Well you won't like my reply, but here it is anyway. It's really none of your business. The ex would have had the same rules if your husband and her had never divorced. It's what she believes is right. If your husband didn't like what she asks him to do, that is between him and her. If you don't like it discuss it with your hubby. You will only cause problems with your husband which may end your marriage after a few years. Accept the situation.

I'd take a different tack --

Bio-Mom wants the boys to grow up with certain rules. So do you and Dad. Kids NEED limits, and if you undermine her rules or she undermines yours, a real mess can and will ensue... A consistent set of rules that applies across both households is what the experts recommend for divorced parents if at all possible.

Why not initiate a conversation with Bio-Mom that begins with a couple of compliments -- for her concern for her boys' behavior, for the high standards she has set for them -- a few more if you can honestly think of them. Then segue into the 'consistent set of rules' proposal and ask her if she has her 'house rules' written down, or if not, if maybe she could make the time to sit down with you and discuss them so the boys can benefit from that consistency.

This is NOT to say she gets to set all the rules the kids will follow if your house - she doesn't. But I'm sure you'll agree with a lot of her rules, and for the ones you can't agree with, you can then tell her what your version of the rule is for your daughter and that you think it would be most unfair if the boys were treated more restrictively than your 6-year old.

Try to keep the child support and travel time out of it and plan on meeting her probably a bit more than halfway.

Good luck!

Harmar, here is ANOTHER opinion for you.

As if parenting isn't hard enough when it's just the two of you, right? To then add a third voice chiming in without being present.... yes, these are the joys of step-families! I know what it's like.

I am a big advocate of claiming OUR territory here at home if that makes any sense. We keep on having issues of the children's mother wanting to meddle in our home affairs. Sometimes, it does feel as if she tells my husband to jump and his reply will inevitably be, "how high?". I can't tell you the things we've had to do because of HER fears and all of her tears (which always seem to work on my husband; she cries? He gives in... you wonder where children learn that from). But back to the situation at hand; if it's a small thing, try not to sweat it, but if you have a third-party parenting in your house without being present, then forget about it, YOUR house is YOUR HOUSE. The children can trust you and their father enough to make judgment calls without living in fear of what their mother will say, right? They are probably old enough to get the fact that, if you guys really didn't have a clue to what is right and what is wrong, their mother wouldn't let them come over at all.

It sounds like you are really operating in good faith and with the best of intentions. And if I can get that from just one post, your step-kids can trust that too, don't you think? I generally tend to agree with sweebyâÂÂs advice, but I stray a little bit from her opinion this time. Just like two parents have different parenting styles and one may allow certain things while the other doesnâÂÂt, same goes with two households. ItâÂÂs as if the children are bi-cultural and in actuality thatâÂÂs what theyâÂÂre learning. I think itâÂÂs impossible to have the same set of rules in two separate houses, especially when one of the parties will never be present. The big stuff certainly, but the rest, I am sure both households can âÂÂlet it rollâÂÂ.

If I can offer you any advice, I think you and your husband should turn your energy away from the children's mother and keep it on the children (I am sure you are doing this already, I mean no offense; I just know that in my case, I had a woman living in my head whether she or I liked it or not!). We made a family statute (I remember reading about one somewhere and it worked wonders for us!) where we came up with rules together. One of the rules however was that Dad and I (or any adult in charge at home) have final say, not ANYBODY else. So if there are certain things like movies for example, where they donâÂÂt feel comfortable, they can put that down as their rule. But that way, it becomes THEIR rule and not that of the parent that isnâÂÂt there.

Keep us posted (literally, ha ha)

harmar,

Welcome to the forum. It is a good place to come to discuss stepparenting.

Personally, I am definitely of the opinion that whatever you and DH decide is best for the children when they are with you is what rules. I don't mean that you as a stepparent have to ignore the values and opinions of the ex-wife, but what I am saying is there are rules at her place and there are rules at your place and you are not a child, and you are not putting these children in danger. so you are fully capable of deciding if they can watch certain movies or not or how many showers they can take!

What I am saying is please don't let her dictate what and when and how things should be done in your home with these children!

Here is a little story that happened with my SS.

At his mom's house, he had access to the computer when he wanted and for all the time he wanted. He kept saying he needed the computer to do homework and play games.

One weekend, he comes over to my place and sees I have a new computer. Of course, he wants access to it and of course I let him have it although I was extremely nervous about this because I had documents and homework on the computer and I was really scared he would delete it or something.

Well, what had to happened happened. After he left one sunday night, I went up to the computer to discover that my files weren't there anymore, programs had been deleted, etc. etc. etc. It was a mess and I was really, really upset.

After venting my anger to DH, I told him that his son would no longer be allowed to use the computer. I didn't care if had homework to do or not. He was not to use it. Well, the ex wasn't impress with me, beleive me. She told DH that this would not be fair to her son, that he would be stuck having to do his homework during the week now and that she would be stuck with having to help him do it when in fact his father should do it, blablabla!

I told her that's how things were at my house and that if she wanted her son to have access to the computer at her house, that was fine with me! DH never ever said a word against my decision. If I had waited for him to tell her that his son would no longer have access to the computer while he was at our house, my SS would still be using the darn computer today!

So, if I have any advice to give you as a stepaprent for the last 18 years is, is tell the ex. you appreciate the concern she has for the children but you have never to this day placed them in danger and so you are not really interested in what she has to say or think when the children are with you, especially if it doesn't concern major issues like their health.

Keep posting.

Thank you all for your replies, whether I liked them or not. My main point is that I have to trust her parenting when the boys are at her house and she should trust ours. We don't tell the boys what they can and can not do when they are with her. I have to have faith that she is doing her job as a parent. When she and I got along we talked about what the boys do here vs. her house and what they get by with. She runs her house like a boot camp. Here's a story for ya: The oldest boy got in trouble when he was about 7. He had slept over at a friend's house and decided to take the boy's gameboy and a few pokemon cards. The father called the house and asked if he had seen the game and cards. She asked him and he lied about it. She searched his bag and they were in there. Yes, he should be punished. Very much so. This woman (the ex) called the police and told them she wanted her son disaplined and she wanted to go all the way. The police showed up at the house, told him they were taking him to jail for stealing and lying, put handcuffs on him and took him to the police station and put him in jail. They let her pick him up after 15 minutes. His younger brother was in tears because he thought he wasn't going to see his brother again. Yes, he did a bad thing, yes, he should have been punished, but taking him to jail? To me that's border line child abuse.

The boys are very well behaved boys. The are very respectful and they are typical boys. I try to let them be kids. If they come over for the weekend and leave their bed unmade with dirty socks on the floor I'm not going to freak out about it like their mother. Every time we drop them off she grills them about what they did when they were over. She has griped about us going out to eat too much when they were over. She has been mad about how late they stay up if we go visit friends. She says that her child support isn't enough to take care of the boys and she had to buy a bigger (180K) house but she buys their clothes on ebay. My hubby and I have been renting for 4 years.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I would appreciate any more advise and I will try to help where needed also. Thanks!

I am STUNNED at some of these responses. I am a BM and a SM. I would NEVER try to tell my XH how to handle the kids at his house and I would NEVER let my DH XW set rules for MY house. Here is the problem, the BM wants "control" and by letting her do this, she has it. I'm all for wanting what is best for the kids but I'm sure you are not an idiot and are quite capable of handling the kids without her "instructions". IT IS YOUR BUSINESS B/C IT IS YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR LIFE THAT IT AFFECTS. I'd call BULLSH*T on this and stop it now!

harmar, I want to tell you immediately....YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO MAKE YOUR DECISIONS BASED ON YOUR HOME AND FAMILY VALUES!! This IS your business, this IS your home and who ever said it was none of your business, is WRONG. EX is obviously wanting CONTROL, CONTROL, AND MORE CONTROL. Bet you this is why she is alone now. My husbands ex was the same way...she held the boys over his head. Well it did not take my husband long to figure this out (with a little of my help :)). It got so bad with us - that eventually she was told "if you don't like it - don't send him", well of course that did not happen because she wanted her time to herself!! If you do not put a stop to it and a stop to your husband "tiptoeing" around her - chances are she will win and you will be without your husband. You sound like a good person and if you are - you will demand your respect from your hubby and "the ex". She is no longer a part of your husbands life (except for the kids) but with her being this way - she is still holding onto your husband...DO NOT LET HER DO THIS...he is your husband! If you and your husband have certain rules for you child, then the exact same rules should be enforced to the other two...no questions. They should all be treated the same, bio or step! Your husband HAS to change this...you have to make him. I am very sincere harmar -this almost happened to me. Now my husband is MUCH happier and she is completely out of his life! I would keep encouraging him to go to court...sounds like he is responsible for way too much support! There again is the control from the ex. You and he and your child deserve to have a good life and enjoy it!! I would like to hear how this all goes...stand firm - please.