jrae...that's funny, I'm guessing your middle name is rae? If so, mine is too...Rae K.

Anyway, I have had some problems with my dad in the past, although we seem to be on much better foooting these days. I think your best bet would be to talk to your dad, but don't accuse or get angry and don't blame his wife. Just tell him that you wish you could spend more time together like you used to. Ask him to take you hunting. I think that would be the best thing to do.

Good luck!

yes my name is Jerica Rae that is funny haha...

but i have asked and last year she made him leave on thursday mornings not friday nights like he use to with me..because i have school and i was in flagline attending football games and then we would leave to go down there...but she insisted that they go thursdays it would give them more time to hunt.....i am trying to get my sister to come with me and talk to him one night some where but i dont even know where to start at...

Wow, I'm just sorry this is going on with you - I can see how unsettling this is.

I have never been as close to my father, a GREAT man and dad (parents married nearly 52 yrs.) I've always been closer to my mother. But since you did have this closeness, something has changed.

It's hard to say what's going on. Since he had been alone for so long, perhaps he's enjoying another aspect of his relationship w/ your SM and doesn't have the hours of free time watching TV w/ you via the phone, etc.

However, I do sense a little involvement w/ this SM and her possibly interfering w/ your closeness to him. That's not right, but I agree w/ Raek in that while you do need do discuss this w/ him, you must not (and it will be hard) point the finger at the SM. He will most likely get defensive.

I think I'd try to arrange a date in the next couple of weeks to hunt - when your schedule permits - alone w/ your father to talk, bond, etc. Then, include your SM in some OTHER activity, so she doesn't feel left out. You can even gently tell her that lately you feel out of touch w/ them and how important it is to you to not be estranged. But, try to get the one on one w/ dad in there.

As for gifts, well, most men delegate the shopping to the woman of the house. I used to do all the shopping for my skids though I put an end to that. I'd get their 'lists' for Christmas, even as adults, lol, and would kill myself to find everything - only to have it returned the next week...so I gave up and it was a happy day for me! LOL.

Anyway, I wish you the best,
Dana

Jerica, You've written practically the story of my life, only it happened to me at 40 and not 18.

I'm going to back up what some of the other posters say, in that you must tread softly in relation to how you talk about his wife. Keep in mind, though, that you may be getting the blame for things that you haven't said or done. My SM is good at making things up, to the point that my dad actually believed her.

I believe you've sized the situation up correctly: Your SM is jealous of the closeness you have with your dad. Women like that (and it happens with biological mothers of sons, as well) can't seem to tell the difference between the love a man has for his wife and the love he has for his daughters. In other words, she may see you and your sister as a romantic rival for her husband's affections. Sick, but sometimes true.

Talk to your dad, alone if at all possible, about the situation ... that you feel estranged from him and that you would like to spend more time with him. If he seems reluctant or won't look you in the eye or is evasive, ask him point blank if there's anything you've said or done that has made him or your SM mad. This is where you have to be careful. If your SM is inventing problems for him (things that she says you've done or said), it'll be hard to listen to it and not get really angry. I made that mistake a couple of times. Now that my father is actually talking to me again, I usually wait until he tells me what my "offense" is and then I, very calmly, tell him whether or not it actually happened.

Be careful, though. Me and my siblings were really close to my dad until my SM came on the scene. He allowed her to estrange him from his family ... to the point that at one point, he didn't see or speak to any of his children or grandchildren for more than two years.

Same story here, I was 24 my mom died of cancer, three months later my Dad remarried a woman who was incredibly different than the rest of us (and I am the same age as her grandkids), who I found out had a criminal record.

I made the mistake of trying to talk to him about it, I got the 'either accept my wife or I won't be in your life' response. Needless to say he doesn't call me anymore, she keeps him 'too busy' to come see his grandkids, he moved out of town, etc...It can be very upsetting especially if you used to be close. My mother was 'all about' her grandkids when she was alive to see him so estranged from us I know would really upset her. Anywho the point of the story is, talk to your Dad but be careful about it. Men can be very protective of their brand new wives.

Jrae,

Unfortunately life has changed right underneath you. How you approach dad is very important now. Why don't you give him a call and just chat a few min's. No heavy conversation, just chitter chatter and casually tell him you really miss him.

At this point, I wouldn't say a word about your concerns in regards to your SM. You've had a close relationship with dad, so calling him more often just to say Hello should give you more insight into what's happening.

I don't know about anybody else but I think it's absolutely ridiculous that children have to tippy toe around their parents and beg them to interact with them!!!

lonepiper,

I was thinking the same thing. You have to wonder if these fathers are worth having a relationship with.

I've seen how friends/teenagers can become involved with a guy/girl, fall head over heels and forget about their friends/families who have stood beside them through all the drama, break-ups, growing pains, etc. I just never could imagine that happening w/ a parent. I mean, yeah, it's great that you've found someone and maybe you are in love, but to 'drop' your kids like hot potatoes seems unnatural to me, regardless of how old they are.

I think the father's coolness at the last gathering could indicate his guilt about doing just that - like he's unable to face her, look her in the eye, etc. I don't want believe it's that the SM has made up lies about her like in Lily's case, but who knows? I, too, wonder who would believe their spouse (and a new one at that) over their adult child of so many years. I mean, wouldn't you at least say, "I heard what you said/did and I'd like to know why you did/said that?" In Lily's case, it was all fabricated, though it does seem as though her father is growing wise to the SM these days.

I know w/friends who went off in their own worlds when the guy of the week appeared, I'd just slowly distance myself from them over time. Tough to do that w/ your parent - and we don't know if it's love, lust or lies that has caused the change. It's weird, nonetheless.

Dana

There are a lot of people who are perfectly responsible people as long as they aren't in a relationship, but are willing to do really stupid and cruel things when they are. You'd kind of expect that from teenagers, but I have seen it in many adults as well.

lonepiper...you're right, it is pathetic...welcome to my world! It has been a long, hard, uphill battle for me to have any kind of relationship with my dad since my SM came into the picture 14 years ago. What I have learned in these years is that I truly love my dad and long to have a relationship with him regardless of how he has let his wife walk all over me and disrupt our relationship. I have been through plenty of tears and yelling matches and so much drama and have come to the conculsion that he is still important to me and that I have missed out on so much becuase of my unwillingness to accept the way things are. It is awful to have to tippy toe, it is even worse to fight and fight and get nothing accomplished accept for further estrangement and a bigger need to have some kind of connection.

I feel like JRae really does have a connection with her father and it would be awful and regretful for her to lose the friendship and bond that they do have. It's such a shame that the choice we have as children of divorced parents is to either suck it up and do our best to have a relationship or to fight our hearts out to no avail, but that is the only choice that some of us have, so we have to do the best with what we have and from experience, I have learned that it is best to hold your tongue and do your best to get along. I think that is the best way to know that you did all you can to have a relationship and to have peace with it.