I did read your other post and it is a truly tragic situation.

In regard to BM, I can only suggest that you focus your energy on your DH and SS. There are obviously mountains of issues with BM. Think about it this way---DH didn't stay married to her for a reason. He married you for a reason. Clearly, there are differences between the two of you and you will exhaust yourself trying to figure out a woman who is not wired the way you are.

Try to surround yourself with supportive people. Shore yourself up. Again, focus your concern and energy on DH and SS.

My very best wishes for peace and strength are with you.

She's "not ready to have him home".

You might research narcissism.

won't make any difference in her behavior, but it may help you understand & stop having any expectations or hopes of her.

I'm sorry.

Very insightful Sylvia. Narcissism is exactly what it sounds like. I mean, how could her son have done this to her?

Thank you all for your support. You are right, she is something else, and I have to stop trying to understand how she thinks she is a good mother.

DH has shared some gems from the hospital counseling sessions he has been attending with SS and BM. BM thinks she has been "supportive" of son, but her idea of being supportive is saying, "I love you bunches, honey, and everything is going to be fine," as opposed to giving the teen guidance and saying, "No, you are not going to stay out all night."

SS has mentioned in these sessions returing to BM's once he is released from the residential treatment center. And that really scares me, because I don't think she can change her parenting skills. She had a second chance when SS went back to live with her 6 months ago, and look where we are today. I just don't think she gets it. She seems to think that this troubled teen phase is something that they will grow out of, and all she has to do is step back and wait. It would be all too easy with this lack of guidance for SS to fall back into old friends and habits.

Does anybody on this board think she can do a better job?

Wow, your situation sounds a lot like mine. My husband's ex definitely has personality disorders and is extremely narcissitic/histrionic. My 19 y/o SD had emergency surgery last year out at college and her mother did not go! Her father (who was very shut out of her life the 2 years prior) left at like 4:00 a.m. to get there before her surgery that morning so she knew someone was by her side. Mom's explanation was that she thought one parent there was enough (it was an ovary removal -- I'm sure she would have preferred her Mom over Dad being there!). Another time 16 y/o SD was in hospital for bulimia and it was agreed by the staff and her that she would go live with her Dad for a little while because her mother was driving much of the reasons for the bulimia. Mom's response? Called her at the hospital and said "you are really hurting my feelings by wanting to go live with Dad." Yup. All about her (this is the same woman who moved that daughter 2 hours away and just left her son....eventually she tried to talk her son into moving down, but he knew he had it way better staying with his Dad (before we married). Bottom line....it took me a while until I finally "got it" -- I concluded that she has no maternal instinct and so she always puts her needs before her children's. It is bizarre to me, but once I understood the personality issues and that she doesn't have the same "maternal" feelings towards her kids, I understood the selfishness and the no rules household. She really thinks of herself as their friend and not a parent who is responsible for teaching them how to be responsible mature adults (oh yeah, she also took them on vacation and when her son (then 15 y/o) decided not to drink anymore because it interfered with his morning run....his mother and sister were teasing him about being a wimp for not joining them in their drinking every night.

Like Sylvia and Sweeby said -- understanding her issues will help you lower your expectations. All you can do is your part. And, since I just read your other post about loving your SS today, I know you feel the rewards too!

I think I was rambling a bit...I'm trying to hurry, but I had to say something here because I totally understand where your confusion and frustration comes from! Good luck!

SS#2 has been away at residential treatment center for the last two weeks. He is only doing "okay" because he's not happy to be there. He doesn't think he needs residential treatment, he doesn't like that they treat him like someone who hurts himself, and he thinks he should be able to come home and prove to us that he's capable of making better choices. (This last one, he did use on DH and me when he wanted to go live with BM, and of course, that didn't work out too well ...) I'm just hoping that he will be open to the help they are trying to provide.

In the meantime, BM is calling DH everyday and whining about "SS#2 is so unhappy to be there, and maybe we shouldn't make him stay." Is she kidding?

SS#1 is home for spring break. He was supposed to go on trip, but decided to stay home instead, so we've spent a lot of time talking. He let it slip that his brother had actually cut himself before, when he first went on Zoloft, a couple of weeks before the last incident. Not as seriously, as he did not need stitches, but still with cut marks. So I'm thinking, "Okay, let me get this right. Not only does BM go out of town for the weekend to be with her husband, leaving her 17 yo high school junior home alone, one who has a penchant for hosting underage drinking parties, who is so unhappy that he's recently on Zoloft, but he also had a recent episode of cutting himself?" How insane! On what universe could she possibly be thinking she was doing the right thing?

Incidentally, SS#1 was sharing that he remembers when he was really little, about 4 or 5 yo, before his mom went into rehab for alcohol, how awful and nasty things were, so he knows he needs to be careful about substance abuse. But what he said was, she was really a screaming maniac, an he remembers being so scared all the time, but he doesn't blame her, because she's a good mother. DH has said many times that he should have divorced her the first time she slappped a then 4 yo SS#1 across the face, hard, in a drunken rage. She doesn't deserve to be my stepsons' mother, and she certainly doesn't deserve their loyalty and defense of her. I am still looking for a single example of her being a good mother.

You can spare yourself the hunt for that single example, because it isn't there.

Narcissists are never good mothers.
nor good wives, good friends, good human beings.

The only person in a narcissist's world is him/her*self*.

They do not love anyone but themselves.

Other people exist only as backdrops on the stage of the narcissist's life.

The limelight is all hers. Always.

When any other person gives the narcissist any trouble, discomfort, or, heaven forbid, *embarrassment*, that person pays for it; he or she gets the full wrath & vengence of the narcissist.

When any other person fails to play the role the narcissist has assigned (you are never the star of your own life, I know one who wore a *white* evening gown, much fancier than the bridal gown, to her sister's wedding!), the narcissist will punish you.

How could she go out of town when her son had a drinking habit, a tendency to cut himself, & a new Zoloft prescription?

It never occurred to her not to go out of town.
It will never occur to her not to do anything she wants to do & to do something that involves a responsibility to another person.
She doesn't feel any responsibility to any other person.

She is obligated to no one;
Other people are obligated to her.

If she had returned to find him dead on the floor, she'd have played the role of the distraught mother, the *martyr* (her son unfeelingly put her through this tragedy)...& she'd have enjoyed it.

You gotta stop thinking in terms of this woman being a normal person with the capacity to not only love but to even be aware of anyone other than herself.

It just isn't there.

Hi Tamar
I just read your original post and the new one here. All I can say is that you should be all set for sainthood. I don't know where you find the strength, but you are a tribute to step parents everywhere. It is a difficult, thankless, and frustrating job, and I'm sure that at some point, those 2 SS's of yours will be thankful for your presence in their lives.
One thing that I keep in mind when dealing with someone who just doesn't **get it** like your SS's BM, is that they never will. They are not capable.
Since your SS is in a treatment center, he should be familiar with the Serenity Prayer. You may be too. I don't know what your personal beliefs are, so you may translate "God" into whatever form works for you, but it goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Very simple, and very powerful at the same time. I hope it gives you some relief that is much deserved. Keep fighting the good fight.