here maybe you should try to be alittle more understanding. sometimes the new step mom or dad really do get a hard time why because the mother or father choose to remarry. and thats all i have done
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lafevem
16 years ago
If a child is using matches and making calm threats about killing things, he needs to be assessed immediately and may need some impatient therapy. Please do not leave this child alone with your cat let alone your child. Your DH needs to wake up and take action. This child is showing some serious precursors of future bad behavior.
josie37
Original Author
16 years ago
Hello Sylviatexas

Yes this is a real post. I know that it is hard to believe. I can't even believe that it is happening myself. I am really scared and I don't leave my daughter alone for a moment with the step-son. My husband thinks that it is just adjustment issues and that he may just need a little bit of counselling. The step-son plays nicely with her when his father is around so he think his son is just joking. That is why I turned to all of you to give me advice because my gut says run away as far a possible but my husband says that most of this is normal. Maybe my husband is just in denial. He really believes that his son wouldn't hurt anyone. This has been really hard on our marriage.
Thank you for your posting silvatexas and organic maria.

Organic maria the sd that suffocated her sister do you remember where it was? Was it publicised?
Vivian Kaufman
16 years ago
I would have the baby AND the cat out of the house immediately and be letting dad deal with his son. There is NO way I'd let them stay in the same house as the boy. No way, no how. Even IF he were in therapy.

There is nothing funny or inocuous about hurting animals or threatening to kill.
lafevem
16 years ago
I have given this one some thought and I have to agree with vivian on this one. I think you need to find a safe place for you, the baby, and the cat until your husband gets some serious help for this young boy. I just don't think it is safe. And it might possibly take that kind of move to wake your DH up to the seriousness of this issue.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
Remember Ted Bundy, the guy who killed unknown numbers of girls & young women?

When he was on death row, someone asked him if he had killed more girls & women than the very long list they had uncovered;
he laughed, or snorted, or something.

When the person asked if he had killed, I can't remember, maybe 20 more, he said something like "Add another zero & maybe you're close."

He fooled his family, he fooled crime writer & former police officer Ann Rule (they actually worked together for a while, & she considered him a good friend!), he fooled his victims...

& he fooled the jailers in Colorado, *who had been warned that he would charm them*, into believing he was really a nice guy caught in a terrible case of mistaken identity.

When they relaxed their guard, he escaped to Florida where he killed more women.

He was believeable.

This boy's father may believe his son (& think you're lying, or inept, or jealous of his son, or crazy, or something.)

I think Vivian is right:
There's no way to be safe in this household.
angelz921
16 years ago
Josie ~ normally I would say something like this but you need to think about "yours" you, your daughter and the cat. Never mind about his son and frankly never mind about your DH, he isn't taking something as serious as "death threats" seriously then you should not be around him. I talked to my STBH about you yesterday, and asked him what he would do in your DH's shoes, as we have one on the way. He said there is no way he would take something like that lightly, he would be sending his daughter off to a psychiatrist and would not allow her into our home until she got the help she needed.

Please be careful, 9 out of 10 serial killers started out by hurting the household pet or small animals.
laurels4u
16 years ago
Parents are always quick to defend what is theirs (especially children from the stepparents) so in this case, it sounds like your DH is defending "his" son. Denial sounds like it is playing a huge part as well. There's nothing worse than a parent who cannot see that their child may actually be capable of doing wrong. It is a terrible situation, but you need to defend what is yours so that you are safe with your child and cat! If that means leaving while the SS is there, so be it.

IMO, if you really want this situation to get better without anyone getting hurt and if your husband won't make the call to get the boy help, then you need to make the call to set up an appointment. Inform DH of the time and date of the appt. so DH can get the child to the evaluation. If I were you, I'd also insist on going to the appt. just to make sure DH isn't "forgetting" to tell the psychiatrist anything.

Keep us informed of how things work out. It sounds like a lot of us have you in our thoughts!
angelz921
16 years ago
I don't think she can set up the appointment since she is not a biological parent. In florida we have things like Circle's of Care and such place's for mental evaluation, therapy, and other counseling type activities. You should seriously think about contacting a local division of Children and Families in your area to see what grounds they see fit to handle this situation. There are resources out there to help people in your situation, you just have to look or know someone who can point you in the right direction.

Demanding you DH get off his backside and get his son some help or you'll leave may also be a final straw. Packing up a suitcase and staying with family to get him to understand that you aren't taking this lightly might help him to realize your not kidding either.

Just remember you are not alone, there are millions of resources out there at your finger tips, just don't be one of those parents who go to bed at night thinking "What if?"
josie37
Original Author
16 years ago
Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong.

The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches.

This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home.

Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.
naughtykitty
16 years ago
You story is scary. I am so sorry that your life has had to change so dramatically, but it sounds like you are doing all you can. Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.
lafevem
16 years ago
I definitely think it would be a great idea for him to be in camps or other activities in the summer so you can have a break. Great idea with the door alarm. Another suggestion is DB may have to sleep in the room with DS to ensure he stays in there at night. I am glad to see you guys are taking this so seriously. Big Hugs to you!
josie37
Original Author
16 years ago
I have a couple more questions for you guys and I need to vent. I am still waiting for my HB to ask the ex permission for the SS assessment. He said that he would today but no word yet. My patience is running thin. I still feel like I could never trust the SS around the baby or the other children we hope to have. The SS was gone for a week and it was so nice. I got a chance to see what my life would be like without him here all the time. I know that seems mean but I couldn't wait till he left again. He his gone to his mom's for vacation. I told my HB that I don't know what I would do if I caught him hurting the baby. I guess I am just tired and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. My HB still wants to wait until the assessment is done before we make decisions. My daughter doesn't seem like she is in any immediate danger because right now the SS states that she is fun. But what happens when she is no longer fun? What happens if the assessment doesn't show anything? Then it just looks like I am over reacting. I guess I just have to wait and see what the assessment says. It is just so hard not to worry. I keep praying that they will see him as a danger and then he goes back to the moms. I can see that the things that the SS has said has also worried my HB but he doesn't want to make any rash decisions. He loves his son and believes that he would not hurt anyone and doesn't understand why he would say those things. Hopefully the experts will know and the SS will open up to them.

I know that my SS has other issues but can anyone tell me if they have ever gained respect and are important to the SK in the long term. I feel like I am not important and will never be to his two SS. I came into this marriage with good intentions of being active in the SK lives. But now I just want my husband and our kids to be the main family and for the SK to be a part-time component of our lives together. I know that is awful. I just feel that our young child (and hopefully children) needs their dad's time more. Also can anyone enlightened me on some normal behaviours of a 10 year old. What should I expect. Some of the behaviours he is displaying you would think he is pre-teen. Thank you for reading and for any advice/comments you have.
sylviatexas1
16 years ago
I replied to your post on your other thread, but there are a couple of things that I noticed upon reading it again here:

the baby is "fun".

like the cat is "fun"?
fun to torment?

& even if she's fun in a more normal sense, she may stop being fun when she cries.
What are the consequences to her when that happens?

-----------------
-----------------

At 10, this boy *is* a pre-teen;
what behaviors are you talking about?

new to parenthood and being a step-mom

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