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step mom vs bio mom (I was the only mom for some time)

14 years ago

I am also a step mom to a 5 and 8 year old. I was the only mom in their lives at the age of 2 and 5. Their bio mom has recently hit 2 years of sobriety and now takes them regularly on the weekends. They both call me mom and did so on their own. I completely support their needs with my husband financially, physically, emotionally, sign them up for sports, buy their school clothes, put them to bed, set the rules, etc. My problem is that bio mom still feels that they are 2 and 5 and treats them as such. She missed out on those years and the problem comes when they come back from her house whiney after they've grown up and learned to do things on their own under our roof. They will be 6 and 9 this fall. I have my first biological child, their half sibling on the way. I don't feel like a step mom and i aslo cringe when my oldest writes about times with her 'real' mom. I firmly believe that carrying a child for 9 months and then leaving their lives is just as bad as donating sperm. I feel just as much if not more their mother at this point. until their mother is out of her "alcohol controlled' environment, living on her own and helping out financially, my husband will still decide when and how long they can go for visits. Though I know it is important for them to have a relationship with her (i grew up with a non-existant dad), I still sometimes feel protective and maybe a little jealous that there is more than just me now. How do I cope and release some control because I am having difficulty with that issue. for example, in the morning- they get themselves dressed, get their own cereal because we are teaching them to be self-sufficient but they go there and she dresses them and cooks and involves them with every step of the day, every meal, arts and crafts all day long...we often have the kids go play, occupy themselves and of course spend a lot of time together too...any thoughts, feelings or suggestions

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