Bio moms vs. Step mom (including TOW)
I didn't want to hijack anyone's thread, but something struck me in another thread about how a mom would not want her ex husband's OW at their daughter's wedding or that step mom's shouldn't feel they are entitled to special seating or the MOB & MOG should 'stand out'. But it was the comment about how dad made his bed and now has to lie in it that touched a nerve.
I'm a bio mom. I have a daughter. She's 18 and while nowhere near ready to get married (doesn't even have a BF), it could be a possibility in the next few years. She also has a dad that she hasn't seen but is trying to get her to have a relationship with him. His dad is married so she does have a step mom too. She has no relationship with her step mom, obviously since she has no relationship with her dad. But, all that COULD change. Years from now, I may have to deal with the guy that ran off leaving me (and he also cheated on me) to raise my daughter alone.. walking my daughter down the aisle. and his wife & other kids may be there too. I can say that whether I like it or not, I will not EVER tell my daughter to exclude anyone or where they should sit or what she should do. I only want her to be happy that day and whatever SHE decides to do, I will smile and accept it. If my son ever marries, I will have to sit in the same room as the man that assaulted me... not something I am looking forward to but I will suck it up because it's for my son. THAT's what a mom does!!!
First of all, not all moms are created equal. Not all step mom's are created equal. TOW/TOM's don't deserve respect if they knowingly have an affair with a married person. I think those are things everyone can agree with. Some bio mom's aren't in their kids' lives like they should be or even at all. Some step mom's do more for the kids than their own mom does. These comments have been debated and not everyone will agree so we wlll have to agree to disagree on it.
BUT... doesn't a mom has more of a responsibility to her daughter/son than a stepmom or TOW? If a stepparent or TOW/TOM is jealous or selfish, isn't it the parent's responsibility to rise above it and be gracious? Isn't it the parent's responsibility to think of what's best for their child first? The stepparent or TOW/TOM may or may not love the child, but the mom is supposed to 'unconditionally'. It would be nice if all the adults acted like adults, but truly.. it's the parent's that have the obligation to their children to act like the adult and be a parent, not a crybaby. They aren't supposed to stress out their kids over THEIR feelings.
It's like a cheating husband/wife. When the cheated on spouse blames the other man/woman for cheating with their spouse, they should be blaming the spouse that has a legal and a moral obligation to them. The other man/woman are wrong for doing it, but they really don't have any obligation to the cheated spouse. The blame belongs on the person with a responsibility and that would be the cheater.
When a parent behaves in a way that harms their child, like causing a problem or scene or throwing a fit over SM or TOW, that upsets the child, the blame still belongs to the parent that should be rising above it for their child's sake. A parent may have justified feelings, but when you are the mom, you are supposed to put your children first, not after YOUR feelings.