I actually think your analogy is a pretty good one. It all comes down to what I've been telling my husband for years...it's a "sex" thing.
Women are competitive with each other much more then they are with men. Same goes for men,who would be very competitive with other men,and less so with a female. (however,there ARE exceptions!!!)
Simple examples come to mind when I think of this.When my nephew comes over,I'm a bit more passive with him then my husband is.They kind of "Butt heads" as two males would do.
Just as his one daughter I think kind of sees me as a form of competition for her father's affections.
I really dont want to get flamed for my views,but this is how I honestly feel!
My husband has always wanted a son (what man doesnt) but instead got 4 girls. Yet,whenever he is with boys in the family,they tend to get under his skin faster and he seems a bit "harder" when correcting them.With his daughters,he is a total mush pot.
And I'm like,"You sure you really wanted a son? You'd be butting heads with him all the time~exspecially as a teen!"

It's kinda sad though,to think we are harder on our own sex then we are with the opposite sex.

Outcome:
SD feels like SM "replaced" mother and SD (subconciously) fears that SM can replace her,also.

AND/OR

SD fears that a good relationship with SM (her mother's "replacement")would be a betrayal to her mother.

and both of these outcomes are very accurate IMHO.

It may also be that SD reminds SM of her mother. SM resents being second wife and sees first wife when she looks at SD.

mmommy -- funny that you say this because it seems true and I never really looked at it this way, but we definitely are having a harder time with the SD. In my case I know that it is a loyalty issue with SD. Her mother has been heard saying "you'd rather be with [SM] than me" etc. So, she knew that she has to reject me and go to her mother (move away with her even!). That said, my SS has had his share of grief from his Mom because he didn't want to go live with her when she moved away, and he doesn't allow her to manipulate him the way the daughter does. Maybe it is her daughter feels more responsibility to take care of their Mom than he does.

To kkny, I laughed at your comment because my situation is the opposite -- my SD looks just like her Dad and my SS who lives with me looks just like his Mom. I admit to you that I have sometimes said that I do have to sometimes remind myself that he only looks like her -- he is NOTHING like his mom! But, it does make me feel strange sometimes, so if my SD not only acted like her mother, but looked like her too....ugh!

Bonjour,
From my experience with two SD's and one SS, I too agree that it has been more difficult with one SD than with my SS. When I met them, they were SD number 1 = 9 yrs old, SS = going on 3 and SD number 2 = one and half yrs old. From the very first day I met them, SD number one was quiet, didn't want to come around my house, never talked to me, never said thank you, etc. etc. (I'm not going there his mornning)! However, right from the start, I talked to DH about my relationship with SD number one, how I didn't feel good about it, how she didn't seem to feel good around me, etc. etc. I treated her the same way on her birthday, xmas, etc. as I did the other two. It took me years, and years, and a lot of reading, even therapy, to try and understand why I wasn't clicking with her. With time, I've really come to the conclusion that it's not because she is the daughter of my DH that I have to love this person, have common interest with this girl, be around her, etc. Most importantly, in order to keep my sanity about the entire situation, I, myself have to stop judging her. I am working especially hard at '' letting go'' and at '' detaching'' myself from her life, her choices, her decisions and her way of affecting me.

She has been in town for 10 days. She has called her father twice during that time. She is leaving her DH and she is coming to live at her mother's house with her two daughters. Makes me sick to my stomach. She has not mentioned a word to me about it. When I think of all the consequences of her decision to leave her husband will have on her two young daughter's, I just want to scream and tell this SD how selfish she is! But I can't since she obviously does not want my advice or opinion. DH tells me he supports his daughter's decision. Why am I not suprised!!!!We've had lots of arguments about this and now I give up. Being a daughter myself of divorced parents, I don't take divorce lightly. I am so hurt by the entire situation, that I don't want to be around this SD no more. I am too afraid that for the first time in 18 years, I will have a truly serious arguement with her and if that ever happens, and her father finds about it, that will be the end of our relationship. He will defend his daughter till the day he dies.

People tell me it is none of my business that this SD has decided to divorced. In a way, I understand what they are saying, but then, I think, Hey, I've been in this child's life for 18 years. She is not a stranger to me and it makes me sad that nobody around her including her father, has tried to tell her that nobody said it was going to be easy being married, that right now in her life...it is not her that should come first, but their two young daughter's, that what her and her husband are going through (financial difficulties) is one of the major reason couple's divorce, and that perhaps she didn't do everything she could up until now to avoid having to leave her DH.

Thank the Lord there is this forum. Thank you for reading me.
Please don't hesitate to give me your comments /advice. I truly need them as I can't talk to DH about this. Everytime we do, I just block, nothing wants to come out, I'm too hurt at how ignored and being felt like I don't exist by him and his daughter.

Fleurs,

Please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not criticizing. I think that maybe the reason that your SD doesn't talk to you about it is that she may already know or think she knows what you think about her divorce. She may already know that you don't approve and she probably just doesn't want to hear your opinion about it.

You are right not to agree with the divorce (for richer or poorer are the vows, right?) Unless she truly feels that her Husband is not doing all that he can to support his family, in which case she may have a ligitimate beef. Either way, my guess is that she knows that you don't approve of what she is doing and she doesn't care to hear your judgement.

Also, I think most of you are right about the competition thing in many situations. I think in many ways my SM is more competitive with me than she is with my brother. But she also isn't very nice to him either. I just think she hates that my dad has any family other than her. I know that is not how all of you feel though.

raek,

Thank you for your reply. I know you are right. I know this SD doesn't want to hear my opinion about her decision to divorce and in fact I know she doesn't want or care for my judgement on anything. This being said, it hurts me to be so ignored.

However, this SD sure wants to hear her mother's opinion about her decision to divorce. (Her mother hates her daughter's husband with a passion)and she sure wants to hear her father's opinion on the question which basically boils down to '' poor sweetie'' when in fact DH himself has told me how hurt he is by his daughter's decision to divorce and how he himself thinks she could probably do some things to improve her mariage. But because he never, never, never wants to go against his daughter's wishes, he doesn't say a word.

This SD also did not care about my opinion 10 years ago when she quit school in grade 9. She didn't want to hear my opinion or get my advice either when she started hanging around town, and not coming home at night.Gees I wonder how come she got pregnant during that time. She was 16.

Today, she has two daughters, no education, no job, no future. etc. The wheel keeps turning and that is what makes me sad.

Oh well. I keep telling myself it's her lost. Really. Stepdaughter number two and I get along. She is now in university.

Please keep on posting. I truly appreciate your comments.

Well what if you have two SS's??? The oldest looks just like his dad and has both personalities (talk about Gemini!) and the youngest - well we do not know who he looks like!! but definitely acts like his mother! I can't associate all of your senarios with my situation...or can I?

I dont know Jenny,do you feel you have any sort of competition with your stepsons?

Raek,you could be right your step mom wants your dad all to herself and wishes he didnt have any other family. I think that is less about being a step mom though and more about being a co-dependent,controlling kind of person.

Fluers gardner,I can cerianly see why you'd disaprove of your step daughter's divorce.I feel much the same way about my sister's divorce. However,I think expressing your feelings on the subject wouldnt sway her feelings about it anyways.I would (and have been) more likely to make my own private judgement but keep my thoughts to myself.I have a feeling that even if your husband and SD's mom disaproved,she still would have done it anyways as well.

coolmama, thank you for your post.

I completly agree with your comments. I don't think expression my opinion to my SD about her decision to divorce would have changed much.

However, I think her attitude towards me is just plain blatant and ignorant. When it comes to major decisions in her life or whatever decision, she wants nothing to do with me. Come to think of it. Why should see! She's always thought she knew more than me and her father and mother have never been strict with her and she knows that. That's why she is where she is today.

Strange however how I've managed to influence one SD in the right direction while the other one is a lost case. I really wonder what this SD is going to do the day her sister, her brother, her mother and her father get sick and tired of having to support emotionnaly, financially, physically because of her stupid childesh decisions. For my part, I am tired of making '' nice '' with her. I really think at one point in ones life, you begin treating others the way they treat you. For 18 years, I've tried, and tried and tried to be nice to this woman, and what does she do. She truly makes me feel like I don't exist. This is the last time she will make me feel like this.

I thank every one who has taken the time to listen to my situation and who has commented on it.

Cheers.

fleurs,

It sounds like she is used to people telling her what she wants to hear. That is probably part of her problem with her husband. He may not do that anymore. Also, if money is the problem and she is a dropout with very little earning potential. It is funny that she thinks leaving him will help her in any way.

I think she doesn't talk to you because you don't tell her want she wants to hear and everybody else does. I agree with you, it is her loss, not yours. Keep your head up!

raek,

Thank you so much for your reply. You are right on.

All her life, she was put on a pedestal and she was made to think that what she did was never wrong.

The day of her wedding I thank the lord she was marrying that man. I always thought he was good for her and the kids but one day he would wake up and see that she wasn't doing her part in the relationship. Even with him, she had this sense of entitlement and I guess he just got sick and tired of it. I know for a fact that he is less and less at home and that he was sick and tired of the fact that she was on the computer all night long, not taking of the children, not being with him, etc. The children themselves told their grandfather, my DH, at xmas time, that their mom was always on the computer and she didn't spend time with them!!! So there you go!

She has never done anything on her own and she is 26 yrs old. At 26 yrs old, she is moving back in with mommy and her two kids. I wonder how long this is going to last.

Happy weekend.

Or maybe step mom is threatened by step daughter, and sees her relationship with her dad a threat. Daddies little girl and the way a little girl can bond with her dad. Perhaps that tight bond can be threatening to the step mom somehow. And she treats her differently, because she may be jealous of that bond. Some girls are more daddies girls, than mommies girl. Or maybe a step mom just assumes a daughter is tight and a side kick to her mom, and therefore pushes the girl away because she is too threatening.

Or maybe the girl feels if the step mom wasn't with her dad anymore, her family would be back together again. She may not really hate the step mom...but like any child, (or adult for that matter) she just wants her family back together as it is supposed to be. Don't we all want that? We want our parents to love each other and to be a family. And a step parent stands in the way of that.

You've got a good point there bnice-

The first part doesn't apply in my situation. There has always been a disconnect with my DH and his daughter. In an effort to alleviate any jealousy she had of our marriage, I did everything I could to foster a closer relationship between the two of them. I would literally set them (DH and SD) up on "dates". I would tell DH when it was and then I would get SD to decide on what the two of them would do....I have tried to create an environment that allows SS, SD, and BioS to have a relationship with their father that is not defined by me.

The second part of what you are saying is right on in our house. What I don't get, though, is why it's so different for my SS. There is none of this. It such a mystery to me.

I need some help. I have been married for 1 1/2 years and habe been with my husband for 6 years. He has a 14 y/o daughter from a previous relationship and she has recently been court ordered to come live with us. Her and I have never gotten along and I only agreed to have her move in because I love her father so much. Since her arrival my hubby and I do not get along. All the sd and I do is fight and it is evident that we do not like each other very much. It is killing my hubby as he loves both of us very musch. He told me last night that he plans on leaving me at the end of the school year because he has to look out for whats best for his daughter. While I admire the dad putting his child first, I am resentful. I do not want to loose him, but fear I have already. I thought I could handle it - but I have no children of my own and never wanted any so I am resentful of my loss of freedom and the life with my husband I have come to enjoy so much. I realize that I am the adult here, but I don't know what to do. My SD lies about me to her mom and dad all the time and it causes so much trouble. She doesn't want to be around me and I don't like being around her, but we both want to be around dad. Can anyone offer me some helpful advice. SD and I have nothing in common so I do not know how to create a bond. I want so much to save my marriage and somehow accept SD in my life. I am 40 and feel like I don't want to change who I am, but I reognize that if I don't do something about it all I will be is 40 and alone instead of 40 in a loving relationship. Does anyone know how I feel?

dyinginside, I don't think there is an answer if your husband has made a choice like that. My only question would be 'why is he waiting until the end of the school year?'. Are you taking care of or supervising his daughter or contributing financially for her? Is waiting until the end of the school year somehow convenient for HIM? Why wait? If you have the means, leave him now. He's made his choice and while I know it's not what you want to hear, I'd call him on it. I'd pack my stuff and say, "I'm sorry you feel this way but I see no reason to prolong this and I am not getting any younger, so I intend to move on and find the happiness I deserve." Happiness does not have to include a man. Being alone can be happier than being with the wrong man. Are you really in a loving relationship now, if he is willing to tell you so far in advance that he's going to leave you... when it becomes convenient for HIM?

I know how you feel, I raised my exBF's kids for six... almost seven years. I was good enough to raise his kids, but not good enough to be his wife. He didn't treat me like his partner and even though you are married to your husband, he is not treating you like a partner. He's made a decision and now you should let him live with it. Maybe he will realize that dumping his wife is not what's best for his daughter. Maybe he will realize it when it's too late, when you realize he did you a favor and you are happier without him. Lots of times, men don't realize what they have until they lose it. 40 isn't the end of the world.. I got married for the first time at 37. I'm going to be 40 in a few months and if my husband announced he was divorcing me in a few months, I sure wouldn't wait around to get a few months older.

What a guy!
I'd be very, very tempted to simply say something profound like "Up yours!", pack a bag and leave. Let HIM try to raise a child on his own and see how he likes it. That'll teach him!

But that's not my style...
None of you like the situation the way it is.

- #1 - His comment sounds like he's not even willing to TRY to change it. And if that's the case, there's really not much you can do other than leave with your dignity. (see above)

- #2 - But if he's simply assuming that he CAN'T change it, then he could just be suffering from a case of 'male pattern denseness' and family counseling might help.

It would be worth your while to ask him if his views fall into category #1 or #2 before doing anything else.

But if he's not willing to make the effort to try to save the marriage, the yes, go NOW rather than at his convenience.

mmommy, i agree with your analogy. It is a sense of replacement fear and loyalty for her mom that SD feels this way. I do have a better relationship with SS than SD because she competes. And yes it is a sex thing. I agree with that. SS doesn't give a hoot and is not a drama queen like Sd. He just wants to have fun and it doesn't matter to him who said what and who goes where etcet.c.... In fact. SD personality does match her mom quite well. She has a very jealous potential about anyone. Even her other brother. Biomom is like that exactley..jealous of her own sister in fact. Can't blame SD 100%, she is being raised by the only person in front of her.
An no....not jealous of her and the relationship she has with her father. In fact i encourage time alone wtih them. And she doesn't look like her mother. SHe is the spitting image of my husband. BUt she acts like her mother...which is a shame. SHe is already starting to lose alot of her school classmates already. We've heard it throught he grape vine. They dump her for activities and now they do not pass her the ball during games....really sad....but we have no control of that and its also part of her learning process. sHe has to grow and realize that she cannot treat people badly...again..soemthing she has learned through biomom.
ANd i also agree with other posters here that SD sees SM as a block for her mom and dad to get back together. BUt you see mom and dad must explain that that scenario will not happen and that life goes on. This has to be doen by both bioparents..if not..this only serves to make both families suffer.
Resentment goes both ways here. Sd cause ALOT of grief for her mothers new husband. ALOT.....i've heard it gets nasty at times.
Dyinginside,
You have to speak to your husband and have open communication with him at all times. Its doesn't matter how much your SD lies, as long as you husband knows she is doing it and how you feel and he should stand next to you as your husband. I hear alot of the saying 'putting the kids first or putting the wife first' I've thought about this and after alot of reflection, we do not put anyone 'first' weve explained to SD that me and her are both important to dad, that he both loves us in different ways and that we are both on two different pedastals. My DH was very good with that. Biomom would enforce the thought in her daughter that daddy was not loving her anymore but she knows that her mother has her own agenda.
Bottom line. your hubby and you should be on the same page and he must realize that you guys wont get along and he must accept that. There is nothign wrong with that. But you both must act civilized with one another. From a human perspective. Its like working with someone inthe office. You dislike them but still must be respectful towards oneanother. My husband knows where i stand with his daughter. I like her and i dont. I do not like the way she behaves towards him. With me she does respect me. We've butted heads before but we are both human and we both handle it.
Create time alone between dad and sd and between you and your husband. I did this alot at the beginning of my relationship. This way we share time. We all did things together as well. But my SD didn't hate me. She was confused because ofher biomom. As much times as we butt heads she's told her dad that if i ever leave she doesn't want to see him again. I think , time will help. She just moved in, she needs to realigne her relationship with ehr dad and feel secure. Give them some room but be firm wher eyou stand as a person with her. Acknowledge you both dont like one another, acknowlege that you both love the same man and that you have to share. And speak with your hubby.

I have taken some advice and talked with hubby. He says he really doesn't want to end our marriage but that's the direction he thinks it is heading because me and SD both admit we dont want to be around one another. We have agreed to give it a bit more time. I have suggested counseling for all of us and he doesn't seem interested right now though. He did tell me that he spoke with SD today amd she says that when I try to talk to her, I just come off annoying and she just wants me to leave her alone. So that's what I will do for now. I hate feeling like I am not welcome in my own home, butshe is young and maybe she'll come around. As far as my leaving now - or even threatening - we live with my parents due o finances, so that isn't a possibility at the moment. I guess I'll just muddle along and ride it out for as long as I can. My hubby says he loves me and is in love wuth me, so maybe we have a chance. Thanks for listening. It's nice to have a place to let out my feelings.

So you're OK with him using you for a place to stay?

Choices:

1) we go to counseling NOW and work this out...

or

2) Take your daughter and go ...

What do you parents say about how your relationship with SD and hubby?

Your stepdaugher was court ordered to come and live with you and your husband?...where is her mother? What happened there? You said you fight with her all the time. Why? It takes two to engage...why engage the fight? What are you fighting about constantly? There seems to be a lot of info left out.

Sorry, the more I hear, the ickier the feeling I get. So, he's living under your parent's roof with his teenage daughter and giving you lots of advance warning that he's willing to leave you in the dust. But now that you are confronting him, he's gonna play nice, profess his love and says he wants it to work, but he's not interested in counseling right now?

Honey, you can muddle along until you can't take it any longer but you are only wasting your time. He's getting a benefit and you get not much. If you are happy settling for less, then that's your choice. I think you deserve better than to be with someone just because you don't want to be alone. I've been in a similar situation and I've been alone for several years before I met my husband. I was much happier being alone than with my ex & if I had muddled along (well, longer than I did) with my ex, maybe I would have been muddling and never met the wonderful guy that became my husband. His daughter has had her attitude with me but we are a team and he manages to support me and parent her. If your husband feels he needs to choose her over you, then he will probably spend the majority of his life alone or miserable because he's allowing a child to run his life. and BTW, her 'attitude' isn't so unusual for a teenager, that's how they sometimes act. She doesn't have to like you but he should expect her to respect you, as his partner. You don't have to like her or bond to her, but you do need to respect her and her relationship with her dad. (If you do decide to stay with him, which personally based on what you have said about him, I wouldn't & it would have nothing to do with his daughter)

With finances the way they are, and all of you living with your parents --
You have a lot of leverage right now and I'd strongly suggest you use it!

Demand that StepDaughter be civil and treat you with respect, and then you do the same. It might just work. Same with Hubby. Either he steps up and parents his daughter and doesn't let her get away with abusing you, and gets his own butt into counseling or he can find a new place to live.

Refuse to be treated badly in your own house!

Dyinginside,
Your husband stated that it will end in divorce because of you and his daughter. one thing: HE SHOULD NOT DEFINE HIS MARRIAGE TO YOU ON THE BASIS OF HIS DAUGHTER . PERIOD. BIg red flag here. and to top it off he's not interested in going to counciling now?????
I agree with sweeby, you have leverage, use it. You are in your parents home. If your husband thinks that is where its heading and he has made the decision to not change this direction, because he's the one who can change this or at least put his foot down and say to his daughter, she is my wife i love her , stop treating her like Sh*t, then there is only two things you can do.
1. Tellhim counciling now and work it out while being at the parents house. Cause counciling does cost and financially you'ld be in better position to do this...
2. If he insists on no counciling and stays.....tell him to leave with his daughter.
My feelings on this: If i were under my parents roof, in this situation and my husband said, well i've spoken to my daughter and she still doesn't like ..and i guess if that is the way its going to be between you then i guess i'll have to divorce you....I would tell him, pack your bags now and leave with your daugther please. I would tell him , i know you love me and you love your daughter but if this is the way you think then its obvious you have chosen your path and you want your daughter and there is no sharing of you between me and her. Please have a wondering life and take care of yourself and yoru daughter...Give him time to pack up and go to a relative until he cna find an apartment.
WHy muddle through a situation when your husband has obviously made a decision not to act and to pick his daughter? I know you are in love with him but maybe he needs to be alone with his daughter to form a relationship with her and he can't handle the both of you.ITs sad. unless you all go to counciling i dont think this will work. You will be left alone and resent not acting faster.

If SD was court ordered to live with Dad, that suggests to me that some traumatic stuff went on at Moms house. She probably isn't a "normal" teenager right now and is probably dealing with some pretty hefty issues. She may even be "testing" you to see how much you can take before you reject her.

I think you need to insist on counseling for all of you. I also wonder what the situation was that Dad wasn't around to obtain custody, but instead was court ordered to take her. The language to that doesn't seem right.

First of all everyone seems to be missing the fact that you have stated that you are resentful (twice), you never got along with this 14 year old from the beginning which would have made her 8 at the time...you also say that you both fight constantly, and that you never wanted kids but only agreed to have her come live with you because you love your husband (never mind the fact that she was court ordered) ...maybe I'm crazy but it seems to me that this poor kid didn't have a chance in hell with you from the get go. Maybe, just maybe, her father sees this, and whatever else has gone on in this childs life, and needs to rethink his priorities. I sense the overall disdain you have for this girl just by reading your post. Imagine what she picks up nonverbally from you day in and day out?...personally, I'd take my kid and run.

"personally, I'd take my kid and run."

I agree but where should he run? He's approximately 40ish, living with his wife's mom and dad due to financial issues, was recently "court-ordered to live" with the daughter (doesn't sound like he was the one who initiated a custody battle, which means to me that he could have been aware that his daughter was not receiving adequate care with her mother and yet didn't pursue custody himself) and still thinks that he can threaten a spring-time divorce and deny his wife's request for counseling. Hmmmm, sounds like a real winner to me... Sounds like Dyinginside and the stepdaughter are the victims. Personally, I'd boot him out and keep the kid! When all is said and done, they have quite a bit in common if only they'd give each other a chance...

I don't believe in the "victim" mentality especially when it comes to a grown woman who was with this man for four years before they were married, and still married him knowing she didn't get along with an 8 year old child (that was the kids age when they got together). Booting him out and keeping the kid is not in the realm of reality as I'm sure you know. The whole sitution stinks particularly for the child stuck in a home where only one person actually seems to want her. I can't imagine what she must be feeling...mom out of the picture and dad, well, as you said he sounds like a winner.

Obviously keeping the kid is not in the realm of reality, however, if the OP can connect on some level - even if she feels that both are in a bad situation together because of this one man, then she may see the child in a different light. Sometimes it takes turning one little corner and we see things differently.

And no, I don't feel she is a "victim" when compared to the child, but I do feel that she is the perceived "victim" in comparison to her husband.

Hi. Anyone still there regarding this topic? I completely relate!