Good for you - thinking about this clear-headedly before marriage. And it's good that your relationship with his son is a good one so far, and that it's a responsibility you are taking seriously.

You didn't mention that "The kid is a brat!" or anything of that nature, so I'll start off with the assumption that this little boy is reasonably well behaved and that therefore, his father is a reasonably good parent. (If that's true, you're really, really lucky!)

If this is accurate, I'd suggest that you have a private talk with Dad and ask him to set up a system that will help head off the types of discipline problems that frequently occur with step-parenting. A good system would be one where: 1) the rules are crystal clear, and 2) the consequences of breaking them are known and understood in advance. If possible, they should be written 'House Rules' and should be posted somewhere by Dad and well in advance of the wedding. Why? Well, if you are going to be put in a parental role, it's not fair to not allow you enforce the rules. At the same time, for you to inflict 'your own rules' on a child who may (at times) resist your authority -- this is often a source of conflict between a child and a step-parent. You need to walk a fine line between "being the bad guy" and "You can't do anything to me!" -- and having clear, unambiguous, written-down rules will be a big help.

The other suggestion I'd make is not to have a biological child of your own right away. That seems to be a big complicating factor in a lot of step-parenting relationships, and sometimes, there appears to be a "push his kid out of the nest" instinct that appears in new moms after they've had one of their own. Of course, that may not happen to you -- but waiting will help you solidify your relationship with the child and his father before complicating things.

First and foremost... you need to make sure that both you and future hubby agrees that no matter what happens you and he are a united front. Even, if you disagree the 'discussion' should be held out of ear shot of the little one. If that doesnt happen if he doesnt support you and your decisions as much as you respect his ... things will fall apart quickly. Kids are smart and all kids no how to work a system to their advantage... So, a united front is an absolute must.

I think that is the problem most of the step moms have in the long run... a lack of support with regards to the kids.

I personally treat my step kids exactly how I treat my daughter. No better. No Worse. I have an equal hand in raising disciplining and decision making with regards to the kids. (even if ex doesnt like it) Especially, with the little boy living with you... you need to establish what both of you consider discipline and DO NOT let yourself be over run EVER.

Be prepared to be disliked... it will come from the ex and probably from the son at some point. Remember two things... 1. the ex more than likely in this situation will not disslike you for any reason other than the fact that you are actively involved in her sons life and probably doing a better job. (if she has dissappeared more than once). This will anger and frustrate you but never never express that anger infront of kid 2.kids even your very own flesh and blood at times are mean, are rude, have moments where you want to wring their little necks, and will tell you to go away and in those teenage years perhaps much worse... you wouldnt take it to heart with your own kids dont do so just because he is a step. when they say I hate you say Im sorry to hear that because I love you...

You are going to be a 'mother' to this child because dad has full custody and mom lives two hours away with a tendancy to abandon him. If you are not prepared to take both fiancee and son into your heart and accept that awesome responsibility than you are not in the right relationship... no matter how wonderful it is with dad because son is going nowhere. Without that sound knowledge in your heart to know that you love that kid and would do anything for him wether dad was there or not, it will be very hard to deal with the tough times that come with raising kids.

As far as attention goes... kids deserve a great deal but dont be afraid (and this goes for daddy too) to say no no this is adult time .... dont be afraid to put your relationship needs first (not to the detriment of the child) I have always believed one of the greatest gifts we can give kids is to show them how to love and be with and treat the one they love... it gives them an example for a lifetime of something strong and positive in their lives.

Oh and regarding the 'discussion' of disagreements... if, for example, you tell son that he cant play with a toy for rest of the day because of something he did ... and hubby disagrees and you two talk and decide he can have the toy back ...you should be the one to give back the privilege, not dad. This way you arent made out to be the bad guy and dad saving grace.

umm I think these are all of the little drops of wisdom I can share (if they can be called that) :-)

good luck...

Thanks so much Sweeby. Yeah, the disciplining issue is one that came up recently. I tend not to really feel comfortable in that role, have been avoiding it thus far. And when he frustrates me I say something about it, but wouldnt never do anything like send him to his room, or take any action like that. So seeing as eventually I will have to do that. We should set it up ahead of time. Otherwise hell think he can get away with anything if his dads not home.

But setting up some house rules and having them posted well-before I move in is a great idea. That way it's not me whose solely associated with these new rules.

And thanks for the advice on having more children. I do think he and I will eventually want to have a child together, but I had worried knowing that we would each have very different relationships with the children.

I'm sure he and his son will always have a special bond that I can never share, and that he could never share with another child. They went through a lot together when the mother abandoned them, and I know they'll always have a unique relationship because of that.

At the same time, I've been reading a lot and struggling with the fact that I cant honestly say I LOVE his son. HAVING to love his son. I pray that it will come in time.

But yeah, I'll certainly take that to heart and wait several years before we start to plan a family. Of course, I'm in my 30s so we probably can't wait too long.

But thank you and blessings!

Hi raincity -
I haven't read this book yet but hear it is wonderful, especially for those stepmoms like you who are looking to educate themselves before taking the plunge. The book is called "The Enlightened Stepmother: Revolutionizing the Role". It's written by Perdita Kirkness Norwood". Maybe your libray might carry it if you don't wish to purchase it or you could check for used copies online at cheaper rates than retail. My best to you - you sound like a very caring and loving woman!

I hate to add to your reading list, but please try to find one by two women who are connected by a stepfamily relationship. The two write a newspaper column called Ex-Etiquette. You can check for it online. They really have some excellent advice.

You might also want to check out the website www.bonusfamilies.com

It has great articles, book recommendations, etc. It's run by two women who have managed to make step-parenting/ co-parenting work really well.

Sounds like you're on the right track, though...thinking ahead. And although you may read lots of "horror stories", please know that there are also lots of success stories here, too. I have a FANTASTIC relationship with both of my "bonus" kids (boy 17, girl 14). Sure, there have been a few "bumps" in the road, but nothing we haven't been able to manage with good communication and a little common sense. So, it CAN be done, and can be done WELL. Good luck to you...

You've gotten great advice above and I don't know that I can add to it. I just wish I had had the opportunity earlier to enter into my SKids' lives. We married when they were 12, 14, and 16, which are tough years anyway.

I do agree w/ showing the boy affection (he may have never received it from his mom), but also to not be embarrassed to be loving towards your fiance. I think kids need to see a happy union at home.

I'm not comfortable disciplining anyone's children but my own. I agree that the rules should be well known as well as the consequences, but I'd let your fiance do the disciplining if you're both witnessing the infraction!

All the best,
Dana

Thanks for the encouragement and great resources