Now I've just lost my mom

20 years ago

I lost my dad in August, 2004 and now I've lost my mom. She was my best friend. We just buried her last Monday and since 3 of the 5 grown kids live far away, we had to go through her and dad's things. That was an experience in itself. Now I'm home and I'm just so sad. I called her every day. My neighbors brought me some food yesterday and I caught myself wanting to call my mom to tell her how nice my neighbors were. I wasn't "over" my dad, and now I've lost her. I just don't know what I'm going to do. Just wanted all of you to know.

Joanie

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Comments (11)

alisande
20 years ago
I'm so sorry to hear that, Joanie. You've had a lot to deal with all at once. I know well that feeling of wanting to pick up the phone and call. Since that's not possible, how about writing her a letter? It might feel good to do that.

I'm sure your wonderful relationship with your mom was a huge blessing to her, and gave her much happiness.

Susan
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lulie___wayne
20 years ago
Joanie, I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad as well as your mom. I lost my mom June of 2004, and I often wonder what it will be like when I lose my dad. I dread it, yet I know that I will most likely have to deal with it.
Susan's suggestion about writing your mom a letter is a good one. I still think about calling my mom sometimes also. That will probably linger for us both for a long time.
You must have been a very good daughter. That is something that you can always be proud of and be grateful for in the years to come.
Blessings!
Lu
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I know you don't feel it now, but it will get easier. You will smile again I promise. One day you will feel peace again, I promise. I lost my mom 2 yrs ago. Yes, it still hurts. I cried tonight, out of the blue, because I missed her.But it is the first time in 2 months that I have done that. I have came a long way. I am not where I want to be, but I thank God I am not where I used to be.I am still healing. Please remember this. Nobody, not even God, can fully take your mother away.You will always be part of your mother. You have her genes, her blood, maybe her hands, maybe her eyes, maybe you laugh like her, walk like her. She made you. You were inside of her, and you are part of her, always. You can't get away from that. She is with you everywhere. Go outside, look up at the stars, and talk to her. Find a star, that you connect to, and close your eyes. Connect with her, and she will guide you. She is your angel now.
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Jerica, You've written practically the story of my life, only it happened to me at 40 and not 18. I'm going to back up what some of the other posters say, in that you must tread softly in relation to how you talk about his wife. Keep in mind, though, that you may be getting the blame for things that you haven't said or done. My SM is good at making things up, to the point that my dad actually believed her. I believe you've sized the situation up correctly: Your SM is jealous of the closeness you have with your dad. Women like that (and it happens with biological mothers of sons, as well) can't seem to tell the difference between the love a man has for his wife and the love he has for his daughters. In other words, she may see you and your sister as a romantic rival for her husband's affections. Sick, but sometimes true. Talk to your dad, alone if at all possible, about the situation ... that you feel estranged from him and that you would like to spend more time with him. If he seems reluctant or won't look you in the eye or is evasive, ask him point blank if there's anything you've said or done that has made him or your SM mad. This is where you have to be careful. If your SM is inventing problems for him (things that she says you've done or said), it'll be hard to listen to it and not get really angry. I made that mistake a couple of times. Now that my father is actually talking to me again, I usually wait until he tells me what my "offense" is and then I, very calmly, tell him whether or not it actually happened. Be careful, though. Me and my siblings were really close to my dad until my SM came on the scene. He allowed her to estrange him from his family ... to the point that at one point, he didn't see or speak to any of his children or grandchildren for more than two years.
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socks
20 years ago
It's tough when both parents are gone, isn't it? People who have always, always been there..and now they are not. The world just isn't the same any more. But just remember, Joanie, that even though they are gone, you have your love for them still in your heart, and you will always have that.

You have my heartfelt sympathy. Take care.
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jlj48
Original Author
20 years ago
Thank you for all of your words of comfort. I know I was a good daughter and that we had something special. But I also have regrets - that I didn't do more - when she was sick and well. Life will never be the same. I will never be the same. I have changed - I have gone through the depths of grief and am trying to work my way back to ??? Not sure - some sort of peace and normal I guess. I'll miss her always and still need her, even though she's gone.
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cupofkindness
20 years ago
Joanie:

Bless you! Although I have my mother, your thoughtful words make we want to call her right now. Thank you for underscoring the importance of loving people while we have them.

-Cupofkindness
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User
20 years ago
Hi Joanie,

I really do know how you feel. I lost both my parents in two days. I was in the middle of treatment for cancer and I really felt like I needed them so badly at that time. My husband, daughter, family and friends were all terrific, but there is just something about your parents that is so special. I still (after 4 years) sometimes think of calling them in an absentminded moment. But believe me, it is gradually growing easier. No matter what....you will always have them in your heart and your memories. Nothing or nobody can take that away from you. Keep strong! My thoughts are with you.

Dee.
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jlj48
Original Author
20 years ago
I can't imagine what you went through Dee. I know I am blessed to have had such wonderful parents. I just felt like I wasn't "over" my dad, and now my mom. What a hole I have in my life. SHE is the one I called to tell what's new with my kids each day. I miss her so much. I spent the weekend feeling sorry for myself, feeling like I have no one else and that no one cares. I must have cried all day yesterday. I just don't know what I'll do. We have moved several times and I have lost contact with close friends so I'm really feeling isolated. I had become so dependent on my mom for her love and support. Now she's gone. I sure hope this gets easier but I don't see how.
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Wendy_L
20 years ago
Joanie, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your losses. Sounds like you had the same type of relationship with your mom that I had with mine. It will be three months this weekend since my mom passed away. I miss her desperately.. so many things have happened in my life in the last three months that I have needed her for and wanted to share with her. I know exactly how you feel. I think of mom at least a hundred times every day and night - she was the rock that kept me grounded. It is a huge loss. People do care what you are going through they just don't understand how truly deep it goes. I understand because I am living it. Just take each day as it comes, cry when you want/need to. It doesn't really get 'easier' as life goes on, you just fall back into it.

Take care of yourself.
Wendy
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User
20 years ago
Hi Joanie,

I hope you're okay today. I have sent you a personal email. I hope that is alright.

Dee.
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jlj48
Original Author
20 years ago
Thanks so much for everyone's words of comfort. And thank you Dee for the personal e-mail. The support here means so much. Today is my birthday, it's bad enough to be (cough, cough) 40, but I realized this morning that last year on my birthday I had both of my parents, and this year I have none. I say that, and it is true, but I know it sounds childish. I really, really miss them both. I wasn't able to mourn hard for my dad because my mom was such a wreck afterwards - until she died. Now I am mourning them both. But I am okay today. Better than I thought I would be. I don't want to spoil what my family wants to do for me by being so sad. And I know my parents wouldn't want me sad. AND I know they are together, and that really brings me comfort. Thank you all for listening. It means so much to have somewhere to go with all of this.
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User
20 years ago
Hi Joanie,

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I do hope you have a lovely day. Please try to relax and enjoy it....you deserve it!

It is not childish to say that. It is coming from your heart. We are forever our parent's children, no matter what age we are.

Cheers,
Dee.
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Now I've just lost my mom

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