It is normal behaviour to be jealous and possessive when a newborn comes into the pic. BUT...what bothers me is the 'killing' aspect. My stepkids were jealous of the attention that was given but they would never hurt their little brother.
I personally , out of safety, i would drop him off to his mothers, get him assessed. This 'killing' is NOT NORMAL.
Now with all these pressures these kids have on their minds, i do not take this lightly.
Yes your stepson is important. BUt he has said calming' killing your daughter'. That is not normal. I would take serious action in protecting my child.
1. NEVER LEAVE HIM ALONE WITH YOUR BABY. AT ANY TIME.
2. GET HIM EVALUATED
3. GET HIS FATHER TO DESCIPLINE HIM IMMEDIATELY.. ...
I am getting the picture that his father only talks but doesnt punish. He should be punished for picking on the cat and you and tell him clearly your intentions if any harm comes to your baby.
Ie ..he's out of your life and his father's.
There was a case up here where a sd smothered her baby sister andthe grandparents revived the child. Needless to say the father didnt' want anythign to do with his child. She was sent to her mothers, plus had psychological help but was never allowed into the home again. He would go out to visit her only.
And this is what i would do as well.
The stepchild is important but the life a baby that has done nothing wrong outways in these situations. You didnt' carry this child for 9 1/2 months to have someone kill her or him out jealousy??? Send him to his moms! until his head is straight!

I'm assuming that this is a "real" post, that you really haven't read or heard that serial killers often start, as children, by torturing small animals & setting fires.

If this really is happening, that boy has more troubles than you can handle or solve.

Keep him away from anything you don't want killed.

I wish you the best.

If a child is using matches and making calm threats about killing things, he needs to be assessed immediately and may need some impatient therapy. Please do not leave this child alone with your cat let alone your child. Your DH needs to wake up and take action. This child is showing some serious precursors of future bad behavior.

Hello Sylviatexas

Yes this is a real post. I know that it is hard to believe. I can't even believe that it is happening myself. I am really scared and I don't leave my daughter alone for a moment with the step-son. My husband thinks that it is just adjustment issues and that he may just need a little bit of counselling. The step-son plays nicely with her when his father is around so he think his son is just joking. That is why I turned to all of you to give me advice because my gut says run away as far a possible but my husband says that most of this is normal. Maybe my husband is just in denial. He really believes that his son wouldn't hurt anyone. This has been really hard on our marriage.
Thank you for your posting silvatexas and organic maria.

Organic maria the sd that suffocated her sister do you remember where it was? Was it publicised?

I would have the baby AND the cat out of the house immediately and be letting dad deal with his son. There is NO way I'd let them stay in the same house as the boy. No way, no how. Even IF he were in therapy.

There is nothing funny or inocuous about hurting animals or threatening to kill.

I have given this one some thought and I have to agree with vivian on this one. I think you need to find a safe place for you, the baby, and the cat until your husband gets some serious help for this young boy. I just don't think it is safe. And it might possibly take that kind of move to wake your DH up to the seriousness of this issue.

Remember Ted Bundy, the guy who killed unknown numbers of girls & young women?

When he was on death row, someone asked him if he had killed more girls & women than the very long list they had uncovered;
he laughed, or snorted, or something.

When the person asked if he had killed, I can't remember, maybe 20 more, he said something like "Add another zero & maybe you're close."

He fooled his family, he fooled crime writer & former police officer Ann Rule (they actually worked together for a while, & she considered him a good friend!), he fooled his victims...

& he fooled the jailers in Colorado, *who had been warned that he would charm them*, into believing he was really a nice guy caught in a terrible case of mistaken identity.

When they relaxed their guard, he escaped to Florida where he killed more women.

He was believeable.

This boy's father may believe his son (& think you're lying, or inept, or jealous of his son, or crazy, or something.)

I think Vivian is right:
There's no way to be safe in this household.

Josie ~ normally I would say something like this but you need to think about "yours" you, your daughter and the cat. Never mind about his son and frankly never mind about your DH, he isn't taking something as serious as "death threats" seriously then you should not be around him. I talked to my STBH about you yesterday, and asked him what he would do in your DH's shoes, as we have one on the way. He said there is no way he would take something like that lightly, he would be sending his daughter off to a psychiatrist and would not allow her into our home until she got the help she needed.

Please be careful, 9 out of 10 serial killers started out by hurting the household pet or small animals.

Parents are always quick to defend what is theirs (especially children from the stepparents) so in this case, it sounds like your DH is defending "his" son. Denial sounds like it is playing a huge part as well. There's nothing worse than a parent who cannot see that their child may actually be capable of doing wrong. It is a terrible situation, but you need to defend what is yours so that you are safe with your child and cat! If that means leaving while the SS is there, so be it.

IMO, if you really want this situation to get better without anyone getting hurt and if your husband won't make the call to get the boy help, then you need to make the call to set up an appointment. Inform DH of the time and date of the appt. so DH can get the child to the evaluation. If I were you, I'd also insist on going to the appt. just to make sure DH isn't "forgetting" to tell the psychiatrist anything.

Keep us informed of how things work out. It sounds like a lot of us have you in our thoughts!

I don't think she can set up the appointment since she is not a biological parent. In florida we have things like Circle's of Care and such place's for mental evaluation, therapy, and other counseling type activities. You should seriously think about contacting a local division of Children and Families in your area to see what grounds they see fit to handle this situation. There are resources out there to help people in your situation, you just have to look or know someone who can point you in the right direction.

Demanding you DH get off his backside and get his son some help or you'll leave may also be a final straw. Packing up a suitcase and staying with family to get him to understand that you aren't taking this lightly might help him to realize your not kidding either.

Just remember you are not alone, there are millions of resources out there at your finger tips, just don't be one of those parents who go to bed at night thinking "What if?"

Thank you all of you. I felt like I had a virtual hug. Which I was in great need of. My husband and I had a very long talk last night. I said that I couldn't wait for the assessment anymore and that I would have to leave. I told him that I didn't think I could ever trust him around the baby, even with treatment. He asked me to wait until the assessment is done, which he will start this week. (I can not start it as only a parent can. He also has to get permission from the ex because of joint custody). He doesn't want to send him back to his mom right now because she may not get him the help there and he will only get in more trouble. He promised to never leave the baby alone with the ss even for a minute. I gave the cat away because I wanted him to have a better life. I can't watch the baby, the cat, and the ss 24 hours a day. My DB promised that if the psychologist says that he is a threat to our daughter or myself that he will go back to his mom's immediately for treatment there. I told my DB that if I saw any aggression toward my daughter that I would leave immediately with her and he could sort the rest out. My DB still feels that his son would not hurt anyone. If you met him you would think that to. He is a very nice looking, charismatic kid. He has learned how to manipulate quite well for his age. You would never suspect that this charming kid would do anything seriously wrong.

The plan is: The assessment will be done next week if possible and I will be included in any talks that take place about the ss with them. Either in person or through three way calling. My ss will be grounded to his bedroom, the kitchen and the living room and he will have to ask to go anywhere else. That way we will know where he is at all times due to the fire issue. My DB will be more strict in the discipline issue with him. I have to buy a door alarm for my daughters room that would ring off only in our room if anyone went in through out the night. Otherwise I have to sleep in her room with her.(Which I have done on occasion. We do have a regular baby monitor in her room. But the ss said that he would sneak into her room) We may have to get a nanny cam so when he is in the basement playing we will know if he is playing with matches.

This is just a band-aid solution until we can get the assessment done. I just have a very hard time having him anywhere close to my daughter. I just want to scream 'get away from her'. I don't know how we are going to do this long term. We may just have to have him in activities all summer, all the time so he his hardly home.

Thank you again to everyone for your advice and wishes. I will let you know how it turns out. And if there is anything I haven't thought of please let me know.

You story is scary. I am so sorry that your life has had to change so dramatically, but it sounds like you are doing all you can. Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.

I definitely think it would be a great idea for him to be in camps or other activities in the summer so you can have a break. Great idea with the door alarm. Another suggestion is DB may have to sleep in the room with DS to ensure he stays in there at night. I am glad to see you guys are taking this so seriously. Big Hugs to you!

I have a couple more questions for you guys and I need to vent. I am still waiting for my HB to ask the ex permission for the SS assessment. He said that he would today but no word yet. My patience is running thin. I still feel like I could never trust the SS around the baby or the other children we hope to have. The SS was gone for a week and it was so nice. I got a chance to see what my life would be like without him here all the time. I know that seems mean but I couldn't wait till he left again. He his gone to his mom's for vacation. I told my HB that I don't know what I would do if I caught him hurting the baby. I guess I am just tired and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. My HB still wants to wait until the assessment is done before we make decisions. My daughter doesn't seem like she is in any immediate danger because right now the SS states that she is fun. But what happens when she is no longer fun? What happens if the assessment doesn't show anything? Then it just looks like I am over reacting. I guess I just have to wait and see what the assessment says. It is just so hard not to worry. I keep praying that they will see him as a danger and then he goes back to the moms. I can see that the things that the SS has said has also worried my HB but he doesn't want to make any rash decisions. He loves his son and believes that he would not hurt anyone and doesn't understand why he would say those things. Hopefully the experts will know and the SS will open up to them.

I know that my SS has other issues but can anyone tell me if they have ever gained respect and are important to the SK in the long term. I feel like I am not important and will never be to his two SS. I came into this marriage with good intentions of being active in the SK lives. But now I just want my husband and our kids to be the main family and for the SK to be a part-time component of our lives together. I know that is awful. I just feel that our young child (and hopefully children) needs their dad's time more. Also can anyone enlightened me on some normal behaviours of a 10 year old. What should I expect. Some of the behaviours he is displaying you would think he is pre-teen. Thank you for reading and for any advice/comments you have.

I replied to your post on your other thread, but there are a couple of things that I noticed upon reading it again here:

the baby is "fun".

like the cat is "fun"?
fun to torment?

& even if she's fun in a more normal sense, she may stop being fun when she cries.
What are the consequences to her when that happens?

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At 10, this boy *is* a pre-teen;
what behaviors are you talking about?