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Full time Step Mom

13 years ago

I just joined this forum because I need help navigating being a full time step mom. A little background...

My husband and I got married a year ago. I have no kids of my own, although, I'm due any day!! :) My husband has had full custody of his 10 1/2 year old son since he was 2. 10 yr old's mother is a complete loser. She never sees her son, has been in and out of jail and doesn't want anything to do with him. She never calls, even on his birthday or Christmas. Before I married my husband, his mother (10 yr old's grandmother) was the primary caregiver for my husband's son. You can just imagine how spoiled he was being raised by a grandmother who felt incredibly bad for his mother abandoning him.

My husband and son moved in with me a year ago. I live about 50 miles from where husband and his son grew up. I had my own home (they did not) and I live in a MUCH better school system and neighborhood than they did.

For a year, I've been slowing changing my step sons eating habits. Before me, they lived on fast food and 10 yr old was overweight and probably hadn't eaten a fruit or vegetable in years. His dad gave him whatever he wanted whenever he wanted it. I completely disagree with that method of parenting but can also understand b/c my husband felt really bad for his bio mother not being in the picture at all. So, anyway, I've been working on manners with him, as well as respect, and daily chores, and all of these "horrible" things he's never had to do! Before me his life was fast food, TV and video games--literally. He has always done well in school and is polite to me and my family. When he gets around my husband's side of the family it's a different story.

I digress...

Here is my problem...I'm a full time step mom. My husband works midnights. I'm in charge of finding activities for my stepson and I to do during the day while my husband sleeps. I started maternity leave a couple of weeks ago, so I'm not working anymore. I'm really really annoyed with my stepson! He doesn't have any friends to call so he sits around the house all day. I told him he can't watch tv and play video games all day. We signed him up for baseball. He not only loves it, but is really good at it. Well they have 2 games a week and it ends next week! SO that takes up about 4 hours a week! That's not a lot, considering its summer vacation! We don't have much money so we can't just go see movies and pay to do a bunch of things, so I try to find free things to do, like go to the park, etc...

It bothers me because he won't eat anything mixed together (I.E. a casserole) so we eat the same 5 dinners over and over b/c my husband can't eat red meat or dairy. Do you know how hard it is to cook without milk????

Anyway, I'll wrap this up...

I don't get a break from him and I'm starting to resent the fact that I married a man with full custody of his son. My husband and I never have alone time, although I have a ton of family and friends who babysit for me, we just don't have any money do anything--much like the boy and me!

SS seems to like me. He never back talks me. He does whatever I ask him to do--laundry, dishes, trash, mow the lawn! I probably have it made. I just sometimes snap at him and the guilt I feel afterward can be unbearable. I was sobbing the other night because I was really irritated that he was laying in my bed with my husband watching a baseball game while I was on the computer. What the hell? Why can't he lay in our bed? Why can't he stare at me? Why can't he have nachos 2 hours after dinner? Why does it bother me so much that he asks me so many questions? Sometimes I just feel like a horrible step monster. I'm almost positive HE doesn't feel that way. He is always hugging me. He even tells me he loves me on occasion. I know this is not about him. This is about me. My husband and I have been in counseling for a year, as well. Sometimes we even take his son. I just hate myself a lot for snapping at his son and getting annoyed by him. I hide in my bedroom A LOT of the time. Then I feel horribly guilty and start reminding myself that his mother abandoned him and he needs a woman's love in his life. I just feel like I'm not cut out for the step mom role. I can't leave my husband and stepson though, because this is the most stability he has had in his life. I refuse to walk away from him like other women in his life.

Not to mention, I'm 9 mos pregnant, so I'll be tied to my husband for life anyway.

I just need advice. When is this love for my stepson going to blossom? Does it EVER? When will I stop being annoyed with him ALL THE TIME? My husband snaps A LOT at him, as well. My husband has a very short temper and only gets a couple of hours a sleep at a time so he is constantly on edge and I think he is just as annoyed with his son as I am. Plus, with this new baby due at any moment, I'm afraid I'm going to LOVE this baby SO MUCH MORE and be extra annoyed with my stepson. I'm afraid that I'm going to push him away and wish it was just my husband, my new baby and me.

I need help. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated.

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