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Step-Moms and Bio-Moms / Broken Dreams

15 years ago

Greetings all.

I was sitting here last night thinking about how

the Step-moms and the Bio-moms on this site have

different perspectives, and at times those perspectives

seem totally opposite.

I remember when I first married my husband, I had

great empathy and compassion for his first wife.

At that time, we seemed to have so much in common.

We were both divorced, and we were both struggling

to raise 2 kids (mine were 3 & 5 and hers were 13 & 16).

We had both been disappointed in our first marriages

and we were trying to move on and find happiness in other ways and other relationships.

As time went by, the typical issues of step-families set it,

and we became a hotbed of conflict--in the usual ways and situations.

I sat here last night sipping a cold adult beverage,

the pain I was feeling was beyond description.

I don't think I felt this much pain when my first husband left, but I probably did. Anyway, I guess the main issue for me with step-family conflicts is the original hopefulness of finally finding that elusive happiness with this nice man his beautiful children. And then quickly realizing that these people don't wish you well, and

actually will undermine you every chance they get.

I went in expecting a nice family, and what I got was

a lifetime of conflict and catch-22.

The agonizing thing is the bait & switch of such

high hopes and expectations, and the reality of pain,

pain, and more pain.

My step-daughter announced her plans to marry, and my SS

told my husband that he was "concerned" about things. In other words, they were worried that my presence would

ruin the wedding. I told my husband that this was SD's

day, and bio-mom's day, and that there was no reason for me to participate in any way...except to pay for the wedding.

I thought to myself that I didn't think there was a greater pain that I was feeling. Pain and Disappointment.

But I also empathize with Bio-mom and SD, because in their minds, the great disappointment is that even though they can go through the motions of a perfect wedding, with Mom & Dad sitting together on the front pew, and the first dance with the bride, that there will always be a bitter hurt and disappointment but they are divorced.

I remember the pain that I felt with my divorce, and it was substantial, and I feel for all the bio-moms who have felt that. I can say that I know how you feel, because I have been there--with a 1 1/2 year old and one on the way.

But I have also been through what I consider to be the

greatest dissappointment of my life--My greatest hopes and dreams converted to my greatest disappointment, in order to punish me for the greatest disappointment of my Step-kids and their mother.

I have been in both sets of shoes, and in that way

I think that all and step-moms have that in common...we have all been hurt and disappointed, and

we really should be trying to comfort and help each other and finding common ground.

I have had my dreams shattered in both cases, but I don't remember hurting this badly in any time ever in my life.

I think that if I were hurting any more that my heart would explode. This is not how I thought things would be.

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