Don't look for trouble that isn't there. Your husband and his ex are actively participating in school events, so I would stay out of it. There is no battle. And just because you married this guy, that shouldn't change anything with his daughter. She still has a mom and sounds like her mom has been there for her. That said I think its great that you attend sporting events, but keep your attendance to the larger events. As for events like back to school night where you meet teachers, and perhaps discuss a child's personal needs, well that should be limited to the bio parents.

If your SD and your husband wants you to go......GO! The SD may feel you don't want to be there.

Being in an extended family is the most difficult situation I have ever been in. We rarely hear the good things in this forum and there are families out there that make it work. I researched Sidney Poitier after watching him in Heat of the Night. I realized what a nice family he had. His ex went to all family gatherings without any problems.

I agree with Emma. Your SD wants you there, your husband wants you there. The mother may or may not - although you're sure she'd object.

My thought is that it would round out the child's sense of security that people who love her are involved in the various aspects of her life. Why hold yourself at arms length?

You are right my SD does have a mom (not a great mom but a mom) I want to respect her mom that is why my SD and I have boundaries and a relationship that is respectful of her bio mom. I am a big part of my SDs life and knowing her personal needs is helpful when I help with homework and take her to school. My SD has had problems with school last year and three adults informed of her educational needs would be helpful in order for her to have a successful school year. A child can never have too much support. I didn't just "marry some guy" I am married a man with a child and when I did that I took on a parental role in his child's life. It is very early in the marriage. That is why I am questioning going to back to school night because if the mother gets upset she usually takes it out on her daughter or my husband. I will eventually go to school events. I am questioning if currently I should allow everyone to become more comfortable with the new family dynamic.

You could be ultra-diplomatic and ask bio mom if she would mind if you went, while being deferential to her in your attitude. It's great that the child has a bunch of interested adults.

Lily, Back to School Night would be ok. So would events like Open House where the kids get to show off their classrooms and a bit about what they've been doing/learning.

The problem comes in when a bio-parent would object and make a scene if the parent arrived and found you standing there next to the opposite parent. What you wouldn't want to happen is have these events turned into a fight and/or do anything that would ruin the evening for the child. On the other hand, if the BM in your case knows how to behave herself there shouldn't be a problem. The bio-parents are not (I assume) attending together, they are going separately and except for seeing each other in passing are not making a 'family' night. While both parents are still SD's family, the parents themselves are no longer family to each other and should act as such. They are individuals living separate lives who share a child.

Back To School Night is a simple event. The teachers can be introduced to the parents, but not necessarily together at the same time. Parents just rather get in line (if there is one) or wait until the teacher is free and walk up and introduce themselves. It's not meant to be a 'lets discuss issues and/or any problems' night.

Sometimes there will be a sign up sheet on the table for parents to schedule their Fall Parent/Teacher conference. As more and more school children are from spilt parents these days, most teachers allow for time for both parents individually. Your DH and BM do not have to attend the conferences together. Each one can sign up for a different 15ish (typical time slot) minute conference. If your DH signs up for one time and BM a half an hour later, no problem in you attending with your husband. You help the child with her homework and this gives you a chance to speak briefly with the teacher.

This isn't about you trying to take over BM's place or trying to step on her toes...it's just plain simple facts that children live in two homes now a lot of the time and you're right, the more involved and actually trying to participate in their education and concern for it, the better.

What you shouldn't do are things like sign up for Room Mother, or for the volunteer to help out at the Halloween class party (those types of usual parent tasks) if BM is signing up for them. No child needs two women doing the volunteer classroom stuff. That is the mother's place and role and fire will set off if your husband tried to have you take the mother's place in those school activities. It's BM's daughter and BM should be allowed to participate in those childhood tasks without you butting in.