Step Mom vs Father's Wife

19 years ago

I'm thinking that a lot of the issues that some of face is that all parties involved can't decide if Wife #2 (3,4,whatever:))is a STEP MOM or the FATHER'S WIFE.

The following is not intended as a response to anything previously posted, I'm only trying to illustrate a theme that I have noticed in thread after thread.

I know that this thread will get really anecdotal....but basically I'm talking about when DH thinks of us as wife and (somtimes) mother to his BC, BM thinks of us as ex's wife and (at best) "parenting assistant" to her ex, and the SC go back and forth on our role!

I'm sure many of us have been in the position where we're clicking right along, have SC in the home (even full time), we're taking care of the "business of mothering" and WHAM! Something happens, and all of a sudden what was fine last week now steps on someone's toes and we become "non voting" members of the group....OR we're getting disregarded, "cast out" of the family in terms of priority, asked to "stay out of it" and then WHAM! all of a sudden we're jerks for not including everyone.

What are you thoughts on this?

ps***

While I was typing I gave myself a giggle...when I typed the line about stepping on toes, I decided that maybe that's why we're called STEPparents....seems like someone always feels like we're stepping on their toes.... :)

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Comments (6)

jerseystepmom
19 years ago
My husband's ex has asked "why SHE has so much say in everything" -- I think she viewed me as his wife, but that they still made all the decisions around the kids, even though I have their son full time. This is when I had to share the Stepparent's Bill of Rights...to remind her that I cannot be expected to do all the mothering and not have a say in things that effect my money, time, etc. I know she still doesn't agree, but she understands that my husband and I work together in all aspects of our lives, including raising their/"our" son.
sweeby
19 years ago
That's a good observation --

My role is clearly Dad's wife, not StepMom to my husband's kids. BioMom had killed their relationship with their father before I met him, and he wasn't able to rebuild the relationship until the kids were nearly grown. His son lived with us briefly as an adult. I've never really 'mothered' his kids because it wasn't appropriate to our circumstances, but interestingly, they now seek out my advice on various topics because they know I am calm and rational and that I have their best interests at heart. Our relationship is cordial, polite and pleasant, but not emotionally close.

Just as clearly, my son's stepmother is 'Other Mom', not Dad's wife, and I have to admit we went through some 'territorial' issues. She's a good person, and actually a good mother, but she did step on my toes a few times. (Pre-marriage, she got very involved with DS's doctor and schools in ways I felt were inappropriate and that went against my beliefs, but reflected Dad's). (DS is gifted and LD) But over the years, I've come to realize that StepMom is actually much more reasonable than my Ex and has better parenting judgement. Also, Ex defers to StepMom to be the primary parent in that household. So now when it comes to daily issues concerning our son, I generally work directly with StepMom instead of even bothering with Ex. We've negotiated our peace and DS is the beneficiary.
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After reading all of the above posts I just have to wonder...what must it be like for THESE CHILDREN to have to ask their stepparent if they can call them mom or dad? What is it like for THESE CHILDREN to be introduced as step or half or my husband's/wife's kid? I am quite certain of one thing-it is so dang hard to be a kid these days. It is so dang hard to try to fit in at school, in sports, let alone two different households. How must they feel? How alone or how confused? Why not just do what makes them comfortable? I personally have no experience with stepparents. My own parents have been married for 32 years. However, my mom has experience with every type of HORRIBLE stepparent that has ever lived. Her stepmother used to make HER daughters peanut butter and jelly and made my mom and her sisters freakish cheap lunchmeat sandwhiches. She burned all the baby pictures of my mom an her sisters and did absolutely unspeakable things I won't even mention. And do you know what she told me when I started dating a man with kids? She said, "I never wanted to be a stepmom because of my experiences as a kid. But I made a decision very early on that if I were ever to become a stepmom, I was going to be the best damn one that ever lived!" So here I am, and I'm going to be the best damn stepmom that ever lived. And if my stepkids are more comfortable being introduced as 'my kids' or if the day comes when they want to call me mom, or whatever have you, I'm going to do my best to make them feel good. BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!! IT'S ABOUT THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN!!! And I love them!
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I completely understand your jealousy with bm now being involved and the kids acting like bm was never gone. My skids bm has been in and out of their lives for years and each time she called or saw them they acted like she was so wonderful and was mom of the year. Nevermind that it would be months till the next call....or that her boyfriend would be drunk the whole time the kids were there...or that bm would just sit them in front of the tv all day and the kids heard "noises" coming from bm's room during the day when the door was closed (afternoon quickie perhaps??). Anyways it would upset me so much down deep to hear them say anything good about her because all I could think about was the bad!! And how much time and energy I was putting forth to do the motherly things she did not do. It just about killed me for her to get any credit! There is no easy was to deal with those feelings. You just have to let them go somehow. Realize that the kids love you both. And she gets it easier because she is the bm....she has their unconditional love. And they will put the absent parent on a pedestal and hang on every good thing that parent does. But when they are grown they will have so many more memories with you and remember all the things you did for them. When they have their own kids they will remember talks you had with them and things you did. As for her babying them, well you can't change it. Just keep on with your normal routines at home and they will soon see that they can do XYZ at their moms house and they have to do XYZ when they are at home. But look at the bright side. They are getting to see their sober mom and have a relationship with her, which is better for them in the long run that having her absent and them blaming themselves for it. And if she spends the whole day playing with them be greatful....she could be spending the whole day sleeping and letting them do god knows what! OR she could be having boyfriends over all day.
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Why do you feel the need to justify your position?? Are any of us perfect?? Least of all ourselves?? Hate to let you in on this little surprise. BUT... You aren't perfect. Your wife isn't perfect. Neither are ANY of your sons/stepsons. The boy is still a child -- may be in the body of a man, but still growing to be a man. Since you've raised 3 boys you already know this, right? Of course, HE doesn't think this way at all. He's already a man, so HE thinks. Regardless of his apparent immaturity and seeming unwillingness to contribute to the household, the truth is... he has HIS own experience and that is NO LESS than any of our own. He is his OWN human being full of joy, wonder, and certainly deficiencies. Because of that and the fact that we are parents it is SO easy for all of us to focus on the negative. Sometimes that is ALL we ever focus on. It is part of our job to guide our children and as they get older -- our guidance begins to have less and less effect -- you already know this too I'm sure. But sometimes it's like we get tunnel vision and can't see how lovely forest is overall for all the poison ivy in the trees. Or in the Mom's case, she still sees her wonderful, sweet little toddler and remembers all the horrible things that happened in her past that her sweet child saw, gets consumed by her guilt and lets the guidance part slide. (As a bio-Mom, I do this too and it does aggravate the situation especially in the long run -- I fully admit this). I think, from what you've said and what Mom has said, you BOTH really are on the same wavelength here. You each have your own slant and your own justifications BUT you still agree something isn't quite right. You BOTH feel the child has some room for improvement. And why not? What child doesn't? Because he is older the trick is how to EMPOWER THE CHILD to feel the need to contribute. So... I think that you and Mom somehow/someway need to come up with positive ways to encourage this child to contribute to the household. Either monetarily or through chores or both or something. Mom will hold more sway over the son simply because of the bond so she must TOTALLY embrace the ideas you BOTH come up with. When children contribute it does build self-esteem and a positive self image and when children hear OVER AND OVER again what a good job they have done and what a wonderful member of the household they are, it only naturally carries over to their confidence and helps them move into society (and out of the house) only that much MORE quickly. So maybe my theory might work for you and bio-Mom, first require contribution (you both have that right it IS YOUR house and if he doesn't want to, he can move out) then notice what this child does right, notice it LOUD, notice it OFTEN. Make big deals out of it. Do this consistently and I'll bet that the situation improves. Your own household will benefit greatly from a higher focus on the positive instead of the negative. After all, we all love REAL praise don't we? We are just human. Q
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Jerica, You've written practically the story of my life, only it happened to me at 40 and not 18. I'm going to back up what some of the other posters say, in that you must tread softly in relation to how you talk about his wife. Keep in mind, though, that you may be getting the blame for things that you haven't said or done. My SM is good at making things up, to the point that my dad actually believed her. I believe you've sized the situation up correctly: Your SM is jealous of the closeness you have with your dad. Women like that (and it happens with biological mothers of sons, as well) can't seem to tell the difference between the love a man has for his wife and the love he has for his daughters. In other words, she may see you and your sister as a romantic rival for her husband's affections. Sick, but sometimes true. Talk to your dad, alone if at all possible, about the situation ... that you feel estranged from him and that you would like to spend more time with him. If he seems reluctant or won't look you in the eye or is evasive, ask him point blank if there's anything you've said or done that has made him or your SM mad. This is where you have to be careful. If your SM is inventing problems for him (things that she says you've done or said), it'll be hard to listen to it and not get really angry. I made that mistake a couple of times. Now that my father is actually talking to me again, I usually wait until he tells me what my "offense" is and then I, very calmly, tell him whether or not it actually happened. Be careful, though. Me and my siblings were really close to my dad until my SM came on the scene. He allowed her to estrange him from his family ... to the point that at one point, he didn't see or speak to any of his children or grandchildren for more than two years.
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kkny
19 years ago
I think a lot of this depends on how much time the skids spend at SMs house. If not much, as my daughter does, she is just dad's GF, and I assume will be dad's wife. Dad's finanical committments are his, and how they share expenses are not my concern. If she ever tryed to show ME the x, the SM bill of rights, I would laugh in her face. Her issues are for her to discuss with her husband.
cawfecup
19 years ago
Step-mom = you get to do all the dirty work and no repsect
father's wife = respect this from older children I am guessing.

My skids like to say ... you're not my mother
mommy said you can't tell me what to do

My response: Then don't ask me to do anything a mother is supposed to do for you ... I do "stuff" for you because I want to not becausue I have to.
Ashley
19 years ago
I guess it just depends on the relationship between the people involved. I think it is kinda the same when it comes to Aunt vs. Uncle's wife. An Aunt or Stepmom takes an active interest and is involved in your life. An Uncle's wife or Father's wife is just somebody that is around when your Dad or Uncle are there. Not somebody you have a relationship with.
mmommy
Original Author
19 years ago
I agree with a lot of what is being posted.

raek, I especially like your SM/aunt analogy. I am a very deliberate person, I have worked hard to set up an "aunt like" role for myself. Someone to be counted on, someone worthy of respect and graditude. I've tried really hard not to step on toes while staying involved.

I think for me, the hardest part is the back and forth. The way that my SD (in particular) has treated our relationship as one that is disposable. There have been times that I was the only adult on her side. (She's got a ton of issues and DH and BM have been too close to look at things objectively). Now, we don't even speak. SS and I, on the other hand, have a very "aunt like" relationship.

just posting.....it's simply nice to communicate with others who have the same struggles (and those who have the counter position, too) and get some tips on how to manage the ebb and flow of it all.

Step Mom vs Father's Wife

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Step Mom vs Father's Wife

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