A new step mom...Help..

19 years ago

I have recently moved countries to live with my new husband.

He has two daughters from his first marriage and their ages are 15 & 17. We have been married for 6 months.

Just thinking of what I need to write down here makes me want to cry because if his daughters weren't involved, I would be loving it here.

I'll start at the begining - well sort of.

I met my husband online about 5 years ago, because I lived in another country it took quite some time for us to get the money together to get all the right forms & finally get me here to the USA. During those years I was often emailed or text message to call to the USA at 3am to talk to his daughters because they were going through some problems - and I did this with no problem because I knew that I would one day be there and would do this too. His eldest daughter has been a problem since the age of 13, getting into drinking, drugs, sex & illegal activities. His youngest daughter because of all the attention paid to his eldest has a major attitude problem ( this is my opinion for the attitude ).

When i arrived here tings were ok, there wasn't that many responsibilities for the girls at all - theyleft dishes every where, didn't care what their room looked like, dind't care where they left their items, so I discussed some of this with my husband, and we decided to put up a chore list - o man was this a big mistake - they rebelled completely towards this and it was a major issue for me to even get them to do some of the things ( i didn't load them with chores - dishes twice a week and pick up their clothes ) But this isn't my my problem the problem is this :

Eldest daughter is disrespectful at times a month ago she repeatedly punched me in the face because of a tv remote. She is violent towards the youngest daughter but wouldn't dare do any of this to her dad. The youngest daughter just wants the eldest daughter to leave the house so what she does to get the eldest in trouble is push her buttons continously call her a b*** H** fat ugly until the other one responds by getting into her face and saying that she was goign to beat her to a pulp. And then the youngest comes and complains to us what the other was doing.

The youngest has a major attitude problem so much so that I cn't stand her anymore. She deliberately pushes my buttons making snide comments, so I said to her the one time that if she didn't stop her attitude that one day she will do this to someone that will not take it and something with happen to her - so she went to my husband and told him that I threatened her! my gosh I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and then she turnsinto this sweet lil girl and tries to "suck" up, my husband doesn't take any of this because he knows her very well. This happens at least 4 times a week and its a constant battle. Her attitude is getting to me because where I come from kids give adults respect, and the constant talking back, moaning, whining is getting to me andif it wasn't for the love that I have for my husband i would go back to where I came from without a second thought because this is not the reason I moved here.

I started out with love for the girls, but now its resentment.

So if any of you have some tips for me on how to deal with this anything at all will help. I am at my wits end at the moment.

Thank you

new2mn

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Comments (5)

Vivian Kaufman
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"a month ago she repeatedly punched me in the face because of a tv remote."

The girl is violent? AND your husband doesn't believe you?

Run, do not walk, back to where you came from. No one has to endure and abusive relationship. Ever. Get out and don't look back.
new2mn
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm sorry if you misunderstood me.

My husband did believe me - he is amazing and stands by me with everything. The eldest daughter understands that if she even touches me in a violent way i will call on the police this time, she is also on probation and we did inform her PO about what happened and we are currently doing counselling sessions because of this. Her behaviour has gotten better and is more tolerable than the youngest.
My main issue as I'm sure you can read is with the youngest daughter.
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sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
It sounds like you are handling things well with the oldest -- Good for you! And it's also very positive that your husband is standing strong and supportive beside you. As a united team, you can remain strong together and will have a chance to turn around the younger daughter.

I wish I had some magic words that would fix the younger daughter's attitude -- but of course, I don't. The only tactic I could suggest is one I use to prevent my two boys from fighting, and that's just to nip it in the bud. At the first sign that things are starting to turn sour, I just separate the two, each to a different room, until they can agree to behave civilly. Of course, mine are a bit younger. Does the counselor you're seeing have any suggestions?
new2mn
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
So I'm just going to vent today... I need to - I'm getting really tired of the attitude that Keri gives constantly - and if its not towards me its either towards her dad or her older sister, its like she enjoys it and she doesn't really care who she upsets in the process, she hardly shows any respect for her dad ( my husband) that really gets to me - its like he did nothing to deserve that, he wasn't the one that deserted her at a young age, he was the one that took her and her sister in, gave them food, a roof over their head, clothes and anything they wanted when he could afford it. Heck the mother of the girls has over $10 000 owing in child support - but yet when Keri gets paid who does she think of to take out to eat first.. her mother and the boyfriend & her half sister - nice hmmm.
I am really at my wits end with that child - I don't know what I should do. I've tried to ignore her ( but when she has done something wrong she comes back all sweet & innocent and sucks up - and that is one thing that I can't stand it - no apologies to anyone nothing) If i try to reason with her her attitude just gets worse and she acts out - worse than a 10 year old child with bad temper tantrums, it really is an ugly sight to see especially when she is 15 years old - i mean 5 more years and she's 20 does this mean that when she's 20 she's going to behave like a 15 year old? O Lord help her then!
I don't know, like I said I'm at my wits end do I really deserve this? I love my husband dearly, he is truly the love my of my life and someone that I can't live without.
proserpina
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
The only thing that I can think of, that has helped me immensely is that anger is the easiest emotion to show, at least for kids it seems. Taking her mom out to dinner? Of course!!! One thing I've noticed in my situation is that the kids are ALWAYS seeking their mother's approval, no matter what.... I would imagine even more so if they have been deserted by her.
So back to the anger, if you can figure out what's really going on (aside from the turmoil change causes), and more importantly, don't take any of it personally, it's going to work wonders.
The bummer about step-parenting is that you have to earn love, respect and all those things that biological parents get automatically. And sometimes it seems as if, not matter what you do, none of it goes recognized. I am amazed by how much those boundaries are tested on a daily basis!
Step-parenting, much like parenting, is a trial and error process, ours with much much more scrutiny. So if it doesn't work, put it in a folder of not successes and file it away, that same strategy might work later on.
My coping strategies? Close myself in the bathroom and cry is the first step, take a shower (I've been known to take multiple showers at times) if water soothes you, pray (or meditate, whatever spiritual practice you may have), find support outside of your family (my husband is my greatest ally, but my mom group is also a great help), give yourself a time out or time to do something you love.
I don't know if any of this helps. I've been at it for two years now, and with MUCH work on everybody's part (the children included), things are getting better. It's not time that fixes things, it's what people do during that time. Your girls have a choice to make, as teenagers it's easy to choose pain over pleasure, especially if they've known pain at an early age, but as I say to our kids, "There is always an alternative".
So hang tight, remember that it's just a phase, and know that you can count on all of us out here!

A new step mom...Help..

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Vivian Kaufman

new2mn
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A new step mom...Help..

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Vivian Kaufman

new2mnOriginal Author

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sweeby

new2mnOriginal Author

proserpina

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new2mn
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