Why do you feel the need to justify your position?? Are any of us perfect?? Least of all ourselves??

Hate to let you in on this little surprise. BUT...

You aren't perfect. Your wife isn't perfect. Neither are ANY of your sons/stepsons.

The boy is still a child -- may be in the body of a man, but still growing to be a man. Since you've raised 3 boys you already know this, right? Of course, HE doesn't think this way at all. He's already a man, so HE thinks. Regardless of his apparent immaturity and seeming unwillingness to contribute to the household, the truth is... he has HIS own experience and that is NO LESS than any of our own. He is his OWN human being full of joy, wonder, and certainly deficiencies.

Because of that and the fact that we are parents it is SO easy for all of us to focus on the negative. Sometimes that is ALL we ever focus on. It is part of our job to guide our children and as they get older -- our guidance begins to have less and less effect -- you already know this too I'm sure. But sometimes it's like we get tunnel vision and can't see how lovely forest is overall for all the poison ivy in the trees. Or in the Mom's case, she still sees her wonderful, sweet little toddler and remembers all the horrible things that happened in her past that her sweet child saw, gets consumed by her guilt and lets the guidance part slide. (As a bio-Mom, I do this too and it does aggravate the situation especially in the long run -- I fully admit this).

I think, from what you've said and what Mom has said, you BOTH really are on the same wavelength here. You each have your own slant and your own justifications BUT you still agree something isn't quite right. You BOTH feel the child has some room for improvement. And why not? What child doesn't? Because he is older the trick is how to EMPOWER THE CHILD to feel the need to contribute.

So... I think that you and Mom somehow/someway need to come up with positive ways to encourage this child to contribute to the household. Either monetarily or through chores or both or something. Mom will hold more sway over the son simply because of the bond so she must TOTALLY embrace the ideas you BOTH come up with. When children contribute it does build self-esteem and a positive self image and when children hear OVER AND OVER again what a good job they have done and what a wonderful member of the household they are, it only naturally carries over to their confidence and helps them move into society (and out of the house) only that much MORE quickly.

So maybe my theory might work for you and bio-Mom, first require contribution (you both have that right it IS YOUR house and if he doesn't want to, he can move out) then notice what this child does right, notice it LOUD, notice it OFTEN. Make big deals out of it. Do this consistently and I'll bet that the situation improves.

Your own household will benefit greatly from a higher focus on the positive instead of the negative. After all, we all love REAL praise don't we? We are just human.

Q

conansbane, I am assuming that you are married to mydawgz. The posts sound like opposite sides of the same story. It is frustrating to take a parenting role with a kid that you did not raise for many years. Your wife has been with this kid for 19 years and has a different perspective of her son. You on the other hand are able to see things more objectively. The trick is to handle the situation objectively too. You have to keep in mind your wifes feelings on this matter and maybe work with her and discuss how you feel about things. You most likely aren't going to change the situation but if your feelings are made clear, in a reasonable way, maybe some of the things will change.
I had a brief miserable second marriage. The man I married could see no good in my son. Instead of discusing things with me, he became I tyrant. I know that my kids aren't perfect and if they were offending him, i would have liked him to tell me how he felt about one or two things, not the overall situation. When he threw out one million problems, there was no way I could focus on just one. Maybe you should choose just one problem. Talk to your wife and let her know that you would feel better if her son helped around the house on a more consistent level. If he lived in his own place, he would have to do chores there, so this is only fair to expect him to participate. As far as being paid for his help, no way. he should be asked to do the things because he is a memeber of the household. If mom wants to give him some spending money, that's fine. But it should be just because she wants to and have no strings atached. She give's it to him anyway.
Your SS is free to express himself with tongue piercing and other things. His relationship with his girlfriend is his business. It's her problem if he is taking advantage of her.
Good luck with all of this, it is very difficult. But I can guarantee that the best way to end a good relationship is to develop a conflict with the kids. I hope things work out for you.

Conansbane, it's time that your wife start expecting her son to grow up, make a plan for his life and move forward. As it stands now, he has absolutely no motivation to do so, and she makes it easy for him. Why should he get a job? Or go to school? He has a roof over his head, three squares a day, and FREE haircuts! I bet she slips him a $20 here and there when you aren't around, too.

Sounds to me like she allows him to disrespect her as well. If my kid made the comment "about damn time", I'd have poured that mouthwash down the drain so fast his head would have spun off its axis. If I were your wife, I'd tell him that he's got one shot at school. Failing that, he can work at Wal-Mart and find a place of his own.

I sure am glad you piped up tonight mom 2 4,I read these posts last night and a post ready to send,my DW looked over my shoulder and said it was way to strong.You said the same thing I was going to say and only used two paragraphs,mine was six!Well said!And to the comments that QQQQ made,that way of thinking is great when your dealing with a five or six year old,if that nineteen year old had read your answers to the problem,he would be laughing so hard his mother would have to change his diaper for him

Been there-father of four(two bio,two step children)

Yes, this "kid" is a SLACKER. Plan and simple. Mom is an enabler. She is enabling this behavior. You and mom need to sit down together discuss what both of you expect of him, then lay down the rules to him. I don't think expecting him to have a job, or go to school is unreasonable, he is after all 19.